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Question for those who got out of the affair


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st February 2018, 1:56 AM   #31
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It's been nearly 2 years since I ended the A. There was no D-day, and I didn't have anyone new in my life (at that time. I have since found someone wonderful.) I saw the affair as a huge barrier between myself and the life I wanted. And it started to infuriate me that he thought I was worth just these crumbs. He would say I deserved more, but his actions didn't change. So I ended it, and never looked back.

The pain is now definitely gone, partly because I wanted it to be gone. I stopped maundering over him. Started seeing him for who he really is. Started reading more and more about what the BS goes through, and I had to make a change.

Now, I am completely over it. I regret it, even though there was no discovery. It's just not who I want to be. I don't want to be some OW. I deserve more than that. And once I started to believe that, it became real.
Well said Grapes. When I did NC for the last time, I was on the brink of big changes in my life.
ExMM was already talking about being involved in the changes I was making. The thought of having him around in my new future was not pleasing me at all.

My future plans looked golden... retirement and a new apartment with a very nice income for the rest of my life. Suddenly, I saw myself being dragged down by that very selfish,extremely dangerous individual.

Of course I deserved more just as you did. I love your use or the word "maundering"... I have stopped that too. My pain has all but gone. There are still moments they pass very quickly.

My plans have half reached fruition and it feels bloody good to be enjoying it alone.

Poppy.
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Old 21st February 2018, 4:34 PM   #32
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Well said Grapes. When I did NC for the last time, I was on the brink of big changes in my life.
ExMM was already talking about being involved in the changes I was making. The thought of having him around in my new future was not pleasing me at all.

My future plans looked golden... retirement and a new apartment with a very nice income for the rest of my life. Suddenly, I saw myself being dragged down by that very selfish,extremely dangerous individual.

Of course I deserved more just as you did. I love your use or the word "maundering"... I have stopped that too. My pain has all but gone. There are still moments they pass very quickly.

My plans have half reached fruition and it feels bloody good to be enjoying it alone.

Poppy.
Thanks, Pops. So glad to hear you are doing well.

OP: It is easier said than done, but the fact remains that we choose our thoughts. Our thoughts inform our emotions. If you keep telling yourself that you love the MM who uses you and deceives his wife, then you will continue to believe that you love him and will therefore feel pain. Start telling yourself the truth: He is a liar. You can never trust him. What he offers you is not love. You are better off on your own than living a life of being someone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this.
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Old 21st February 2018, 8:21 PM   #33
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OP: It is easier said than done, but the fact remains that we choose our thoughts. Our thoughts inform our emotions. If you keep telling yourself that you love the MM who uses you and deceives his wife, then you will continue to believe that you love him and will therefore feel pain. Start telling yourself the truth: He is a liar. You can never trust him. What he offers you is not love. You are better off on your own than living a life of being someone's second choice. You deserve so much more than this.
Thank you. I needed this today... and everyday. My thoughts have been doing this lately. Even though Iím fully aware of the reality of the situation.

Everyoneís insights and replies are helpful. Thank you all for sharing your stories and grief and eventual success. I only hope to be like those of you that were able to get out of the fog and heal and become a better person through such a painful life experience.

Iím not there. It feels like Iíll never get there. But Iím taking it one step at a time.
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Old 21st February 2018, 11:05 PM   #34
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Everyoneís insights and replies are helpful. Thank you all for sharing your stories and grief and eventual success. I only hope to be like those of you that were able to get out of the fog and heal and become a better person through such a painful life experience.

Iím not there. It feels like Iíll never get there. But Iím taking it one step at a time.

I'm with you grasshopper, I'm in the same boat. Feel free to post anytime!
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Old 22nd February 2018, 12:30 PM   #35
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Scout & Grass: You will absolutely get there!! This situation is 100% within your control. You are not powerless against it. In fact, quite the opposite. It was your choices that got you into the situation, and it is your choices that will get you out.

It also helped me to put this situation into perspective: In a world full of pain, crisis, violence, and illness, my pain over being with a MM was really quite trivial. And what's worse...it was pain I brought on myself. When I saw it like that, I realized how ludicrous and selfish it was. So I had to make it stop.
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Old 22nd February 2018, 5:45 PM   #36
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Scout & Grass: You will absolutely get there!! This situation is 100% within your control. You are not powerless against it. In fact, quite the opposite. It was your choices that got you into the situation, and it is your choices that will get you out.

It also helped me to put this situation into perspective: In a world full of pain, crisis, violence, and illness, my pain over being with a MM was really quite trivial. And what's worse...it was pain I brought on myself. When I saw it like that, I realized how ludicrous and selfish it was. So I had to make it stop.
You are absolutely right about that Grapes! I try to remind myself of that. I just get bogged down sometimes. I just hate that the MM is off scot-free with no remorse or anything. Not even an apology. Oh well, I may have to keep posting and visiting here for reassurance!!!
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Old 23rd February 2018, 9:40 AM   #37
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Unexpected helping hand

I got a bit of a helping hand from MM this week. He detached. No more reaching out to me. No more inappropriate discussions. Just friendly professional conversation and distance. It threw me off my feet But as the days have passed and Iíve been left wondering. I see myself getting through the day. Not unscathed but everyday I get through it.

Iíve yet to ask him why. Does it matter why? Likely not.

It hurts tremendously to see how quickly someone can turn off their feelings. But were they ever feelings?

