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Canít believe Iím here as the OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th February 2018, 1:28 AM   #1
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Canít believe Iím here as the OW

Hi everyone

I posted a while ago about my boss flirting with me at work or me thinking he was flirting heís married with a toddler and a 1 yr old weíve been doing this back and fourth now for about a year. Since then weíve been working a lot closer together as I work nights heís been doing a lot of night training with other members of staff whilst Iím on but if anyone works nights it means weíre in a skeleton crew so you only have each other for company. We always got on really well always laughing and joking, someone told me in my other post maybe I liked it which I denied vehemently whilst in the back of my mind that little voice was saying maybe I just might. I tried to distance myself from him that little bit I have to say with no big effort on my part to the point we were talking again like normal.

I have a bf and weíve been together for 4 years. I feel stupid writing this because I feel like a cliche of justifications I myself used when condemning affairs. My bf doesnít really do anything for me I feel as though if I left heíd just be annoyed there was no one there to cook and clean or share half the bills with as we live together. He hardly listens to me when I tell him about a plan or goal that I have instead tells me Iíve heard it all before why do I have to listen

On my birthday in Jan my boss got me a cake and a card started it off to my ďspecial flowerĒ he told me I had to open it up in secret which shouldíve been the red flag but I pushed that down in favour of feeling good about getting something for my birthday my bf forgot. When we were in the office not alone instead of speaking to me direct he would message me and we would share stupid inside jokes or heíd glance over at me and smile.

This progressed to messaging me outside of work asking what I was up to or telling me about what he was doing. I was happy for the attention if I have to be honest, I was happy that someone was asking me how I was instead of it always being the other way around. Not an exscuse I know but the truth. I went on holiday from work not out of the country but just a few days off and we were talking on the phone he was bored I was bored and he said ďweíre going out he wonít allow one of his staff to be bored itís his duty to boost moraleĒ as I was getting ready I had my guilt pangs going on in my head and I pushed them away in favour of ďheís just a friend, nothings happeningĒ we met up and I was on edge I didnít tell my bf who I was going with i said a girl from work he didnít even look up from his phone which again I used to beat down my guilt pangs. Anyway at the end of the day he dropped me home we sat in his car for a while just talking about his wife and his kids his family and work I guess part of me wanted to keep things on normal mode as if that was possible. Then we kissed, I didnít back away I didnít feel bad I said bye and got out of the car. The feelings that hit me I canít describe it was like good and bad feelings all rolled into one

He ghosted me for the rest of my holiday then on the day I returned to work he texted me saying ďhe knows what happened between us was wrong but it didnít feel wrong, he was confused about what heís done but he canít get me out of his headĒ I didnít know what to reply to be honest I wanted to say the same cliche thing part of me liked that someone was having this kind of dilemma towards me no matter how fantasy it was When I went back to work it was a bit awkward at first but we got back into our usual routine of laughing and joking getting way beyond boundaries that had been crossed out of earshot we would talk about things we both would do we found discounted inns and hotels in the countryside and we would say oh we would do that together. Or trips to theme parks oh we would do that. We did both laugh at it all the while that boundary line was getting farther and farther away

At the begin of Feb things went physical for us did it just happen no did I want it to happen yes I was selfish and stupid and wrong and now I find it hard to even look anyone in the eye. Iíve withdrawn into myself and heís the only one I can feel good around, when I donít see him I feel alone and dirty, I look in the mirror and I think what are you doing, I think about my bf his wife and kids how could I do this to them. When I see him I feel so good about myself he makes me feel as if I can do anything I want, when we are intimate I feel safe, I feel safe in his arms like everything is going to be ok. These long nights with nothing to do gives me a lot of thinking time, reaching out here to people going through the same thing helps my head not to explode. I have nobody else to turn to i donít want friends or family to know I have done this and continue to do this. I know exactly what theyíll say because Iíve said it for how many years when Iíve learned of affairs.

I know Iíve fallen for him I havenít said it to him yet Iíve read so many stories on here about the OW saying I love you or saying how they feel. He hasnít offered me a future although he gets jealous at any other male colleague talking to me he has told me he thinks about me to the point his wife knows heís distracted. if he did offer me a future I donít know if I would take it. I have thought about what it would be like us together it occupies my mind too much Iíd say. I donít know what I want I donít even know who I am right now
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:32 AM   #2
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Find a new job. This is disastrous.

Leave the boyfriend too - that relationship is done - and now it's also ruined.

Stay away from married men.
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Old 28th February 2018, 6:29 AM   #3
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Break up with the boyfriend.

Find a new job.

Married men play other women. He knows what he's doing. You will get nothing in return. Do your really think he will throw away tons of money and his family to chase after you? He already ghosted you once. He will **** with your head.

The worse you feel about what you do the more you will come to rely on him to give you a quick fix. The more you rely on him the more on a pedistal he will become. You need to get a councilor or somone you can talk to.

