LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > The Other Man / Woman

Consequences ***Updated***


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

Like Tree71Likes
 
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 25th December 2017, 11:15 PM   #16
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,354
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
I was in an almost decade long affair with MM.

To my knowledge he was never discovered or even suspected.

We lived 50 miles apart with no mutual friends or connections.

In hindsight, he had probably been cheating all his life and was very slick at covering his tracks.

Poppy.
Or he was married to a woman who let it go, this is something that is far more common than people think.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2017, 11:18 PM   #17
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
I'm the OW, not married

I'm the OW and single now, having divorced since our affair first began. AP is still married. I received an anonymous text saying "just thought you should know not only are you sleeping with a married man but you're not the only one. Disgusting!" We're not sure where it came from, no one has confronted either of us face to face. We do have contact in public (he's a musician and I frequently go with friends to hear him play), but his wife has never been around.

The text has made me paranoid about a possible face to face confrontation at some point, although it's not completely clear that anyone has actually discovered anything, it might just be someone with suspicions.
Finding my way is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 25th December 2017, 11:22 PM   #18
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
And....

And MM has a history of cheating. His BW moved out of their home for 2 1/2 years because of it, only moving back in earlier this year. They were separated when we started the A.

I guess it's possible she's aware and just not bothering to talk to him about it. He claims they don't spend much time together and haven't had sex in years (I know, I know...).
Finding my way is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 12:57 AM   #19
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: sydney Australia
Posts: 1,412
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Or he was married to a woman who let it go, this is something that is far more common than people think.
Finding My Way,
that is what DKT3 has posted. Some wives just let it go....

How do you know this DKT3? Did you read some stats or is it from experience?

Cheers,
Poppy
Poppy47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 1:14 AM   #20
Established Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 4,354
Quote:
Originally Posted by Poppy47 View Post
Finding My Way,
that is what DKT3 has posted. Some wives just let it go....

How do you know this DKT3? Did you read some stats or is it from experience?

Cheers,
Poppy
I actually have seen stats that suggest a fair percentage of betrayed spouses know of affairs and because of other factors ALLOW (for lack of a better word) them to continue uninterrupted.

OP has said that her MMs wife left him before because of his cheating, it's not a reach to think she is aware that he is again.

From my personal experience, yes I knew long before I confronted. Why did I allow it? I had convinced myself that my wife would never do it, secondly, because I didn't want to face it, I didn't want change in my way of life even though I was unhappy with the marriage.
DKT3 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 1:44 AM   #21
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: sydney Australia
Posts: 1,412
Thank you DKT3

The prospect of complete change in lifestyle/ circumstances is not an easy thing to face. I guess it was easier to bury it and hope it went away.

Cheers,
Poppy.
Poppy47 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:26 AM   #22
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 1,611
It's hard to get figures on because it's the ones that get discovered which produce the most drama and therefore get heard about a lot.
somanymistakes is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:50 AM   #23
Established Member
 
central's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: NW Florida
Posts: 3,106
Accurate figures are difficult to obtain, obviously. However, some of the more reliable sources and surveys indicate that MOST affairs are never discovered.

The stats are that over 80% of men are not discovered, and amazingly over 90% of women are not discovered. So the infidelity you read about is merely the tip of the iceberg.
central is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:57 AM   #24
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,174
Some BSs do not want to let people know that their spouse is cheating on them, so keep everything covered up so as not to lose "face". A BS can feel dreadful shame over their WS cheating on them, they feel a failure, so will withhold the info from friends and family. They may appear on the surface to have let it go but are still in deep turmoil and upset.

I think some BSs suspect and say nothing and when it all comes out they say they "knew", but that is really a hindsight thing. They only suspected and had the spouse been proved to be innocent then they would say they "knew" they were innocent all along too...

I am not so sure about spouses who "know" conclusively but who say nothing to the WS, I have a feeling that is not so common.
I think that may be just something WSs tell themselves to justify their affair.
"My wife/husband knows but they "approve" or they have "let it go". but on Dday they realise there was no "approval", their spouse was completely in the dark and is completely devastated at the revelation.
A WS knows they are lying, they have the full picture in front of them and it is all so obvious to them that they are cheating so why would anyone believe those blatant lies, he/she HAS to know.
BUT to the BS who doesn't have the full picture in front of them, who knows nothing of the affair and who trusts their spouse, how would they know?
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 7:59 AM   #25
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 252
If the text didn’t list your name or his name, I would conclude it’s a wrong number text and just a coincidence that you happened to be an OW too. I get random texts all the time, all wrong number.

