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EA with friend out of nowhere


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 26th January 2018, 10:17 AM   #1
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EA with friend out of nowhere

It started back in December right before christmas. We started long talks on facebook messenger. MM admitted to having feelings for me for years since he met me back in 2015. I honesly had no idea and was surprised and tried diverting the convo back to his wife. We had a prior creative working history together, I am ommitting some details for annonimity. We had a falling out in regards to our working together on a creative project. I had quit talking to him for a time being. Eventually, we reconciled as friends and here we are today.

So back to December 2017, he admitting his feelings for me and confiding about his passionless marriage. I then confide in him about my dead bedroom relationship I have with my SO. So now things start sinking down the ravbit hole and feelings are exchanged with emotions running high(sexting). We become addicted to talking to eachother.
We eventually decide to meetup for drinks and a movie. We ended up kissing, but that is the extent of the physical side. After Our meetup I felt some apprehension on his part, and he admitted to being scared about how he felt about me. We continued our talks and made plans again to meetup but he canceled. Despite him giving me a legitimate excuse, I knew something deeper was going on.

Fast forward to today and he cancelled plans again but saying he couldn't do the sneaking around and that it’s weighing too much on him. He wants to remain friends. I am hurt but also agree; there’s no future in this relationship, and it hurts me to be emotionally attached to something with no hope of a future with.
He seems to like keeping the relationship/fantasy compartmentalized by our means of contact through messaging. Despite him reassuring me his feelings are truly deep and real for me, I feel nothing but breads crumbs on his behalf. I am already resentful of what seems to be one sided contact.

I blocked him from facebook messenger and blocked his number on my phone. I will try my best to go NC and see if I get some clarity. I just feel like some emotional surrogate/pawn for him and he wants to keep the staus quo.
I feel like a damn fool and wished he never told me how He felt about me :/

Last edited by ViridianBlue; 26th January 2018 at 10:22 AM..
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:42 AM   #2
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They ALL have passionless marriages. That excuse is older than dirt.

Sorry you're feeling used.....but you were. He was just looking for props (as were you) and you both got a rush out of the sexual communication.

Sure, he's pulling back now with claims of guilt and confusion, but beware, he'll likely be back with increased intensity after he's 'cleared' his conscience.

If your bedroom life with your SO is dull, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try to spice it up rather than engaging in an affair?

You're right, there is no future with this man. Only pain and heartache. Try to imagine your SO's face if he read any of those racy texts. Not worth it. Block him and figure out why you needed to look outside of your current relationship.
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Old 26th January 2018, 10:57 AM   #3
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Perfect advice, but I would add...

Quote:
Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
They ALL have passionless marriages. That excuse is older than dirt.

Sorry you're feeling used.....but you were. He was just looking for props (as were you) and you both got a rush out of the sexual communication.

Sure, he's pulling back now with claims of guilt and confusion, but beware, he'll likely be back with increased intensity after he's 'cleared' his conscience.

If your bedroom life with your SO is dull, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try to spice it up rather than engaging in an affair?

You're right, there is no future with this man. Only pain and heartache. Try to imagine your SO's face if he read any of those racy texts. Not worth it. Block him and figure out why you needed to look outside of your current relationship.
Perfect advice, but I would add...

If you are not married to your SO, and you sound fairly young, then good grief, break up and find someone new.

Would that not be a better way to proceed?

As for what What_Did_I_Do said, that is spot on. He will be back, and if you keep it up, you will sleep together and it will be a full on affair.

And for you, since your relationship sexually with your SO is dead, it will be worse for you. You are libel to fall deeply in love with a married man that you cannot be with long term.

Bad idea...
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Old 26th January 2018, 12:22 PM   #4
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Good for you for blocking him and realizing quickly what heís doing and where heís really going with this ó> nowhere.
Iím sure youíve read stories on this forum and how it usually turns out. Never good.
So dust off that pride and pat yourself on the back for taking the right step in blocking and seeing the situation for what it really is. Youíre already ahead!
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Old 26th January 2018, 1:00 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by What_Did_I_Do View Post
If your bedroom life with your SO is dull, wouldn't it be worth the effort to try to spice it up rather than engaging in an affair?
My bedroom life isnt dull it’s non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it.
I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating.
My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me.
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Old 26th January 2018, 1:07 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
And for you, since your relationship sexually with your SO is dead, it will be worse for you. You are libel to fall deeply in love with a married man that you cannot be with long term.

