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Question for those who got out of the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 1st March 2018, 12:57 PM   #61
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The above PP have some great advice regarding withdrawal and reaching out. My xAP ghosted me twice (and I still had feelings for him, I know, ugh) and yet I would still reach out to him (this was before d-day). I see now that I wanted the fix. I think, too, I also wanted to pull him in so that I could then reject him. So I could get some of my power back. Which, of course, didn't happen. Looking back I feel sad that I had so little self-respect for myself.

Another thing I want to just bring up, is that it's fine to wallow, but think about putting a time limit on it. After my d-day I spent ten days with my parents. I barely left my room and definitely didn't leave the house for a week. I wallowed in the aftermath of all I had done. After a week, I went downstairs, dressed, and told my mom that I was going to see if one of my friends was around to get lunch. "Good," she said. "Because if you didn't get going today I was going to make you get going."

So just be cognizant of your wallowing and make sure to turn it into action and moving forward. I think the longer spent wallowing the harder it will be to move forward but that's JMO. GL.
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Old 1st March 2018, 3:45 PM   #62
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GH, you are under no obligation to be his friend. He is not your friend. He abandoned you. Do not be his friend. If you need to interact with him for work, act professionally with as minimal contact as possible and leave it at that. I understand your struggle because I have to see my MM too. Not at work, but socially in our community (typically with our families no less). He claimed to be my friend as he cut me out of his life and erased me. I kept myself friendly and open to him even though I was dying with pain and hurt inside because I wanted him to feel he could come back. Meanwhile this man who claimed to still be my friend generally ignored me, hurting me all the more. Then I switched to ignoring him, and even that was initially done in the hope of getting a reaction. The reaction I received was for him to ignore me even better than he had been before. Now I ignore him for my own emotional protection. All this is to say that you will save yourself a lot of setbacks and heartache if you do NOT try to be his “friend.” Friends do not treat each other the way MM treated you and mine treated me. “Friends” do not need to take a step back from each other and do not abandon each other. Friends want to make your life better, they care about your feelings. This is no friendship. Also, to the extent a physical attraction remains it cannot be a healthy friendship anyway.
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:39 PM   #63
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Friend??

What??? WHAT AN ASS.

Reminds me of the song, Shadowboxer, by Fiona Apple:
Once my lover, now my friend / What a cruel thing to pretend / What a cunning way to condescend.

Especially in this situation.

F that. He doesn't get anything from you. He has his wife.
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:47 PM   #64
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Reading Material

I thought of you when I read the following articles. I hope they can help you; I found them helpful myself and echo many of the realizations I've had over the past year. It's written by a married woman who had an affair.

Here's the follow-up she wrote.
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018...ing-an-affair/

Here's her first article.
https://www.elephantjournal.com/2018...had-an-affair/
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Old 2nd March 2018, 11:07 AM   #65
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Thank you for the link to the article. If only I could articulate my story like she did. But itís an inspiration for me to take responsibility for my pain and begin a long hard process of working on me. Because if I delve deep enough, I can see that unresolved issues guided me to do and choose as I did by walking into this self destructive affair. I say self destructive because I saw it as it was all happening and I let it happen. It was familiar. It was home.

I had to go into work last night to take care of something. He wasnít suppose to be working but he was there. And when I saw him my heart shattered. I said hello to everyone including him. It was professional and minimal. And as I left we looked at one another and I smiled and waved goodbye as I would have to any other co-worker. But I got in my car and I drove home and I ran into my bathroom and I sat on the floor and I cried. And I spent the rest of the night fighting the urge to text him and tell him I miss him and how much my heart is breaking. I spent the rest of the night wiping away tears that just welled up.

I didnít text him. Iím proud of myself. But Iím still hurting so much. I havenít given myself a time slot to stop my wallowing. Itís still so early. So fresh. So all I do it walk through the days hoping Iíll make it.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 2:36 PM   #66
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Good job!

You did great; I don't think I could still see the guy after it ended. You are obviously a strong person.
AND, you got past the urge to text him! Another hurdle cleared. Next time, just resist and it will pass as well.
Think of each of those times as money in your emotional bank. You are getting stronger, little by little, every day. (Even if you don't feel like it.)
You are right, it's still early. Just keep doing the next "right" thing for you.
Hang in there. You're doing great.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 3:02 PM   #67
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I havenít read all the replies or responses on this thread but Iíll say this ó you ask does the pain ever go away after things end. What about the pain while youíre in that situation? I seem to remember a great deal of pain and Iím thrilled to be away from it.

