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Canít believe Iím here as the OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 5th March 2018, 12:55 AM   #46
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I did that too. I tried analyzing and hoping I meant something profound to her. It didn't help. The only way I could decouple from her was to realize, EVEN IF she loved me with the intensity of a thousand suns, me and her together where poison. I could do better. Alot better. she was hot great in bed and smart. that's NOT ENOUGH. There are 3 and a half billion men out there. There are better ones then thus guy. If this guy was talking divorce and making efforts and I mean serious efforts to leave his wife you would stand a chance. But he's not. And don't take this as an excuse to stick around till he does want to leave his wife. That never works out.

I feel like your reverting. You had such good introspection happening. You where beginning to understand the why of what draws you to a new man so easily. You where begging to dig. I feel like you are back to accepting crumbs. Back to being his little pet.

How is working out a councilor going?

Itís going well Iíve enlisted the help from my cousin finally told her everything whatís been going on. It feels nice to just get out all my feelings instead of only having my mind to think and think and think and then come to my own conclusions. Iím worried about going back to work as MM will be there on my first night back. But I will try to stay strong only talk about work anything else I need to shut down.

My cousin says that i need to tell him Iím done Iím scared to and I feel so stupid for putting myself in a situation where my life is now turned upside down my head is mush and my job could be at risk
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Old 5th March 2018, 1:36 AM   #47
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Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM.

Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going!
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Old 5th March 2018, 2:48 AM   #48
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Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM.

Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going!
This is without a doubt the best thing you can do. Just leave and don't look back.
Poppy
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Old 5th March 2018, 6:02 PM   #49
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Just find a NEW job asap...and don't say one thing about it to the MM.

Don't tell him you're leaving and don't say where you're going!
This is what Iím planning to do Iíve already started looking
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Old 6th March 2018, 9:13 PM   #50
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UPDATE: Tonight is my first day back at work wasnít expecting to see my MM today but he was in the office when I got in, I was polite and so was he until we were left in the office alone out came the pouring of the heart. He missed me, he hated not talking to me. I told him you didnít message me at all on my days off I wouldnít have answers but itís not like Iíve been ignoring phone calls or anything. He told me he was busy with the family and he could t get away from his phone. I said I didnít want to be a toilet phone call or a hide round the corner text. He said the usual fluff talk that he hates how heís making me feel and that I deserve more and he wants to give me more. Then he dropped a bombshell told me that he wants to leave her but to give him time to get things sorted, I asked him get what sorted. He said he needs to figure out the kids situation I said divorce proceedings would do that, he said he needs to figure out the house and assets I said again divorce proceedings would help you with that.

He seemed stunned that I wasnít falling in his arms or on my knees praising him. I said you figure out your marriage stay with her donít stay, move out do t move out thatís up to you. Iím not waiting for you to figure things out for years so you can leave or sneak out of your situation. He said he loved me I said do you really people that love each other donít say I wanted to call you but I was with family people that love each other donít say wait for me to figure out my marriage and kids. People that love each other do everything they can to be together in an instant.

I asked him when he left for work did he tell his wife he loved her, he didnít answer me. Iím embarrassed to say I had tears in my eyes at this point and I let him hug me. I said if you loved me you would say I filed for a divorce and Iím looking for a place so as not to uproot my kids this is what Iím doing so we can be together. He told me to trust him give him a few more months to get his stuff together that itís not easy just to walk away from his kids that he loves me and wants to be with me.

I know walking away from your children isnít easy and being a part time parent isnít easy but millions of people do it. They do it for all sorts of reasons. Am I not worth it happiness with me isnít worth it it seems. He sent me a a message saying trust me Lilly I love you more than anything and Iíll do whatís right by you I want it to be you and me.
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Old 6th March 2018, 9:27 PM   #51
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Iíve never been in your particular position Lilly, but Iíll give you my thoughts anyway. First, good job holding your ground and not succumbing. If he is serious, let him work out his situation and start things with you when itís resolved. Second, if he is serious about divorcing (which itís too soon to tell), have you considered whether you seriously want to be with him? Heís making it sound like he is leaving the marriage to be with you. Again, it remains to be seen whether this is all talk, but if it is not and you donít know if you love him you might consider telling him that he should divorce for his own reasons and not solely because of you. Even if you do love him you should want him to divorce for reasons separate from you. Thatís a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that is still in its early stages.
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Old 7th March 2018, 1:04 AM   #52
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Iíve never been in your particular position Lilly, but Iíll give you my thoughts anyway. First, good job holding your ground and not succumbing. If he is serious, let him work out his situation and start things with you when itís resolved. Second, if he is serious about divorcing (which itís too soon to tell), have you considered whether you seriously want to be with him? Heís making it sound like he is leaving the marriage to be with you. Again, it remains to be seen whether this is all talk, but if it is not and you donít know if you love him you might consider telling him that he should divorce for his own reasons and not solely because of you. Even if you do love him you should want him to divorce for reasons separate from you. Thatís a lot of pressure to put on a relationship that is still in its early stages.
To be honest I feel like I do love him, him saying he wants out of the marriage has thrown me but I donít trust that I love him because I love him and itís a genuine connection or itís my mind convincing me that I love him. This is why Iím goinng to counselling. This starts on Friday and I donít know what the outcome for my mind will be, I donít want him to leave for me specifically as fairytale romance as this is if heís unhappy then he needs to leave not just to be in a new exciting relationship. Maybe he doesnít love her and needed that push to leave again that has to be his own decision regarding his marriage. If he truly loves me and cares for me then he would understand the time I need to take for myself and would support me in that. If we were to jump into a relationship together right out of divorce he may use that as ammo against me and I would feel obliged to stay because of his sacrifice this is again giving him power to use me. This is something Iím not in the mood for this is the first time Iíve taken time for my own mind and actually allowed it to speak I donít want to lock it away again to appease others.

