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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 11th February 2018, 4:46 PM   #16
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The healthiest act you can do for yourself is to lock the gate on MM and never ever let him back into your life - no matter what hurdles he jumps to come back to you. I was in your shoes. I was healing mentally when xMM left his wife and showed up at my door (literally). Allowing him back into my life was a huge mistake. Initially, he did absolutely everything necessary to assure me that he loved me (I mean, he did pick me over his wife!). We were together for six years. I wish I had those years back as I completely lost my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I was so naive.

I think xMM used me to separate from his wife. He didn't want to be alone. I provided a home for him and was able to meet him on the same financial level. XMM repeatedly cheated on me. After six years of walking on eggshells and being treated with no respect, I gave up on the relationship. I just didn't care anymore. I never spoke to him about my feelings or my thoughts because he twisted my words and a fight would ensue. I started to withdraw but did not have the ability to end the relationship.

On a Sunday night, about 2 1/2 years ago, xMM said the absolute worst things to me and my children. I told him to leave. I discovered a few days later that he was seeing a MW. XMM sent me flowers and said he wanted to work things out. Meanwhile he was screwing the MW. MW called me at work. It was an awful time.

Within 2 months, MW had left her husband and moved in with xMM and they were engaged. Within 6 months, they bought a home together. As of today, they are still engaged and still together. While it hurt initially that I was cheated on again, xMM love bombing MW and MW falling for xMM ended up being my salvation.

Again, close the gate on your xMM and don't let him back in your life ever again.

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Old 11th February 2018, 11:42 PM   #17
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Hi, CH! I'm sorry for your loss incurred during your experience--loss of time, energy, love, money, self-esteem during the ordeal, etc. Thank you very much for sharing your story. It is so valuable to hear from people like you who give a picture of a very possible outcome looking into the future. Those of us most wise will learn and benefit from your experience rather than having to repeat it ourselves. I believe you have done a great service in sharing your story on my thread. I'm certain you have saved more than one person from experiencing what you went through.

In that vein, I personally have considered what you've said as a possible outcome for myself if I were to ever reopen the door to my xMM. I have thought about how he used me as a crutch during his marriage-when things got rough for him and BS, he'd suck on my energy to boost him up. When things were not so rough between them, he'd put me on the shelf. Horrible. Similarly, I have had wary thoughts of him coming back to try to use me as a rebound should his marriage ever disintegrate. I would be his most convenient choice after all (unless he has a more willing OW in the background--who could be sure besides him?)

In speaking to that in my OP (this thread) I wrote that I know the ugly he is capable of and I would have to see with certainty he has truly grown into a better person (and believe it's unlikely he would because it takes a truly self-aware, courageous, non-egotistical person to do so--opposites of him). However, I can see how any contact would have the danger to stir emotions and hormones before I would properly test him over required time for consistency. That is a real danger! Fortunately, as more time passes, I see him only for his dark qualities and believe that I must have only imagined the positive ones--not sure they were ever there to begin with.

Thanks again for your awesome contribution!

Edited to add: I want to add that my xMM never had to guts to intiate contact more than once in a row. Plus, he always seemed to prefer I reach out first after periods of silence (no doubt because it made him feel more in control). To me that means it is unlikely I will hear from him for a very long time, if ever. I think he would try to hold his marriage together with all his might because he would not want to face the financial fall out of a divorce. Sometimes I think the only way that they would divorce is if one of them repeatedly threatened to kill the other (maybe not even then)--I think they are both pretty comfy with their financial set up and neither wants to give that up. So, this is to say that I believe by the time xMM would contact me, if ever, I will be well into a happily committed relationship with someone else. If that were the case, I wouldn't let anything mess with it, least of all a disaster like xMM.

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Old 12th February 2018, 1:11 PM   #18
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The healthiest act you can do for yourself is to lock the gate on MM and never ever let him back into your life - no matter what hurdles he jumps to come back to you. I was in your shoes. I was healing mentally when xMM left his wife and showed up at my door (literally). Allowing him back into my life was a huge mistake. Initially, he did absolutely everything necessary to assure me that he loved me (I mean, he did pick me over his wife!). We were together for six years. I wish I had those years back as I completely lost my sense of self-worth and self-esteem. I was so naive.

I think xMM used me to separate from his wife. He didn't want to be alone. I provided a home for him and was able to meet him on the same financial level. XMM repeatedly cheated on me. After six years of walking on eggshells and being treated with no respect, I gave up on the relationship. I just didn't care anymore. I never spoke to him about my feelings or my thoughts because he twisted my words and a fight would ensue. I started to withdraw but did not have the ability to end the relationship.

