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Am I the OW?


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Samantha.Leo

I posted my story in another forum (Second Chances: 7 years...now he's back) but I feel like I'm more OW than anything else. You can look at it there if you choose.

Jay and I reconnected in August. He is currently going through a divorce where she filed back in May. He did not want the divorce. They have a young child. He left me 7 years ago to be with her. I cut off all contact even though he tried to keep in contact with me. When I contacted him in August, things got hot and heavy pretty fast. He expressed his love for me rather quickly (not even a month). It was a whirlwind of sorts. We have been talking and seeing each other since August. The problem is, he blows hot and cold. One minute he's all about me, wanting to see me, texting all the time, then the next, he's distant and moody. He's shared a lot with me in the last 4 months. He has depression, which I knew nothing about 8 years ago. Things have been really tough since Thanksgiving. I asked him about it and he blamed the holidays and his depression. He says he still feels the same about me when I ask him if something has changed. Whenever I have asked him if he feels different about me, he always says he's having a hard time and its what he is going through that is making him act the way he is (hot and cold). This is new for me as I have never dated a separated man. The only reason I even considered it with him is because of our history.

 

Any advice welcome.

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Samantha.Leo,

 

It sounds to me that he has narcissistic tendencies.

 

Look up "love bombing".

 

He blows hot & cold to keep you "on the hook".

 

When he left you last time he did you a big favour, you should have left it that way.

 

I know you won't take my advice but you should run, not walk away from this guy before he totally screws up your head. :rolleyes:

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LivingWaterPlease

When you have been married to a person you love very much and that person leaves you, it's very hard to have a healthy relationship with a new person until you've healed from the pain of your marriage and divorce.

 

I don't feel I have enough information about this guy to give you more than this. But, it's possible his hot/cold behavior is related to knowing he's attracted to you and cares for you while also realizing he's losing his marriage/home, his love. With you, he's got two things going on, you and the powerful emotions of his marriage crumbling.

 

He's in a very tough spot. Dating a newly separated or divorced man isn't for the faint of heart, ime.

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Thank you for responding. I know, you're right, he chose her over me, two months into our thing, he chose her. I stuck around like a fool until he actually moved to her. I guess I thought he would change is mind, but when he didn't, I refused to be the other woman. Right now, I feel like I am right back where I was 7 years ago, and right now, it hurts. Our relationship was plagued with highs and lows and barely any middles. I'm too old for this crap. I just want something normal.

 

I'm sure you're right about the "wanting to play the field" after his divorce is finished. What guy wouldn't? And he is using me as an emotional crutch. I'm foolish enough to believe that it actually means something.

 

Whatever happened to this little bunch of lucid thoughts?

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You contacted him in August? Why in the world would you contact him - seven years after he left you for another woman, when he is recently separated, has a young child, and he did not want the separation/divorce?

 

This has rebound relationship and total disaster written all over it!

 

And here's the thing you need to remember... Separated = still married. You feel like the OW because you are.

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Samantha.Leo
Samantha.Leo,

 

It sounds to me that he has narcissistic tendencies.

 

Look up "love bombing".

 

He blows hot & cold to keep you "on the hook".

 

When he left you last time he did you a big favour, you should have left it that way.

 

I know you won't take my advice but you should run, not walk away from this guy before he totally screws up your head. :rolleyes:

 

Please explain the narcissistic tendencies. What makes you think that? I have looked up "love bombing" but we have a history so I didn't think that was what he was doing. I really should have left it that way, you are right. My head is already screwed up.

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Samantha.Leo
Whatever happened to this little bunch of lucid thoughts?

 

Long story short, I never actually got over him. I held on to him unknowingly for a long time. I go back and forth with these thoughts constantly. As I said before, by heart and my head are at odds with each other. I still love him. Stupid I know.

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Samantha.Leo
You contacted him in August? Why in the world would you contact him - seven years after he left you for another woman, when he is recently separated, has a young child, and he did not want the separation/divorce?

 

This has rebound relationship and total disaster written all over it!

 

And here's the thing you need to remember... Separated = still married. You feel like the OW because you are.

 

I honestly thought when I contacted him, he would be happily married and he would tell me about it and I could really let go. Long story short, I never actually got over him. I held on to him unknowingly for a long time. I just wanted to hear that he was happy. But that is not what I found out, and now here I am.

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Both men and women like to have a safety net in case things do not work out with another person. They do just enough to keep your interest so that you will be there if needed. It does sound like you are his safety net. Guys especially do this because they are used to living in a nice place, being fed and having their wives act like cook and housekeepers. They get their clothes washed and life is good.

