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Question for those doing NC ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 2nd February 2018, 1:46 PM   #31
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I think you are right Blues Power

Yes, I guess he did use me. Itís a bad feeling. I am mad at myself. I donít know why Iím having trouble moving on. I know heís a bad person. Maybe part of me wants him to know it. Not that it would make a difference. Heís a narcissist so he had no feelings of remorse.

I have been trying to focus more on myself and husband/family. It has been good. I donít know why I sabotaged myself!!
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Old 2nd February 2018, 1:50 PM   #32
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rumblefish12 View Post
Scout: I'm 3 weeks in NC this time around. Thank you for sharing. I'm sorry you are going through this. It's all progress. An attempt at breaking NC gets you one step closer to where you're ready to be done. AND, you were kind enough to share that lesson with us. I had a white-knuckle moment yesterday. It passed fortunately. If it happens again today (usually in the afternoon) I'm going to read your post for support. Keep going and keep sharing.
Iím glad it was helpful. Keep going. Iím going to try to take my own advice!
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Old 2nd February 2018, 1:57 PM   #33
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Listen...

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Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
Yes, I guess he did use me. Itís a bad feeling. I am mad at myself. I donít know why Iím having trouble moving on. I know heís a bad person. Maybe part of me wants him to know it. Not that it would make a difference. Heís a narcissist so he had no feelings of remorse.

I have been trying to focus more on myself and husband/family. It has been good. I donít know why I sabotaged myself!!
Listen... Once I really wanted someone to understand how much I loved them and how much they had hurt me.

I tried so long to try to get them to understand, it was a fools errand. People like this, really cannot see what they have done, or don't care, or whatever.

There is no way to make them see that, and their never will be.

Try to focus on your marriage or get out of it an focus on you.

Because focusing on him and trying to make him understand will never happen.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 2:48 PM   #34
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[QUOTE=Scoutjr;7528511]I went almost two months without contacting him. 8 weeks to be exact. Last night I sent a text asking if I was blocked.


Two questions. Why did you care if you were blocked? And how do you feel now that you contacted him?
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Old 2nd February 2018, 3:03 PM   #35
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Thank you

Thank you blues power. That was actually pretty helpful. I guess I want other people to know how awful he is. But yes, time to move on and forget him. Thank you for giving me the benefit of your experience.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 3:10 PM   #36
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[QUOTE=CantTakeMySmile;7528613]
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
I went almost two months without contacting him. 8 weeks to be exact. Last night I sent a text asking if I was blocked.


Two questions. Why did you care if you were blocked? And how do you feel now that you contacted him?
I didnít think it through, I guess. And how do I feel now? Lousy.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 4:29 PM   #37
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Shut the door now.

You sent out a breadcrumb and even though he has not replied (at the moment), the next time he is "available" he will reply. He will use you again. You must find the strength to block his reply. Do it for your family, for your husband, but most of all, do it for all the reasons you post to LS. Do not discard the fantastic work you have done, for a moment of need. You will feel worse if you leave this door open.

Dig down deep and press block. Do it right now.

Last edited by Cullenbohannon; 2nd February 2018 at 4:35 PM..
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Old 2nd February 2018, 5:22 PM   #38
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Sorry this happened... hang in there - I know it totally sucks- I'm going through the same and the same feelings. They are an addiction and I hate it. Think it's worse when they don't respond- at least for me. Know you are not alone and post to us when you are feeling week.

Whenever I'm having problems staying away I come here and re-read all the posts and it sets my head back on track
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Old 2nd February 2018, 5:37 PM   #39
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I know how you feel. It's been 6 weeks NC for me and I am positively sure the guy used me--he was my professor...should have seen that one coming! Lol. I am not sophisticated at all though! I did not even know what NC was and that my ex was doing it to me on purpose! Lol. Oh well, we live and we learn, right...I just wonder if the tuition I paid for his class covered the NC rule...I don't remember seeing that on my University bill statement...hmmm...maybe he was kind enough to give me a freebie?!
I am getting a kitten tomorrow-just like my screen name suggests...I am crazy, love cats, and I am a lady most of the time...
Maybe you could get a new pet to snuggle and hold and love to create a distraction...
Do something nice for yourself, something that you would love that he should have done for you if he had cared at all...it would have been so sweet for my ex to bring me a kitten on Christmas when he decided to push me and scream at me and break it off for good by telling me what an awful person I was. See, I know how to be kind to myself, even he wasn't. That's how I get through my NC nowadays.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 5:40 PM   #40
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Fool's errand. I like that, Blues. It pretty much sums up the millions of pointless attempts we folks here on LS have spent desperately trying to understand our MM's/MW's.