On a Sunday night, about 2 1/2 years ago, xMM said the absolute worst things to me and my children. I told him to leave. I discovered a few days later that he was seeing a MW. XMM sent me flowers and said he wanted to work things out. Meanwhile he was screwing the MW. MW called me at work. It was an awful time.

Within 2 months, MW had left her husband and moved in with xMM and they were engaged. Within 6 months, they bought a home together. As of today, they are still engaged and still together. While it hurt initially that I was cheated on again, xMM love bombing MW and MW falling for xMM ended up being my salvation.

Again, close the gate on your xMM and don't let him back in your life ever again.

Thanks CH, I needed this today. I’m sorry you went through this, but your words and story are helpful to me!
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Old 12th February 2018, 4:02 PM   #19
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Hi, CH! I'm sorry for your loss incurred during your experience--loss of time, energy, love, money, self-esteem during the ordeal, etc. Thank you very much for sharing your story. It is so valuable to hear from people like you who give a picture of a very possible outcome looking into the future. Those of us most wise will learn and benefit from your experience rather than having to repeat it ourselves. I believe you have done a great service in sharing your story on my thread. I'm certain you have saved more than one person from experiencing what you went through.

In that vein, I personally have considered what you've said as a possible outcome for myself if I were to ever reopen the door to my xMM. I have thought about how he used me as a crutch during his marriage-when things got rough for him and BS, he'd suck on my energy to boost him up. When things were not so rough between them, he'd put me on the shelf. Horrible. Similarly, I have had wary thoughts of him coming back to try to use me as a rebound should his marriage ever disintegrate. I would be his most convenient choice after all (unless he has a more willing OW in the background--who could be sure besides him?)

In speaking to that in my OP (this thread) I wrote that I know the ugly he is capable of and I would have to see with certainty he has truly grown into a better person (and believe it's unlikely he would because it takes a truly self-aware, courageous, non-egotistical person to do so--opposites of him). However, I can see how any contact would have the danger to stir emotions and hormones before I would properly test him over required time for consistency. That is a real danger! Fortunately, as more time passes, I see him only for his dark qualities and believe that I must have only imagined the positive ones--not sure they were ever there to begin with.

Thanks again for your awesome contribution!

Edited to add: I want to add that my xMM never had to guts to intiate contact more than once in a row. Plus, he always seemed to prefer I reach out first after periods of silence (no doubt because it made him feel more in control). To me that means it is unlikely I will hear from him for a very long time, if ever. I think he would try to hold his marriage together with all his might because he would not want to face the financial fall out of a divorce. Sometimes I think the only way that they would divorce is if one of them repeatedly threatened to kill the other (maybe not even then)--I think they are both pretty comfy with their financial set up and neither wants to give that up. So, this is to say that I believe by the time xMM would contact me, if ever, I will be well into a happily committed relationship with someone else. If that were the case, I wouldn't let anything mess with it, least of all a disaster like xMM.
Good Morning,

I have been NC a long time.
xMM always maintained that if he were ever free he would be on my doorstep with in an hour.

The only time, ever, he would be free is if his wife were to pass on. That is pretty creepy.

If he ever turned up, I know that I would have the security man remove him from my place of residence.

Time and distance have certainly changed my perception of him. He is possibly narcissistic, maybe just the most selfish person , not sure. I never want to see him or speak to him again. The fog has well and truly lifted.

I hope you will feel the same one day. I feel at the moment you are kind undecided as to how you would react if he came back.
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Old 12th February 2018, 7:00 PM   #20
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Good Morning,

I have been NC a long time.
xMM always maintained that if he were ever free he would be on my doorstep with in an hour.

The only time, ever, he would be free is if his wife were to pass on. That is pretty creepy.


If he ever turned up, I know that I would have the security man remove him from my place of residence.

Time and distance have certainly changed my perception of him. He is possibly narcissistic, maybe just the most selfish person , not sure. I never want to see him or speak to him again. The fog has well and truly lifted.

