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Question for those doing NC ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 2nd February 2018, 11:29 PM   #46
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It is so helpful to read these posts and see other people struggling with the same issues. The sense of powerlessness and injustice, feeling like you never mattered and it was all for nothing. GreyCloud Iím exactly where you say you used to be. Feeling stuck and going over everything over and over, wishing he would say or do something to take away the pain or show that he cares, and hopelessness always sets in. Reading these posts gives me a glimmer of hope that one day I will be able to stop blaming myself and get past this pain too. OP you are doing great. NC is so hard, especially when you actually cared about someone and miss them (or who you thought they were - that difference is hard to wrap oneís mind around). I suppose itís better to be a person who really cares and has a full heart rather than the alternative, even if that means being hurt. Narcissistically inclined men who put their own interests first are incapable of having that kind of empathy. Doesnít make it hurt any less, but we have to keep reading these boards and reminding ourselves over and over that these men will never give us what we want, will never understand and appreciate the pain they caused, and do not deserve our love and devotion, until we believe it. I sound way more confident than I feel about it but maybe sounding like it is one step towards believing it!
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:05 AM   #47
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Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.
I'm not looking to be harsh, just giving you another way to look at it.

I'm sure you care about your husband, but it didn't stop you from having the affair and now obsessing about what it meant to MM. I guessing that MM is the same, I'm sure he cared about you but it doesn't mean he wanted his life to change for you.

Do you think your husband would feel similar about your marriage and you as you now do about the affair and MM? How would you explain to husband that you do care about him and didn't want to hurt him?

Again, I think answering those questions of yourself would give you some insight into MM.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 11:53 AM   #48
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Narcissistically inclined men who put their own interests first are incapable of having that kind of empathy. Doesnít make it hurt any less, but we have to keep reading these boards and reminding ourselves over and over that these men will never give us what we want, will never understand and appreciate the pain they caused, and do not deserve our love and devotion, until we believe it. I sound way more confident than I feel about it but maybe sounding like it is one step towards believing it!
Thanks for posting this WCN (whatcomesnext). It's a good reminder. I just hate the injustice of it all, that he gets to go on without a care and throw me aside. I will never understand people like that.

All these posts really help me, I feel like someone understands and that I am not all alone. I do not have a friend I can talk to this about because I am also married and no one knows. So thank you again. I am feeling a bit needy these days, so may be posting a lot.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 1:49 PM   #49
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I know exactly how you feel Scout. I am also married, although my husband does know (I told him). Maybe it was easier for me to tell because mine was an EA. Doesnít make it better from my perspective, but I think my husband views it differently because it wasnít physical. I havenít posted my own story because I really just need support and am not looking to debate the morality of adultery. I have been extremely depressed and am doing IC twice a week as a result of this whole thing. I get that adultery is wrong but I think sometimes people need to be careful when choosing their words and not be too harsh because you never know where someone is mentally and emotionally. For me reading harsh words can twist my feelings and make me feel more hopeless and misunderstood which is not a good place to be if you are already struggling to move forward with life. I fell in love and thought it was once in a lifetime. Naive, naive. Now I have to live with the pain and consequences. My MM discarded me very coldly without any recognition of what we shared or any closure. I know closure is a relative term, but this man had me turned so upside down to the point where I completely lost my entire sense of self. It was all about him. I couldnít think about anything else and felt I would literally die without him. Then he just disappeared on me and when I confronted him about it (with my heart on my sleeve) acted like everything was fine. Told me he needed to focus on some things, wasnít mad at me and it was all good. He erased me like I never happened. Threw me away like garbage and ran away like a coward in the face of my pain and confusion. I still see him regularly and it is so painful. I keep trying to remind myself that he is not worth it and that his actions speak to his true character. Though it is very difficult to mourn both reality and fantasy/illusion at once.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 1:56 PM   #50
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I'm not looking to be harsh, just giving you another way to look at it.

I'm sure you care about your husband, but it didn't stop you from having the affair and now obsessing about what it meant to MM. I guessing that MM is the same, I'm sure he cared about you but it doesn't mean he wanted his life to change for you.

