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Me and my (ex)stepmother so messed up.


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Old 17th February 2018, 1:54 AM   #46
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Wow... Adotta. Your story hurt my heart. You were very vulnerable, and coupled that with a manipulative, unstable stepmom who seems like she never grew up ruined a lot of things. Your childhood, your father's relationship with women, etc. But the most important thing is, you're not to blame. And I'm so glad you quit her. Just keep on going, and remember that just like drugs, toxic relationships are easy to relapse. As soon as you think you're "over" her, remind yourself that she's like a drug, and do your best to never ever let her back in your life. The age difference is large but it's the thing that matters the least in this story. She could have been your age (let's ignore the fact that you both would have been illegal at the time ), but the fact that she cheated on her husband with her husband's SON, means she's not someone you should be around, ever.

As to your new prospect... I don't think you've healed, not even close. Something so traumatic needs time to heal. If you rush into a relationship now, you'll either 1) get bored of a stable relationship and start to seek a toxic one (aka returning to the "familiar"), or 2) latch on to the new relationship regardless of how toxic it is. There's nothing wrong with flirting with a cute girl and gaining your confidence back; it's healthy! When I was losing weight I found that more and more men talked to me, and even though I didn't start dating until much later, the confidence was nice to have.

You may let her know you're interested but not ready to date seriously at all at this point; in a few years once you've healed, and she's available, there's always a chance to get back together. You seem like a bright and kind guy; you're not old at all to find someone new. Heck, I'd say you even have room for a few more failed relationships (hopefully they'll be nowhere near as toxic as the one with your stepmom). Relationships are all about trial and error; as long as there's no abuse (like what your stepmom did with you), and both sides respect each other, you will learn from both successful and failed relationships.

I'm cheering for you. Please keep us all updated!

Last edited by niji; 17th February 2018 at 1:59 AM..
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Old 17th February 2018, 3:19 AM   #47
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A FEW YEARS!!!! Jesus!!! Hell to the no. If you had told me give it a few months with staying friends or let this one go and try again with somone new when things are not so fresh with ex step then I would entertain the idea... but a few years!!!! No no no no. I need sex!! I need companionship.

Part of me thinks the only reason I jumped in bed with ex step again is for those two things. not because she was the be all end all. I was just hungry for affection I think.

I'm really getting over her. I know that's hard to believe so fast but I really think I didn't love her. When I told her I loved her during our Farwell night it actually felt like a big lie. I actually kind of pitied her and looked down on her. Shes a hot mess.

This girl is so great. She's understanding and kind but not a pushover. She likes to go on adventures and explore stuff. She likes hard talks. She isnt conflict avoiding. we both like singing. How the hell am I supposed to find another attractive girl who fits the bill so perfectly? attractive girls are a dime a dozen but not ones like this!

God why did my ex step mom after show back up in my life. This would be so clear cut otherwise.

One thing I know is I need sex! Badly. if I'm not ready for a relationship for YEARS then it's NSA for me as Hookers are never an option. But nsa seems so skeezy as well.

I really think this girl will be good for me.... and if not oh well. I've dealt with enough ****ty situations in my life to be able to know how to survive another.

I'm coming around to the idea of letting this wait for a month or two and see what happens with my councilor or see if I start craving the drug as you put it. But a few years..... no no no no and no.
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Old 17th February 2018, 10:07 AM   #48
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Adotta, great to read your new posts! I plan to comment later on. Have an apt I need to run out to and don't want to rush through my replies to you!
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Old 18th February 2018, 3:07 AM   #49
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Adotta, was great to read your latest posts. Now this is where I hesitate to speak out because I'm not your counselor but I'll give you some thoughts for what it's worth.

I'm glad to read you've disconnected from your ex step. And I like that you have a new friend who just happens to be a woman, or girl, can't recall her age, that you're also attracted to.

It sounds good to me that the girl you're attracted to has a job she's kept for awhile, is in school, has goals, is someone you can communicate with well. And that you have some history with her so that you know she's stable.

I would think that the longer you stay "just friends" with her the better your relationship would be in the long term. It seems to me you've been trying to keep it as just friends. But, I can imagine that may be difficult for you to do much longer. I don't know. It sounds to me from what you post that she definitely is interested in you as more than just a friend, if I had to guess.

This (how to proceed with this friendship with the new girl) is where your counselor could advise you better than I. The new girl sounds like someone special and I really want you to have the best experience with her possible, whatever that may entail.

One of my concerns for you would be that you become involved with the new girl and for some reason along the way, such as you have a disagreement, or anything else, you might be tempted to see the ex step again, as a bandaid for the issue. I'm not predicting this will happen, I'm just trying to think of things for you to be careful of.

