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Anyone's OM/OW have to move out of state after DDay? [UPDATE: IT"S OVER]


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 20th February 2018, 10:45 PM   #61
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Thank you, it's nice to know someone is hearing me. None of my family or friends wants to talk about it, they are so tired of hearing it, and I get it. I don't blame them. I'm lonely. I was in a 23 year relationship before I jumped into this A , I left my ex 2 months after it started because things were getting violent.. But this A started with a 3 year EA before it became physical. I was with my ex since I was 16. I have never been alone. This is new to me and I don't quite know how to handle it. I appreciate every one who takes the time to read and comment. It helps.
Hugs to you, Lehcar. Take it from me, an xOW, you deserve better. I can see it clearly because I've had some time away from it and time to heal. You are at the beginning, but hang in there because it does get easier! I understand your emotions are going wild, but do treat this like an addiction from which you are withdrawing. It really is that because your MM gives you a literal chemical high in your brain when you interact with him (Oxytocin and other "feel good" hormones). It's mother nature's way of ensuring procreation, but in cases like this, it is horribly unhealthy. Just like any addiction, the withdrawal effects will ease with time. I'm telling you this to remind you that it's not necessarily that he is so awesome, or that your love is so amazing, but rather that those chemicals have been flooding your brain for a while. There are withdraw symptoms. Think of it that way and after a couple weeks you will be sad, but not feeling like you are going crazy. Do not contact to get a "fix," because that will undo the last few days that you have already been through, and you will have to start from zero next time...and there will be a next time you go through this! Make no mistake, all affairs go through push/pull and it is absolutely maddening and destabilizing. Love, love, love yourself and then love yourself some more! Hang in there!!!!
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Old 20th February 2018, 11:06 PM   #62
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Hugs to you, Lehcar. Take it from me, an xOW, you deserve better. I can see it clearly because I've had some time away from it and time to heal. You are at the beginning, but hang in there because it does get easier! I understand your emotions are going wild, but do treat this like an addiction from which you are withdrawing. It really is that because your MM gives you a literal chemical high in your brain when you interact with him (Oxytocin and other "feel good" hormones). It's mother nature's way of ensuring procreation, but in cases like this, it is horribly unhealthy. Just like any addiction, the withdrawal effects will ease with time. I'm telling you this to remind you that it's not necessarily that he is so awesome, or that your love is so amazing, but rather that those chemicals have been flooding your brain for a while. There are withdraw symptoms. Think of it that way and after a couple weeks you will be sad, but not feeling like you are going crazy. Do not contact to get a "fix," because that will undo the last few days that you have already been through, and you will have to start from zero next time...and there will be a next time you go through this! Make no mistake, all affairs go through push/pull and it is absolutely maddening and destabilizing. Love, love, love yourself and then love yourself some more! Hang in there!!!!

I exercised, did laundry, cleaned , did my nails and washed my face. Now time to get ready for sleep...back to work tomorrow , 4 long 12 hour days but at least I will be busy.
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Old 20th February 2018, 11:20 PM   #63
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I exercised, did laundry, cleaned , did my nails and washed my face. Now time to get ready for sleep...back to work tomorrow , 4 long 12 hour days but at least I will be busy.
Yes, that will help. Sweet dreams! Dream of your happy new life without MM. You can do it! One foot in front of the other, one step at a time!
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Old 21st February 2018, 9:34 AM   #64
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At some point this WILL stop. You know that. You know he is not going to chose you over his wife. And you are killing yourself keeping track of the number of times he texts, what times he texts, and how long since he has texted. That is a lot of worry over a few words on a screen, if you think about it.


Since you know it will end, you will feel WAY better if you are the one to end it. Believe me, I know this. If he ends it, you will always feel the need to chase. If you end it, you are letting go. Big difference.


And to end it, simply do nothing. You don't have to check in to tell him you are ending it. Just stop all communication. When he comes over (in may be days before this happens) just tell him that you chose you.


