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Canít believe Iím here as the OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th February 2018, 5:18 PM   #16
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Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now Iím in a hole and Iíve given MM the shovel. Adotta thatís a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table thatíll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

I feel like Iím being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange
If you don't want to tear your boyfriends heart out dump him now. Give him whatever excuse you can. This is a major service to him. This is NOT because your bad or evil or ugly or anything like that. A woman cheating on a man can destroy his self confidence. Self confidence is the key to any man succeeding at just about anything in life. Don't scar this guy for life.

You might want to look into any daddy issues you have. You might also want to look into power dynamics. The allure of a boss type can be deadly, especially when the man knows what he's doing. He's older strong confident. He makes you feel safe. He has authority. he could have chased anyone but he chased you!! he is risking everything to be with you!! The older boss figure seems to hit alot of keynotes in a woman's mind. I'll tell you right now the likely hood of this guy being serious is less then 25 percent. The likely hood of this guy divorcing his wife ..... is much lower. He has too much to lose. Children, car, house, savings, job. He will do the math and he will decide to string you along for as long as he can. Heck he might actually believe he loves you. That won't change a thing though.

The price of this relationship will fall squarely on your shoulders. He's being a typical male trying to get side action. He seems perfect but that because he is telling you just about anything he thinks you want to hear.

Maybe this guy is for real. I can't know that. But please at the very least give yourself a time limit. Say...... 6 months to a year. If he's not mid divorce by then you need to let him go. Some of the women on this board have wasted half thier lives waiting around for men who never really cared about them. It's sad. Don't let it be you. I really feel IC will do you wonders. Find a good councilor.

Good luck.
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Old 28th February 2018, 5:30 PM   #17
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Why can't you believe it? You knew every time you communicated with him you were becoming his OW? You made decisions that lead to that.

Why are you saying you can't believe it when you made conscious decisions every single day that lead to this result?
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:26 PM   #18
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Thankyou ladies for your replies, I know a lot of my childhood issues are impacting me now, not that I donít take responsibility for pushing them away and moving forward blindly I was always as a child looking for reasssurance or someone to take care of me, guide me through my life th stronger more confident the better. I pushed away negativity bending over backwards for approval that never came my parents gaslighted me throughout my early childhood and teens where I knew something was wrong but had my mind twisted to where in the end it was a mistake I made and everything is actually ok they were both confident and strong, manipulating even to where I now feel like Iím bad for moving away

When I finally got the courage to move out of home I moved straight in with my current bf we had planned to move in together so it was my escape route which now I think about sounds so cruel towards him I saw him as tough and a protector

Wmacbride your right I carry on the trend of my childhood Iím looking into counselling for myself although Iím pretty scared to lay it all out in the open for them I know I need to let it all out one thing Iím scared of is being told it was all in my head and actually I was in the wrong and a bad child probably why I avoided it for so long.
My bf doesnít deserve what Iíve done to him no matter what I feel about him and his behaviours Iím much worse and Iíve dragged him into this instead of taking responsibility for myself.

I havenít seen MM at work but he messaged and called me throughout the day but the day times I sleep before doing my night shift and by the time I woke up it was already late. I know I will have to break away and Iím building my strength up to do that I donít want anyone to get hurt because of my actions. Reading the stories on here helps me to see that my decisions and my choices are my own.
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Old 28th February 2018, 9:47 PM   #19
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Do you plan to leave that job? You'll find it much harder to end the affair if you stay working around him.


Map out a plan - and take action to make things happen - with the BF and with the MM.

A fresh start may be very healthy for you.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:49 PM   #20
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Do you plan to leave that job? You'll find it much harder to end the affair if you stay working around him.


Map out a plan - and take action to make things happen - with the BF and with the MM.

A fresh start may be very healthy for you.
S2B yes I do I have to working around him and then tying to fix myself isnít going to work out well for me. Itíll be too easy to run to him for attention or to make me feel better
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Old 28th February 2018, 11:12 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by Floating Lilly View Post
Thanks everyone for the replies, I know I need to go to IC believe it or not I was meant to start years ago due to my past with my narcissistic parents but I avoided it scared to confront my deep scars.

I knew the path I was going down but like most of the problems I have I just pushed it aside in favour of my happiness no worries=no problems now I’m in a hole and I’ve given MM the shovel. Adotta that’s a good idea next time he messages me to take me somewhere sex will be off the table that’ll be the slap in the face I need to see what he really thinks of me.

I feel like I’m being unfaithful to him having a bf I know that sounds strange

Get out now. Read my story and others on here. I had an EA for 3 and a half years. It turned into a PA just over a year ago. My life is ruined. My son hasn't talked to me in 7 months. And now MM is moving across the country to get out of this A and its his one last chance to save his family after 3 ddays. I am devastated. You might think its fun and exciting for now. But it is a slow torture being the OW and you will be miserable before you know it. He will not choose you.And you will take whatever breadcrumbs he gives you until there's nothing left of your self esteem. And even if he did choose you there will be a path of destruction cause by you and him. It's not worth it.

