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Question for those who got out of the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 25th February 2018, 11:29 PM   #46
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Day 1

Today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I always knew it would be hard but this is taking my breath away. My eyes well up. My happiness is drained out of me. All while wearing a smile for my family. But inside Iím drowning.
I know Iíll have to pick myself up. I canít go on like this forever. But the day has been long.
I hate to be the sad sappy story on here. But I have no one to tell my awful secret to. And even then no one ever feels sorry for the cheater.

I feel like Iíll be missing something but I know I wonít. Heís not a good husband. Heís not a good dad. I would hate to be married to him. I think to myself here I am crying over a married man who dumped me. At least I know who the real man is -a no good liar, cheater, narcissist. His poor wife, sheís being deceived and lied to by a man she doesnít know. By a man that leaves the house and tells her he loves her and goes and has affairs.

And now I must look within myself. I am the liar and the cheater. I deserve this pain. At least before I had company. Now Iím alone.

I hope to get out of this feeling sorry for myself rut
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Old 26th February 2018, 2:10 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by grass-hopper View Post
Today has been an exceptionally hard day for me. I always knew it would be hard but this is taking my breath away. My eyes well up. My happiness is drained out of me. All while wearing a smile for my family. But inside Iím drowning.
I know Iíll have to pick myself up. I canít go on like this forever. But the day has been long.
I hate to be the sad sappy story on here. But I have no one to tell my awful secret to. And even then no one ever feels sorry for the cheater.

I feel like Iíll be missing something but I know I wonít. Heís not a good husband. Heís not a good dad. I would hate to be married to him. I think to myself here I am crying over a married man who dumped me. At least I know who the real man is -a no good liar, cheater, narcissist. His poor wife, sheís being deceived and lied to by a man she doesnít know. By a man that leaves the house and tells her he loves her and goes and has affairs.


And now I must look within myself. I am the liar and the cheater. I deserve this pain. At least before I had company. Now Iím alone.

I hope to get out of this feeling sorry for myself rut
YOu have just said it yourself Grasshopper... you looked for company with in the wrong place, just as I did.
Stop beating yourself up, and don't do that again.

Poppy.
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Old 26th February 2018, 1:42 PM   #48
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Grasshopper, all you can do right now is get through it. You can't walk around the pain, you just have to walk through it. It sucks big time and is a consequence of our actions.

You are all over the place right now. But now you have the opportunity to put your pieces back together in a healthier, stronger way. Think about the kind of person you want to be after this, and take baby steps toward that goal.

And please, please don't fall down into that rabbit hole of "I'm a liar and cheater and will always be a bad person." I know it is easy to get caught up in that mindset. Yes, you made some epically bad choices, so did I. But how are you going to go from there? When I was at my rock bottom I thought, do I want to continue to be someone who lies and cheats and hurts people? Or do I want to be someone different than that? I wanted different for myself. So I slowly moved forward with that goal in mind.

Journal, take walks, look for things in your life to be thankful for, take it one hour at a time. Hugs to you.
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Old 26th February 2018, 6:54 PM   #49
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GH,

If there is any solace, take solace in this: Day 1 is done. You donít have to do Day 1 ever again. On to Day 2. It may suck as well but when itís done, you never have to do Day 2 again.

There is a book by Mira Kirshanbaum (sic?) called, ď The Gift of a Year.Ē When I was at my absolute lowest - I had not slept more than two hours at a time for over six months - I read this book. My job was so pressure-filled that I literally thought I would shatter into a million pieces everyday. This book helped me to heal. Itís about taking time for a full year for yourself to explore whatever it will take to make you happy. I chose a Friday night bubble bath and greasy takeout food. And you know what? No matter how bad the week got, I knew that between 6-10 pm on Friday, I had time for myself with no one else to just be me. I didnít make it the full year, sadly enough, but it was amazing how well I healed. (I didnít end up needing it for a year - but I am wistful for greasy food and bubble baths again.)

Hugs, GG
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Old 27th February 2018, 8:35 AM   #50
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Day 2

I wallowed. Iím walking through the pain.

