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Very very abrupt end...NC?


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livinglargecj

I have been in a very strong EA/PA for a few months. Sounds cliche but we really were best friends.

 

She was on the fence about what to do, especially with a young child although the relationship had been poor before we met (they had been married only a few years). She knew all along that he would forgive and want to work on it regardless of what she told him...that it would be up to her to leave it if so. She told him if it was not for their child she would already be gone. They began sleeping in separate rooms and we continued to talk/message at every opportunity. At some point she told him about me but I was just a close friend. We do not live in the same area so distance was a challenge to a reality of us together. The best I could expect her to do in the near term was separate into an apartment which she had thought about but not seriously.

 

Everything was going great and then something got to her and in the matter of 2 days she made a 180 turn and decided she was gonna tell him about everything and to 'maybe' to do what she 'should do' and work on her marriage. That was the last time we spoke. It may have been the holidays, risk of leaving stability/security, recent meds, as well as the stress of the secret and guilt for him. It was a total shock and that is the problem...I want to know what lead to it and maybe even need to hear to never contact her again. All I got was that she couldn't continue to talk to me.

 

In any other relationship I have been, there is dialogue at the end. This reminds me more like the time my friend was killed than a breakup. I miss having my friend more than anything ...which seems strange.

 

I know all professional advice to work on her marriage says to break all contact. I am not sure how she has been able to since at one time she said she didn't think that was possible.

 

It sucks but I realize this result NEEDED to happen regardless of the long term. She needed to figure herself out separate from my involvement - for her marriage and her child. I needed to get on with my life while she did that. If we ended up after that then it would be better. If she would have left, that would not have been a positive start to us and maybe burden it so much that it was doomed. I wish I realized this all earlier.

 

Many questions:

 

Is she hurting for me too?? If not, man it feels cheap.

So do I call to get what I think I need to hear?

If someday (months out) they are not able to be repaired, does it serve me better to not call?

Or do I pull the romantic card and say if you love something, you go back after it at some point? Is there a period of time where she begins reflecting on what she had to end versus the affair disclosure?

If I wait then I am prolonging my own moving on?

If I choose to call, how long do I wait until she is in a place that I can get an explanation...even if it isn't good to hear on my end?

Thank you...very confused and not processing it well. Yes I should have known better!

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Shes not worth it. send her a message saying please dont message be again if you do i will tell your husband.

 

Theres lots of single woman out there, that wont treat you like this.

 

I know saying run is easy for me but for u maybe hard with feelings. but at the end of the day more pain will come

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eye of the storm

She isn't and wasn't your best friend. The affair fog just made it seem like she was.

 

 

You only know what she told you. She may/may not have had these conversations with her H. And neither of you know how he would have reacted.

 

 

As are not like any other relationship, they are more like addictions.

 

 

Your questions:

  1. is she hurting? maybe, who knows, it doesn't matter. She is dealing with her choices and her consequences
  2. Do I call? no, she told you she was done. respect that
  3. If someday they break up? She will call you or won't. Nothing you do will change that.
  4. Romantic card? This is not hallmark. She had an A, she decided to go back to her H or she found a more local AP and dumped you.
  5. If you wait? Yes you are prolonging your ability to find a relationship that is not built on lies and deceit.
  6. If you call? there is no timeline. There is nothing she can say that will give you closure. Because no matter what her reasons are they will not make sense to you.

 

I am sorry you are hurting. Trying to keep yourself in her life will only hurt you more.

 

 

Lots of APs want to know they mattered. But the reality of it is, they didn't matter enough. I am in the same boat so I am not poking at you. I am just trying to get you to see. She chose him, not you. She cut you off. Why really doesn't matter.

 

 

If she tells you that its because of finances or the child, you will start agonizing about her being locked in a tower trapped by the evil H. Rescuing her will be your reason for living, your entire focus.

 

 

If she tells you its just easier, then you will up your game and start love bombing her to show her you are the better man. Which will keep you locked in the A and unable to move on. And she will still stay with him.