This man is a snake. I know you can't see it now, but he is. You will be twisted around his finger if you let this go on. Try this.... tell him no sex AT ALL until he is divorced. Stand your ground. He can whine and dine and romance you all he wants. But no sex. Watch how quickly he loses interest when he finally believes he won't get sex.
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Old 28th February 2018, 8:56 AM   #4
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You are playing a dangerous game in this affair with your boss. I would suggest that you find a good counsellor to help you to learn what you want, how you found yourself in this situation, and how to begin to right this wrong.

Good luck.

Last edited by BaileyB; 28th February 2018 at 9:09 AM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:42 AM   #5
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Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now Iím in a hole and Iíve given MM the shovel. Adotta thatís a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table thatíll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

I feel like Iím being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:57 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adotta View Post
Married men play other women. He knows what he's doing.
Yes....
u r too young , girl.
be careful.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:38 AM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Floating Lilly View Post
his wife knows heís distracted.
This is gonna blow up in 3....2...1....

He's probably feeling very similar guilt and there will be no hard feelings if you just have the will strong enough to END it. Tell him it's wrong (of course he knows this) and you must stop it. There are just so many ways this can blow up in your faces.
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:07 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
This is gonna blow up in 3....2...1....

He's probably feeling very similar guilt and there will be no hard feelings if you just have the will strong enough to END it. Tell him it's wrong (of course he knows this) and you must stop it. There are just so many ways this can blow up in your faces.
Either that, or its standard married man talk to make OP feel "special" and keep her on the hook...
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Old 28th February 2018, 12:13 PM   #9
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I have to agree with Bailey B. Unfortunately, I have been there. And, Lily this is highly inappropriate (for obvious moral reasons), but also because he is your boss. Hasn’t he heard of the #metoo movement? People gave me this advice when I started my affair—-end it now before it goes further. I didn’t believe them, but I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had.
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:03 PM   #10
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People gave me this advice when I started my affairó-end it now before it goes further. I didnít believe them, but I would have saved myself a lot of heartbreak if I had.
Take this advice. Even though ending it now will be hard, letting it evolve and grow then being ghosted or found out ó that will be devastating.

We all give this advice from experience. We arenít judging or speaking on something that we know nothing about. I know your story feels different. Mine did. But it will end the same. And you will wish you would have been the one to walk away. Because when he leaves you, it eat away at your self esteem and self worth. And you donít deserve to feel that. If you leave, youll feel strong for walking away from a bad mistake. Youíll have the power.
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:16 PM   #11
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I third, fourth, fifth all of the advice above. Get out now. This is a disaster waiting to happen for you. That said, I know when I was in your shoes not even hell or high water could have made me walk away because I loved him too much and was too emotionally attached and dependent on him almost from day one. I had one shot to get out and leave with power and control a few months in but didn’t take it. Hard as it is, try to believe us when we tell you that there is no worse feeling than loving someone more than you love yourself and then having that person be the one to discard you, walk away and never look back. Take your power back now. Choose yourself before you lose yourself.
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Old 28th February 2018, 1:26 PM   #12
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Bless your heart...

Bless your heart...

Good advice here already. And understand that most of it is from many woman that have been or are the OW.

I am going to give you advice from the other (maybe even darker) side.

You need to know the following: He knew he was going to start banging you the day you started working there. Everything he has done is the typical grooming that often happens with OW.

Everyone said this was going to happen when you started your other thread.

Even with all the advice and all the stories of the pain and heartache that comes with being the OW, you still CHOOSE to go there.

My dear, you are on a path for a level of heartache and pain the you cannot fully understand.

I am asking you to be smart. Find another job, break up with your BF, and start a new life with out either of them...
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:28 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Floating Lilly View Post
Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now Iím in a hole and Iíve given MM the shovel. Adotta thatís a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table thatíll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

I feel like Iím being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange
OP,
I'm not sure where I saw it, but I once read a theory that, sometimes in our adult relationships, we seek to repeat the patterns we experienced as children, unhealthy as they may be. It could be there is a certain level of comfort in that...I don't know.

Is it possible that you are doing this?
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"ďthereís no better system than our own morality, not law, not science, not religionÖ just decency.Ē-R.M.
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Old 28th February 2018, 3:13 PM   #14
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To wmacbrideís point, a great article on the subject from an invaluable blog. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/act...es-old-issues/
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Old 28th February 2018, 3:41 PM   #15
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You were vulnerable and ripe for an affair. Your MM tested you with texts - then when you responded kindly by participating, he took it further (testing again) - then when YOU proved the coast was clear he proceeded as expected.

It's predictable.

I'll tell you what's NOT predictable... when YOU start being demanding and expecting MORE! Do that! You'll see just how UNwilling he is to upset his home life FOR YOU... and that should show you that you are a second thought and second priority to him.


He's playing you - only because you are willing to play along.

There's NOTHING special about that - he's using you because YOU allow it.
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