Bad idea...
This is what I fear. My relationship is at the end of its rope and planning my exit. The last thing I want is transferring my feelings onto the MM, and ending up deep in a hopeless situation.
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Old 26th January 2018, 2:00 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ViridianBlue View Post
My bedroom life isnt dull itís non-existent, hence, a dead bedroom. I have talked with my SO many times about my needs not being met. Being rejected repeatedly by your partner is soul crushing. Believe me, I have tried to spice things up, but he has no sex drive and he is not taking steps to fix it.
I am not trying to justify my bad behavior, but I can see why I was vulnerable and being desired by this MM was intoxicating.
My 6yr relationship with my SO is at an end for me.
Then this would be the perfect time to find a single man, not a married one. When he said he had feelings for you he probably meant he wants to have sex with you.
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Old 26th January 2018, 8:16 PM   #8
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Then this would be the perfect time to find a single man, not a married one. When he said he had feelings for you he probably meant he wants to have sex with you.
Sure, but he backed off after we kissed, the physical aspect scared him. It seemed he was more after using me for a connection/passion he felt was missing. I think he felt more comfortable with it as an EA, since he could rationalize it as not being an affair in his mind. I didnt expect or want a MM, he pushed my buttons and I comprimised my boundries.
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Old 26th January 2018, 11:26 PM   #9
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He did you a big favor. You have stopped sliding on the slippery slope

Read 10 randomly selected OW posts. Keep score how many turned out well versus how many didnít. If you are up to it, select 10 more and repeat the math.

The relationships are always troubling and most often end badly. After all if things didnít end badly, they would t end at all.
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Old 27th January 2018, 2:28 PM   #10
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You absolutely did the right thing. Seriously, please, stay away from him.

My 23 year marriage was also a "dead bedroom" one. On my way to being 100% sure I was ready to divorce I got involved with my MM. I was so vulnerable because of all that was lacking in my marriage and soon fell very much in love with MM, just as BluesPower predicts you will. It's taken me almost 3 years to be serious about ending the relationship with my MM, and it's more painful than you can imagine.

Just don't let it go any further. You'll waste so much time and emotion and render yourself unable to get into a good relationship for the much too long period of time it will take you to get over it. That's what's ahead of you if you get weak and unblock and continue with him.

Last edited by Finding my way; 27th January 2018 at 2:30 PM..
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Old 27th January 2018, 4:07 PM   #11
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Your story starts similarly to mine. MM admitting he had feelings, then the talks, emotional bonding, kissing, then recognizing that it's wrong and the guilt and shame overrides... We had talked about the fact that it could not go anywhere, that it's normal to be attracted to someone and that we shouldn't talk anymore. This was at the very beginning. And here I am, three and a half year later working hard to not fall back into it.

Your story is no different than countless other ones here with a few minor details that are different. Great job on blocking and doing NC early on. I wish I'd saved myself the heartache. Seriously, if you decide to unblock and reach out, nothing will change. You'll just find yourself at the same place years from now. Keeping reaching out here for support and keep NC.
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Old 2nd March 2018, 9:12 PM   #12
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Relapsed

I hate to admit it, but I broke contact and relapsed not long after the initial post.
Like many others, Iíve allowed myself to get sucked back into this toxic cycle.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 12:12 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by ViridianBlue View Post
I hate to admit it, but I broke contact and relapsed not long after the initial post.
Like many others, Iíve allowed myself to get sucked back into this toxic cycle.
Bummer. You do realize you're only going to end up miserable from this, right?

Have you ended your relationship with your SO at least?

It sounds like you're so unfulfilled in your current relationship that you're latching on to the first person who comes along and pays you attention . I don't think it's going to give you what you want, though .
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Old 3rd March 2018, 12:35 AM   #14
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It's not clear to me if you're married or simply in a relationship, but if there's no sex and you're vulnerable to having an affair--take the steps you need to get out (especially since your partner doesn't care or isn't willing to address the sexual aspect of your union).

You'll feel loads better being single than getting repeatedly rejected in your own relationship and by some married man throwing you breadcrumbs. Walk away with your dignity intact.
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Old 3rd March 2018, 1:55 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by ViridianBlue View Post
I hate to admit it, but I broke contact and relapsed not long after the initial post.
Like many others, Iíve allowed myself to get sucked back into this toxic cycle.
And you can certainly end it as much as it resumed!

You're not powerless - do something to take charge of your future! Get rid of the toxic MM who will use you and toss you aside.

If you stay involved you're in for a LOT of pain.
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