I hope you will feel the same one day. I feel at the moment you are kind undecided as to how you would react if he came back.
That' a bizarre thing for him to say. Even more bizarre is that he would think you could possibly find that flattering and endearing. He sounds like he has a very strange way of viewing the world.
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Old 12th February 2018, 7:25 PM   #21
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This is a great post, OP. Thank you for sharing your story and for offering your insight to those/us out here in LS trying to make sense of our place in this and aimlessly trying to escape our own hell that we willingly walked into. Reading your story offers encouragement and hope.
I don’t agree that others, instead of applauding your success in ending the affair and being able to find peace within yourself, that they are finding negatives in your post and ways to discourage how far you have come.
After all this is “support and discussion” where people come to share their story. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand and tell me that it’s not my fault. Obviously I know my story and I feel my guilt. It seems as though some people project their own insecurities and unresolved issues in blaming and bashing others for bad decisions they’ve made. We’re all here to gain insight and improve ourselves through bad decisions we’ve made. How is it that people feel the need to add more negatives to someone who is bearing their souls and their shameful secrets while trying to get through a bad situation. It almost feels counter productive.
Thanks for your post. You offered great insight.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own” -Paulo Coelho
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Old 12th February 2018, 8:12 PM   #22
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This is a great post, OP. Thank you for sharing your story and for offering your insight to those/us out here in LS trying to make sense of our place in this and aimlessly trying to escape our own hell that we willingly walked into. Reading your story offers encouragement and hope.
I don’t agree that others, instead of applauding your success in ending the affair and being able to find peace within yourself, that they are finding negatives in your post and ways to discourage how far you have come.
After all this is “support and discussion” where people come to share their story. I don’t need anyone to hold my hand and tell me that it’s not my fault. Obviously I know my story and I feel my guilt. It seems as though some people project their own insecurities and unresolved issues in blaming and bashing others for bad decisions they’ve made. We’re all here to gain insight and improve ourselves through bad decisions we’ve made. How is it that people feel the need to add more negatives to someone who is bearing their souls and their shameful secrets while trying to get through a bad situation. It almost feels counter productive.
Thanks for your post. You offered great insight.

“Everyone seems to have a clear idea of how other people should lead their lives, but none about his or her own” -Paulo Coelho
When you climb a mountain you get a good idea of the dangers that lay ahead for those at the base. In conversation with the novice they seem to have a good plan but not the right plan for that mountain. Pointing this out isn't an attempt to discourage.

OP has made great progress, yet, she is clearly not there. Too much energy still spent on MM marriage dynamic, still considering a possible relationship if he jumps through her hoops.

It's why a said this is more of a fake it til you make it. She is simply still emotionally vested. Thus the anger towards the BW, that manifests as what she called "telling the truth about her" what truth could she possibly know that didn't come second hand?

She is moving in the right direction, but truth is, if he came to her today it's highly likely she would fall right back, Because she doesn't recognize the danger and believes herself to be OUT. She is on the way, but still on the hook.
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Old 13th February 2018, 3:07 AM   #23
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DKT

I feel Over a Barrel is at a crucial time in her recovery. She needs to take the final leap into NC, NOTHING, GONE NYET NADA forever.

Poppy.
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Old 13th February 2018, 5:53 AM   #24
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When you climb a mountain you get a good idea of the dangers that lay ahead for those at the base. In conversation with the novice they seem to have a good plan but not the right plan for that mountain. Pointing this out isn't an attempt to discourage.

OP has made great progress, yet, she is clearly not there. Too much energy still spent on MM marriage dynamic, still considering a possible relationship if he jumps through her hoops.

It's why a said this is more of a fake it til you make it. She is simply still emotionally vested. Thus the anger towards the BW, that manifests as what she called "telling the truth about her" what truth could she possibly know that didn't come second hand?

She is moving in the right direction, but truth is, if he came to her today it's highly likely she would fall right back, Because she doesn't recognize the danger and believes herself to be OUT. She is on the way, but still on the hook.
Man, you're like a hammer that's obsessed with hitting the same nail. Not just hoops, standards!! You know...Those little things I let go of when I was doing my crazy dance with him. Biggest.mistake.ever! That is one of the great lessons from this--no-one under any circumstance, regardless of how strongly they are connected or what type of relationship, should ever cause a person to compromise their own standards. Do not compromise. If it doesn't pass the test, walk away. If you are an "other," demand better for yourself. If you are a BS, put your foot down (do the "180"). If you are a WW, just knock it off, face your crap, and stop hurting people!

That is where I made my biggest mistake. That is where I let myself down most! And, I believe this truth is where we are all universally connected regardless of OW/OM, BS, or WW. No matter where we find ourselves in the triangle, the most painful thing to face is that we may have let ourselves down. This revelation is so painful, that few people are willing to face it, own it, and deal with it. It is easier to stay focused on how the WW victimized us, or if you are the WW, how the BS did/didn't do xyz or the "other" finally gave up leaving you to cry in your soup. By focusing on someone else's behavior, we get to avoid focusing on our own, and boy doesn't that feel better?

Now, back to DKT3...hate to keep telling you that you are wrong, but you are. I'm going to be very frank with you for your benefit and others here. If you are extraordinarily courageous, you will reread it a few times and examine it for the kernels of truth that apply to you.