And just as whatcomesnext said.. Iím questioning my values. What was real. Im angry at myself. I feel sorry for myself. But mostly Iím angry. And hurt. And wondering how someone could be so cruel.

But I too am cruel. I was selfish. I have done damage to unsuspecting people as he has done damage to me. So guilt is weighing heavily on me. And I know I am deserving.

I am at work tonight. And areas remind me of him. And I have to stop sometimes and gather myself. Iíll have to work with him in 4 days. A full 12 hour shift. It will be brutal.
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Old 27th February 2018, 11:28 AM   #51
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GH please donít think you deserve it. Nobody deserves it. I donít care whether you are the cheater or cheated, nobody deserves to be treated like they are disposable. The worst person in the equation is the person who does the disposing. He is a cheater as well, but is not sitting around thinking he deserves to be hurt. Youíve made mistakes, yes. And youíve taken actions that caused hurt, but you actually have feelings about that. And you had true feelings for MM. That means you are human. You have empathy. You will face it. Youíre not running away from it. A truly bad person wouldnít be able to feel guilt, hurt, empathy or care about the after effects of what they are doing. You donít deserve it. The only person I deserve to receive hurtful or negative actions from as a result of this is my H, not MM. Ironically my H has been nothing but kind to me while MM ultimately did nothing but hurt and destroy me. I made a bad choice, emotionally invested in the wrong person, but I didnít deserve to be destroyed by MM. Neither did you.
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Old 27th February 2018, 9:01 PM   #52
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GH please donít think you deserve it. Nobody deserves it. I donít care whether you are the cheater or cheated, nobody deserves to be treated like they are disposable. The worst person in the equation is the person who does the disposing. He is a cheater as well, but is not sitting around thinking he deserves to be hurt. Youíve made mistakes, yes. And youíve taken actions that caused hurt, but you actually have feelings about that. And you had true feelings for MM. That means you are human. You have empathy. You will face it. Youíre not running away from it. A truly bad person wouldnít be able to feel guilt, hurt, empathy or care about the after effects of what they are doing. You donít deserve it. The only person I deserve to receive hurtful or negative actions from as a result of this is my H, not MM. Ironically my H has been nothing but kind to me while MM ultimately did nothing but hurt and destroy me. I made a bad choice, emotionally invested in the wrong person, but I didnít deserve to be destroyed by MM. Neither did you.

I totally agree with WCN. I'm a cheater too, and I know I've made mistakes. but I own them. We are all human, you are not a bad person because you had feelings for someone. WCN is right, a bad person wouldn't feel the guilt or hurt that you feel. I believe your MM was a narcissist like mine. This is what they do, they use people and discard them like appliances. I always wondered "Why me?" Am I weak or something? Did I look like a victim to him? I had low self-esteem at the time, and I'm sure he picked up on it. I think once you start feeling better about yourself you will be able to move on. Someone posted a blog called "Post male syndrome" and a lot of the advice really resonated. This one in particular in my case was helpful:

https://postmalesyndrome.com/how-to-...you-have-none/

I never got "closure" with my MM. We didn't have a long talk. He sent me a text and said "with work and home life he couldn't put a tremendous amount into our relationship." We did meet for coffee once after that but never talked about it. I kept thinking if I had the closure I could move on.

This was particularly helpful:

"if you find yourself in a situation where the other person treated you with a consistent lack of respect, honesty, kindness, loyalty and love, DO NOT try to get closure from them. You will just end up being made to look and feel crazy. Remember Ė you donít need closure from anyone. You want it. You CAN provide it for yourself without having to engage with the very people who have hurt and disrespected you."

She also says

"This is why they teach us in Kindergarten that actions speak louder than words Ė LISTEN to the actions of others and youíll have all the closure that you need (while remaining on your white horse)."

I am going to create my own closure by not engaging. All along I was soooo worried about what he thought about me. Well, what about what I think about him?! He cheated on his PREGNANT wife and then when she was home with a two-month-old and a toddler. This is not a good person. Yes, I cheated too, so I really can't throw stones. But I don't want to be the kind of woman who does that. (I mean, it's too late to take it back, obviously, but I can stop now).