Do you think your husband would feel similar about your marriage and you as you now do about the affair and MM? How would you explain to husband that you do care about him and didn't want to hurt him?

Again, I think answering those questions of yourself would give you some insight into MM.
DKT3 has a valid point here. I think sometimes us WW find it "easier" to focus on the MM and why he did what he did rather than focusing on ourselves and why we did what we did. Because us WW focusing on why we made the choices we did is really hard to face. It's hard to look in the mirror and accept the choices we made, to realize we've been a hurtful person too.

Maybe the next time you feel like reaching out, think about this aspect. How would your H feel if you said you ended the A, but yet you still would reach out through texts periodically? Reframe things from a different perspective.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:11 PM   #51
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WCN, you really need to think about this...

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Originally Posted by whatcomesnext View Post
I know exactly how you feel Scout. I am also married, although my husband does know (I told him). Maybe it was easier for me to tell because mine was an EA. Doesnít make it better from my perspective, but I think my husband views it differently because it wasnít physical. I havenít posted my own story because I really just need support and am not looking to debate the morality of adultery. I have been extremely depressed and am doing IC twice a week as a result of this whole thing. I get that adultery is wrong but I think sometimes people need to be careful when choosing their words and not be too harsh because you never know where someone is mentally and emotionally. For me reading harsh words can twist my feelings and make me feel more hopeless and misunderstood which is not a good place to be if you are already struggling to move forward with life. I fell in love and thought it was once in a lifetime. Naive, naive. Now I have to live with the pain and consequences. My MM discarded me very coldly without any recognition of what we shared or any closure. I know closure is a relative term, but this man had me turned so upside down to the point where I completely lost my entire sense of self. It was all about him. I couldnít think about anything else and felt I would literally die without him. Then he just disappeared on me and when I confronted him about it (with my heart on my sleeve) acted like everything was fine. Told me he needed to focus on some things, wasnít mad at me and it was all good. He erased me like I never happened. Threw me away like garbage and ran away like a coward in the face of my pain and confusion. I still see him regularly and it is so painful. I keep trying to remind myself that he is not worth it and that his actions speak to his true character. Though it is very difficult to mourn both reality and fantasy/illusion at once.
Again, like DTK, and not to be harsh, but girl you need to check yourself here.

Probably, the only reason your husband is still with you is because you did not sleep with him. But don't think that you did not hurt him to the core.

Yes men see that physical as more important, but we all know that men can be stupid as well. You already disrespected him and your marriage more than you even realize, and why did you not get physical?

Was is distance, or some other factor? Don't think that even if your husband is emotionally dense, that he has not thought about this possibility.

So the point is in bold, yes dear you (we all) deserve some harsh words, because what you did was horrible and we also, as well as your husband, we also know that if the opportunity had presented itself... You would have gotten physical.

Does that make it better, does that make it less of an affair, does that make it less hurtful to your husband? I don't think so.

And you focusing on the fantasy of the emotional affair, doesn't allow you to actually look and understand what you have done to your marriage.

That is what you don't want to look at... what you did, and you feel like it is maybe was not as bad because you did not sleep with him.

You see you have to look at yourself, and that is something almost no one wants to do.

But if you are to grow as a person, that is what you have to do...
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:40 PM   #52
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I was speaking from my husbandís perspective, not from mine. I have no illusion that an EA is any better than a PA. From my own perspective I think an EA is worse. Regardless of whether we slept together or not I still thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. I am in no denial about any of that or what it means. I have my own harsh words for myself that run through my mind daily. I told my husband and we are trying to work through it. It is up to him and me to determine what I deserve or not in this situation. I donít think anyone here knows me or my life or history or my marriage to say one way or the other what I deserve, how I should feel or whether what I felt or did is horrible or not. As I said, I am doing IC and trying to work through everything that happened. That includes looking at how I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to MM to begin with and to face the pain it caused others. But in therapy you also have to deal with the immediate crisis first. Whether I should ever have become involved or not, it doesnít change that I did become invested and that the entire dynamic of the relationship caused me to lose myself entirely - this relationship triggered a very toxic/unhealthy dynamic that shattered me to my core, my entire sense of self and understanding of my value and worth on this earth. I have to get myself back in order to become a whole person again who is capable of being in any relationship, with my husband or with anybody else.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 3:05 PM   #53
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Look at your posts...

