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Anyone's OM/OW have to move out of state after DDay? [UPDATE: IT"S OVER]


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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:45 PM   #1
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Anyone's OM/OW have to move out of state after DDay? [UPDATE: IT"S OVER]

I have been lurking in this forum for months now. I was in an EA with a man I work with for 3 years. 11 mos ago it became a PA. I was in a 23 year relationship with my children's father at the time. He is married 19 yrs. My relationship was very unhealthy. A history of physical and emotional abuse. He found out about the A right after it started by checking phone records.

He showed up at my work one night 2 mos later and was threatening me and MM. I had no choice but to call police and I left that night and never returned. My children are older. My daughter is 22 with a child of her own...she has seen the abuse and understands the choices I've made. My son on the other hand is 17 and has taken his father's side. He hasn't spoke to me in 5 mos.

After I left, the A went from seeing each other 1 or 2 hours a week on days off and at work, to being inseparable. He would spend every moment with me outside work and only went home to sleep. DD happened for him about 5 months into the A.

My ex wrote a note detailing the A and posted it on MM door for his wife. That day we almost ended it but continued. For a few weeks he spent less time with me but it wasn't mind before we were inseparable again. It has gone like that since then with several incidents with his wife.

They have been just keeping it together for the kids. They haven't been intimate in months , and she has been cold to him since DD. Yesterday he told me she has been trying to be intimate with him lately. She has been making an effort to be close to him again. He has been avoiding it because as strange as it may sound, he says if he is close to her he feels guilty and feels lime he's cheating on me.

He can't avoid it forever, and he knows this as well as I do. He says it will be difficult for him because he is not attracted to her and his heart is with me but he is prepared to do whatever he has to to keep his kids.

I love this man so much and I know he loves me. He is a good man. I know that he can't go on like this forever and neither can I. And yet we can't let it go. I would never ask him to choose me over his kids, and he never would. He is a wonderful father. I know the end is near for us and it is breaking my heart. I don't want to let him go and continue to accept less and less ...he tells me that when he's with his her he is miserable and can only think about me.

He goes to do things with his family and tells me he can't bring himself to sit with her at movies or on outing because he is wishing it was me. I try to tell him he is only making it worse and he has to try to enjoy his family time . I'm so confused and have constant anxiety wondering every day if this will be the day that he tells me it's over. I don't k ow why I'm posting here. I just need to vent I guess.

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Old 23rd January 2018, 1:34 PM   #2
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I know why...

I know why... and so do you because you have been reading here for a while.

Yours is nothing but the standard affair, and you are the standard MW and he is the standard MM.

Nothing new. It is good that you left your husband if he was abusive, that was a good move.

As for your son, since you had an affair, and he knows what you did, it will be a while before he comes back to you. (consequences)

And you will say that "He saw the abuse, he knows what his father did to me!" Yeah, he may have, but kids don't think that way. Male children for sure don't think that way.

My Ex W was a drug addict for 20 years. All three kids saw all of her crazy behavior and they still love her. I don't expect then to NOT love her, but I wish I could have gotten more credit for what I went through with their mother.

They are still loving to me, and depend on me when they need help, but some how I just wish they understood better.

So your MM... Yeah, he may love you, but not enough to leave a sexless marriage, not enough to take the financial hit it will take to get a divorce to be with you, and not enough to leave his kids.

And more than likely, he never will. Esp since she knows he is having an affair, AND she wants to lure him back with sex.

And he will start sleeping with her again, why not have twice as much sex as he is getting now.

And you know what, none of this will change. He will keep you on the hook because you love him, and your life will stagnate.

What should you do? Get a divorce from your husband, and when you are ready, start dating single me...
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Old 23rd January 2018, 2:01 PM   #3
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“Oldest line in the book "My wife doesn't understand me."

Second line, " Trust me I'm not like all the other guys who cheat on their wives, I'm different.”

He’s having sex with his wife. You’re getting seconds.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 3:36 PM   #4
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I am sorry about the abuse you suffered from your husband, and for that alone, you should absolutely leave him. His behavior is unacceptable. However, you unnecessarily complicated your situation with your affair.