Your thoughts and feelings about a past inappropriate experience could have a way of inserting itself into this new relationship at an unpredictable time and in an unpredictable way is another thing I'm concerned about. But, your counselor will know what to be cautious about. I'm so glad you went ahead and got set up with her!

I wish I had the experience to guide you through this new relationship, but I don't.

Everything you write about the girl sounds great to me, but it seems reasonable to me to believe there may be aspects of beginning a new relationship that could be tricky this soon after being in a R such as you had with ex step. I just don't know what those aspects might be.

When do you see your counselor again? Wednesday of this week or of the following week?
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Old 18th February 2018, 1:12 PM   #50
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Yeah I can see how you would be worried about me going back if things got rocky. I know I shouldn't head into an R willy nilly and I don't plan too. She's 21 by the way. I worry that she's still just starting to come out into the world but so am I. She's has sown some wild oats of her own from what I can tell. I'm not stupid enough to ask a number but she hasn't been to shy about it. It's one of the reasons I like her. She doesn't shade the truth to spare my feelings.

My apt. is for next week. We have it set for 2 times a month every other wed.

I'm leaning towards giving it time. I'm really just making sure my ex step is out of my system. In a few weeks I'll reevaluate.

It's going to be hard. We already have plans for next week. She has a brothers birthday party and she invited me. The party has me exited because it shows she isn't afraid to let her family meet me. Or maybe I'm just over thinking it. Even if we do start being more then just friends, I plan on holding off on sex until I'm sure I'm not just using her like a life raft. It's going to be hard to not start putting the moves on her. This is the first time I've been flirty and connecting to somone like this who is normal and I get a little giddy at times.

I really think I should just take it slow and not over think this. Reading what I just wrote kinda seems creepy and over dramatized to me. I just need to chill and not get ahead of myself.
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Old 18th February 2018, 1:50 PM   #51
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Sounds good, Adotta! Glad you're going to the brother's b'day party and can imagine it'll be fun! Also, it seems good to me that you'll be meeting her family. From what you've posted about her it really sounds as if she's a great girl!

Good thinking about just chilling and not getting ahead of yourself!
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Old 18th February 2018, 10:09 PM   #52
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Adotta
A FEW YEARS!!!! Jesus!!! Hell to the no. If you had told me give it a few months with staying friends or let this one go and try again with somone new when things are not so fresh with ex step then I would entertain the idea... but a few years!!!! No no no no. I need sex!! I need companionship.
A few years is not a long time in the grand scheme of thing. I guess what I wanted to say was, you can casually date and get to know people, but I would be hesitant on getting very attached/committed within the next year or so. A traumatic event needs time to heal, no matter how "ready" you think you are. I once liked this guy and was gently turned down (my scenario is 1/10000 the magnitude of yours, btw). For the next few weeks, I thought I was over him (in reality I was just numb and didn't know how to react at the time), but soon enough all of the emotions came flooding back and I was a mess for the next 2-3 months. It took me a few months to get over someone I liked but never got involved it. I'm not saying you would take as long as me to process any grief, but it's an example of the time frame it generally takes to heal. A few months for something as insignificant (compared to yours) as mine, so it's not unreasonable to expect a few years before you can complete heal (or as much as possible) from this manipulative yet childish woman who basically took over your late childhood/all of your teenage years.

Like Livingwater said, we're not professionals so can't advise you on time frame and stuff like that... do bring her up with your counselor and see what s/he thinks.
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Old 25th February 2018, 10:43 AM   #53
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smooth sailing and clear sky for now.

Just checking in.... I feel like I owe it to you guys a bit to check in once in a while.

Things are going great for me. My ex step mother has kept her word and not contacted me. It's still just the first week or so.... so maybe that will change but honestly I don't care anymore.

The new girl is still blowing up my phone with texts and call and I'm loving it. We talk A LOT. she actually joined me on 2 jogs of mine. she's pushing to spend more time with me. I'm keeping it simple for now but the draw to ask her out on some romantic date is killing me. For her and my sake I'll at least wait till my councilor wieght in on this before taking it further. We are still doing the friends who are just a bit more then friends dance for now..... whatever that is lol. Her brothers birthday is tomorrow and I'm pretty nervous. I actually went out and bought a few new sets of clothes for this party as most of my clothes where at least a little baggy.

The further I get from that messy situation the better I feel!
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Old 25th February 2018, 10:51 PM   #54
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Thanks for the update, Adotta! Sounds good and great that you're working with your counselor on moving ahead!
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Old 26th February 2018, 12:52 AM   #55
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As a 28 year old, this thread gave me a lot to think about. And I really feel so invested with you, Adotta Hope you continue to post here. You might not have a family that cares for you but there are KIND people out there who will help you. You can consider us, even if we're virtual. Hope you can get out of this dark place already as I know how that feels.