The withdrawals are bad. They always will be, so doing it now will just start the process earlier so you can start to feel better. I still have withdrawals and it sucks. And I wish I had been the one to walk away, and I wasn't. Learn from my mistakes.
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Old 21st February 2018, 11:02 AM   #65
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He video called me last night just as I was getting ready for bed. He was at the pharmacy . He was letting me know he wouldn't be coming to work today. His whole family has flu and to make matters worse his W had another emergency yesterday. She has had pain for a few months and they said it was kidney stones,,she passed them and was okay for about 2 months. She had the pain again yesterday but much worse. They scheduled an emergency colonoscopy for today to try to see what's going on. He's very stressed. And very worried. I will back away and let him take care of his family. I will not turn him away when he calls or texts because I love him and we are first and foremost best friends.
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Old 21st February 2018, 11:13 AM   #66
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He video called me last night just as I was getting ready for bed. He was at the pharmacy . He was letting me know he wouldn't be coming to work today. His whole family has flu and to make matters worse his W had another emergency yesterday. She has had pain for a few months and they said it was kidney stones,,she passed them and was okay for about 2 months. She had the pain again yesterday but much worse. They scheduled an emergency colonoscopy for today to try to see what's going on. He's very stressed. And very worried. I will back away and let him take care of his family. I will not turn him away when he calls or texts because I love him and we are first and foremost best friends.
Oh goodness, this post made me want to cry for all of you. First, you should not be best friends. His wife should be his best friend and she desperately needs him now. Please do not be cruel to her. Secondly, he needs to be his wifeís best friend now as well. He needs to be able to look into the mirror and recognize himself as a stand-up guy who takes care of his family. By contacting you, he canít be that guy. Third, you just wrote that you are willing to take evenless from him because you are essentially valuing yourself last and thatís because he just valued you last. Please, please get strong. This is so bad for you. Thatís all I can say. I have to add that I lost sympathy for you when you were still willing to interfere in their marriage when his wife is sick. That is not okay.
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Old 21st February 2018, 12:00 PM   #67
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Oh goodness, this post made me want to cry for all of you. First, you should not be best friends. His wife should be his best friend and she desperately needs him now. Please do not be cruel to her. Secondly, he needs to be his wifeís best friend now as well. He needs to be able to look into the mirror and recognize himself as a stand-up guy who takes care of his family. By contacting you, he canít be that guy. Third, you just wrote that you are willing to take evenless from him because you are essentially valuing yourself last and thatís because he just valued you last. Please, please get strong. This is so bad for you. Thatís all I can say. I have to add that I lost sympathy for you when you were still willing to interfere in their marriage when his wife is sick. That is not okay.

I don't see anywhere in my post where I said that I am going to interfere in their marriage I'm not going to contact him I'm going to leave him alone to take care of his family but I am not going to turn him away if he comes to me and need somebody to talk to because he is my friend there's an old saying that says don't judge somebody because they sin differently than you . we are all on this board for a reason because we've been there and done that circumstances may be different but we are all in this board for the same reason
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Old 21st February 2018, 12:55 PM   #68
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I don't see anywhere in my post where I said that I am going to interfere in their marriage I'm not going to contact him I'm going to leave him alone to take care of his family but I am not going to turn him away if he comes to me and need somebody to talk to because he is my friend there's an old saying that says don't judge somebody because they sin differently than you . we are all on this board for a reason because we've been there and done that circumstances may be different but we are all in this board for the same reason
Darling girl, I donít think Georgia was intending to offend you. Perhaps she has been where you are and was trying to help cushion the pain of the inevitable realization that you actually mean very little to this man. He is not your friend, he is not your boyfriend..he is your affair partner. That means you are there for his pleasure, not yours. He can pick you up and play with you and then discard you whenever he wants, like a child putting a toy down to go play with something else.

What you are offering to him right now is wonderful for him and terrible for you. You are acting as an emotional tampon to him and you are getting nothing but breadcrumbs in return..and you are lapping it up like a starving puppy.

Why donít you value yourself more than this? You truly should. I know it makes you feel generous and caring to offer your friendship right now but be honest with yourself..does he really not have ANYONE else he can turn to? Heís using his illness and his wifeís to tap into your sympathy and keep you on the hook, especially after the text you sent. Itís a tactic. Itís not real. It doesnít mean anything. You are only prolonging your own pain by sticking around..the break up is inevitable.

Iím not saying any of this to be cruel. Please understand that. I have been where you are and I refused to walk away until I hit rock bottom. Donít be me.
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Old 21st February 2018, 1:14 PM   #69
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Darling girl, I donít think Georgia was intending to offend you. Perhaps she has been where you are and was trying to help cushion the pain of the inevitable realization that you actually mean very little to this man. He is not your friend, he is not your boyfriend..he is your affair partner. That means you are there for his pleasure, not yours. He can pick you up and play with you and then discard you whenever he wants, like a child putting a toy down to go play with something else.

What you are offering to him right now is wonderful for him and terrible for you. You are acting as an emotional tampon to him and you are getting nothing but breadcrumbs in return..and you are lapping it up like a starving puppy.

Why donít you value yourself more than this? You truly should. I know it makes you feel generous and caring to offer your friendship right now but be honest with yourself..does he really not have ANYONE else he can turn to? Heís using his illness and his wifeís to tap into your sympathy and keep you on the hook, especially after the text you sent. Itís a tactic. Itís not real. It doesnít mean anything. You are only prolonging your own pain by sticking around..the break up is inevitable.

Iím not saying any of this to be cruel. Please understand that. I have been where you are and I refused to walk away until I hit rock bottom. Donít be me.

This is a great post Catminx, and Lehcar, there is a lot of truth to it.The things you say to help yourself rationalize your affair being ok, are things like, he's my friend and when he needs me I'm gonna be there for him.

You seem defensive in your responses at time, and then you post you did it, it's over, when actually, all he has to do is reach out by any source and you're back in.