It's tempting to view your situation as some sort of unique star crossed lovers situation, but if you do enough reading here, a little introspection, and give yourself a good honest look in the mirror you'll quickly discover that this is just like any other run of the mill affair. There is nothing special about it.

You may think he loves you, but the sad truth is that he does not. He loves himself above all others, and his actions tell you so. Forget his words for a second, and focus on what he does. That will tell you everything you need to know. A man who truly loved you would never in a million years encourage you to do things that would estrange you from your child. How does he have the balls to look you in your eyes and talk about his love of his children preventing him from leaving his wife while he knows the price you paid to leave? How you haven't punched him in his face when he says that to you is a miracle. The 5 months you have lost with your son is time you can never get back. He's at the age where who he will be as a man is being determined, and your absence will have consequences... and all that for what, a man who is clearly not going to leave his wife for you? That's a hefty price to pay for so little reward in my opinion.

Your situation sounds to me like he just wants to keep you hanging around for easy access. So, he'll ply you with sweet words, tell you how much he hates his wife, how you are the one he really loves and can't stop thinking about, but nothing will change. I hate to be blunt, but if it is truth you seek, continue reading. Your role in his life is clearly defined in his mind. You are not "the one" to him. If you were, he would move mountains to make sure you were together. At best you are someone he cares for but does not love, and at worst you are a distraction. Now, the option is yours whether or not you can live with it, but unfortunately, the consequences are felt by all... especially those who played part in the affair.

My unsolicited advice to you is simple. Divorce your abusive husband. Extricate yourself from this affair as fast as possible. If you do not, it will lead you down a lonely road where you will end up alone. You still have time to rectify your relationship with your son. It won't be easy, but that is the most important thing you can do because no one knows where MM will be in 5 years or 10 years... but your son will forever remain your son, so throwing away that relationship for the crumbs off someone else's table is not a good trade. Good luck
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Old 23rd January 2018, 7:07 PM   #5
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Your husband abused and hurt you...and now you are contributing to hurting another woman.

Work on the relationship with your son. Then look for an available man.
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Old 7th February 2018, 11:17 PM   #6
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I did it...i ended it

I finally ended it today. I have not talked to him or texted him in 5 hours. It seems like a lifetime. This is not easy. I just got home from work, it's a miracle I was able to make it through the day . Felt like I was gonna pass out as soon as I sent the break up text. No I just got home and this is the really hard part. Being in my room, in my apartment, where we spend most of our time. It smells like him, his clothes are here , his towel, toothbrush, toothpaste...so many reminders. So many memories. I am devastated but in a strange way I feel a sense of relief. I can't continue to accept less and less and less . I can't be the only one putting in effort.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:29 AM   #7
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How do you feel about packing all of his stuff in a box?? Seal it up with tape and ship it back to him.

At this point, you don't need any reminders in your apartment.
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Old 8th February 2018, 8:28 AM   #8
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Yes, I think at some point I will get rid of those things. I cannot ship them to him because of course he is a MM. Right now it's too painful to do it and my main goal is to get through my work week, 12 hour days until Saturday. I am not allowing myself to breakdown or cry because if I start I won't stop. I made it through the night with NC and I will do this day by day, hour by hour, maybe minute by minute. I miss him. But there is no future in this. It is a dead end.

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Old 8th February 2018, 10:19 AM   #9
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Can you put the box of items in the back of a closet or some other area where you won't see it every day??

I think the healing process will go smoother if there aren't constant reminders all around you. Your apartment is your sanctuary, a safe place to relax & heal. It should be cleansed of all things that make you sad.

Just my opinion.
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:31 AM   #10
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Did you block all forms that he can contact you?
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Old 8th February 2018, 11:47 AM   #11
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Keep in my that the break-up text you sent is just one tiny step towards your goal of moving on in your life past this toxic relationship. You would be the incredibly rare exception if you actually stuck to the break-up and didn’t fall back into the relationship.