I have gone through the range of emotions, sadness, hurt, depression, anger, hatred. I think it's a lot like the grieving process..going through stages. denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance

(I am not sure what the bargaining one is about, but I have definitely felt the other three and am inching toward acceptance.)

I think I am kind of rambling now, but maybe some of this will resonate with you.


Keep posting until you reach day 100! Or maybe you won't even need to go it that long. Just remember, nothing is forever, even this pain, even though it feels like it might be.
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Old 27th February 2018, 9:56 PM   #53
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I wallowed. Iím walking through the pain.

And just as whatcomesnext said.. Iím questioning my values. What was real. Im angry at myself. I feel sorry for myself. But mostly Iím angry. And hurt. And wondering how someone could be so cruel.

But I too am cruel. I was selfish. I have done damage to unsuspecting people as he has done damage to me. So guilt is weighing heavily on me. And I know I am deserving.

I am at work tonight. And areas remind me of him. And I have to stop sometimes and gather myself. Iíll have to work with him in 4 days. A full 12 hour shift. It will be brutal.
Yesterday's positivity is gone. I felt pretty depressed today, angry , resentful, lonely, lost.. I'm glad today is almost over. Pretty sad when you watch the clock waiting for bed time because I would rather be asleep than feel . I even had lunch with him today but it feels different for.me. I know it's over and i know hes leaving soon. I feel abandoned . What was I thinking, it was all an illusion. A fantasy. Normally at this time on a Tuesday night, we would be cooking dinner. Getting ready to watch a movie. Here I am alone. With his ghost everywhere in this apartment.. I guess I am getting what I deserve.
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Old 28th February 2018, 7:15 PM   #54
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Today has been exceptionally hard. I had a job interview elsewhere because Iím trying to get away. But going to that facility only reminded me of him. Because he used to work there and we spent so many days while he was there texting for up to 16 hrs at a time. So I saw where heíd been posted and I saw the trucks heíd been in and i thought about us. That is the problem as well. In our field, I will always see him unless I leave the specialty area that I have come to love. Unless I leave the city. And that is not an option.
My sleep was so broken. Waking up every hour and my thoughts immediately go to him. I think I may have even dreamt of him. And now I lie here awake and I feel desperate. I feel like I want to contact him and tell him I miss him. But I wonít. Because it wonít be reciprocated. Because Iíll end up feeling worse. And I canít imagine feeling any worse than I do right now.
Everything has changed in my life. The woman I look at in the mirror, I hate her. Iím ashamed to look myself. To know that I was a complete fool. And that woman Iím looking at is probably the woman he saw and used and then spit out like trash.
Last night while at work, just in general conversation about life with a co-worker. He talked to me about how to live life to the fullest and never care what others think about you. He talked to me about taking the good with the bad and understanding that in life we make choices with what has been given to us and many times we will not make the best choice because we are human. But if overall we are good people who have remorse, then we should accept those things and learn and never beat ourselves down. Get up and keep going he said.
This co-worker knows nothing about choices Iíve made. He knows nothing about my situation. We were just having a general life discussion to pass the time. I felt good at that moment. I felt like I was being given a sign that I was going to be ok. I felt like some force was telling me that it was ok. To forgive myself. But that quickly went away in my quiet company while I have been alone today.
I expect it to go this way. A roller coaster of feelings and emotions.
I want to be mad at him. But all I can do right now is miss him. I used to look at my phone and Iíd see his message waiting and Iíd be overjoyed. I knew when heíd text. Today is a day that I know he would be texting me in 3 hours. And I know I wonít get that message. It will be extremely hard to get through the night.
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Old 28th February 2018, 7:40 PM   #55
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I would say 6 months ... work on you. Understand you