Last edited by Lehcar1012; 28th February 2018 at 11:15 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 11:49 PM   #22
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Thankyou ladies for your replies, I know a lot of my childhood issues are impacting me now, not that I donít take responsibility for pushing them away and moving forward blindly I was always as a child looking for reasssurance or someone to take care of me, guide me through my life th stronger more confident the better. I pushed away negativity bending over backwards for approval that never came my parents gaslighted me throughout my early childhood and teens where I knew something was wrong but had my mind twisted to where in the end it was a mistake I made and everything is actually ok they were both confident and strong, manipulating even to where I now feel like Iím bad for moving away

When I finally got the courage to move out of home I moved straight in with my current bf we had planned to move in together so it was my escape route which now I think about sounds so cruel towards him I saw him as tough and a protector

Wmacbride your right I carry on the trend of my childhood Iím looking into counselling for myself although Iím pretty scared to lay it all out in the open for them I know I need to let it all out one thing Iím scared of is being told it was all in my head and actually I was in the wrong and a bad child probably why I avoided it for so long.
My bf doesnít deserve what Iíve done to him no matter what I feel about him and his behaviours Iím much worse and Iíve dragged him into this instead of taking responsibility for myself.

I havenít seen MM at work but he messaged and called me throughout the day but the day times I sleep before doing my night shift and by the time I woke up it was already late. I know I will have to break away and Iím building my strength up to do that I donít want anyone to get hurt because of my actions. Reading the stories on here helps me to see that my decisions and my choices are my own.
You won't hurt your boyfriend much if you leave him. YOU WILL HURT HIM FOR REAL if you leave him for another man. There is a difference.

Unless your sure you truly LOVE love your boyfriend. You need to let him go. Don't drag him though hell because your struggling.

If you believe you truly love your boyfriend and want to stay with him.... tell the truth. You obviously have regret. Your struggling with issues that stem from childhood and more. I am too.

I think you are very codependent and looking for a father/white night figure to protect you. That figure was your boyfriend. He was your protector. Now it's this mm. He has what appears to you to be more power and control. I'm sure he is more confident. He has years of experience under his belt. I'm sure you adore him. I'm sure he appears to have EVERYTHING under control.
BUT that's not love.... and he does NOT have everything under control.

I've got family issues of my own and it can be super hard to pick through old memories and try to understand what they mean and how they effect me. A councilor WILL help with this. Do not worry they are trained to not judge and have seen situations that make yours look like a walk in the park. We can only help you so much. There is nothing to be ashamed of no matter what happened in your childhood. Even the decisions you are making now... while bad ones do NOT make you a monster. Please if have the time read my thread. I'm just starting out on my path to recover and you can too. The shame of revealing my story to a real person was palpable! It get easier. You have to start somewhere.

Keep posting here. And PLEASE talk to somone. It's important. Make sure they are somone you trust with good morals. You need somone you can TALK with as a touch stone.
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Old 1st March 2018, 3:07 PM   #23
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You won't hurt your boyfriend much if you leave him. YOU WILL HURT HIM FOR REAL if you leave him for another man. There is a difference.

I think you are very codependent and looking for a father/white night figure to protect you. That figure was your boyfriend. He was your protector. Now it's this mm. He has what appears to you to be more power and control. I'm sure he is more confident. He has years of experience under his belt. I'm sure you adore him. I'm sure he appears to have EVERYTHING under control.
BUT that's not love.... and he does NOT have everything under control.

Keep posting here. And PLEASE talk to somone. It's important. Make sure they are somone you trust with good morals. You need somone you can TALK with as a touch stone.
I was reading up on codependency today when I got home from work and it definitely sounds like myself. Iíve also been looking back on my past relationships and seen that Iíve gone from man to man jumping to the next highest protector in the ranks. In doing that for so many years I guess Iíve lessened my standards in favour of feeling safe, Iím quite quick to justify dismissing one person in favour of the next one. MM only texted me once today he told me heís out with family and he will see me tomorrow morning when I finish my shift he said heís going to come in early to see me. Iím dreading it actually seeing him face to face. When he texted me I felt like my mind was a yo-yo just back and fourth with see he does care no he doesnít thoughts