Just like an alcoholic or other addict, you need to recognize your addiction to this man and take affirmative steps to prevent your weaker self from slipping up. When you sent the text, you were strong, but you will also have weak moments in the future. Just like an alcoholic shouldn’t have bottles of liquor sitting around in her apartment, you shouldn’t have any reminders of him in your apartment. While your resolve is strong, take these steps:
1. Delete all his contact information from your phone and other devices. Yes, you probably know this information by heart, but the extra little step of having to type out a phone number instead of simply selecting a saved contact could make the difference
2. Block any and all of his numbers and email addresses. Make it as hard as possible for him to contact you in any way. Even though your ego desperately wants to know whether he is trying to contact you, you have to let this go.
3. Don’t go anywhere where he might be. Again, recovering alcoholics shouldn’t go to bars, where the temptation to fall back is so strong, and neither should you put yourself in a situation where your resolve could fail.
4. As already mentioned here, box up everything of his in your possession and put it away. Don’t keep any mementos! If you have a card where he wrote you a love note, throw it away. Otherwise, you will be tempted to read it and fall back into those emotions that will make you weak again.
5. Stay busy! If your mind is unoccupied, it will dwell on bad thoughts.
6. Get control of your thoughts. This is admittedly the hardest part, but not impossible. You are the master of your mind. If you find yourself thinking about him and missing him, say out loud, “stop!” and force your thoughts to something else.

Sending the break up text was a good first step, but your battle is just beginning. Recognize that fact, and you will be much better equipped to make this a successful break up, and not one of millions that have failed to stick.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:11 PM   #12
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We work together, but don't see each other often at work he was recently moved to a different building. This morning I was stopping at the gas station by work as I do everyday, he was there sitting in his car. I went in got my water and came out and went to work. As soon as I was getting out of my car, he was getting out of his, coming into my building I'm assuming to get a uniform which he hasn't done in a long time. We passed each other as I was clocking in. He held the door for me, I said thank you and walked away. He texted me not long after. Saying he will be ok, I will be ok, he will always love me. He is sorry for texting me but he just wants me to be ok. I don't understand why he is texti g at all. I have not responded.
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Old 8th February 2018, 12:35 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lehcar1012 View Post
I don't understand why he is texti g at all.
Seriously? Come on. You’re a smart woman. Stop lying to yourself.

So, I guess you haven’t blocked his texts. You need to do that.

Your mindset should be that of a person in a war. He is going to do everything in his power to keep you on his hook, and you need to do everything in your power to escape. His first moves will be to put on a full court press, texting you, calling you, “accidentally” bumping into you, following you, etc. If that doesn’t work, he’ll do a 180 and give you the cold shoulder, ignoring you and going no contact. Often times this will be coupled with an attempt to make you jealous. Perhaps he’ll flirt with another woman in front of you. Typically this strategy is more effective than the initial full court press.

If you know and recognize what he is doing in advance, you’ll be much better equipped to counter it.
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Old 8th February 2018, 1:41 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lehcar1012 View Post
Yes, I think at some point I will get rid of those things. I cannot ship them to him because of course he is a MM. Right now it's too painful to do it and my main goal is to get through my work week, 12 hour days until Saturday. I am not allowing myself to breakdown or cry because if I start I won't stop. I made it through the night with NC and I will do this day by day, hour by hour, maybe minute by minute. I miss him. But there is no future in this. It is a dead end.
Take your time, but I'd recommend not too much. The longer those things are around, the more you'll be reminded of him. It too me a week or so to hide them out of sight, a month or two to seal them up in bags marked Do Not Open. What sealed the deal was having to put all my stuff in storage for 3 months. By the end of that, I no longer needed or wanted that stuff.

I still have it, in case he ever tells his wife. It's my proof I wasn't simply some sex-crazed seductress and he was as all in as me. But at this point I don't even know where those bags are among my boxes of crap. And that's what all that is anyway, a big ole bag of crap.
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Old 8th February 2018, 4:03 PM   #15
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His wife knows already. And I would never do anything to hurt him. The relationship was not ideal and I need more, but he is a good person and I do not want to hurt him.
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