were used, as many are in these situations. Understand you will feel rage, anger at yourself, but there are so many people out there that just want instant gratification, with no real regard for what you need and want. Accept it as it is, and move along with what makes you happy. It will come in waves, the loss of the connection, the loss of something that was probably a fantasy. I have learned to understand myself, how I was led into it, and how I was strong enough to say I deserve more. Stay NC, don't resort to vitriol and anger .. it was what it was. It served a purpose at that time in your life, until it didn't.
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Old 28th February 2018, 10:01 PM   #56
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Today has been exceptionally hard. I had a job interview elsewhere because I’m trying to get away. But going to that facility only reminded me of him. Because he used to work there and we spent so many days while he was there texting for up to 16 hrs at a time. So I saw where he’d been posted and I saw the trucks he’d been in and i thought about us. That is the problem as well. In our field, I will always see him unless I leave the specialty area that I have come to love. Unless I leave the city. And that is not an option.
My sleep was so broken. Waking up every hour and my thoughts immediately go to him. I think I may have even dreamt of him. And now I lie here awake and I feel desperate. I feel like I want to contact him and tell him I miss him. But I won’t. Because it won’t be reciprocated. Because I’ll end up feeling worse. And I can’t imagine feeling any worse than I do right now.
Everything has changed in my life. The woman I look at in the mirror, I hate her. I’m ashamed to look myself. To know that I was a complete fool. And that woman I’m looking at is probably the woman he saw and used and then spit out like trash.
Last night while at work, just in general conversation about life with a co-worker. He talked to me about how to live life to the fullest and never care what others think about you. He talked to me about taking the good with the bad and understanding that in life we make choices with what has been given to us and many times we will not make the best choice because we are human. But if overall we are good people who have remorse, then we should accept those things and learn and never beat ourselves down. Get up and keep going he said.
This co-worker knows nothing about choices I’ve made. He knows nothing about my situation. We were just having a general life discussion to pass the time. I felt good at that moment. I felt like I was being given a sign that I was going to be ok. I felt like some force was telling me that it was ok. To forgive myself. But that quickly went away in my quiet company while I have been alone today.
I expect it to go this way. A roller coaster of feelings and emotions.
I want to be mad at him. But all I can do right now is miss him. I used to look at my phone and I’d see his message waiting and I’d be overjoyed. I knew when he’d text. Today is a day that I know he would be texting me in 3 hours. And I know I won’t get that message. It will be extremely hard to get through the night.
I'm sorry grass hopper, I feel your pain. I run constantly these past days to avoid my apartment.and at work is really bad too because I met him at work and we have worked together for 4 and a half years. When he's gone I know I can't bare to be in that place anymore. It will be so sad. I am still in contact with him but it's sad because we know he will be gone soon. And when that happens it will hit me like a train. I know I am still in denial a little bit. I don't want to believe what I know is true. I dont want to feel it right now. Or ever. But we will survive this grass hopper . We will. And I hope we have nothing but happiness to come. He told me today he is beginning the process of selling his house.
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Old 1st March 2018, 12:29 AM   #57
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I feel so anxious right now. I canít keep my composure. My heart keeps wanting to send a message. My brain keeps telling me Iíll only walk into more heartbreak. I suppose this is the addicted part. I am in complete withdrawal. Knowing that a day like today he would have text me. And knowing that he hasnít is killing me. Did I have a small hope heíd text? Is that small hope crushed because he hasnít? Did I think maybe he missed me a little that heíd reach out? Is the realization validation that he never did care?