Scout, let me ask you...was there wine involved? I ask, mainly because my own urges to reach out are much stronger after a glass (or three). In fact, I believe most of our arguments and even the breakups are spurred on by booze (on my end, he is not a drinker). Anyway, I came here tonight just to stay safe and found your post about breaking NC. The way I see it, you are STILL in such a good place from where you used to be. You cannot beat yourself up, especially because of how you actually feel about reaching out (lousy). You're not hopeful, you're not excited at the prospect of him responding, it all just feels crap now. That should be more reinforcement that the end IS THE RIGHT THING. Nothing feels good about this anymore! So that's what's necessary to keep soldiering on.

What is your free time filled with this weekend? Fill it. Keep it full of activity to keep that mind active and free from lousy xMM thoughts! And keep posting! Your own thread inspired me to respond. It helps!
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Old 2nd February 2018, 6:04 PM   #41
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Aww thanks

You guys are the best. I just have to realize he is a jerk. I guess I was looking for some kind of ďjustice.Ē I just hate feeling like I donít matter and he used me. What is wrong with these people! Iím gaining a lot of strength from all of you!
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Old 2nd February 2018, 7:53 PM   #42
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One thing I learnt (the hard way!) is that these MM are NOT thinking about us the same way we do them. In fact, we have been placed squarely in a box. They move on very quickly with their life and donít continue to daydream, obsess and fantasise in the same way! They have either moved on to another OW or content with keeping their good image intact with their wife.

I think Rumble and Jenkins are the only exceptions (in terms of thinking about their OW) but the majority donít look back.

This helped me let go and move on but it took me a long time to realise this fact.

Last edited by Grey Cloud; 2nd February 2018 at 7:59 PM..
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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:31 PM   #43
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That makes me sad

Quote:
Originally Posted by Grey Cloud View Post
One thing I learnt (the hard way!) is that these MM are NOT thinking about us the same way we do them. In fact, we have been placed squarely in a box. They move on very quickly with their life and donít continue to daydream, obsess and fantasise in the same way! They have either moved on to another OW or content with keeping their good image intact with their wife.

I think Rumble and Jenkins are the only exceptions (in terms of thinking about their OW) but the majority donít look back.

This helped me let go and move on but it took me a long time to realise this fact.
You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:26 PM   #44
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I made a list and keep it on my phone and on my computer desktop at work (the title of the document is STOP) listing out all the reasons I need to stay away from xMM, all the things he's done that have hurt me. I pull that list up when I'm feeling weak and I read it and remember how I felt over each incident. That usually snaps me out of it, for at least a little while.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 10:56 PM   #45
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Scoutjr View Post
You are probably right Grey Cloud. It's hard to grasp that you really meant nothing to the OM. I'm not sure that helps me move on...it just makes me angry!!! Maybe I will get there one day.
You did mean something in the beginning - I would have said my xMM was head over heels for me at the start. But was it ME or was it just limerance? Was it me specifically or just an ego boost and validation and a distraction from everyday life and responsibility?

There was attraction and feelings I’m sure for each of these MM. But they are better at recognising for what it is - an affair, not a replacement for their wife. A bit of fun. We get stuck on what it all meant. And let’s face it if it’s all for nothing it’s a very hard truth to face.

When it ended I really was stuck for ages. Going through everything over and over. There were a few times when I spoke to xMM and it was obvious it wasn’t the same for him. I was a happy memory but a distant one. I wasn’t constantly in his thoughts. Yes it made me angry and yes it made me sad but I used that to snap out of my obsession as best I could. Why should I remain in the past when he clearly had moved on with the view of “it was fun while it lasted but it couldn’t continue because I was never planning on leaving my wife”.

They may have cared for the OW and may continue to do so but not enough to disrupt their life.

Last edited by Grey Cloud; 2nd February 2018 at 11:17 PM..
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