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Canít believe Iím here as the OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:54 AM   #31
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You do know you can say no to the MM, right?

Start saying no every time he needs to see you - for anything!

And start looking to move jobs asap. Do not tell the MM!
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Old 2nd March 2018, 2:14 AM   #32
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You do know you can say no to the MM, right?

Start saying no every time he needs to see you - for anything!

And start looking to move jobs asap. Do not tell the MM!

I told him no Iím too tired to wait. He just replied a sad face. Iím still going I told myself he drives if it was so important this thing he wants to give to me why he not coming early.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 3:29 AM   #33
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Now Iím on my way home I didnít wait for my MM but I have this guilt in my mind about not waiting I know itís irrational but I feel bad
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Old 2nd March 2018, 4:59 AM   #34
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Now I’m on my way home I didn’t wait for my MM but I have this guilt in my mind about not waiting I know it’s irrational but I feel bad
I'm so proud of you! Way to go. The journey out of this is taken one step at a time. There will be hard days. there will be days where you want to throw every gain out the window. Don't beat your self up for every mistake you make. Especially dont beat yourself up for what you feel. As long as you are really trying and not just throwing in a token effort you can only improve your situation. There will be days you feel horrible. But emotion follows action. It won't be instantly but if you want to feel a certain way take actions in line with that and somewhere along the way you will find yourself walking far down the path of life and looking at all this as ancient history wondering how it seemed so hard back then.

Our stories are not really exactly the same but I feel a strong connection to you. I'm emotionally invested in you already. We both had things happen to us as children that changed our understanding of relationships.

I hope you keep us updated and take care of yourself. I don't know your name or face or just about anything about you but it is already to the point that if you stopped posting suddenly I would get worried, sad and I would hope your ok.

Do you have any friends lily? Do you have anyone your close to? Someone like that will help you get through this. Even if you don't tell them what's wrong. Just a shoulder to lean on can do wonders. I broke down in front of my brother about a month ago. It was very embarrassing but it helped. He was there for me when I needed someone.

Do you have any hobbies? I threw myself into working out. It helped immensely. I would pop my ear buds in and just RUN and run and run.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 10:50 AM   #35
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You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close?
This is very true. But he canít hide behind the mask forever. Once he gets
comfortable enough he will start to show that ugly side to you. My MM did that often. Out of no where heíd take on a mood and make me feel like it was all my fault and then come back the next day without explanation or apology. Because I didnít deserve that. Those sorrys went to his wife. Those explanations went to his wife. I was just the one he used for his own ego boost. Whether I was showering him with attention or whether I was taking his BS and not questioning. He could be anyone to me and I accepted him as the perfect man. He groomed me so much to the point that even right now I feel like I have lost everything in losing him. And he just threw me away like trash after all of it. It feels like he emotionally murderer me.

Please take my advice, and everyone elseís advice. End it now. Itís going to be hard. But itís far worse when youíre the one left.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 4:24 AM   #36
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I'm so proud of you! Way to go. The journey out of this is taken one step at a time. There will be hard days. there will be days where you want to throw every gain out the window. Don't beat your self up for every mistake you make. Especially dont beat yourself up for what you feel. As long as you are really trying and not just throwing in a token effort you can only improve your situation. There will be days you feel horrible. But emotion follows action. It won't be instantly but if you want to feel a certain way take actions in line with that and somewhere along the way you will find yourself walking far down the path of life and looking at all this as ancient history wondering how it seemed so hard back then.

Our stories are not really exactly the same but I feel a strong connection to you. I'm emotionally invested in you already. We both had things happen to us as children that changed our understanding of relationships.

I hope you keep us updated and take care of yourself. I don't know your name or face or just about anything about you but it is already to the point that if you stopped posting suddenly I would get worried, sad and I would hope your ok.

Do you have any friends lily? Do you have anyone your close to? Someone like that will help you get through this. Even if you don't tell them what's wrong. Just a shoulder to lean on can do wonders. I broke down in front of my brother about a month ago. It was very embarrassing but it helped. He was there for me when I needed someone.

Do you have any hobbies? I threw myself into working out. It helped immensely. I would pop my ear buds in and just RUN and run and run.

Thankyou adotta for your support. Iím working the courage up to tell my cousin all of a sudden why Iím going to counselling and have moved out of my house.

My xbf and I left on pretty bad terms, I didnít tell him about the MM but he was very angry that I was leaving him. Called me all sorts and told me a few home truths about myself, I just sat there and took it Iím having an affair with my married boss not like I can play the high and mighty card. Iím happy to be out of there

Iím going to throw myself back into my art and drawing that was my childhood escapism helps my mind to wander off.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 11:15 AM   #37
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One day one decision at a time. Remember to wait pause think on any feeling or emotion before choosing a path. As the emotional rollercoaster mind games are going to begin.

Be prepared for your MM to manipulate your feelings to come back to him. Identify those attempts.

NC is best.