This is what I have to tell him face to face I donít know what heíll say, he may file tomorrow, confess his love to me to the world and we walk off into the sunset together who knows but I need to start a relationship with my own power and stability firmly in place.

Right now my brain is just mush my imagination is running wild my mind is filling in blanks that it shouldnít.
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Old 7th March 2018, 1:38 AM   #53
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You should still get a new job asap.

If he wants to divorce he will. You don't need to be standing there watching every ugly detail...it's not pretty.

He seems like a branch swinger - one of those guys that has to have another gal lined up to go to - to be sure he's not alone.

Honesty alone would do him a world of good! He needs to process the end of his marriage and the role he played in that. That he's cheated his wife out of an authentic and honest marriage. That he had an OW and how he can learn how not to cheat again...on you if he divorces. And he needs to learn how to be a better husband!

Don't be so quick to be happy about this - yet. He has to crawl through a HUGE pile of crap to get to the other side - and he may be bitter once he gets there because not only will he be divorced but he will likely be paying a hefty part of his paycheck to her and the kids...and he will be on his own taking care of those kids when he has them...that's a whole new world.

Let him be without you. You are the distraction, the fantasy and the temptation.


Just stay out of ALL of it until his divorce is final. You'll thank yourself. Get that new job and tell him not to contact you until he is a free man.

Remember, it's not flattering that a man will ruin his marriage for a woman - it actually shows what a jerk he actually is. You don't actually know him - you only know who you THINK he is.

Good luck, happy job hunting.
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Old 7th March 2018, 2:24 AM   #54
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Hi S2B thatís still my plan, I need a fresh start in my job somewhere new, I canít hold his head above water whilst Iím barely gasping for air. I have never witnessed anyone going through a divorce but what Iíve read itís a painstaking painful process which he needs to sort out with his wife his kids, finance and his own thoughts and feelings. It canít be just because he thinks Iím there to hold his hand whilst he does it and take on his responsibilities jointly. He needs to go through this as a single man I canít allow myself to be the crutch.

Youíre right I will tell him not to contact me during his divorce if he is actually going to go through it who knows. And only after not only when the divorce is final but when heís settled and improving himself as a better person a good father. Not that itís only him I also played a role in his failings as a husband knowing Iím the distraction from problems is something I will carry around with me knowing the time he took from his wife and kids was because I allowed him to do so I wanted him to do so rather than telling him to go home

I know the part I played in this affair and Iím not proud of the deceit or the part Iíve played in his decision. If itís all true and he does divorce then we both need to make sure we can be better people to figure ourselves out and to not cheat again. The blind canít lead the blind it needs to be a separate effort not just half an effort because we decide to be together. Iím thankful for all the input and blunt honesty Iíve gotten on ls left to my own mind I wouldíve just carried on as I was.
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Old 7th March 2018, 1:37 PM   #55
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Told you in a prior post the mind games would begin.

He doesn't need time to figure out assets and kids. Divorce proceedings in most if not all states take up to and over a year with mediation meetings where these things are worked out between the parties.

His wife has no idea that there is an issue in the marriage or that he is sleeping around. Hence why he "couldn't talk or text because he was with his family" so everything was great and he was having a good time with his wife and kids and didn't want to ruin it. See the obvious holes in his story here.

He is going to tell you what ever you want to hear or hook onto so he can continue his affair with you.

His words will be rainbows and unicorn farts whatever he thinks you want to hear.