I sometimes forget that even if at 27-28, we're still young to think about ending our lives or thinking that all we experience now are just all there is to our lives.

There's a bend in our road. Whenever I am suicidal, I always think about my life as a book. I can't blame God (The author of my life) if I stopped midway of my story. He'll basically have an excuse to say that "you didn't let me finish writing your story!" so if let's say we die sad or still the same, at least I have now all reasons to yell at him in the afterlife
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Old 27th February 2018, 10:42 AM   #56
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Best news thanks.

Thankfully I've never been suicidal. If had a thought or 2 about it but it was mostly just curiosity. What would it feel like what happens after sort of thoughts.

In the end for me I've always thought " why kill myself? " even at my worst times there have always been fun to have. Even if my life was **** there was always somthing I could do for a little fun. So even a mostly **** life if better then no life at all.
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Old 27th February 2018, 12:23 PM   #57
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Based on what you have written your father may have been suicidal. You are in denial if you think he didnt know.

Part of growing up is making amends for past wrongs. You will never heal until you address the issue with your dad. If he passes before you talk to him, you will regret it. This I speak from experience.

You do not have to fully confess. He knew or strongly suspected. Men have a silent way of giving forgiveness. A deep meaningful hug usually does the trick. If he is reaching out to you, he wants to forgive. Please consider it.
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Old 27th February 2018, 12:54 PM   #58
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If anything, I think his father probably feels deep guilt for putting his son through all that. It seems the father needs forgiveness more. He married a child molester and exposed his sons to such trauma.

Last edited by JuneL; 27th February 2018 at 1:00 PM..
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Old 27th February 2018, 10:57 PM   #59
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cullenbohannon View Post
Based on what you have written your father may have been suicidal. You are in denial if you think he didnt know.

Part of growing up is making amends for past wrongs. You will never heal until you address the issue with your dad. If he passes before you talk to him, you will regret it. This I speak from experience.

You do not have to fully confess. He knew or strongly suspected. Men have a silent way of giving forgiveness. A deep meaningful hug usually does the trick. If he is reaching out to you, he wants to forgive. Please consider it.
Your right of course. In all likelihood he does know. But as long as I never talked about it and he never talked about it I guess I felt like he would never really KNOW know.

Here's an example

My mother was doing crack for a few years when I was about 13 (she put an end to that somewhat quickly from what I understand) and I even found the crack pipe ( it's sad that at that age I knew it was a crack pipe ) she denied , said it was a friends. I got angry. I was sure she was using crack but a part of me wanted to give her the benifit of the doubt. A year or 2 later my cousin actually confirmed my suspicion and then I was really pissed. I was mad at her for lying back then. I felt like a fool even though I knew the truth anyways. Doesn't that tell me that somewhere inside of me even though I had almost concrete evidence I still wanted to believe?

Could it be the same for him? Couldn't he know..... but not KNOW KNOW. As long as he doesn't have to face evidence and irrefutable proof then he can always believe at least a little that he was just being crazy or overly suspicious.

It seems to me that people are stupid. They will believe a lie because they want to believe it's true.

I'm beyond afraid ( not physically ... although he does have guns.....) of his reaction. Im afraid of this all spreading to other people. My feeling for my ex stepmother are mostly gone. She is a very sick person. But my guilt towards my father is NOT gone. If anything it has only amplified. This is my problem moving foward and also something my therapist wanted to talk about as well.

I cant.... I just can't look him in the eyes and admit it. I've been in front of him a few times just trying to start the talk. I always get this feeling like there is somthing in my throat. like my throat went dry. I get so close to saying what I have to say then pull back at the last second. It's cowardice. It's avoiding conflict. I know it is but I just CAN'T do it.

This wasn't just sex with my stepmother. It was beyond that. What we did was NOT normal. We didn't do anything physical that was too freakish ( besides sleeping with my stepmother ) but we where into S&M. She liked it.... I liked it. I liked dominating an older woman. I liked the idea of stealing her away from a father I had come to despise. There was a power dynamic to all of it that I still don't fully understand today.

I don't enjoy typing this but it's a large part of the knot in my head holding me back from talking to him about this but I have to face it eventually. If I can't tell anonymous people on the internet I'll never even be able to begin telling him... so here goes.

I used to have her compare me and him. I don't want to go into disgusting detail as I'm pretty sure you get the idea. But I would ask her to compare me and him alot and she was always happy to answer me. We would snicker and do things behind his back. It seemed like half the fun of the relationship was the doing it behind his back. We would rip him apart and laugh. Looking down on him was treated like an aphrodisiac to us.