First off, I don't need to defend myself to you. I'm not in the habit of giving power like that to people over my life. If this were real life rather than an online community, I would have simply ignored you after my first reply to you just as I do with anyone else who tries to discourage me anytime I have a goal. However, for the sake of people who are struggling to find their way (and I remember the feeling well), I am going to reply because I don't want my message tainted--encouraging others in such position was my original purpose for posting this thread after all. BTW, you would not make a very good life coach at this juncture, but I encourage you to get into some motivational literature/seminars/Youtube videos. One of my personal faves is Tony Robbins, but there are so many out there (Deepak Chopra, Abraham Hicks, Oprah Winfrey, Suze Orman, Joel Osteen to name a few)! I digress!

Let me get an easy point out of the way...I am not angry at his BS. I don't respect her or like her, but that is because she is not a very kind person. Truly, if she were a sweetheart, I would have reached out to her and offered to help her financially bury xMM for being such a turd. Now, I will say for a time I was angry with her, but it was totally because she was putting up with being cheated on, and that reminded me of my own mother who also put up with being cheated on when I was 14 yo. I resented that my mother was too weak to eject my dad who blatantly disrespected her, and instead coddled him desperately. Yuck!!! I never regained my respect for my mother after that (so think about that BS's, especially if you have kids and can't find the strength to 180 the cheater).

You said, "what truth could she possibly know that didn't come second hand?" I reply, "and you know that how?? How do you know what I know first or second hand? How do you know better than I when I was there and you were not?" Aren't you accusing me of doing exactly what you are doing in that very sentence? You keep insinuating your own story and reality onto mine.

With all your attacks, you are starting to remind me of xMM--two people trying to hold me back, but each with very different agendas and methods. We all know xMM's agenda and method, but let's take a closer look at yours. You are driven to post on my thread as you do because something in my story is triggering you and it needs to be healed. What is it? Is it that you believe the OM in your own story was a villain who is 99% to blame for your WW spouse's infidelity? If so, you let your WW off too easily. I know there is some truth to this bc you focused on what you incorrectly perceive to be my attacking my xMM's BS, pitting yourself against the OW/OM in your own story.

Is it because you see that I'm moving ahead in my life, succeeding, feeling great...and you believe that unfair because I was complicit in xMM's infidelity against his BS? Do you believe OW/OM should shrivel into a worthless sack of caca during/after the affair? Do you delight in OW/OM pain? Are OW/OM unworthy to have a good life, an even better life, after the affair? You have to get really honest and brave with yourself if you want to be free. If you had even the slightest yes response within yourself to these questions, then what is happening is you have made the OM in your story the evil one who came along and ruined your idealized version of your spouse. You are doing that because you don't want to face that you chose to marry, and reconcile with, a spouse who would be capable of the awful betrayal of cheating...your ego does not want to go there! It is much easier to blame the horrible monster OM/OW for bringing their evil into both your lives, and corrupting your innocent peach. I'm sorry if this is harsh, but no chance you would get my point without this sort of language. Blaming the OM lets you keep your perfect image of your WW and makes the evil go away easier--no more OM, no more evil, right? You are doing yourself a disservice if you think this way.

And for whatever it's worth to you (probably nothing at all considering you see yourself in opposition to me), I have been cheated on before with someone I was very much in love with. After the end of that relationship, I wasn't interested in dating for at least 4 years. The pain I experienced with that far pales in comparison to the pain of being the "other." Know what else came out of this for me? I have completely forgiven my dad's OW. She must have gone through hell! I know she ended up losing her job over it and moving away. Until I was in her shoes, I even planned to hunt her down at some point in my adult life and blast her for the hurt she caused me as a kid, and how much it shaped my adult decisions. Now I know she took her lumps already. Being an "other" is one of the biggest mind f^%ks on earth!

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Old 13th February 2018, 7:20 AM   #25
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You think I'm trying to hold you back? What would my motivation for that be?

Not even close, I pull for every ow/MW on the site. My style is the same in every part of my Life. Point out what I see as positive as well as what is negative with no apologies. I don't know you, so I base it solely on what you wrote. In combination with my educational background in human behavior.

His wife my be a nasty piece of work, but what exactly has she done to you? Objected to you being with her husband? Has she done anything to you that wasn't spurred on by that?

As I said several times, you are doing some good things, I think if you just shift that last little bit and let it go, in my opinion, you will be there.

I recall another posters here that I had this very conversation with. She was saying what you are saying but she had this quiet rage bubbling under the surface towards his BW. She refused to let it go. After a year and a half she found herself right back in the affair. Why? Because she wouldn't be honest with herself about why she was saying bad things about this woman, who had really done nothing to her. Her anger was based on MM choosing to stay married and that she saw his wife as a rival. If she had let go of the idea of him she would have no reason to hold hatered towards her.

