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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 3rd March 2018, 2:17 AM   #16
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Originally Posted by ViridianBlue View Post
My bedroom life isnt dull itís non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it.
I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating.
My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me.
No sex drive? Does he masterbate? He may need testosterone treatment. Men will almost never admit to needing help in the bedroom. Heck he might be gay?! Who knows. But please don't start some clandestine bull crap childish afair to spice things up. If your SO is not willing to put the work in DUMP HIM. For his sake but more importantly for YOUR SAKE.

Any guy that hears thier girl say they want more sex and thier response is "meh" doesn't deserve thier penis. Half the men on these boards wish thier SO actually wanted more sex from them. A girl asking for sex and being hot and heavy for you is like a gift from on high!

It possible he's not attracted any more as well. I'm not saying your ugly. Some people just hate the "old" and chase the "new". My cousin is like that. His girlfriend was a knock out stunner but he just stopped giving a crap after a while and started chasing other girls. It was stupid and pathetic. She was an easy 8 or 9 and he was a 7 at best. Stupid fool is now alone and noone wants him because he's a total loser.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 10:13 AM   #17
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Your first post hit the nail on the head: he is fantasizing. The problem is, you are actualizing while he fantasizes. That is, your mind is thinking for ways to make it work, going through realistic scenarios to get you both from where you are to where you can be together. In the meantime, he is practicing escapism by fantasizing about this idealized relationship with you. This is dangerous stuff for you. You are sucked into his vision and figuring out how to get there; he has no intention of exploring anything other than the fantasy.

Get out now and get out of your existing relationship. You are ready to fall in love again. Make your head help your heart by setting realistic boundaries and considering only single, available men. This is a recipe for yearsí worth of heartache. Read on the board here of how many women wished they had never taken that first step. Protect yourself!!!!
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Old 3rd March 2018, 12:56 PM   #18
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It wasn't out of no where...

You fed it. It grew bigger - and you made a conscious decision to keep growing it bigger and bigger every time you communicated with him.

Saying it was out of no where is ridiculous. You participated until it was physical - that's on you.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:30 PM   #19
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It's not clear to me if you're married or simply in a relationship, but if there's no sex and you're vulnerable to having an affair--take the steps you need to get out (especially since your partner doesn't care or isn't willing to address the sexual aspect of your union).

You'll feel loads better being single than getting repeatedly rejected in your own relationship and by some married man throwing you breadcrumbs. Walk away with your dignity intact.
Iím not married but in a LTR of 6yrs. Youíre right, it has just been hard taking the steps in the right direction. The MM has basically freaked out and broke things off for a second time. This enotional rollercoaster of back and forth the last couple of months has been painful. Iím hoping this numbs me and gives time to reflect on the ridiculousness of this affair.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:32 PM   #20
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And you can certainly end it as much as it resumed!

You're not powerless - do something to take charge of your future! Get rid of the toxic MM who will use you and toss you aside.

If you stay involved you're in for a LOT of pain.
Thank you for your honesty. Itís important for me to focus on the truth in the matter, despite how painful it is.
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Old 7th March 2018, 4:35 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by georgia girl View Post
Your first post hit the nail on the head: he is fantasizing. The problem is, you are actualizing while he fantasizes. That is, your mind is thinking for ways to make it work, going through realistic scenarios to get you both from where you are to where you can be together. In the meantime, he is practicing escapism by fantasizing about this idealized relationship with you. This is dangerous stuff for you. You are sucked into his vision and figuring out how to get there; he has no intention of exploring anything other than the fantasy.

Get out now and get out of your existing relationship. You are ready to fall in love again. Make your head help your heart by setting realistic boundaries and considering only single, available men. This is a recipe for yearsí worth of heartache. Read on the board here of how many women wished
they had never taken that first step. Protect yourself!!!!
This is exactely the thought process that has been going on in my head, unfortunetely. He broke things off again, which has worn me down. I need to muster the stregnth to get over him :/
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Old 7th March 2018, 8:09 PM   #22
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Is this the status quo?

So is this the norm in the MM/MW situation of breaking up and getting back together...rinse repeat? I feel like I should be better equipped to walk away from this madness.
The MM I’m involved with or was involved with has cancelled mutiple times and now broke it off again. It almost feels like I’m dealing with a Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde type personality. How does one get out of this toxic cycle and away from the AP. Even with trying NC somehow things will slip back into old routines.
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Old 7th March 2018, 8:17 PM   #23
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Well..affairs in general are not normal relationships, so it’s pointless to compare them to really dating someone. That said, yes, I believe there is a lot more push/pull in affairs than in relationships. Think about it, you’re taking a huge risk..it’s like constantly being in danger. In danger of someone finding out, in danger of losing your marriage or him losing his, in danger of hurting any children involved, in danger of the other spouse coming after you. When someone feels threatened, we fight or flight right? Fight or flight in this situation means pick a fight or dump the AP, or ghost then.