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Originally Posted by whatcomesnext View Post
I was speaking from my husbandís perspective, not from mine. I have no illusion that an EA is any better than a PA. From my own perspective I think an EA is worse. Regardless of whether we slept together or not I still thought I loved him and wanted to be with him. I am in no denial about any of that or what it means. I have my own harsh words for myself that run through my mind daily. I told my husband and we are trying to work through it. It is up to him and me to determine what I deserve or not in this situation. I donít think anyone here knows me or my life or history or my marriage to say one way or the other what I deserve, how I should feel or whether what I felt or did is horrible or not. As I said, I am doing IC and trying to work through everything that happened. That includes looking at how I allowed myself to become emotionally attached to MM to begin with and to face the pain it caused others. But in therapy you also have to deal with the immediate crisis first. Whether I should ever have become involved or not, it doesnít change that I did become invested and that the entire dynamic of the relationship caused me to lose myself entirely - this relationship triggered a very toxic/unhealthy dynamic that shattered me to my core, my entire sense of self and understanding of my value and worth on this earth. I have to get myself back in order to become a whole person again who is capable of being in any relationship, with my husband or with anybody else.
Look at your posts...

And look, no need to get defensive. But in getting defensive, I think I shows where your head is at. Your head, from what I read is all about you. How you feel, how you don't think we should be harsh.

And that is what I was getting at with the last post. You have the responsibility to work on yourself and start helping your husband heal from your infidelity.

And why don't you what to answer any of the questions that I asked?

You see, I don't know you or all the things that your husband has done that were wrong. But there are some axioms that always apply. 1) There is never a reason to have an affair, never. 2) When you do, if your spouse takes you back and you want to stay, it is your job to help them heal from YOUR infidelity. 3) Almost all affairs are the same, with minor differences..

Yes you have to work on yourself. But how is your husband feeling? What has he said?

When I hear a WW talking about how she is "dealing with all of the pain" I ask.... Yeah what about her husbands pain? I wonder how he is feeling.

I am not dogging you here, I am no better, and probably worse than you.

But as someone who has lived both sides of this issue, I sometimes have a unique perspective.

So don't get defensive, try to see if you can understand what I am trying to get you to think about.

It may be helpful down the road...
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Old 3rd February 2018, 4:17 PM   #54
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DKT3 has a valid point here. I think sometimes us WW find it "easier" to focus on the MM and why he did what he did rather than focusing on ourselves and why we did what we did. Because us WW focusing on why we made the choices we did is really hard to face. It's hard to look in the mirror and accept the choices we made, to realize we've been a hurtful person too.

Maybe the next time you feel like reaching out, think about this aspect. How would your H feel if you said you ended the A, but yet you still would reach out through texts periodically? Reframe things from a different perspective.
I know, and I have been trying to focus on myself...meaning working on myself as a person. I think I know "why" it happened. A combination of not getting attention from my spouse, feeling insecure at my job and vulnerable (this affair started at a work function) and too much alcohol, someone paying attention to me and making me feel wanted. It's kind of interesting, because in the beginning when he was love bombing me, I thought there was something wrong with him (I didn't know about love bombing). He went to visit my hometown -- without me because he said he "wanted to get to know me better." I thought that kind of odd.

Anyway, I don't want to rehash the whole thing. My husband would be very hurt if he found out. So every day I was doing NC I was doing it for more than myself, I was doing it for my DH and for MM's wife. Somehow I lost sight of that last week when I reached out to him. I do feel a sense of injustice, which I don't really have a right to feel since I was the one who cheated. It just seems that MM get to go on their merry way and pick up their lives as if nothing happened. Maybe men are just wired differently. I DO want answers. That's the way I've always been with a lot of things. I always want to know "WHY."

