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Question for those doing NC ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 5th March 2018, 10:04 PM   #136
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Sounds like you were rejected/abandoned and it's coming out in your dreams, that's all. And a sign you are on the right path with no contact. He's married, he won't leave the wife for you. And your subconscious knows that.
We are both married, and I never expected him to leave his wife.
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Old 14th March 2018, 3:11 PM   #137
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Sometimes I feel like ex-MM is my enemy

I know thatís not healthy, and I have to erase him like he erased me, but sometimes I canít help feeling that way.
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Old 14th March 2018, 3:49 PM   #138
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I know thatís not healthy, and I have to erase him like he erased me, but sometimes I canít help feeling that way.
I know how you feel. I am sure my xAP feels that way. I kinda feel that way about her sometimes. I'm not sure it could be avoided. And if it keeps us NC, then that's okay in the end. I feel like I'll reach a point of neutrality about her, but not soon.
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Old 14th March 2018, 4:07 PM   #139
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I know how you feel. I am sure my xAP feels that way. I kinda feel that way about her sometimes. I'm not sure it could be avoided. And if it keeps us NC, then that's okay in the end. I feel like I'll reach a point of neutrality about her, but not soon.
I donít know that it helps keep me in NC. It makes me angry and wish to tell him off. (Iíve been NC for almost 5 weeks after my last break.)
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Old 14th March 2018, 5:46 PM   #140
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Hi Scout,

The longer I am in NC, the more I feel hostility towards xMM. In actual fact his IS your worst enemy.

This person never had your best interests at heart. He never loved you with the kind of love that would want only the best for you.

You are wise to regard him as your enemy.
Poppy.
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Old 14th March 2018, 5:59 PM   #141
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Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
Hi Scout,

The longer I am in NC, the more I feel hostility towards xMM. In actual fact his IS your worst enemy.

This person never had your best interests at heart. He never loved you with the kind of love that would want only the best for you.

You are wise to regard him as your enemy.
Poppy.
Iím not sure what to do with this anger. Why is it ceeeping up now?
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Old 14th March 2018, 6:19 PM   #142
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I'm sorry that you're struggling today. I think that anger is a pretty normal emotion considering everything that you have been through with him. What are the different things that are angering you and have been on your mind?
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Old 14th March 2018, 8:59 PM   #143
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I call my xmm Satan, that’s what his contact name is in my phone, even though it’s all over and we are in good terms, that will remain his name!
Only because he put me through hell!
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Old 14th March 2018, 9:09 PM   #144
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I agree with Poppy. Anger is good - it means the spell is broken and you are seeing him for who he really is. Ambivalence would of course be the best, but that takes time. I think anger is a normal part of the healing process.
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Old 14th March 2018, 9:20 PM   #145
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Oh Scout. Our stories are so similar, I completely hear you. Sometimes I wonder if it's self hatred, for letting myself get involved in something so stupid, reckless, and hopeless. Something I knew would hurt.

But agree with the rest that I think anger is a good place. It sure beats hopeless longing...