I had to get metaphorically slapped in the face more than once to walk away from my exMM.
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Old 7th March 2018, 8:30 PM   #24
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Well..affairs in general are not normal relationships, so itís pointless to compare them to really dating someone. That said, yes, I believe there is a lot more push/pull in affairs than in relationships. Think about it, youíre taking a huge risk..itís like constantly being in danger. In danger of someone finding out, in danger of losing your marriage or him losing his, in danger of hurting any children involved, in danger of the other spouse coming after you. When someone feels threatened, we fight or flight right? Fight or flight in this situation means pick a fight or dump the AP, or ghost then.

I had to get metaphorically slapped in the face more than once to walk away from my exMM.
Totally agree, didnt mean to compare it to real relationships. It seems from a logical stand point it should be easy to walk away from such a toxic dynamic. Unfortunetely, it is not easy despite all of the red flags and obstacles.
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Old 7th March 2018, 8:50 PM   #25
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I feel like I should be better equipped to walk away from this madness.
I guess you need to ask yourself some hard questions...

"Why do I think I don't deserve a positive loving relationship with another person?"

"Why do I think I need to put up with his Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde personality?"

"Why do I allow myself to be treated like a doormat?"

"What is wrong with me that I can't maintain "No Contact"?"

"I have free will, why am I having trouble exercising it?"

"Why don't I have the strength to break the "Toxic Cycle"? or Do I like this "Toxic Cycle"?"

You have to hit your personal "rock bottom" in this relationship, at that point you'll draw the line in the sand and say "ENOUGH!"
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Last edited by Happy Lemming; 7th March 2018 at 9:14 PM..
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Old 7th March 2018, 9:29 PM   #26
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I guess you need to ask yourself some hard questions...

"Why do I think I don't deserve a positive loving relationship with another person?"

"Why do I think I need to put up with his Dr. Jekyl/Mr Hyde personality?"

"Why do I allow myself to be treated like a doormat?"

"What is wrong with me that I can't maintain "No Contact"?"

"I have free will, why am I having trouble exercising it?"

"Why don't I have the strength to break the "Toxic Cycle"? or Do I like this "Toxic Cycle"?"

You have to hit your personal "rock bottom" in this relationship, at that point you'll draw the line in the sand and say "ENOUGH!"
I think there is also the element of chemical addiction from the infatuation. The Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopresin etc
These addicted to love horomones seem to get people to do the most irrational things, on top of that, whatever emotional voids that need soothing.
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Old 8th March 2018, 12:43 AM   #27
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I think there is also the element of chemical addiction from the infatuation. The Dopamine, Oxytocin, Vasopresin etc
These addicted to love horomones seem to get people to do the most irrational things, on top of that, whatever emotional voids that need soothing.
These are just excuses. Imagine that he's at home - sleeping with his wife after hot sex.

Imagine that every time he contacts you.
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Old 8th March 2018, 2:48 AM   #28
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These are just excuses. Imagine that he's at home - sleeping with his wife after hot sex.

Imagine that every time he contacts you.
These are not excuses, the reactions to these chemicals are scientifically proven. The chemicals can make an addiction and withdrawl similar to cocaine. Why do you think these relationships are difficult to stop?

https://www.webmd.com/pain-managemen...in-like-a-drug
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Old 8th March 2018, 3:12 AM   #29
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These are not excuses, the reactions to these chemicals are scientifically proven. The chemicals can make an addiction and withdrawl similar to cocaine. Why do you think these relationships are difficult to stop?

https://www.webmd.com/pain-managemen...in-like-a-drug
But if you set your mind to it you can get past this.

Believe me I know about addiction - 10 years sober and have helped more than 150 people with their own sobriety.

If you want it to change - you have to stop handing him all of your power. You have to change the way you participate.
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Old 8th March 2018, 4:10 AM   #30
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But if you set your mind to it you can get past this.

Believe me I know about addiction - 10 years sober and have helped more than 150 people with their own sobriety.

If you want it to change - you have to stop handing him all of your power. You have to change the way you participate.
I agree with you, thatís why following through with NC is important. Cutting off the source of the fix. Itís just difficult getting to that point and being diligent.
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