Or could be one of your friends that you go with to see him play found out he was married. Or if there really are others, maybe the other OW found out about you because she might have been there watching him play too, otherwise if it’s not another OW, wouldn’t the “others” receive texts too?

People always suspect and jump to conclusions whenever two people of the opposite sex are around each other a lot, ie stereotype: boss must be doing the secretary; even if they’ve never caught them in the act or read messages or heard conversations that they are or not having an affair, they’ll always think there is something going on, there’s no way around it.
Scarlet2 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 8:23 AM   #26
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,821
Quote:
Originally Posted by DKT3 View Post
Or he was married to a woman who let it go, this is something that is far more common than people think.
It's true. Normally she no longer has any sexual desire for him anyway so she turns a blind eye.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 8:45 AM   #27
Established Member
 
elaine567's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 14,174
Quote:
Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
I received an anonymous text saying "just thought you should know not only are you sleeping with a married man but you're not the only one. Disgusting!"
I was at a party once with a friend who was an exOW and they split up years ago. The MM happened to be there and he greeted a women at the door, nothing out of the ordinary that I saw, and my friend says he is sleeping with her. I said "How do you know?" and she said "I just know." I kept my eye on them and yes, although they played it very cool and stayed away from each other the whole evening, no-one I guess would have suspected ordinarily, but the odd eye contact and the secret smiles gave them away.
My friend knew the drill and recognised it right away.

As for the anonymous text, I guess someone knows the drill here and has pinpointed you as his OW.
elaine567 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 10:05 AM   #28
Established Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2017
Posts: 123
I don't get it

My xH was unfaithful to me and I did ignore it for a year or so. Our marriage was obviously not in good shape and we hadn't had sex in several years so I understood his desire to stray, I just wish HE had been the one to say we needed to divorce - I had gotten so numb to it all that it took me some time to realize the marriage needed to end, no matter what the hit to stability, financial or otherwise. My ability to get involved in an A with MM was the final push for me and within a few months of my involvement with MM I told xH we needed to divorce. Not so I could be with MM but because our marriage was obviously dead and leading to unhealthy behavior for both of us.

So I don't get actually separating and moving out for 2 1/2 years and then coming back and just going forward and ignoring things to "save face". MM says BW is a devout catholic and so doesn't believe in divorce, and before moving back to the marital home with him was saying she couldn't afford to live separate anymore. And of course maybe she's just waiting for him to die for an "easy" out, being a sympathetic widow (if you read my original post you'll understand that thought). MM has always talked about not wanting to split up their money and property, I think she probably shares that thought.

Living a lie in my marriage was destroying me, I don't get continuing it when it was blown up previously. But of course being the OW is destroying me now, and I can't understand why I can't walk away from it (I want to believe him when he says he loves me and this is different than his past flings and there are no longer any other OW, but I just can't trust him), so I guess we all have our reasons for staying in bad situations even if they don't even make sense to us.

I've thought about the anonymous text being a "wrong number" but thought it would be a huge coincidence since I seriously never get wrong number texts (calls yes, but not texts). My thought has been that it's a friend of BW doing it on her behalf, with BW's knowledge, after discovering my number in his phone.

So if I had to guess I would say after 2 1/2 years my A has been discovered, it's just not leading to a dramatic confrontation. At least not for now.
Finding my way is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 10:46 AM   #29
Established Member
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 182
It could even be the MM texting you from a burner phone so that you think it's his wife so that the affair cools down.
Maddieandtae is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 26th December 2017, 10:59 AM   #30
LoveShack.org Moderator
LoveShack.org Moderator
 
William's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Riding the rails
Posts: 4,200
As content in a separate thread on a more general topic moved back towards the topic already begun by the thread starter, moderation merged the threads as they were both running in the same forum.

However, should members wish to start a general discussion about undiscovered affairs, feel free to do so in our General Relationship Discussion forum. This forum, OM/OW, is for individuals who find themselves involved with committed partners and their specific stories and seeking of advice on those stories and our policy is for discussions of one topic to remain in one thread of discussion.

Thanks and please continue!
William is offline   Reply With Quote
 

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Consequences hurtnomorerika The Other Man / Woman 2 15th October 2013 3:10 PM
Consequences without D Day jj33 The Other Man / Woman 26 29th August 2011 9:55 PM
What are the consequences? Tommy Gun Archive 6 21st February 2001 2:00 AM


All times are GMT -4. The time now is 6:04 AM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2018 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.