Need to start NO contact

[Sadandlonely41]

Ok so but of background. Am 41 married twice and have children from both marriages. Was a young mum and seemed to meet men that weren’t really suitable apart from my current husband. Everything great for the first 12 years together only been the last 2 years that things have changed

 

I’ve changed and I know that’s a huge part of the problem. Instead of being happy being at home and raising the children i wanted to see if there was more for me so I got a job. At first only part time but quickly went full time. I am naturally a happy person and will have a laugh and joke with everyone

 

This particular colleague is also happy and flirty with everyone and so naturally we clicked. Didn’t help that we had to work close together for a project. Including a work trip away.

 

The intention was never to start an affair but that’s what has happened. It was just meant to be the one time that was 18 months ago.

 

I know what I am doing is so wrong and I don’t need anyone to tell me what a horrible person I am. I already know that and I am struggling to get through each day. I’ve tried the past 6 months to end it but he keeps pulling me back in. He says he is happy with his wife and will never leave her. I’ve said he can’t be if he sleeps with me.

 

It came to a head last week and I told him it had to end and he asked why. He wants us both.

 

I’ve gone from someone who was confident and happy to someone who cries all the time.

 

I know he is using me and that my husband deserves so much better than me. I just need help and advice on how to stop letting him get in my head. I never wanted to fall in love with him but that’s has what happened

 

Should add my husband works away every week so I am on my own all the time. That’s no excuse but just wanted to give some more information.

 

Does anyone have any advice

[MidnightBlue1980]

{snip} Does anyone have any advice

 

Sure, I have advice.

 

First, you are not in love with him. It feels like that of course but you have to trust me that it's just a chemical attachment which you have formed, from sex basically. Plus it's fueled by secrecy and excitement since it did not transform into a normal relationship in which those highs fall away naturally.

 

Second, the guy has been honest that he has no intention of leaving his wife and that he wants both his marriage and his fun on the side. Men are able to compartmentalize so you are incorrect that he cannot be that happy at home if he able to sleep with you. He probably is happy at home but you add that extra sparkle. However you deserve more than to be some fun on the side, right? And since you are crying all the time...

 

Third, you need to leave your job. Sorry. There is no other way. You could end it and do the limited contact thing which is a whole other kind of living hell. I did it for a year. It's no way to live and you will not get better. Trust me.

 

Fourth, as an aside, there is nothing wrong with wanting to get a job. No one says you need to happy at home being a mom if you want a job. Obviously though you are not happy in your marriage. I wouldn't be either if I only saw my spouse on weekends. Of course now though you have a difficult decision to make, do you tell your husband a s way to make him see how unhappy you are? That could really go either way. In my case we have a better marriage today. But I know a lot of people where the honesty resulted in divorce. But maybe you would be better off, you said you are alone all the time anyway. Right?

Edited January 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
snipped ~T

[Sadandlonely41]

Ok so I should have said something left before Christmas and he left a few weeks later. His was planned mine wasn’t. I just had enough one day and left but that has caused other issues at home.

 

I’ve tried to talk to my husband about the time we spent apart. It’s always been this way and so his response is why does it matter now. Think I was so busy with the children that I forgot about me/us. I’ve said that the marriage can’t manage on 8 days a month. And the 8 days if I am lucky.

[Darren Steez]

Your husband works to provide for his family. I'm sure he's not giddy about being away from home all the time but he trusts you to look after the kids and he didn't stop you from getting a job and doing what you needed to do..even if he did, he might have comprised and you went and did your thing.

 

It's called being an adult. Being responsible. Being mature.

 

You claim weakness, you claim you don't even like this man yet you keep going back for sex. At what point do you stand up and take responsibility for your actions?

 

If you want the single life then ask your husband for a divorce, then you can have the freedom you want. If you want your marriage then stop all this stuff and talk to your husband. Start being authentic.