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First Post... I'm the OW


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th February 2018, 6:48 PM   #1
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First Post... I'm the OW

Hi all,

I'm nervous to share my story but here it goes. I am the OW in a relationship with a MM. He's also my co-worker. Thankfully we work out of different offices, in different states but it doesn't stop us from seeing one another.

Where do I begin? He's 36, I'm 27. We started working together about a year ago and I instantly had a crush but I didn't act on it knowing he was married. We rarely saw one another but would talk via email or phone often. Always work related. We saw one another last summer three times for work. The third time a lot of alcohol was involved and he got a little handsy at the bar. I freaked out and said to myself "you can't do this." But honestly I was intrigued.

Fast forward to me being in his state in the late summer for work. After a work dinner with LOTS of alcohol we ended up having sex. We didn't acknowledge it but when he was in my state for our company Christmas party we had sex again and I was able to ask him lots of questions. This isn't his first affair (he and his wife have been married for 11 years), they "aren't" physical anymore (which I think is a lie), etc.

Since then, we talk every day via text and he calls me every single night when he takes the dog for a walk. Then we text again before we both go to sleep. On a whim, I hopped on a plane and spent 12 amazing hours with him last month when his wife was out of town. Yes we were in their house. No we weren't in their bed. He's come up here once more for work and I've gone down there for work once since then. Both times have been great.

His wife is gone again next week and today I booked my ticket to go see him for two nights. At their house again. It'll be the longest we've spent together. I worry about getting caught though. His wife is a super powerful woman and she could ruin me and my career if she ever found out. I know she is aware he has been unfaithful in the past because she's always checking in on him.

That being said, I don't think I'm to the point where I really care about the consequences. And I know how dangerous that it. I also feel like I'm different than the others posting here because I really don't want MM to leave his wife for me. That's not my intention. I have some **** going on in my life right now and the attention and distraction is what I crave. The sex is amazing too. We have this great physical and emotional relationship going on and that's it. He constantly tells me that I mean more to him than just sex (yes I know this is probably just a line).

Anyway, I don't know if I have a question or am looking for advice but that's my story. I think the real reason for me finally posting and reaching out is because next week is kind of scaring me. I'm more excited than worried about getting caught but still. Anyone have anything to say to all this? Thanks for reading.
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Old 17th February 2018, 6:53 PM   #2
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Why is next week scaring you?
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Old 17th February 2018, 7:53 PM   #3
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You are definitely more than just sex to him, you're also an ego boost, and it sounds like you may be a means of getting even with a wife who no longer adores him. I say this because inviting you to their home is veering perilously close to getting caught, as if he's doing it deliberately. What if someone who knows them turns up at their house? What if his wife came home early for some reason? Because if she checks on him regularly there is a reasonable possibility that she suspects something. She didn't get to be a "super powerful woman" by being stupid or gullible. Do you really want to tangle with a person who could short-circuit your career? By inviting you to their home he's showing you that he's deceitful, has no respect for his wife, (he's actually letting you invade her privacy), and also that he couldn't give a toss if you got caught despite the possible serious ramifications for you.
There are billions of single, available, decent men in the world, so why get involved with one who clearly doesn't care about anyone other than himself? I'd be wondering this, why does he stay in an allegedly sexless marriage with a woman he has no respect for? What does that say about him?
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Old 17th February 2018, 8:21 PM   #4
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What are you thinking? He is nine years older than you

married, bringing you into their home. That's about as shady as it comes. Why would you put yourself through this?
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Old 17th February 2018, 8:30 PM   #5
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No judgment here (I'm in no position to judge anyone!), just my take on what you've written -

What Ms. Jayne said.

Staying in their home is a whole other level of infidelity, begging to get caught. If he just wanted to see you he would see you in a hotel. And if you didn't kind of want to get caught you would refuse to stay in their home.

Seems like you both are getting off on the danger. It seems reckless to me. I think you need to seriously consider the lasting consequences of getting caught and not just the momentary excitement of it.

Last edited by Finding my way; 17th February 2018 at 8:33 PM..
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Old 17th February 2018, 8:36 PM   #6
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Do they have kids?

You have no clue where in their home the wife has hidden a voice recorder or even a video recorder. I'd refuse to go to his home if I were you. She knows he's a cheater so she's already on guard. I bet she already is checking his phone records and knows he's on the phone with you every night while walking the dog. This guy is probably not as slick as he thinks he is. She might even be going out of town for the purpose of setting him up.

If I were you, I'd want no part of this, regardless of your "emotional connection."
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Old 17th February 2018, 9:13 PM   #7
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I appreciate all the replies and advice. I really do.

To answer some questions, there's no kids. He says they never wanted them. I have thought about her placing a recording device of some kind in the house or her coming home early. And it terrifies me. Why am I putting myself through this? I don't know. I have a lot to think about.
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Old 17th February 2018, 9:40 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by snowbunny22 View Post
I appreciate all the replies and advice. I really do.

