End of affair & new life

[lunamorena]

Hello, I´m a long time reader in the forum. I haven´t offered much support yet myself since English is not my primary language, I feel kind of uncomfortable and I didnt feel in the position to help others being in the mist of the affair. I believe this two conditions are changing and hope that soon I´ll start being more interactive in the forum. So long the forum has been really helpful to me as I continually read about other people undergoing the same things I am, and see how they fall into patterns.

 

My story: I´ve been in an A with a MM that lasted for 2 years and 2 months. Two months into the affair, I got a divorce, which was not motivated by xMM. It was more like the “straw that broke the camel´s back” since xH and I weren´t sexually active and constantly fighting. Moreover, we married young and drifted apart as to interests, values and even political views as years went by. I never regretted my D

 

After a lot of “on and off” periods in this 2 years and 2 months, the last 2 months were pure hell. I had a big problem at work and found myself in need of a lot of support. xMM was there for me but not 100%. He was at that time undergoing a trial separation from his W, rented an temporary apartment. Apart from this he was doing a lot of personal stuff, took hobbies, etc., so he wasn´t committed to anything really.

 

Moreover, in this particular job we used to be coworkers (where me met) He quitted 10 months ago when things started getting nasty at work (unrelated to me or the relationship, the situation is very hard and complex to explain)

I couldn´t quit as my situation was entirely different and I ended transferring to another location one week ago but had to face some consequences which he didn´t. I couldn´t help but feeling that he “abandoned the ship” and I was somehow expecting that he stood by me bringing out to light some things that could have help me since he no longer had any relation with this place.

 

One month ago, we were at his apartment and out of the blue he said that we shouldn´t continue to see each other as a couple in that moment. He wanted to maintain contact and blah blah...but honestly, at that moment I felt that I just had enough of him. I asked him not to contact me again whether separated divorced or single. I never regretted asking him that. He is too proud to not respect this and so we´ve been in NC for almost a month now, no need to block him (as to this moment, I wouldnt hesitate blocking him if he tried to contact me).

 

In this month, i haven´t cried (related to him) and i consider myself that i am doing fairly well desintoxicating from the R. I still find myself thinking A LOT about him, but not longing him, I feel that it is as if my mind has gained the habit of having him in my mind. I don´t wish to contact him, nor to know anything about his life. But still I think a lot about him. It is not like I think with any emotion, I just think. I don´t hate or love him...

 

I´m pretty happy with my life right now, I am happy in this new place, I am happy that I feel that I am detaching from this married man. My life has changed a lot in this two years. Still, I want to reassure myself that I am on the right track

 

Also, I feel good alone, but slowly I had begun to find another men interesting. I don´t want to accelerate the process but also, maybe if I began thinking about another man I can completely erradicate him from my mind??? So I don´t know wether it is too soon to begin dating or I should give myself like another month to really stand a fair chance of the dates becoming something?

 

Anyone has gone trough sth similar????

Thanks!!!

Luna

[FMW]

Hi Luna,

 

It sounds like maybe you are ready to start dating. If you feel confident in your decision to have no contact with him again and if you aren't longing for him, then the time may be right to meet someone new (or several someones!). You will then know for sure if you're thinking about xMM just out of habit and lack of other focus or if you really do need more time to get over him. Just go slowly and don't get too involved with someone else until you're sure it's not xMM specifically you're missing. It wouldn't be fair to someone else to get involved until you've got xMM out of your system.

[Poppy47]

Hi LUna,

 

Glad to hear you are doing well and feeling better.

 

You were in the A for a long time and it will take a while for you to be ready for another relationship. Unless you are really over xMM you will be unfair to yourself and the other person. You will be comparing him to xMM.

 

Take it easing LUna,

You have plenty of time.

Poppy.

[DKT3]

Good for you. I'm not shocked you feel ready to date, it really sounds like that relationship had run it's course.

 

I would like to add, don't be surprised if your divorce starts to hit you a little differently. It's not necessarily because you made a mistake or have regrets. It will be because you likely didn't properly deal with the ending having someone else to turn your attention too.

[FMW]

Really good point DKT3. I used my A to escape the divorce turmoil. Because of that, issues pop up occasionally showing me that I haven't fully processed my feelings about the divorce. I've never had any second thoughts about my divorce, but there's just still a lot to process that may be pushed aside because of the A.

[road]

Block and delete all info you need to contact MM.

[lunamorena]

Thank you all so much for taking time into responding.

I found it interesting, the thing about the divorce. I believe that I grieved the relationship with my ex husband mostly during my "off" periods in the affair. But surely I might have some more aftermath to do. Time being alone sure is the most productive

 

Luna