Read a book called "Not Just Friends" by Dr Shirley Glass it's available on Amazon.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 11:25 AM   #38
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P.S. His attempts will be coming at all directions because if you leave him, ignore him, say no, you have control. Also he will feel inadequate and that is not something he will like because he feels powerful so he will do just about anything to find your "on again" button. It's a trap!!
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Old 4th March 2018, 4:18 AM   #39
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It doesn't matter if it's a gift he thinks he needs to give you.

The ONLY gift he needs to show you for consideration is final divorce papers - if it's not that - then don't bother with him at all! He's playing you for a fool.
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Old 4th March 2018, 9:33 AM   #40
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It doesn't matter if it's a gift he thinks he needs to give you.

The ONLY gift he needs to show you for consideration is final divorce papers - if it's not that - then don't bother with him at all! He's playing you for a fool.
I agree, although I doubt this is a gift heís going to present me with anytime soon. Who knows what heís thinking or feeling. I do want to confront him about whatís happening I just want to know if heís going through what I am
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Old 4th March 2018, 9:52 AM   #41
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I agree, although I doubt this is a gift heís going to present me with anytime soon. Who knows what heís thinking or feeling. I do want to confront him about whatís happening I just want to know if heís going through what I am
Sweetie, this will serve no purpose. Knowing what he's going through will not change what you know you need to do. It will only make you weaker. Think of this situation like your cell phone. It's not plugged in to a charger. Each time you turn it on and interact with it, the battery runs down a little bit. Do that enough and the thing eventually runs out of power and is useless.
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Old 4th March 2018, 10:15 AM   #42
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One day one decision at a time. Remember to wait pause think on any feeling or emotion before choosing a path. As the emotional rollercoaster mind games are going to begin.
Wait... pause... think... I need to remember this. Because some moments the feelings are so intense that I want to text and pour my heart out to him and tell him I miss him and love him. But I know it wonít be reciprocated. Every feeling he had i took in. I reciprocated. And just as easy as they came in, they have been taken away. Like he just turned it off. How does that happen?

So wait, pause and think. Great advice
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Old 4th March 2018, 11:31 AM   #43
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P.S. His attempts will be coming at all directions because if you leave him, ignore him, say no, you have control. Also he will feel inadequate and that is not something he will like because he feels powerful so he will do just about anything to find your "on again" button. It's a trap!!
Sampson is spot on. This isn't about love for him in all likelihood. It's about him feeling like king ****. Your a notch in his belt right now. If you walk away from him he will feel like he ain't such a hot **** stud anymore. All men want to feel like they're studs. It's just this man is willing to sacrifice YOU to get that feeling.

As long as your hung up over him he can feel like a bad ass mofo.

If you truly want his advances to stop , the best way is to out him to his wife. There is the drawback of your work being involved and I believe your not ready for that quite yet but hold it in reserve. If the time comes and you decide unequivocally that your done with him and you want him to stop you can always use his job and wife as a threat to make him stop.

Again I think you need to be alone for a while. You should bunker down and work on you. Is there something you wanted to accomplish but never had the time? Maybe you have some vacations days built up? Being around this guy is going to play hell with your ability to think. No matter what he does you will be analyzing everything he does for hidden meaning.

And don't get me wrong. This guy might not even intend to use you. Most people need to convince themselves what they are doing is ok when they do somthing bad. This guy might not be a "bad apple" but that doesn't change the end of this story any. You wondering if he feels the same accomplishes nothing.

If you find out he loves you and is in pain.... it just makes it that much harder to leave. If you find out he is a cold hearted narcissistic then you will feel like crap for being used. There is no upside to learning his true feeling and no way to verify the truth of them anyways. It's an exercise of futility.

Last edited by Adotta; 4th March 2018 at 11:39 AM..
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Old 4th March 2018, 4:07 PM   #44
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Iíve spent so many hours analysing and trying to pick out details of what he says that makes me understand him. Telling his wife right now seems so much of a betrayal to him but I think thatís my own skewed perception.

I donít know if Iím holding out for him to confess his undying love for me just to feel like these sleepless nights and emotional rollercoasters were for nothing.
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Old 4th March 2018, 8:34 PM   #45
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Iíve spent so many hours analysing and trying to pick out details of what he says that makes me understand him. Telling his wife right now seems so much of a betrayal to him but I think thatís my own skewed perception.

I donít know if Iím holding out for him to confess his undying love for me just to feel like these sleepless nights and emotional rollercoasters were for nothing.
I did that too. I tried analyzing and hoping I meant something profound to her. It didn't help. The only way I could decouple from her was to realize, EVEN IF she loved me with the intensity of a thousand suns, me and her together where poison. I could do better. Alot better. she was hot great in bed and smart. that's NOT ENOUGH. There are 3 and a half billion men out there. There are better ones then thus guy. If this guy was talking divorce and making efforts and I mean serious efforts to leave his wife you would stand a chance. But he's not. And don't take this as an excuse to stick around till he does want to leave his wife. That never works out.

I feel like your reverting. You had such good introspection happening. You where beginning to understand the why of what draws you to a new man so easily. You where begging to dig. I feel like you are back to accepting crumbs. Back to being his little pet.

How is working out a councilor going?
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