To answer some questions, there's no kids. He says they never wanted them. I have thought about her placing a recording device of some kind in the house or her coming home early. And it terrifies me. Why am I putting myself through this? I don't know. I have a lot to think about.
Watch a few episodes of "Snapped" and I bet your mind will be made up.
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Old 17th February 2018, 9:58 PM   #9
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I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

I’m a married woman with kids.
There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. It’s like a cancer that takes over.

The scary part is that you don’t get a warning that you’re about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This won’t always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

I wish you well and I’m glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:18 PM   #10
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its a trap. dont go on the trip
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:54 PM   #11
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Long term pain for short term gain?

Once again itís Professor Bufoís homework assignment. Veterans can skip this as itís a repeat of prior advice

Read any 10 randomly selected OW posts involving MM. Keep score on how many end weíll versus how many do not. If you donít see a pattern, pick another 10 randomly. Repeat the math.

Then tell us if you honestly believe your A or MM is special and will turn out with a fairy tale ending.

If BS is powerful enough to adversely impact your career, practice your spiel to some future potential employer about why you left your job suddenly. You should have some free time to practice now between your ďdatesĒ with MM.

Also practice explaining the gap in employment and romantic involvement to some future suitor. Think that person might question your judgment?

D-day will come sooner or later. Are you ready for it?
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Old 17th February 2018, 11:00 PM   #12
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

Iím a married woman with kids.
There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. Itís like a cancer that takes over.

The scary part is that you donít get a warning that youíre about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This wonít always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

I wish you well and Iím glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.
Wow, you put my feelings into words exactly. It's a terrible feeling. Hindsight is 20/20 and here I am it will be 1 year next week. Right now MM has the flu...i didn't hear from him until about 3 pm today. Up until that time I did nothing but sit around the house . It's like as soon as he texts or calls and i know we are ok for another day , i am alive again. Its really a sad way to live and yet I can't seem to break free from it.
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Old 17th February 2018, 11:54 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sarahhurts View Post
I started out like you. Thought I had it under control.

Iím a married woman with kids.
There were zero expectations in terms of leaving his wife, in fact we both agreed that upfront. It was a distraction and it filled a void in my marriage. (Since figured out what the void is and working on it).

My warning is....you feel like this now but the time will come when you are so sucked in and it will eat away at your mind, your mental health and your ability to lead a normal life. Itís like a cancer that takes over.

The scary part is that you donít get a warning that youíre about to bridge that transition. You just wake up one day and realise you are no longer in control, the addiction is.

Your happiness depend on the daily messaging and contact. And it only takes one small slip, one too uncomfortable question from his wife for him to take a break. A day, a week, a month, however long.

And during that time you stop living and you are truly experiencing what feels like agony and torture. The withdrawal and the come down takes over your life and ability to function.

I suspect you feel strong now because you get guaranteed, predictable daily contact. This wonít always be the case and once it starts becoming less scheduled the shift and loss of control will set in.

I wish you well and Iím glad you reached out. This group is a great support, irrespective of where you are in the cycle or in which camp.
OMG, this right here ... EVERY word is truth. And it is a horrible way to live. Don't live like this.
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Old 17th February 2018, 11:56 PM   #14
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Dude, seriously--if this affair is important (and it sounds like you're going no matter what) demand that he spring for a hotel. I'll skip all the "this is wrong" etc., and let someone else tell you that.

Yuck. Why would you want to be in his house? Any comforts within the house are immediately negated by being on eggshells whether you are just sitting around or getting it on. You aren't familiar with the sounds of the house, so you are going to be on edge the whole time. I simply wouldn't do that. If you must have at it, go to a hotel where you are at least somewhat protected in case she does show up and go nuts. I'd be dead afraid that you'd gaze up "lovingly" and she'd be in the doorway.

Absolutely avoid that like the plague. Between the both of you, spring for a motel six. You'll be in the sack the whole time anyway.

*when me and the first husband separated (and we were completely done--both of us), he packed his bags and left. But, some of his stuff was there. We split on pretty amicable terms. But, there was the long period between informal separation and the divorce (it was completely in the works from the get-go). Still, when my now husband would come over to the place me and the ex shared, I was ALWAYS on pins and needles. It was never comfortable. And, that's not even because it was my house with him. I was afraid of getting caught, even though I wasn't cheating.
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Old 18th February 2018, 12:27 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Lehcar1012 View Post
Wow, you put my feelings into words exactly. It's a terrible feeling. Hindsight is 20/20 and here I am it will be 1 year next week. Right now MM has the flu...i didn't hear from him until about 3 pm today. Up until that time I did nothing but sit around the house . It's like as soon as he texts or calls and i know we are ok for another day , i am alive again. Its really a sad way to live and yet I can't seem to break free from it.
Wow, a year! It's only really been three months for me and I can't even imagine it going on for an entire year. Famous last words, right? I feel like you and I would have a lot to talk about.
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