And to answer your question, yes the pain does go away. This person isnít the one for you and youíre wasting precious years on an imaginary relationship. And heíll let you do that for as long as youíre willing to do it.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 9:21 PM   #68
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I havenít read all the replies or responses on this thread but Iíll say this ó you ask does the pain ever go away after things end. What about the pain while youíre in that situation? I seem to remember a great deal of pain and Iím thrilled to be away from it.

And to answer your question, yes the pain does go away. This person isnít the one for you and youíre wasting precious years on an imaginary relationship. And heíll let you do that for as long as youíre willing to do it.
Yes the pain while in the affair was overwhelming. The never knowing when. At least now I know. Now Iím here. Iíve got my whole world crashing down on me in several different aspects of my life but this one part of him and I had got me so down.
Today will be difficult. I go in to work in 30 min and I will work alongside him for 12 hours. 12 hours of faking it.
Someone said Iím strong. But Iím not. Iím not strong. If you could see me right here right now sitting on the bathroom floor just wanting to be sucked up by the earth so I donít have to face this day.
I am watching myself and listening to myself sound so pathetically sad. And I hate it.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 10:18 PM   #69
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You can do it GH. It will be hard but you ARE strong. Being strong doesnít mean not caring and not being upset. Being strong is feeling all of those feelings and living through them. You will get through those 12 hours of pretending - and giving yourself some feelings of power by not engaging with MM more than necessary and not pretending to be his friend. Then maybe you will go home and back to that bathroom floor and cry. Iíve cried hours of tears on my bathroom floor and in various other places. Release it and feel it and let it all out. And then you can post here because we feel your pain and have your back.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 12:21 AM   #70
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Yes the pain while in the affair was overwhelming. The never knowing when. At least now I know. Now I’m here. I’ve got my whole world crashing down on me in several different aspects of my life but this one part of him and I had got me so down.
Today will be difficult. I go in to work in 30 min and I will work alongside him for 12 hours. 12 hours of faking it.
Someone said I’m strong. But I’m not. I’m not strong. If you could see me right here right now sitting on the bathroom floor just wanting to be sucked up by the earth so I don’t have to face this day.
I am watching myself and listening to myself sound so pathetically sad. And I hate it.
I hope you'll keep this one thing in mind: healthy love does NOT make you feel this way.

And, yes, you are strong. Most strong people don't realize that fact. Years and years ago, I lost someone that I loved like he was a part of my soul. I honestly thought I'd die. It took more than 2 yrs to get past the pain. But what I told myself was that if I could get past it, I could get past anything from that point on. And you know what? I was right. That was about 25 yrs ago and nothing since has tested me in the way the pain of that situation did. I move past things much faster. I still think about him on occasion but it's not with longing or pain. I recently discovered that he's written a book, non-fiction. I have two fictions novels on Amazon. I had to grin over that and thought again about how much we were alike, such kindred spirits. It's just a thought and reminds me of the connection we had on many levels. But I'm not sad anymore and don't feel that my life is any less. And any time I've been faced with trials, I think back to that time and know that I got past that and that I can get past anything.

I know you don't want to feel it, you don't want to go through it, and you don't want to look back in 25 yrs and say what I'm now saying. But you have no choice. This situation is bringing you to your knees and you must crawl until you can wobble, you must wobble until you can walk, and you must walk until you can run. And when you can run, you can be free.

Repeating: healthy love does NOT make you feel this way!

Last edited by bathtub-row; 3rd March 2018 at 12:28 AM..
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Old 3rd March 2018, 9:40 PM   #71
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Itís true. Working in the same place as MM is going to make the getting over it almost nearly impossible.
His playfulness, his concern, his smiles and attention were all a reaction to my hard working indifference. Itís as if he fed off of my indifference and played more. And I faired well In the beginning. Keeping as much distance as I could. But he weaseled his way in by telling me he canít stop talking to me. By telling me he doesnít want to be reason why I am sad and how he cares about me. By saying how he wants to be my friend. And itís all so soon and fresh and they were words to my aching heart. So I talked to him like a friend. And that song shadowboxer that eight referenced by Fiona apple Plays in the background.

I know I shouldnít be friendly back. I know he doesnít deserve it. And I know it will only make my healing process all the more difficult. I feel I have taken a million steps backward. Because I had gone so many days NC and now back in his game, his self fulfilling ego boost, Iím left feeling used and like a toy. Because now I will go through the process of getting through NC again and I will tear myself up for being so weak. And in 4 days I will work with him again and i will have to learn to play the game.
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Old 4th March 2018, 12:49 AM   #72
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The pain absolutely, positively does go away. You’re going to be just fine love, as long as you stay strong.
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Old 4th March 2018, 8:58 AM   #73
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Originally Posted by bathtub-row View Post
I hope you'll keep this one thing in mind: healthy love does NOT make you feel this way.