See my attempt as you will, but ask your therapist about this(if you have one) and go from there.

With that I will excuse myself from your thread and future threads, I wish you the best.

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Old 14th February 2018, 2:47 AM   #26
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That' a bizarre thing for him to say. Even more bizarre is that he would think you could possibly find that flattering and endearing. He sounds like he has a very strange way of viewing the world.
Macbride,

He was very odd indeed. Reflecting on the past often brings clarity. In hindsight, I do believe that secretly emotionally abusing his wife gave him some kind of pleasure.

It is all too hard to comprehend and I have given up trying in favour of peace of mind.

Poppy
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Old 14th February 2018, 11:04 AM   #27
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it is all too hard to comprehend and i have given up trying in favour of peace of mind.

Poppy
amen!!!!!!
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Old 14th February 2018, 11:40 AM   #28
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You think I'm trying to hold you back? What would my motivation for that be?

I do believe I answered this already in my last reply to you.

Not even close, I pull for every ow/MW on the site. My style is the same in every part of my Life. Point out what I see as positive as well as what is negative with no apologies. I don't know you, so I base it solely on what you wrote. In combination with my educational background in human behavior.

1. You didn't base it on what I wrote as I repeatedly told you how you skewed and misinterpreted what I wrote, and in some cases regurgitated the opposite. 2. Just because you have an educational background in human behavior does not make you infallible. If anything, you should be even more questioning of yourself for suggesting your background gives you a leg up--from my observations in life any time a person believes they have mastered something, that person creates a blind spot in that area from lack of vigilance. Also, I have had a couple therapists who have brought their personal "stuff" into the counseling session, which was counterproductive. Heck, some people get into the mental health field because they are trying to sort out their own "stuff."

His wife my be a nasty piece of work, but what exactly has she done to you? Objected to you being with her husband? Has she done anything to you that wasn't spurred on by that?

See, here is one of those places where you are pushing your own agenda, which is you think I'm angry at and blaming the BS. Nope, can't really be bothered wasting my energy on that. And if I were, her living with him is all the punishment I could ever hope for, and I could say the same for him. Him living with her is his punishment and loss. As one of my closet friends said, they deserve each other.

As I said several times, you are doing some good things, I think if you just shift that last little bit and let it go, in my opinion, you will be there.

I recall another posters here that I had this very conversation with. She was saying what you are saying but she had this quiet rage bubbling under the surface towards his BW. She refused to let it go. After a year and a half she found herself right back in the affair. Why? Because she wouldn't be honest with herself about why she was saying bad things about this woman, who had really done nothing to her. Her anger was based on MM choosing to stay married and that she saw his wife as a rival. If she had let go of the idea of him she would have no reason to hold hatered towards her.

We are not all the same. For me, I see all the awesome stuff that is unfolding in my life now, like blessings falling from heaven, and how the A was a barrier to receiving it all before. So basically it's a choice: xMM in A or all this awesomeness that is even better than before I knew xMM. I really liked my life before him, and now things are even better, so now I'm on fire with excitement, marvel, happiness, more! Give all that up to feel miserable for a crumb of a crumb with xMM? Nah, I think the choice is pretty easy!

See my attempt as you will, but ask your therapist about this(if you have one) and go from there.

With that I will excuse myself from your thread and future threads, I wish you the best.

It's too bad you didn't take me up on doing your own introspection. Oh well.
All the best!

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Old 14th February 2018, 1:41 PM   #29
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I will say, as a former MW, that DKT3 has some valid points. Maybe it's because I am over seven years out from my A that I can see the points he's trying to make...it's all about perspective.

Barrel, when I started on this site, there was zero moderation and posters used to say horrible things to WW like me. I found, though, that the posts that pissed me off the most hit a nerve, a nerve that was an issue I hadn't addressed yet. I'm not saying you have to listen to everyone but maybe sometimes try to take a step back. Or just move on. Even today occasionally a post will really get to me...but now instead of thinking "what a jerk" I think "why is this upsetting me so much?"

You've made great progress, and the more progress you make, the easier it becomes. It is a hard road to heal from being a OW/MW but as long as you keep moving forward you'll make it. GL.
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Old 14th February 2018, 4:01 PM   #30
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op,
Have you thought about what you response will be should this mm try to contact you and get the affair up and running again?

I'm asking because if you have an answer down pat in your mind and are ready, it may be much easier to avoid getting sucked back in. You'll be well prepared and much less likely to be thrown for a loop.
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