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Canít believe Iím here as the OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 8th March 2018, 8:23 PM   #61
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Stay strong! I think you did a good job...he seems determined to keep you in the corner (so to speak).

He's not gonna make it easy to get away from his smooth talking lies...that's for sure.

It is possible you may need to be frank with him by holding your hand up and saying "no, I don't want to hear you out anymore."

If he asks why - you can state there is NOTHING more to say unless his divorce is FINAL. Nothing more!

Mainly - he's married! And until he's divorced - he is someone else's husband and shouldn't be having any personal conversations that try to make you feel more connected to him! If he's not divorced - then he's married...and all his words are just lies to waste your time on him.
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Old 9th March 2018, 6:43 PM   #62
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That pull you feel towards him, to open the note, to hear his words, that is just your mind telling you how easy it is to just give into those good feelings no matter the consequences... think drug addiction.

You are doing well, but he will not stop until you tell him to. He will keep making you feel special, making you feel responsible for his pain, etc.

Keep strong, you are worth more than that. More than a married man's side piece.
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Old 9th March 2018, 6:48 PM   #63
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As time goes by I think you will clearly see that it was those feelings, the attention, the drug addiction, fantasy that you were craving and in love with. Not the man, it could have been anyone. It was the way he made you feel. But that is his way of stepping out and not having responsibilities or have to be accountable to anyone or for anything he says. His play thing.
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Old 10th March 2018, 2:15 AM   #64
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
Stay strong! I think you did a good job...he seems determined to keep you in the corner (so to speak).

He's not gonna make it easy to get away from his smooth talking lies...that's for sure.

It is possible you may need to be frank with him by holding your hand up and saying "no, I don't want to hear you out anymore."

If he asks why - you can state there is NOTHING more to say unless his divorce is FINAL. Nothing more!

Mainly - he's married! And until he's divorced - he is someone else's husband and shouldn't be having any personal conversations that try to make you feel more connected to him! If he's not divorced - then he's married...and all his words are just lies to waste your time on him.

I think youíre right about him trying to keep me in a corner, most of my past relationships Iíve been the follower type which gives bad guys an ego boost I guess having a ready made toy to play with whenever. Itís quite backswards thinking on my part as to me that was when I felt safest having someone else take the reigns with my parents I my mind was molded so much that what they said was gospel truth even if it was damaging to me. Another thing I have to talk about in IC

As for MM I havenít answered his calls, I saw in our events log that his brother is having a birthday in one of our halls and he has put down his wife and 2kids as guests, when I saw it I got jealous that here they are in the open out and proud and then I got scared if I was to see his wife face to face with the kids would she know by my face, what if he files would they still come as a couple, I know Iím working on that day.

I injected myself into their life divorce or no divorce I need to get myself out stay away and focus on me. My cousin asked me a question yesterday about whether I would be happy if he got divorced, finalised everything, sorted out counselling for himself and contacted me and I honestly couldnt answer her I feel ashamed about that

Iíve been ona rollercoaster of emotions and just thought of myself being in this situation, how many years can I be walking on eggshells waiting in the wings. I have to get myself off of this drug I not only made my life harder by getting involved with a MM but my work life aswel staying away from someone that I not only work with but is my superior is torture. Jobhunting helps hopefully soon I will hear something
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Old 10th March 2018, 2:28 AM   #65
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Good work not taking his calls! He's not divorcing her - he wouldn't list her as a guest to the party if he intended to leave her.

Move forward with your new job plans. Don't even tell him when you get a new job.

And call in sick the day of that party! That way you don't have to see him snuggling up to her.
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Old 10th March 2018, 3:08 AM   #66
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Good work not taking his calls! He's not divorcing her - he wouldn't list her as a guest to the party if he intended to leave her.

Move forward with your new job plans. Don't even tell him when you get a new job.

And call in sick the day of that party! That way you don't have to see him snuggling up to her.
My cousin called me this morning weíre going for breakfast I told her about the party and she said ď there you go either way heís not a good man, if he is planning to divorce her why is he going to be at a party with her playing happy families blindsiding her instead of distancing himself being respectful to her and if heís going with her as her husband and partner then heís lying to youĒ

The only time Iíll tell him is when I hand in my notice to HR and they tell him
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Old 10th March 2018, 3:27 AM   #67
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Whatever you do - don't tell him where your next job will be.
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Old 10th March 2018, 12:43 PM   #68
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Wait, Pause, Think

I am going to try to describe something here, hopefully I don't mess it up.