Please separate yourself from this toxic situation. Just trying to help.
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Old 7th March 2018, 2:58 PM   #56
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There's nothing good that will come from ANY communication with him.

That is why it was better when you said you wouldn't respond to him at all.

He's manipulating you. Mainly because you decided to even listen to him!

Can you see that? EVERY opportunity he gets - he's gonna fill you with lies of being hopeful he will divorce. But it's always gonna be in "the future".

He's a future faker.

Call his wife and ask her if she knows they are divorcing - tell him you're gonna confirm everything with her - if he's divorcing her he should have no problem with you finding the truth!

Don't talk to him after that and don't listen either. Tell him to stay away until his divorce is final! In the meantime - start dating available men! Like now!
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Old 7th March 2018, 3:40 PM   #57
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Hi there Lilly, I agree with Sampson and S2B... and Whatcomesnext...

He might be telling you the truth... but his actions haven't been matching his words... and until they do, he is both biding his time and wasting yours.

Thus, what he said is ALL TALK.

Meanwhile, there are quite a few contradictions between what he said and what he did that stood out to me in your post. You have pointed out these contradictions - so has S2B and Sampson.

Awareness is key.

Most of the time, you can count on people to do what is in their own best interests. If there is a benefit for you, you can bet there is a benefit for the other person... This is something that you already know; I am just reminding you.

I think it's great that you are standing your ground here and questioning his words. My impression of your latest interaction is that he will keep adding it on if the previous words no longer work on you.

Can you find a way to pretend to be indifferent to his words? (extremely
hard, I know)

Keep questioning him; make it harder and harder for him to win at manipulating your decisions.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:28 PM   #58
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I guess I thought that hearing him out meant that I could stick up for myself put him straight on how I feel. But if heís going to use that to get at me more then you guys are right I need to not speak to him at all except for work and I can make that minimal I have to be strong itís such a battle
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Old 7th March 2018, 6:51 PM   #59
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I guess I thought that hearing him out meant that I could stick up for myself put him straight on how I feel. But if heís going to use that to get at me more then you guys are right I need to not speak to him at all except for work and I can make that minimal I have to be strong itís such a battle
Honestly at this point he has to prove he is leaving her. He has to file for divorce. Anything short of that is just flapping lips.

Don't sit around a wait. Don't talk to him about anything but business. Don't let him chat you up because he will use it as a wedge to start things back up. If you can't cut him off at least do NOT go physical again. Let him prove his words before that.

It's just a few months if he files now then you can start a proper relationship with him. I'm not going to tell you this relationship is doomed from the start but as long as he is married this is a big waste of your time and a huge weight on your soul. I know your afraid. Afraid that he doesn't love you enough and if you go cold on him he will leave. If he does leave it only proves his pretty words as lies.

Yes divorce is hard. Especially with kids. But that is not your problem. This is a messy situation. Keep your own dignity and self respect and you will be fine. And realize he isn't the be all end all. There are other great men out ther.

Also even if you do end up with this guy go to counciling. You have some stuff that needs working out and if you don't the same could happen with this guy that happened with the last.

Spend the next few months keeping your distance from him but keep an eye on him. See if his words ring true with his ACTIONS. Work on yourself in the meanwhile. a truly happy and healthy person can be happy alone. Having a partner is nice but your life can't revolve around always having some attached at your hip. Figure this out and your finding a recipe for an awsome and happy and healthy life. Any relationship you have with this guy will only be enhanced by any gains you make through introspection and counciling.

Sorry if there are any spelling issues I'm at work and I don't have much time to check Grammer and spelling issues.
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Old 8th March 2018, 7:38 PM   #60
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I had my first therapy session today, I think it went ok I was surprised at how much I just spoke and spoke and spoke without being cut off or being told no your wrong. It was refreshing although she probably thought I was an emotional wreck

MM called me a lot today I ignored him, he texted me saying I miss you but I just deleted the message. Today when I came into work I was professional towards him although it was a struggle not going back into our old routine as I felt so drained from letting all my emotions out I just needed a hug and someoneís comfort but I went to get some cake from our kitchen instead. he tried to start conversations about us, including his divorce and I just exscused myself from the office I went into the bathroom and just stood against the wall hoping he would leave by the time I get back. I just felt such a pull towards him my head was saying go to him it was like it was screaming it at me but I waited and waited.

When I got back he was still there, waiting for me I donít know but he said he left me a note not open for everyone to see but just for me, he left suddenly when he got a call no guessing at who it was from but Iím trying to not let my mind wander into that, I thought to myself open the note then throw it away but I shredded it. I still feel like a wreck and want to reach out to him but my mind is conflicted so much pushing me to him and pulling me away, right now the pull is stronger.
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