 

When faced with a divorce they fear what happens. The wife gets the house and kids and the guy ends up living in a cheap apartment, using a laundromat and eating out a lot. He has to vacuum and clean his apartment, etc.. One of the reasons guys have affairs or keep a girl on the hook is that they are unhappy in their marriages and need both a safety net and sometimes a push to get divorced like the wife finding out he is cheating.

 

Hate to say this but since women tend to be more emotional than men, they are more easily manipulated. Men play on a woman's emotions to control them. You do not want a man with baggage. If you accept him you will be responsible for the consequences which will not be very good at all. I do not understand why so many women marry damaged men and then complain about it afterwards. They seem to think that they can change them when in reality adults rarely change who they are. It took my wife several years to realize that what she saw before we married is what she go after we married. Lucky for her I just had the normal male things that women hate. :)

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Samantha.Leo
Both men and women like to have a safety net in case things do not work out with another person. They do just enough to keep your interest so that you will be there if needed. It does sound like you are his safety net. Guys especially do this because they are used to living in a nice place, being fed and having their wives act like cook and housekeepers. They get their clothes washed and life is good.

 

When faced with a divorce they fear what happens. The wife gets the house and kids and the guy ends up living in a cheap apartment, using a laundromat and eating out a lot. He has to vacuum and clean his apartment, etc.. One of the reasons guys have affairs or keep a girl on the hook is that they are unhappy in their marriages and need both a safety net and sometimes a push to get divorced like the wife finding out he is cheating.

 

Hate to say this but since women tend to be more emotional than men, they are more easily manipulated. Men play on a woman's emotions to control them. You do not want a man with baggage. If you accept him you will be responsible for the consequences which will not be very good at all. I do not understand why so many women marry damaged men and then complain about it afterwards. They seem to think that they can change them when in reality adults rarely change who they are. It took my wife several years to realize that what she saw before we married is what she go after we married. Lucky for her I just had the normal male things that women hate. :)

 

So if I'm his safety net, that's all I'll ever be? I agree that women are more emotional than men. He never showed his emotions to me until recently. When I knew him 8 years ago, he was not an emotional guy, or at least he didn't show it. So what you are saying is that he will always be this depressed, moody, hot and cold guy? He wasn't like this 8 years ago.

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So if I'm his safety net, that's all I'll ever be? I agree that women are more emotional than men. He never showed his emotions to me until recently. When I knew him 8 years ago, he was not an emotional guy, or at least he didn't show it. So what you are saying is that he will always be this depressed, moody, hot and cold guy? He wasn't like this 8 years ago.

 

Hot and cold, push and pull is never a good sign and is often the trademark of married men.

No-one who is all in, honest and true, plays such games.

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So if I'm his safety net, that's all I'll ever be? I agree that women are more emotional than men. He never showed his emotions to me until recently. When I knew him 8 years ago, he was not an emotional guy, or at least he didn't show it. So what you are saying is that he will always be this depressed, moody, hot and cold guy? He wasn't like this 8 years ago.

 

Who cares that he wasn't like this 8 years ago. He's like this now. Deal with the reality of today.

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Not to sound mean but it sounds like a rebound...again. You’ve taught him that you’ll be there for him as a sprin board when he is doing bad. That’s what he’s doing again. He needs you again because he’s struggling. Once he’s better, chances are he will cut you again.

 

Hope I’m wrong and that it works out for you.

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Absolutely. You've shown him that you will wait around such that he can use you as his "Plan B." Never forget the fact that he chose another woman. There are no awards for the woman who hangs in the longest...

 

You may wait around and he may go back to his wife, or even chose another woman, and you will be left on your own. He's already done it once, what's to stop him from doing it again?

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Also are you prepared to be in a "relationship" with his "nasty" ex wife for ever and a day as she is the mother of his child and the woman he left you for...

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Hot and cold, push and pull is never a good sign and is often the trademark of married men.

No-one who is all in, honest and true, plays such games.

 

Doesn’t matter who posts what this is all you need. As she said, in all honesty, if he wanted to be with you he’d be with you, he’d make it happen no games.

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Samantha.Leo
Absolutely. You've shown him that you will wait around such that he can use you as his "Plan B." Never forget the fact that he chose another woman. There are no awards for the woman who hangs in the longest...

 

You may wait around and he may go back to his wife, or even chose another woman, and you will be left on your own. He's already done it once, what's to stop him from doing it again?

 

I know you're right, what's to stop him from doing it again (leaving me for someone else). I don't want to be a "plan B" for him.

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