Someone referenced Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind on another thread. And yeah. I want that. I wish I could magic eraser whatever part of my brain still cares. Of course, the moral of the story there maybe being that when you erase the mistake, you repeat it. So hopefully the pain and anger is teaching us something about 'next time.' Or maybe, even better, that we won't let there be a next time.
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Old 15th March 2018, 9:25 AM   #146
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I agree with Poppy. Anger is good - it means the spell is broken and you are seeing him for who he really is. Ambivalence would of course be the best, but that takes time. I think anger is a normal part of the healing process.
Iím relieved to hear itís normal, but I just wish I didnít have it all. Part of my anger is at myself too as Bourne mentioned below. But Iím also mad that he goes on with his life like nothing ever happened. I know itís not healthy (and maybe it makes me sound crazy), but I want him to feel hurt like he hurt me. I guess if you do truly love someone, you wouldnít wish for that.
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Old 15th March 2018, 12:17 PM   #147
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Scout, I know that feeling well - wishing he could feel even an 1/8th of my pain. I donít think it is necessarily about whether you loved the person or not. Though maybe thereís an element of realizing the person you loved isnít really who MM is underneath it all. I see these feelings more as about wanting to believe you mattered and he really did care about you. If he did then you would expect him to feel some pain and loss as well. Of course none of us really knows what MM is actually thinking or feeling underneath the external facade. For me there is also an element of wishing he could know my pain so he would fully appreciate the damage he caused. When you disappear on someone it is essentially avoidance of responsibility for your actions and of considering the other personís feelings. It is cowardly and immature behavior. By doing it he got to forward past ever seeing or acknowledging the hurt in my face, tears in my eyes, the questions I would have for him, or facing up to the choices he himself made. He could erase me and avoid all of that, try to put it out of his mind like it never happened. In that situation youíd have every right to feel anger. Mine is still internalized too much.
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Old 15th March 2018, 12:30 PM   #148
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Scout, I know that feeling well - wishing he could feel even an 1/8th of my pain. I donít think it is necessarily about whether you loved the person or not. Though maybe thereís an element of realizing the person you loved isnít really who MM is underneath it all. I see these feelings more as about wanting to believe you mattered and he really did care about you. If he did then you would expect him to feel some pain and loss as well. Of course none of us really knows what MM is actually thinking or feeling underneath the external facade. For me there is also an element of wishing he could know my pain so he would fully appreciate the damage he caused. When you disappear on someone it is essentially avoidance of responsibility for your actions and of considering the other personís feelings. It is cowardly and immature behavior. By doing it he got to forward past ever seeing or acknowledging the hurt in my face, tears in my eyes, the questions I would have for him, or facing up to the choices he himself made. He could erase me and avoid all of that, try to put it out of his mind like it never happened. In that situation youíd have every right to feel anger. Mine is still internalized too much.
Oh my goodness, WCN. You perfectly articulated what Iíve been feeling! I wish I could tell him all of this, but I donít want to break NC. Also, I donít think he will care.
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Old 15th March 2018, 1:49 PM   #149
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Yes, Iíve thought about telling him too. But the person I want to tell is the fantasy version of him that actually cares about me. Iíve thought it through so many times but I always stop myself because I know what Iíll get in response from the real him - deflection, avoidance, gaslighting, stonewalling. Even though the 1% chance that Iím wrong and the 100% desire for validation keeps me thinking about it again from time to time. But in the end I realize all Iíd be doing is giving him yet another chance to hurt me. I am barely living through the hurt Iíve already experienced, I canít afford to add on any more for a conversation that wonít change anything. He still left, and heís still gone. Read this article. It helps me whenever my head starts to find excuses for him. https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/hap...up-and-vanish/
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Old 15th March 2018, 2:34 PM   #150
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I think that it's interesting that it's often the women that are left hurt and angry in these situations. I just wanted to share something a friend had learned from her therapist that has been helping me. She was an OW too. She said that OW, at the end of an affair are often left struggling. We have compromised our values, our beliefs, our self esteem in the name of love (or what we believe is love). When that relationship is shattered, when the true nature of the relationship and OM is revealed, we are left with nothing. We have given up all of these things that we thought were important to us, and we are left with nothing to show for it. Everyone reacts in a different way. It could be despair, anger, all those fun things a lot of us are going through. However, the hard part comes when we start to crawl out of this fog and start focusing inward. What made me vulnerable? Why was I willing to compromise so much of myself? How can I be the person that I want to be?

I know not everyone is in the same place in their healing, and that there are so many good reasons for us to be angry at the person that hurt us so deeply. However, when you're ready, I think it's important to start directing your focus inwards and towards your family. You have no control over OM, what he does or what he thinks. Only he is in charge of that and he may stay the same person forever, or he might change but it's not for us to know or control.

Anyway, I'm sorry for the pain you're feeling and hope that you find healing.
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