 

 

If she tells you she just didn't feel like it was worth the effort, you will feel like crap.

 

 

What can she tell you that will allow you to move on and be free? Nothing.

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CantTakeMySmile

She chose him, not you. She cut you off. Why really doesn't matter.

 

If she tells you that its because of finances or the child, you will start agonizing about her being locked in a tower trapped by the evil H. Rescuing her will be your reason for living, your entire focus.

If she tells you its just easier, then you will up your game and start love bombing her to show her you are the better man. Which will keep you locked in the A and unable to move on. And she will still stay with him.

 

What can she tell you that will allow you to move on and be free? Nothing.[/QUOTE]

 

 

 

^^^^^^^THIS^^^^^^

 

 

Right on! Truer than true!

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livinglargecj

Thank you so much for the reply. If I think logically then it all makes perfect sense. Unfortunately I would have never let this go this far if I only could have let logic beat out the emotional side. I have anxiety that as single middle age Dad in a small town that someone like this rarely crosses paths...that is how I justified it all to begin with. So to be honest it is fresh and I can’t let the hope go that they are not compatible eventually. How do I let that emotion go? Time? Cause you are right a call could be harmful.

 

I guess because things changed in a matter of 48 hours is what is screwing me up and yes I could probably hurt so much more if I hear something like you mentioned.

 

I am a victim of infidelity and my ex wife left...that’s what my precedent was and anticipated it could happen. Why I turned around and did the same after being hurt so bad I have no idea...I plan to seek counseling.

 

I guess she chose what was right when my ex wife took the selfish path.

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Here is what happened...

 

Her husband has some balls. And her marriage was probably not as bad as she described, they all say that.

 

She told him what was going on and he said he would divorce her. Then she freaked out and realize that you would not be able to keep her in the life style that she has become accustomed.

 

So, you got dumped. It really is as simple as that.

 

And BTW, this was an affair, not a relationship, the rules are different.

 

Just move on.

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Hello there, Livinglargecj, and welcome to LoveShack :)

 

For the record, proclamations of a "poor" marriage is not a "good" reason to cheat on a partner. It is also one of the top excuses in the cheater handbook.

 

The 180 turn is a rejection, and it would help you to see it as such. I, like others, am sorry you are hurting now, but if you close this door now, your pain will lessen eventually.

 

Do NOT allow this to linger. See it for what it was, and let it be finished.

That means, no contact to her or from her, if she balks later about her decision (which happens A LOT).

 

You have mentioned in your post that you don't understand why you became the other man to this MW although your ex-wife left you for her OM. This is what you should focus on. If you can get to the bottom of why you allowed yourself to become a party to this affair, you are likely to become much more aware of inappropriate/predatory/suspicious flirting and behavior in the future and not repeat this mistake.

 

You have asked some questions...

 

Is she hurting for me too?? If not, man it feels cheap.

She may or may not be. But you should be focused on the fact that your hurt doesn't mean too much to her considering that she has rejected you. She may be hurting for you, but she was OK to let you go. The situation may make you feel cheap, but I am so happy that you do not think you are cheap. Affairs have a propensity to degrade self-worth. Be glad it is finished and leave the door closed.

 

So do I call to get what I think I need to hear?

Do NOT call, do not write, do not send carrier pigeons or smoke signals. No Contact.

 

If someday (months out) they are not able to be repaired, does it serve me better to not call?

I think so. Refraining from contacting her means you respect her decision and you respect yourself. I think self-respect is highly valuable. You won't know about their marriage, because you will not be in contact and you will be out living your life with your child and your friends and family... she and her marriage will become an afterthought. If she ever contacts you, you would do well to leave that door closed unless she has a divorce decree in hand, has had some significant amount of time alone, and has worked out her issues ... like what made her think it was OK to cheat on her husband...

 

Or do I pull the romantic card and say if you love something, you go back after it at some point?

Sentiment gets in the way of logic and practicality. If you love someone, and they let you go... you state your case at the time of the break up, if that has no bearing on their decision, you let them go. If they come back to you (please see coming back requirements above), then you will cross that bridge when you come to it. In the meantime, move on and live your life to the best of your ability. This may mean that you won't even want her back if she does come back...