I have an appointment for IC next week I donít think Iíll be confident enough to speak about a lot of things so Iíve written a few topics down that I know I need to focus on
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Old 1st March 2018, 3:10 PM   #24
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I was reading up on codependency today when I got home from work and it definitely sounds like myself. I’ve also been looking back on my past relationships and seen that I’ve gone from man to man jumping to the next highest protector in the ranks. In doing that for so many years I guess I’ve lessened my standards in favour of feeling safe, I’m quite quick to justify dismissing one person in favour of the next one. MM only texted me once today he told me he’s out with family and he will see me tomorrow morning when I finish my shift he said he’s going to come in early to see me. I’m dreading it actually seeing him face to face. When he texted me I felt like my mind was a yo-yo just back and fourth with see he does care no he doesn’t thoughts

I have an appointment for IC next week I don’t think I’ll be confident enough to speak about a lot of things so I’ve written a few topics down that I know I need to focus on
A woman wanting to feel protected is normal. But you have to break this cycle. Men are not tools. Try to get a female councilor. It should be easier for you then.

Also as sad as it is this guy probably dies not care for you all that much. He's attracted and wants sex. He will tell you what you want to hear. If you complain about your boyfriend being xyz blah blah blah... then he will be the opposite of that. It's a well known formula. There are even forum posts on this forum where men explain thier formula for getting with women who are taken. It's easy and you probably where flashing signals that told him you where wipe for an affair.

You can find a man that is both secure AND somone you can love. I honestly think you need to be alone for a while. You need to be able to stand on your own two feet for a while. It may bring things into focus for you.

Last edited by Adotta; 1st March 2018 at 3:22 PM..
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Old 1st March 2018, 3:32 PM   #25
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Do you plan to leave that job? You'll find it much harder to end the affair if you stay working around him.


Map out a plan - and take action to make things happen - with the BF and with the MM.

A fresh start may be very healthy for you.
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Originally Posted by Floating Lilly View Post
S2B yes I do I have to working around him and then tying to fix myself isnít going to work out well for me. Itíll be too easy to run to him for attention or to make me feel better
Do you plan to leave that job?
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Old 1st March 2018, 5:42 PM   #26
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I do plan on leaving. Thereís other departments in the hotel I could move to but as you say S2B a fresh start would probably be best for me
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Old 1st March 2018, 6:47 PM   #27
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You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close?

And as you dive deeper into dependency on his attention to feel good inside about yourself. You will start to alienate those who care or are close to you, keep secrets from them, distance communication, till your world revolves around him. And he will like it that way. But hey he doesn't have to be there, account for his whereabouts, tell you everything, he just compartmentalizes you and feeds you exactly what you need to keep you hooked and quiet.

And as you boss, what happens if you pull away, don't keep quiet, don't play your part as a side piece, suddenly you are no longer the shiny penny and now just a reminder or a liability he will need to make you go away, quite, or possibly get fired.

I hope I didn't ramble to much. This is not a good situation you have got yourself into. Who do you want to be in life? How do you want to feel about yourself?
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Old 2nd March 2018, 12:03 AM   #28
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I do plan on leaving. Thereís other departments in the hotel I could move to but as you say S2B a fresh start would probably be best for me
I vote for a fresh start! You see, the MM is holding a spot that an available man could fill - an available man could be offering you unlimited time and attention, possibly vacations, marriage and an extended family.

Any focus on this MM keeps you from obtaining a partner who makes you his top priority - his only priority.

Why settle? You shouldn't.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 12:09 AM   #29
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Y Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life.
Yup. His breath stinks in the morning, too! He's nothing special .
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Old 2nd March 2018, 1:32 AM   #30
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You are only seeing a fantasy in your MM. He is only showing, talking, and doing what he thinks you will like. You are creating the perfect person every conversation, every text message, every meeting you have together. It is all so perfect. Because you are compartmentalized in his life, he and you make it perfect by leaving out real life. But in reality it is not a true authentic relationship, he does not share his moody mornings, anger or outbursts, responsibilities, bills, and when he discusses his family he seems like the perfect man (but in reality he is emotionally murdering his family). Am I close?
Your right this is how me and MM are we don't talk about anything negative just us or doing something fun no talks about bills or food budget. Like us against the world in our little bubble. Coming on LS has made me see that this bubble world I've created for myself isn't so unique and one in a lifetime relationship it makes it all the more confusing emotions.

Emotions that I really don't want to feel anymore I don't want to feel connected to him, I had a bad day dream of his BS turning up with their kids and having it out with me with all the guests watching and my colleagues looking on, what would I say to defend myself nothing what could I say to clarify our love nothing because Id be standing there all on my own. MM messaged me he told me that he wants to see me today before I go home he had something for me my heart jumped like "oh really" big grin then my head went "he'll be running late as usual you'll be waiting for him to come in staying way past your shift time missing your train and your bus"

It's like walking through an emotional minefield blindfolded

I'm going to be having a sit down with my bf today my cousin has said I can stay in her spare room. That's one step in the right direction I hope.
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