I'm not the same person I was then. I see how twisted and sick that is. BUT HOW THE HELL am I supposed to look him in the eye after that?! If he doesn't get the whole truth. If all he gets is a clean sanitized "yes we had sex" isn't that a lie of omission? even if he doesn't know the details I DO! or what? Am I supposed to look him in the eyes and tell him " yeah me and her got our jollies off at your expense and instead of feeling guilty, the fact that you where in the other room passed out drunk only increased our pleasure! " How the hell am I supposed to have a normal relationship with my father after that?!!! How am i supposed to dodge the questions he will surely ask. The why and when and where questions. For **** sake having sex in the other room while he was passed out wasn't even the most daring thing we did.

Everytime I see my father all I can see is the man I betrayed. When I could hate him it was so much more easy. I didn't care what he was doing or where he was or what he thought. I see my father differently now. He was doing his best. He was a great father before he drank and even upto the point he left the house with us he never once abused me or my brother. He taught me alot. I could gut a deer at 8 or 9 years old. I could fish and hunt and change oil. I could rotate tires and check fluids. he tuaght me the slip knot, the square knot, how to tie off a boat, he walked me through building a deck , how to fight archery and a bunch of other things. He gave me lessons about life I will never truly forget. Hell one of my cousins can't even cast a pole that is a push button pole even though his father was around and available his entire life. That day was one of the days the image of my father changed for me.

How did I repay that? He was having a hard time. He was hurting and scared or tired and used alcohol to cope. I hated him for that weakness. He had always been my hero before that but I hated him so quickly. And then I betrayed him.... while he was off working his ass off a good 60 to 70 hours a week easily to pay off our massive beautiful home and nice cars, I was rolling around in HIS bed with HIS wife and insulting him!

I have to stop here. I'm working myself up. I'm all keyed up and ready to punch somthing. I don't even really know why I'm so mad. I'm not the victim. He is. Some of you call me my stepmothers victim. I still have trouble seeing myself as a victim..... but my father is MY victim. Short of murdering him I did just about the worst thing you could have done to him.

I just can't see me ever telling my father. I really think I'll just have to learn to deal with the guilt.

I can't wait to see my therapist. I have been thinking hard about the past and so many things. You guys are nice to unload on but I have to admit my therapists even with just one appointment has filled me with confidence in her.

Last edited by Adotta; 27th February 2018 at 11:01 PM..
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Old 28th February 2018, 2:37 AM   #60
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Isn't today the day you'll see your therapist, Adotta? Or is it next week? I've lost track.

Do you think it would help to go weekly for a little while rather than just every other week?

Adotta, this is a very complex situation that you can't possibly untangle. All that you wrote in the above post is pushing its way into your mind and you are trying to deal with it. But, your perspective on it is lacking so much of that which would contribute to making it what the reality of it actually was.

It seems clear to me that you recognize there are elements of this that only a trained and experienced counselor can help you make sense of. I am so glad to read you express such a strong confidence in your counselor.

I have heard (ask your counselor about this, though) that when a child is traumatized their development is arrested at the age in which it happens. So that until they work through it and heal from it, they often see life through a lens of a person the age they were when the trauma occurred.

So, it seems to me you were traumatized at a very young age by much of what you witnessed with your mother, some of which you've written about. There may be other traumas you experienced, I don't know about that, though.

So when you were with your stepmother at whatever age you were, that very possibly it was a much younger part of you that made the decision to do it; the part of you that saw stuff from your mom when you were a little boy and you felt probably scared and as if things were out of control.

It seems to me that you were forced into the role of a man as a boy and somehow being with your stepmother was a continuation of that role you began at a much younger age. And your delight in hurting your father was a little boy acting out his rage that his childhood was stolen.

That's most likely not exactly the reality of the situation, but it could be something similar. I just don't know because I'm not trained and don't have experience in these things. But, you can be sure that your counselor will help you through this one step at a time.

When I read your post on another thread I was struck with your seeming intuition and grasp of emotional concepts that seemed to me to be way out of reach for a man your age. This seems to me to be an indication that you are a complex person which will probably add to the challenge of working through this. But, in other ways, it seems to me your grasp of variables in any given situation will be very helpful as your work your way through this.

I believe there will come a time when you'll feel prepared to have a talk with your dad about things. But, you don't seem to me to be nearly ready for it. Give yourself time, Adotta. Your dad is a fine man, I believe. And he has a desire for the two of you to have a good relationship. On some level he probably realizes things in your life were pretty messed up, but all of you have moved on away from that messed up situation. And it seems to me both you and your father have taken steps to move into a healthier life. At some point your paths will converge. It's a journey, Adotta.

Anyway, I've probably written too much. I continue to suggest you share posts with your counselor but, of course, it's your decision. I'd hate it if anything I've written adds to the complexity of the situation so if I, or anyone else, is off target it seems it would be good for your counselor to have the opportunity to shoot it down real fast so that a wrong idea doesn't take root in your head! Just my opinion!
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