As you feel ashamed, anger, and hurt by this affair this obviously is a low and the feelings of good words, carefree times, etc. is a high. This is a similar to a drug addiction you want to feel those feelings even if there are not good for you. And as you pull away it will hurt, this is giving him power making it easier over time because you are doing the work you are pulling away you are hurt, ashamed, etc. You have to recognize this "slack or space" in the emotions and work to ensure it doesn't have a power over you and your choices.
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Old 15th March 2018, 9:50 PM   #69
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HI everyone

Just thought Iíd give an update on whatís happening itís been pretty full on with MM these past days, messaging me and calling at all hours. Heís rescheduled his days to work late when Iím working which has made it hard to resist going backwards. His wife called him when he was staying later than usual I heard him tell her I told you I was staying late he then exscused himself from the office.
Iím not sure what he told her but itís hard to keep my mind from wondering what he said to appease her. When he came back he told me that he wanted us to go somewhere for the weekend so we have time alone to talk about us, that we need to figure out or plan when he gets his divorce, he wants to get us a house somewhere new and he wants to leave his job so that people wonít talk bad about me behind my back.

My heart thought oh heís thinking about my needs but then my head took over I said to him ďso you want us to get a fresh start so you donít have to face what you did when weíre walking down the street you want to leave this job so no one here knows about us and what we did and what you did so your reputation to your colleagues is all good. Tell me how your divorce is going?Ē Ofcourse he didnít answer

Iím trying to stay professional and ignore him but I just want to scream and shout at him and tell him exactly what I truly think of him. I know Iím no innocent but it seems Iím the only one battling with my mind.

My cousin told me to tell his wife if he doesnít back off, selfishly I donít want to itíll bring him into the real world but also myself I know that telling her would be me trying to escape him but selfishly I know I donít want someone to hold that mirror up to me just yet. Itís hard enough to hold it up myself.

My jobhunting is going really well got an interview next week so fingers crossed.
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Old 15th March 2018, 11:23 PM   #70
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Stay strong! Keep asking EVERY single time why he hasn't filed for divorce if he intends to be with you.

Then tell him not to speak to you about ANYTHING personal unless he's filed and then when it's final! Anything less is just wasting your time listening to his total lies!

If he didn't care about his wife he wouldn't have answered her call at all - but he did. He also stepped out for more conversations with her to lie further to her.

This isn't an honest man - this is a man lying to two women so he can use both of them to suit his selfish needs.

Ignore him! He's seriously offered you NOTHING.

If he intends to buy a house - he can prove his love by paying cash and putting it in your name ONLY! That's the least he can do for stringing you along.

I think letting him know if he talks personal stuff to you and you'll tell his wife what he's been doing is a great idea!
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Old 16th March 2018, 12:06 PM   #71
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It is hard, it is torture. But keep your head.

The words and promises are less than honest or genuine. This is his way of dealing with loosing control. No longer being able to capture your attention at the drop of a text, joke, or walking into a room. He doesn't feel so powerful or wanted and he doesn't like that so he wants to figure out what your button is to get you back on the affair train. It will only get worse until you draw the line and put a stop to it because he has no penalty for trying so why not right?

Buying a house, quitting a job, leaving friends but he can't do the right thing and divorce his wife. So he just lies to her stringing her along with her feeling the marriage is great. Making plans to attend parties and events with her loving husband etc.

You deserve better. You can do better, you are better than this. You just have to demand it of yourself.

Affairs are so destructive to everyone involved
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Old 20th March 2018, 5:24 PM   #72
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post

I think letting him know if he talks personal stuff to you and you'll tell his wife what he's been doing is a great idea!
I told him this yesterday when he told me he had proof of a divorce papers coming through the look on his face made me feel so pathetic, it was that look of no you wonít and you never will because you love me. He hasnít messaged me though so maybe a part of him feels but just incase I wonít.