I shouldnít care. But I kind of do. But Iíll never ask.
What is it that happens? Why do they turn it off?

Nonetheless, itís one step closer to wherever I need to go. So his indifference is helping me get through.
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Old 24th February 2018, 2:40 AM   #38
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I knew I needed to get out. I knew all this would end badly. I just never expected him to stop replying to me.

He has gone NC on me. And my heart is broken.
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Old 24th February 2018, 10:58 AM   #39
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GH,

Do you have a close friend or a good set of girlfriends? Someone posted once about advice their mother gave them about the secret to life and it was something like this:

“Get a good set of girlfriends. Nurture those relationships. Keep them in your life. You will have good times and bad times. You will watch your parents die and your children grow. You will fall in love and you will fall out of love. Your heart will be broken into a thousand pieces. You will laugh until your belly hurts. You will be sick and you will be well. Through it all, you need girlfriends. They will be the ones always by your side. They will love you unconditionally but tell you the truth you don’t want to hear.”

As you go through this pain - pain you were dreading even though you knew it was necessary to come out the other side - reach out to your best friends in real life. Bring them back in while you mourn. They will become your rock and will walk alongside you on the path back to happiness.

I am so sorry for your hurt, but for your sake, I really do hope it’s over so you can heal. You have been in a painful kind of limbo for a long time.

Hugs, GG

Last edited by georgia girl; 24th February 2018 at 10:59 AM.. Reason: Autocorrect error
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:05 PM   #40
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I knew I needed to get out. I knew all this would end badly. I just never expected him to stop replying to me.

He has gone NC on me. And my heart is broken.
Instead of handing him all the power, take your power back. You went NC. You are in control.
You want him to leave you alone because you need to get your life back. You need to focus on your healing, your husband, your marriage.
Of course it hurts, that's to be expected, but this is the path to healing. This is the way you need to go.
Own it. Own your life. Own your choices.
He is not your problem. His life, his issues; those are not your concern.
You are free to move on with your life. Choose to do so. Don't stay stuck.
One day at a time; string them together. It does get easier. It will get easier for you, too.
Get mad, cry, throw something, whatever. Feel your feelings. They will come and they will go. Then move on.
Just keep going.
Make 2018 your year to reclaim your value.
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Old 25th February 2018, 12:22 AM   #41
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Instead of handing him all the power, take your power back. You went NC. You are in control.
You want him to leave you alone because you need to get your life back. You need to focus on your healing, your husband, your marriage.
Of course it hurts, that's to be expected, but this is the path to healing. This is the way you need to go.
Own it. Own your life. Own your choices.
He is not your problem. His life, his issues; those are not your concern.
You are free to move on with your life. Choose to do so. Don't stay stuck.
One day at a time; string them together. It does get easier. It will get easier for you, too.
Get mad, cry, throw something, whatever. Feel your feelings. They will come and they will go. Then move on.
Just keep going.
Make 2018 your year to reclaim your value.
This is right. Last night I had a moment of weakness. It will be the only one I allow. Well maybe not. But Iíll try.
Thank you for your post. He is not my problem. Iíll let his wife deal with who he is. For me? Iíll figure out who I am.

He did contact me. Iíve yet to open. Like always he will text and text if I donít respond promptly and eventually heíll get upset and try to turn it on me. Except this time I wonít be manipulated by him getting mad at me.

Thank you for your replies.
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Old 25th February 2018, 5:52 AM   #42
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Well I opened the message. Weak. He said he had to talk to me. So I met up with him. Weak. And itís over now. No long drawn out goodbye. No tears. Just him needing to step away because of problems he is having at home. And me saying ok. No anger. No begging him to love me. Just an ok. And a see ya.

Iím sad. But Iím also relieved. Because now my healing starts. Iím sure Iíll live through a roller coaster of emotions in the upcoming days. Bare with me.

Someone posted up a replies that I should contact friends for support. Not a soul knows. So Iíll likely resort to posting here.
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Old 25th February 2018, 6:26 AM   #43
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I'm sorry for your pain. You must be feeling terrible.
The thing that worries me is, what happens when things calm down at home and he feels like starting things up again with you?
Are you ready to be done with this affair?
He has now put you in time out, because it suits his needs.
I hope you will regard this as game over and go full NC, blocking and deleting, so that you won't be drawn back in when he feels like it.
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Old 25th February 2018, 11:54 AM   #44
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I'm sorry for your pain. You must be feeling terrible.
The thing that worries me is, what happens when things calm down at home and he feels like starting things up again with you?
Are you ready to be done with this affair?
He has now put you in time out, because it suits his needs.
I hope you will regard this as game over and go full NC, blocking and deleting, so that you won't be drawn back in when he feels like it.
Yes Iím sad. Angry. Confused. I feel betrayed and abandoned. I feel used.

He wonít come back. His words were final.

I just have to figure out how I start this day. And how to put that first foot forward. Because I donít even want to roll out of bed and face the long hard truths that Iíve been avoiding for months.
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Old 25th February 2018, 2:23 PM   #45
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Are you ready to be done with this affair?
He has now put you in time out, because it suits his needs.
I got time outs a lot, he always came back. Maybe a day, maybe 2 weeks. It was always a "final" too. Strengthen yourself should he return so you can say no. If he is unhappy at home, he will come back when he's ready. You be ready.
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