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Consequences ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 23rd February 2018, 1:17 PM   #91
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
Thanks Vivir. I appreciate you sharing your experience. I honestly kind of dread meeting him tomorrow, it's been nice to feel lighter without him. Hopefully that's a good sign that I'm close to being done with him for good. I just feel compelled to go to avoid wondering "what if".
Then do not go!
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Old 23rd February 2018, 3:15 PM   #92
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Don't go!

Then suddenly you have your power back!

And that would be a great switch in this scenario.


Just send a text saying you can't make it! Do NOT give any explanation even if he asks!
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Old 24th February 2018, 10:29 AM   #93
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I kept the lunch meeting. We caught up on what had been going on in each others' lives. He wanted to know if I was happy with my life, I said something like you mean am I totally heartbroken over you, and smiled to lighten the statement. He said he regretted getting in as deep as we did when he knew he wasn't sure what he wanted with his marriage (during their 2 1/2 year separation) and was sorry for the hurt he caused me. I told him I was a big girl and knew the situation. He admitted to letting himself think about a possible future with me too much and he shouldn't have shared those thoughts with me when he wasn't sure what was going to happen.

She recently found his burner phone, although I don't think there was anything on the phone because he deletes everything immediately. In the ensuing argument he threw the phone down on the floor and stomped on it and destroyed it.

She also found texts on his iPhone, an account they share, from a prospective music student by seeing the uploaded information to the Cloud. Obviously something about those texts were inappropriate (I didn't bother to ask because it was clear he wanted to present them as something innocent from a 25 year old girl) and his wife called her number and apparently said some nasty things to the girl.

He says his wife "never comes home" (I believe she's only there for short periods of time) but he didn't want to share any more information about that and since it's not my business I didn't ask any more.

I told him he had to talk to his wife and they had to figure out what they were going to do because this was unhealthy and stressful for both of them. I told him that the fact he replaced the burner phone with a new one shows that he wants to continue seeing other women or at the very least keeping secrets from his wife and the marriage could not be repaired while he was doing that. They either dedicate themselves to their marriage, agree to an alternate arrangement, or divorce.

He's concerned about their property and financial accounts, saying "she wants my money" (I explained after 25+ years of marriage it was THEIR money). I told him to go get a free initial consultation with a divorce attorney to get an idea how things were likely to go. It didn't mean he had to do anything about it, but he would have a better idea in making choices.

We told each other we loved each other, we didn't end anything. But while he's dealing with this most recent marriage crisis I am keeping my distance. I told him what I have told him before, I love him and want him to be happy and want what's best for him, whether I'm anywhere in that picture or not. He feels the same for me.

I'm not going to worry about NC any further, but I want to say that the 5 weeks I did were very important to helping me heal a little bit and get my head a little straighter. The many reasons it would be best for me NOT to continue seeing him, regardless of what happens with his marriage, are very clear and front and center for me. I know that most likely I will be happier with someone else than with him. I don't feel as bound to him as I used to.

So I'm not going back to NC, I'm not walking away from. But I still see this as likely the continuing journey of getting to the end for us. I don't feel permanent NC is the way to do that for me, I need to work through it and see it through to the end. And since i do have at least some interest in someone else (at this point we're just friends) I don't feel as scared as I used to that I would never be open to anyone else without him being completely out of my life.

I know the vast majority here on LS will totally disagree with my approach. I don't think one approach is right for everyone. NC was very important for me as a temporary tool to gain a little detachment. It's just not what feels right to me as an ongoing thing. I think NC will just organically happen at some point, it doesn't have to be forced, if the relationship isn't meant to be. That's probably because I feel sure that if I ever tell him I don't want to hear from him again he will honor that. For those whose AP will not honor that request, then NC is obviously the smart choice.
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Old 24th February 2018, 3:33 PM   #94
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Wow you should have received $300 for that counseling appointment you gave him...and legal advice thrown in for his interest too!

Honey, he's not doing anything to change this! Accept that and move forward.

He's a cake eater who cheats with multiple women who are willing - why is that enough for you?

Why would you think his (lack of values) makes him a good man?
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Old 24th February 2018, 7:38 PM   #95
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Thanks for your responses S2B, I appreciate you taking the time to read my long entries.

Quote:
Wow you should have received $300 for that counseling appointment you gave him...and legal advice thrown in for his interest too!
He tells me I'm his best friend and at times I switch to friend mode and advise him like I would any other friend. Payment for this session was a free lunch

Quote:
Honey, he's not doing anything to change this! Accept that and move forward.

He's a cake eater who cheats with multiple women who are willing - why is that enough for you?
Our situations have changed in the almost 3 years together and I've made a lot of strides forward and handled many transitions following the end of my 23 year marriage. He on the other hand is basically in the same position he was when we met. I'm no longer willing to settle for how things have been, but don't feel that means I have to cut him out of my life completely, at least at this moment. I may decide differently at a future point.

Quote:
Why would you think his (lack of values) makes him a good man?
I certainly don't think he's a bad man. He's a messed up man who does bad things. I'm not a bad woman, but I was weak and hurting and allowed myself to get involved in a situation that was clearly not healthy in order to find some escape and relief. I'm not going to judge him or anyone else for having their own weaknesses. Bad actions do not equal bad people in my book.

I may find that I have to adjust my thoughts and actions on this whole matter in the future, but for right now I'm not taking the scorched earth approach.

I'm going out this weekend with friends and will see the new man I'm a little interested in now, so I'm not in a holding pattern. I've reached the post-divorce transition point where I'm ready to date. My feelings for xMM aren't holding me back because I'm starting to accept them as part of my past. He's not available for what I need and want so I'm ready and open to see who else is out there. Just taking it day by day.
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:16 PM   #96
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I'm not surprised his wife is hardly ever home. I wouldn't go home to a bloke like him either.
I think you are relieving him of the responsibility for the bad stuff he does by saying he's not a bad person.

It is my belief that nothing positive ever happens by drifting along day by day. Allowing the past to linger ultimately allows it the opportunity of becoming the present.

Examination of fundamental beliefs and goal setting in line with them is the way I see of moving forward. Seeing a different future, making a new narrative.

It IS only my belief. Everybody has their own.

Poppy.
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Old 24th February 2018, 9:22 PM   #97
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It is my belief that nothing positive ever happens by drifting along day by day. Allowing the past to linger ultimately allows it the opportunity of becoming the present.



This sentence is going to be my mantra. Thank you poppy.
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Old 25th February 2018, 2:25 AM   #98
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I have learned the hard way.

The most important workshop I ever went to as an eduactor many years ago was all about narrative... You are in charge of changing your narrative i.e. your entire life.


Poppy.
X
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Old 25th February 2018, 10:01 AM   #99
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Thanks for that insight Poppy.

I don't feel I'm "drifting", I just am not ready to slam the door on things yet.

I've gone through big transitions in the past few years. Anyone who has ended a long marriage will understand on how many levels that alters your life. My father lost his battle to cancer during the time I was going through my divorce which added somewhat to the instability I felt, my world was rocked for a while. And then when xMM received a terminal cancer diagnosis it was just another hit to my equilibrium.

I think I've made good progress in navigating all the changes overall, but obviously there have been missteps.

When your world is rocked and you lose your footing for a while you discover that what you feel and think one day may not be the same as it will be the next week. That can be true for anyone in any normal situation as well, but I've found it to be magnified in my experience of the last few years.

So day by day for me doesn't mean abdicating responsibility or planning, and certainly doesn't mean standing still and just waiting to see what happens. It just means I'll know when I've reached the end of this particular aspect of my life and until then I don't feel the need to erase it.
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