Whatever the reason Iím glad for the break
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Old 23rd March 2018, 11:29 PM   #73
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Update on MM and Divorce

So I decided to just vent and rant on here as I feel Iím wearing my cousin down constantly with talks of my MM. Today I come into work and thereís an envelope for me my colleague tells me itís from HR so I just assume itís my payslips. I open it up and I get a letter from MM stupidly I read it curiosity just got the better of me it starts ďHi FL I know you told me not to contact you but I wanted to prove to you that I am making steps for us to be together, I have moved in with my brother (he had a printout of an email he sent to our HR department with the change of address and it is in the same area where he said his brother lives) I hope you read this so you know how serious I am about being with you. I want to be a better man to you than I have been. Not speaking to you is hard but I understand itís necessary, hopefully you will read this I want you to know how much I love you and that you can depend on me. Just give me some time I will have the proof you need that I am serious and I will show you everything you need to see

My heart is yours always
MMĒ

After I read that I just shredded it and now my mind is racing back and forth with what ifs, what now, how do I feel. My mind has just gone to mush and I just want to scream and just release evenly emotion I have. Now I know why they say curiosity killed the cat. Iíve bee trawling the sites now for APís that went into proper relationships Iím reading up on OW that have been confronted by BS. Then I read pages of threads in the infidelity section and nearly lost it emotionally from all the stories

Right now Iím outside smoking in the rain trying to snap my mind back into gear I feel so alone right now I guess this is just another thing to add to the list my therapist has to help me with
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Old 24th March 2018, 1:25 AM   #74
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But don't get too anxious just yet because he never stated that he filed for divorce. He said he moved - you have no idea if he even told his wife what his long term goal is.

It's a solid plan to not communicate with him until his divorce is final.

MM pull this all the time - filing for divorce even - but not allowing that divorce to be finalized. Many go back. Many resume the affair after going back to that marriage.

Stick to NC - and get that new job asap.

He's disrespecting you by leaving you the letter - it's totally manipulative and completely sneaky!

He can prove that he wants you by letting you live your life while he gets that divorce finalized - and gets himself therapy to learn how to never cheat again... otherwise, you're just getting a man who will cheat.
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Old 24th March 2018, 10:48 AM   #75
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So I decided to just vent and rant on here as I feel Iím wearing my cousin down constantly with talks of my MM. Today I come into work and thereís an envelope for me my colleague tells me itís from HR so I just assume itís my payslips. I open it up and I get a letter from MM stupidly I read it curiosity just got the better of me it starts ďHi FL I know you told me not to contact you but I wanted to prove to you that I am making steps for us to be together, I have moved in with my brother (he had a printout of an email he sent to our HR department with the change of address and it is in the same area where he said his brother lives) I hope you read this so you know how serious I am about being with you. I want to be a better man to you than I have been. Not speaking to you is hard but I understand itís necessary, hopefully you will read this I want you to know how much I love you and that you can depend on me. Just give me some time I will have the proof you need that I am serious and I will show you everything you need to see

My heart is yours always
MMĒ

After I read that I just shredded it and now my mind is racing back and forth with what ifs, what now, how do I feel. My mind has just gone to mush and I just want to scream and just release evenly emotion I have. Now I know why they say curiosity killed the cat. Iíve bee trawling the sites now for APís that went into proper relationships Iím reading up on OW that have been confronted by BS. Then I read pages of threads in the infidelity section and nearly lost it emotionally from all the stories

Right now Iím outside smoking in the rain trying to snap my mind back into gear I feel so alone right now I guess this is just another thing to add to the list my therapist has to help me with
First calm down. As it stands it's just words on paper. Untill there is action and the divorce is WELL under way just sit back and let him prove his love.

Think of this as a test for him. He should jump through a few hoops not just because you need proof but also because it will wash away the idea in his head that he controls you.

Keep your chin up. Maybe this relationship can work. I don't think it's super likely looking at the odds but maybe. Just don't let yourself be conned. Give it a few months of letting him fall all over himself. I'm not saying be mean or super cold to him but you can not give him the idea you are waiting on tender hooks for his every word.

I would still recomend not being involved with this man but of you can't do that be with him in a smart way. I'm hoping for the best FL.
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