I write here to avoid texting him. I want to crawl into a hole and never come out. Iím in a horrible place tonight. Why canít i just man up and take responsibility for my mistake and get over this?
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Old 1st March 2018, 8:23 AM   #58
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GH what you are feeling is totally normal. It is withdrawal. My EA was extremely text heavy. We would text for hours a day. When it stopped my whole life felt like torture. I had this insatiable itch to look at my phone, reach out, DO something because I felt so powerless and wanted my fix. I also missed him and felt very abandoned and alone. I feared abandonment the whole time and my worst fears (or maybe my gut instincts that I repeatedly ignored?) were realized. Everybody is different in terms of how long you will feel that drive to contact him. For me the feeling lasted a very long time. I donít say that to scare you, but to prepare you. I guess I need to cut myself some slack on how long itís taken me because I still have to see him from time to time. I went 4 months fighting the urge to reach out and then I broke. An excuse to contact him presented itself and I took it because I just wanted to feel better. I hoped it would change what happened - but of course it couldnít. He responded to what I told him and that was it. The relief I felt in less than 24 hours turned to humiliation and even worse depression. Then guess what? I stupidly broke again a month later and went to see him at work in addition to sending a text. I still regret it all. It changed nothing. Delayed my recovery and any ability to focus on my M. Now, on top of everything else, I have to live with the knowledge that I showed myself such little respect that I tried to reengage with someone who showed me zero care and respect. He didnít deserve my efforts. Have you seen the show Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Spoiler alert if not, but I find it instructive. H leaves the W for his mistress. When he first tries to reconcile she says NO, ďbecause you left.Ē This is the reverse situation but the underlying lesson is the same. Any man who abandons you shows you who he really is. It should be a dealbreaker. You left so you donít get to be with me ever again. Easier said then done when your self-esteem is shot. I saw him yesterday for the first time in awhile. Seeing him is always a set back and makes me feel extremely hurt and sad, but Iím 8 months out and have no urge to contact him anymore. Keep posting here. Fight the urge. You will thank yourself later.
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Old 1st March 2018, 9:14 AM   #59
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GH what you are feeling is totally normal. It is withdrawal. My EA was extremely text heavy. We would text for hours a day. When it stopped my whole life felt like torture. I had this insatiable itch to look at my phone, reach out, DO something because I felt so powerless and wanted my fix. I also missed him and felt very abandoned and alone. I feared abandonment the whole time and my worst fears (or maybe my gut instincts that I repeatedly ignored?) were realized. Everybody is different in terms of how long you will feel that drive to contact him. For me the feeling lasted a very long time. I donít say that to scare you, but to prepare you. I guess I need to cut myself some slack on how long itís taken me because I still have to see him from time to time. I went 4 months fighting the urge to reach out and then I broke. An excuse to contact him presented itself and I took it because I just wanted to feel better. I hoped it would change what happened - but of course it couldnít. He responded to what I told him and that was it. The relief I felt in less than 24 hours turned to humiliation and even worse depression. Then guess what? I stupidly broke again a month later and went to see him at work in addition to sending a text. I still regret it all. It changed nothing. Delayed my recovery and any ability to focus on my M. Now, on top of everything else, I have to live with the knowledge that I showed myself such little respect that I tried to reengage with someone who showed me zero care and respect. He didnít deserve my efforts. Have you seen the show Marvelous Mrs. Maisel? Spoiler alert if not, but I find it instructive. H leaves the W for his mistress. When he first tries to reconcile she says NO, ďbecause you left.Ē This is the reverse situation but the underlying lesson is the same. Any man who abandons you shows you who he really is. It should be a dealbreaker. You left so you donít get to be with me ever again. Easier said then done when your self-esteem is shot. I saw him yesterday for the first time in awhile. Seeing him is always a set back and makes me feel extremely hurt and sad, but Iím 8 months out and have no urge to contact him anymore. Keep posting here. Fight the urge. You will thank yourself later.
This really good advice, WCN. I’ll be using it for myself!!! I have felt exactly the same. I went 8 weeks NC and then broke it and wound up feeling worse when he didn’t respond, and then when did his response was so perfunctory. Keep going Grasshopper. Day by day, minute by minute if you have to. We are here for you and it us (me) as much as it helps you.
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Old 1st March 2018, 10:41 AM   #60
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I didnít reach out to him.
Thanks for your replies WCN. It helps to know that Iím not the only one in this world that has ever felt so awful. And itís helpful to know that Iíll get through it and hopefully be able to provide encouraging words to someone else later down the line. Because your words are encouraging to me. Iím living through the pain like Bittersweet advised me to. Sheís right there is no going around it.
Just some moments Leave me gasping for air. Like tomorrow I will work with him. And we will be professional and talk like co-workers but inside Iíll be dying. He said he wants to be friends. And knowing me, I can pull it off. But my feelings are so intense right now that itís going to take a lot of mental effort.

But everyone thank you again for your support. I know I must seem pathetic right now.
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