And, yes, you are strong. Most strong people don't realize that fact. Years and years ago, I lost someone that I loved like he was a part of my soul. I honestly thought I'd die. It took more than 2 yrs to get past the pain. But what I told myself was that if I could get past it, I could get past anything from that point on. And you know what? I was right. That was about 25 yrs ago and nothing since has tested me in the way the pain of that situation did. I move past things much faster. I still think about him on occasion but it's not with longing or pain. I recently discovered that he's written a book, non-fiction. I have two fictions novels on Amazon. I had to grin over that and thought again about how much we were alike, such kindred spirits. It's just a thought and reminds me of the connection we had on many levels. But I'm not sad anymore and don't feel that my life is any less. And any time I've been faced with trials, I think back to that time and know that I got past that and that I can get past anything.

This is lovely... kindred spirits. I don't know if the situation was an affair but I think those who write off affairs as just drugs and chemicals do a disservice. In some cases it is just drugs and chemicals. In some cases, an affair can be with anyone. In mine (and others), it could only have been with this one. There truly was a connection. So many similarities, and an almost inherent understanding of each other. But a connection doesn't mean anything when there's a tight little legal binding around his ring finger.

Congratulations on your novels!! And maybe another point for those of us still struggling to climb out of the limbo - would they be out there if you'd wasted the last 25 years pining over a relationship? What are we all giving up by spending so much headspace on a relationship to nowhere?

I like the writing comment so much - myself and MM are both writers. In fact, the first thing that attracted me to him ages ago were his beautifully crafted emails. Men with a way with words... mmm. But writing is something I haven't done much of in the last year and a half since this all started.
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Old 4th March 2018, 9:29 AM   #74
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Grasshopper, I think it's fine if you're nice to him. Though I think Jah's gray rock technique works even better. The biggest change has to happen internal. I no longer make myself available - in fact I make myself unavailable. Because I truly am busy, and things I used to rearrange for him I will not do anymore. I remind myself that I don't "fit into his life" in a variety of ways. And I took of the rose-tinted glasses.

Also, I try to see him very negatively. Which I don't like to do - generally I try to see the best in people. So now I think "hm why did he ask if my project would be covered by the hot young intern who isn't remotely related to it while I was out? So he would have a reason to chase her too?" Knowing that he has a history of chasing coworkers (and this one was stupid enough to fall for it, even with that knowledge) makes it pretty easy to view his behavior in a less than favorable light.

Knowing I've caught him in stretches of the truth, knowing I know more than he thinks about certain situations helps. It's helped me create a sort of distance between us. It's less and less. I've also found a job to apply for. It's my company, and would be a stretch goal for me, but he would have literally no excuse to contact me in a day, and that familiarity from sharing daily work would be gone.

Seeing his behavior as bad, bad, bad helps me. My thought pattern shift - Ah, here you are, sniffing around for sex again. Oh you want to talk to me? So glad you can fit 20 minutes twice a week in for us to spend together - so romantic, let's do that sex thing now! Oh you only have the next hour available to talk and you were really hoping we could chat? Shucks I'm booked! And I'm sure your wife is told she only has an hour to be graced by your presence, and is told a timeline to fit into in your life. (Okay I don't say the second part but I do make myself unavailable )

And it's still beyond me why it's so important to these guys to maintain an image of a "nice guy." I had theorized he'd done this before with another coworker - and he had told me he'd slept with one other person since he'd been married. But when I pressed him about who he'd been out of the country with on work he got all sarcastic about it and listed off people old enough to be his mother. Except... that isn't true. Left out one little name of a person closer to his age which was the one I'd theorized he'd done this with before. They'd been on trips involving hotels a couple of times. There's like, photo evidence. That was the nail in the coffin for me. So silly - expecting honesty in a dishonest situation.

Some of the things he does are better than that, kinder than that. But it doesn't matter - still married! So I have to chose to view him as the bad guy because that's how I move on. Someday I hope this will be a sort of indifference, but this is the best I have right now.

Good luck grasshopper.
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Old 4th March 2018, 10:26 AM   #75
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BourneWicked. I am trying this today. To think of him negatively. Because for some reason I have this feeling like the loss of him is me missing out on something/someone really great. When I know deep down heís not. Not much unlike myself though. I am in his company. But someone said in an earlier reply on my thread that now i need to choose what type of person I want to become. And I donít want to be the cheater anymore or the liar. I want to be a better person. One who makes decisions with a purpose. One with empathy. One with honesty. Because I came to hate who I became as the MOW.

So I am practicing seeing the negative in him. Itís a lot of thought redirecting and itís difficult. Because I fall into remembering things he said and ways he made me feel and i miss it.
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