I have been seeing a therapist, but I think it has run its course. I tell her I am doing NC and she keeps bringing up the notion that he might be back, and what will I do then. Not sure what my point is here...just rambling.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 4:21 PM   #55
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Wcn -

I think I feel the same way about the harsh words. I guess I'm sensitive. I've never been one those people who can "just snap out of it" I do envy those people. But I do feel like the harsh words make me feel a little hopeless too, even though rationally I know why they are being said to me.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 4:35 PM   #56
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My husband seems fine. He hasnít said or acted like he is any pain. He hasnít even expressed any anger at me or even regarding MM, who he knows and still speaks to when he sees him. Maybe because it wasnít physical he canít wrap his mind around the import of it. Maybe he thinks Iíve lost my mind (he is probably right if he does). I canít speak for him, can only tell you how heís acted. Iíve asked him - ďarenít you angry? Arenít you x, y? How can you still love me?Ē He says he does and believes everything is going to be fine. Weíve been married a long time and the deep depression Iíve found myself in is not something heís ever seen in me before. I think he is worried about my state of mind. As they say on airplanes ďyou need to put your own oxygen mask on first before you assist others.Ē Just because infidelity is involved does not take away that the WS has suffered a loss. It is not either/or. Thinking about your spouseís pain does not mean you donít also have your own pain to work through. That pain runs much deeper than MM. They say affairs rip you apart from the inside and put all of your unaddressed emotional baggage on display. It is true. Ironically my whole point in posting to Scout was because I did NOT want to get into all of this. Iím on here trying to read and get/give support because in order to move on and heal I have to be able to take MM off the pedestal, see him for who he really is, and stop idealizing the faux reality we were living in. That is part of the process.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 4:39 PM   #57
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Funny, Scout. My therapist has done the same thing re asking me what I will do or say if he comes back. It frustrates me because I donít believe he is ever ďcoming backĒ but I guess narcissistic types have a tendency to revisit the rubble they left behind to make sure the infrastructure hasnít been stabilized in their absence.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 4:59 PM   #58
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I think it's true that, at first, a WW has to work on her own pain in order to become strong enough to face the reasons why she made the choices she did. However, if there's a d-day, she also...at the same time...has to support the BH too. Unfortunately she doesn't have the luxury of figuring things out first. Scout, since you haven't had a d-day, you do have that luxury.

I'm glad you're working on yourself...that's a very positive step. One thing I will say...you say you think you know why. Well, I say, keep digging. Whenever I had an "aha" moment and I would share it with my BH, he'd say: "OK. Keep going. Keep peeling that onion."

Good grief that would piss me off. Here I was sharing, working through it, and he kept asking me to do more! You know what? He was right. I kept digging and digging until there was nothing left to dig. My first attempt at "why," while still viable, was minimal compared to my final (for now) "why." I am so glad he made me keep going. So don't give up yet...keep working. It is worth it, truly.

As for the harsh words...when I joined this site, there was zero moderation. Man, the things people would write about WW. I didn't join or post for months because of the really bad stuff people would say about or to WWs. But I did and I was on the receiving end (I can still remember those user names 7+ years later!).

And I realized that the posts that pissed me off the most...the ones that made me shut the laptop, block someone...were because they touched a nerve. A nerve I needed to look at and examine and work through. Maybe one isn't ready to hear what is being said behind the post, but I do think for true healing one has to listen to all sides. This isn't a unicorns and rainbows situation, so harsh words are kind of a given, unfortunately.

I'm sorry that I can't tell you that healing from an A as a WW is easy and done over a short time. It is a truly humbling and vulnerable experience. But the road ends up in a much better place where we are stronger and healthier in both ourselves and our relationships. Good luck.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:02 PM   #59
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One more thing...my xAP never did contact me again. But I did have a plan in place. And I felt so much better just to have a plan in place just in case. And I've never used it in 8+ years, but that doesn't matter. I felt more confident in myself knowing I had my own plan ready to go. It can't hurt to come up with one.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 5:04 PM   #60
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Funny, Scout. My therapist has done the same thing re asking me what I will do or say if he comes back. It frustrates me because I donít believe he is ever ďcoming backĒ but I guess narcissistic types have a tendency to revisit the rubble they left behind to make sure the infrastructure hasnít been stabilized in their absence.
I don't believe my is ever coming back either, the point is proven because he has not responded to me. Probably for the best.
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