 

Is there a period of time where she begins reflecting on what she had to end versus the affair disclosure?

She is not likely to forget you, and she may reflect on your affair. Since she has decided to stay with her husband, this means nothing at all to you or your well-being. All you need to know really is that she made a choice. She has to deal with the consequences of making that choice.

 

If I wait then I am prolonging my own moving on?

Absolutely, a thousand times over. In the meantime, she is moving on, as in progressing, in her life with her husband and child.

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eye of the storm
...I have anxiety that as single middle age Dad in a small town that someone like this rarely crosses paths...that is how I justified it all to begin with. So to be honest it is fresh and I can’t let the hope go that they are not compatible eventually. Its fresh because its new. Compatible or no, she choses him. You are just someone to cheat with.

...

I am a victim of infidelity and my ex wife left...So you decided to find a new woman who felt lying and cheating were ok.

 

I guess she chose what was right when my ex wife took the selfish path Your wife and your AP took the same path. Lying and cheating. Maybe your W realized there was no M to save, maybe your AP wanted to save hers.

 

 

You are already trying to rewrite the history of your A to make her seem tragic. Why is your xW selfish but your AP not? They did the same thing! Just one to you and one with you.

 

Here is a good rule of thumb, if you have to justify a relationship....its not a good relationship.

 

Spend some time grieving the loss of your M, spend some time getting comfortable being a single dad. Then and only then look to find someone that makes your life fuller. Notice I said fuller not full. Because you have created a full rich life for you and your child already.

 

Don't settle because someone is convenient and gives you butterflies. Butterflies have a short lifespan.

Edited by eye of the storm
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FoundMyStrength
Everything was going great and then something got to her and in the matter of 2 days she made a 180 turn and decided she was gonna tell him about everything and to 'maybe' to do what she 'should do' and work on her marriage. That was the last time we spoke.

 

As a fOW, I was not quite in your situation. But I did do a sharp 180 degree turn on my xMM, so I can maybe provide some insight there. During the affair, which was mostly EA/some PA, I was so conflicted. I fell in love, I cared for him deeply. But I also knew, in a very fundamental way, that the way I was carrying on was so wrong, so morally bankrupt.

 

And eventually it got to me. From my xMM's perspective, I imagine it looked like a 180. One day this, the next day that. But it was actually weeks and weeks of anguish and guilt. I hated myself for what we were doing. I felt ashamed. I couldn't look at myself in the mirror. So I sent him a final email, locked myself out of our secret email account and said goodbye forever.

 

She may love you, as I loved him. But it just got to be too much. He wasn't leaving his wife, I wasn't going to ever be a long-term OW. I couldn't breathe from the pain, much less live a happy life. Maybe this is what happened to your MW. Maybe she just got tired of living a lie. That doesn't mean she can't simultaneously still love and care about you.

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Same as Found My Strength.

 

xMM would say I did a 180 on him.

 

Actually it was a long time coming. There were several upsets in the months leading up to my abrupt final text.

 

He called me an OUTLET a couple of months before I dumped him, in a joking kind of way, then apologised very quickly. It stuck with me and I have never gotten it out of my head.

 

I started to ask him questions about some other issues that I couldn't understand and he coldly shut me down. That stayed with me also.

 

He was pressuring me to go on an overseas trip to India for 3 weeks, as single travellers but meeting up on the tour. It was obviously a far fetched plan that nobody in their right mind would attempt and I refused.

 

The week before I dumped him, he went with his wife on a short "break" interstate. Tried to tell me he was doing it to earn brownie points towards his overseas trip with me.... which would never have happened anyway.

 

That was it! One text and he has been gone for a long time with no communication of any kind.

 

Do I feel bad about the way I left after so many years? NO! It has become clear to me that he only cared about himself and how he could manipulate me and his wife. I believe that this was a very disturbed person with some kind of personality disorder. I regard him as a very dangerous individual with a capacity to inflict emotional carnage on other people without a thought.