The making up, just causes the pleasure hormones to explode in your mind and body. It' a rush, just like an addiction.If you were dating someone, you wouldn't tolerate this on again off again dynamic.

If you were a fly on the wall in his house, I guarantee you, you would be so over this A. You would see his marriage in an entirely different way.
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Old 21st February 2018, 2:30 PM   #70
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I genuinely didnít mean to offend you. What I was trying to do - maybe poorly - is to get you to take a step back and challenge your assumptions about the reality of your collective situation.

You are young and single. No single guy would be allowed to take care of another romantic interest while still dating you. No single guy would tell you not to call or to expect that your relationship be reduced to texts until he is no longer busy. There are literally millions of guys out there.

You started this thread because you wanted out. You posted a few days ago that you needed more. And now seem to have accepted even less than what you had before. As I said earlier, the hardest thing is to walk away from someone you love. But, there comes a time when nearly every single person has to do this.
While I was never an OW, I had a relationship in my past where I had sacrificed just about everything for the guy and he still wasnít giving his fair share. As soon as I walked away, he wanted me again. I did that once and it crushed me to open the door back up to get even less than I had previously had. So I walked away and I thought it would crush me. Believe me, while not an OW, I still know how that feels.

It was honestly the absolute best thing I could have ever done for myself. Within months, I met my now husband. Because I wasnít ready for serious, we dated casually for a long time. We experienced a near tragedy that woke us both up to how much we loved each other. Today, I can honestly say I have never been happier or more content. I am here because I want that for all lonely souls - including you. I just really, really donít believe this is the guy to give it to you.

Oh and my ex? Still single. Still pulling the same stuff on really great women.
I feel badly for all involved but it ainít my monkey and not my circus. I want that
Perspective for you, too.
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Old 21st February 2018, 3:25 PM   #71
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The title of this thread it ďI did it. I ended itĒ.
This is more of a diary for you, than a call for support. Nothing wrong with that. Just understand people will rip you apart.
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Old 21st February 2018, 4:57 PM   #72
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Lehcar,

I really feel for you, I do. As another poster mentioned, it is incredibly hard to walk away from someone we love, someone we want to be with, someone we should treat as if he (or she) is dead to us when they're actually up walking around and sharing their lives with someone who isn't us...

This is your equation (and it was mine, too):

Lehcar =/= Lehcar's Married Man + Lehcar's Married Man's Wife + Lehcar's Married Man's Child(ren) + some of Lehcar

As it were, the deck is stacked in his favor. He has himself, his wife, his child(ren), and all of the parts of you that you have given over to him on loan. Right now, all you have is yourself (those remaining parts you haven't given over to him yet). You own all the parts of you, and the bill on that loan you made to him is overdue. It is now time to call it in. Draw up an invoice, but call it in. You need ALL of you. He has too much in his favor already.

...If it were available to us, I would make an appointment to undergo the erasing procedure portrayed in the film Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. How I wish that were available sometimes... If you were to undergo the procedure, Lehcar, I imagine you would be how you are today but tomorrow you would be like Kate Winslet's character the very first time she saw Jim Carrey's character after the procedure was completed: she didn't even recognize him. Looked him straight in the eye, nothing. She had loved him fiercely, and then nothing. It was magically gone.

Unfortunately, we don't have access to any such procedures, but if we did... I would gift it to you. That would be far easier than the task you have at hand.

You have my sympathies for your heartache, but nothing at all is going to change here unless *you* change it. He is getting literally everything he could possibly want, and has no reason or desire to need or want change.
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Old 21st February 2018, 5:09 PM   #73
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Op, what is it that you want?
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Old 21st February 2018, 6:27 PM   #74
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Op, what is it that you want?
Honestly, I just want to be happy. When I started this thread, it was genuine. I had ended it, and I felt so strong. I had fully intended to stick with NC. I know it didn't last long and I caved the first time he tried to contact me. But i look at it as a big step because i had never had the courage to end it before and that was the first time i had done NC. So I know that even though it may not seem like it, I am getting stronger and the time will come soon when I hit my breaking point or my rock bottom. I am sorry I got so defensive earlier and I appreciate everyone's advice and comments because they are helping me to see things in a different light. I am still so very confused and my feelings change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.
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Old 21st February 2018, 7:28 PM   #75
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Honestly, I just want to be happy. When I started this thread, it was genuine. I had ended it, and I felt so strong. I had fully intended to stick with NC. I know it didn't last long and I caved the first time he tried to contact me. But i look at it as a big step because i had never had the courage to end it before and that was the first time i had done NC. So I know that even though it may not seem like it, I am getting stronger and the time will come soon when I hit my breaking point or my rock bottom. I am sorry I got so defensive earlier and I appreciate everyone's advice and comments because they are helping me to see things in a different light. I am still so very confused and my feelings change from day to day, sometimes hour to hour.
What is it, from the situation, that you can see making you happy? What is the ideal outcome for you?
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