 

My final decision to get rid of him was spur of the moment, an explosion of hurt and frustration. Breaking point.

 

Poppy

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Is she hurting for me too?? If not, man it feels cheap.

Very probably

 

 

So do I call to get what I think I need to hear?

No. You don't need to hear. You need her back. Calling won't help with that because it's needy.

 

 

If someday (months out) they are not able to be repaired, does it serve me better to not call?

Don't call. Leave it with her.

 

 

Or do I pull the romantic card and say if you love something, you go back after it at some point?

If you want her to want you, take the action that shows the most self-respect. That action is to say "whatever" to yourself and get on with your life.

 

 

Is there a period of time where she begins reflecting on what she had to end versus the affair disclosure?

??

 

 

If I wait then I am prolonging my own moving on?

Absolutely.

 

 

If I choose to call, how long do I wait until she is in a place that I can get an explanation...even if it isn't good to hear on my end?

The ball is in her court. If she wants you she will be in touch. Otherwise your call with just make her uncomfortable and make you seem needy, no matter how far in the future.

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Same as Found My Strength.

 

xMM would say I did a 180 on him.

 

Actually it was a long time coming. There were several upsets in the months leading up to my abrupt final text.

 

He called me an OUTLET a couple of months before I dumped him, in a joking kind of way, then apologised very quickly. It stuck with me and I have never gotten it out of my head.

 

I started to ask him questions about some other issues that I couldn't understand and he coldly shut me down. That stayed with me also.

 

He was pressuring me to go on an overseas trip to India for 3 weeks, as single travellers but meeting up on the tour. It was obviously a far fetched plan that nobody in their right mind would attempt and I refused.

 

The week before I dumped him, he went with his wife on a short "break" interstate. Tried to tell me he was doing it to earn brownie points towards his overseas trip with me.... which would never have happened anyway.

 

That was it! One text and he has been gone for a long time with no communication of any kind.

 

Do I feel bad about the way I left after so many years? NO! It has become clear to me that he only cared about himself and how he could manipulate me and his wife. I believe that this was a very disturbed person with some kind of personality disorder. I regard him as a very dangerous individual with a capacity to inflict emotional carnage on other people without a thought.

 

My final decision to get rid of him was spur of the moment, an explosion of hurt and frustration. Breaking point.

 

Poppy

 

This.

 

My xMM would also say that I did a 180 on him. And it might seem that way but it had been building up over a long period of time.

 

- he constantly discarded me (often for months)

 

- he refused to talk about things

 

- when I tried to talk about things, he shut me down and punished me with more silence until I was the good silent 'gf/ OW' again

 

- after that, he returned and always expected me to be all ready for his return, never mind that he did not once apologize for what he did to me. No, why would he? He was ALWAYS in the 'right' (he wasn't).

 

And all this built up until I could no longer take it anymore. It was either going silent on HIM or going crazy and ending up in a mental hospital.

 

So that's what I did as my very last resort: I stopped speaking to him. I didn't even try to explain to him anymore about what I was thinking. After all, for all these years , he NEVER cared about my explanations or my thoughts. He laughed at me when I asked crying if I did something 'wrong' to deserve his silence. For all these years, I would do ANYTHING to make things right again, even though I had absolutely no idea what it was that I did 'wrong'!

 

And then when I went quiet on him, I figured that he doesn't care for 'explanations' or 'goodbyes' or whatever. After all, he never bothered to talk to me about his thoughts or my thoughts.

 

What Poppy said here:

 

 

Do I feel bad about the way I left after so many years? NO! It has become clear to me that he only cared about himself and how he could manipulate me and his wife. I believe that this was a very disturbed person with some kind of personality disorder. I regard him as a very dangerous individual with a capacity to inflict emotional carnage on other people without a thought.

 

 

... is how I feel too. My xmm is a very manipulative person , very disturbed. Like Poppy, I see him as dangerous with the capacity to inflict emotional carnage on other people WITHOUT a thought!

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