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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 7th January 2018, 4:15 PM   #76
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This is so hard.
I know it feels hard, but in time you will realize that it is the best thing that could have ever happened to you. He has given you a gift. He has given you your freedom from this dysfunctional relationship. Be grateful.
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Old 7th January 2018, 4:47 PM   #77
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The problem that many OWS have is ego.

"I am better in every way than his loser of a gf/wife/partner and he is bound to choose me if I stick around long enough."

Here his gf is an alcoholic, their relationship is "toxic", yet at every opportunity he gets, he goes back to her.

No matter what YOU or the world thinks of her, she is "the one" as far as he is concerned.
You are #2 and you will stay #2.
You do not understand it as you are the nice one, the stable and steady one, the one that has his back, the one that will not let him down, the one that will "save" him.
But he doesn't need saving.

Truth is that many people are not actually happy in "normal" relationships, they are a lot happier in hellholes of relationships that have more ups and downs than a roller coaster, that are full of drama and chaos, that are full of excitement and depression in equal measure, that they never know from one minute to the next whether it is on or off.

Yes you thought those 2 months were the best relationship you have ever been in, but maybe he was bored stiff and that is why he couldn't wait to get back to her.

Many men like this are quite happy to have two women and most will say almost anything to keep it going. YOU have shown you are OK with being on the side, so why would he ever need to promote you?
He has his main woman, and you are fitting very nicely into the OW spot. He needs to keep you on your toes and he needs to keep reminding you that you are not all that, and by him going MIA sometimes it tends to focus your attention. By the time he reappears you are so desperate you will forgive anything, even a trip away with his gf in February...
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Old 7th January 2018, 6:19 PM   #78
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
The problem that many OWS have is ego.

"I am better in every way than his loser of a gf/wife/partner and he is bound to choose me if I stick around long enough."

Here his gf is an alcoholic, their relationship is "toxic", yet at every opportunity he gets, he goes back to her.

No matter what YOU or the world thinks of her, she is "the one" as far as he is concerned.
You are #2 and you will stay #2.
You do not understand it as you are the nice one, the stable and steady one, the one that has his back, the one that will not let him down, the one that will "save" him.
But he doesn't need saving.

Truth is that many people are not actually happy in "normal" relationships, they are a lot happier in hellholes of relationships that have more ups and downs than a roller coaster, that are full of drama and chaos, that are full of excitement and depression in equal measure, that they never know from one minute to the next whether it is on or off.

Yes you thought those 2 months were the best relationship you have ever been in, but maybe he was bored stiff and that is why he couldn't wait to get back to her.

Many men like this are quite happy to have two women and most will say almost anything to keep it going. YOU have shown you are OK with being on the side, so why would he ever need to promote you?
He has his main woman, and you are fitting very nicely into the OW spot. He needs to keep you on your toes and he needs to keep reminding you that you are not all that, and by him going MIA sometimes it tends to focus your attention. By the time he reappears you are so desperate you will forgive anything, even a trip away with his gf in February...

Ouch. This one hurt a little, but you make some valid points.

Do you think he's doing all of this on purpose? Do you think he backs off on purpose to keep me on my toes? It seems so hurtful to do that to someone on purpose.

I question some of this because I know he and I did more exciting things together and he said she would never do any of the stuff we did together. Also, his teenaged son told me that his dad said he was going to marry me and told me (when he went back to her) that he and her always seem like old buddies but that he was "so in love with you" and it made no sense to him. He was really mad at his dad for going back to that woman after everything.

But I get it...he definitely must see her as the one. I asked him once if he ever wanted to get married again and he said "yes for sure" and I said "then why didnt you ever marry her?" he said "I've never wanted to marry her".

It just seems so strange.
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Old 7th January 2018, 6:35 PM   #79
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Ouch. This one hurt a little, but you make some valid points.

Do you think he's doing all of this on purpose? Do you think he backs off on purpose to keep me on my toes? It seems so hurtful to do that to someone on purpose.
Welcome to the world of affairs. MM do that ALL the time, the OW forum is full of push/pull, hot/cold, the silent treatment and him going MIA.

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I question some of this because I know he and I did more exciting things together and he said she would never do any of the stuff we did together.
...and.
HE told you that, that doesn't mean it is true.
Also many MM use the OW to do all the sexual stuff their "wife" would never dream of doing, nor would he ask her to do so either

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Also, his teenaged son told me that his dad said he was going to marry me and told me (when he went back to her) that he and her always seem like old buddies but that he was "so in love with you" and it made no sense to him. He was really mad at his dad for going back to that woman after everything.
I guess the teenage son likes you and hoped you would stick around, but he obviously got it wrong when is dad went back to the gf.

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It just seems so strange.
In the world of single dating it is madness, in the world of affairs and extramarital sex it is often just par for the course.
Run for the hills is my advice.
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Old 7th January 2018, 6:45 PM   #80
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Do you think he's doing all of this on purpose? Do you think he backs off on purpose to keep me on my toes? It seems so hurtful to do that to someone on purpose.

Also, his teenaged son told me that his dad said he was going to marry me and told me (when he went back to her) that he and her always seem like old buddies but that he was "so in love with you" and it made no sense to him. He was really mad at his dad for going back to that woman after everything.
Read these boards. Married men do this all the time - the push-pull, he wants me-he wants me not... it keeps you off balance and allows him to have all the control in the relationship. So, when he turns his attention to you and you share some sex/exciting times, you feel great and you want more.

This other that you've written, is really awful. Do you think it's a good thing or right in any way for this man to involve his children in his relationships/affairs. Truly awful that his children are involved in this sordid affair and aware of their father's failings... it will change their relationship forever. You should NEVER be discussing your affair with his children.
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Old 7th January 2018, 6:56 PM   #81
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Read these boards. Married men do this all the time - the push-pull, he wants me-he wants me not... it keeps you off balance and allows him to have all the control in the relationship. So, when he turns his attention to you and you share some sex/exciting times, you feel great and you want more.

This other that you've written, is really awful. Do you think it's a good thing or right in any way for this man to involve his children in his relationships/affairs. Truly awful that his children are involved in this sordid affair and aware of their father's failings... it will change their relationship forever. You should NEVER be discussing your affair with his children.
I must clarify that he was dating me exclusively at that time. He left her. We have never been together when they were together. Right now we are only talking, I haven't seen him even once. We have both said it's not something we want to do while he's with her.

I don't know if that changes anything about how people feel.

But his kids are not very happy with him. This woman didn't treat them well when they were younger and they can't stand her. So yes, they were rooting for me. He hasn't been a great dad to his kids since they were young...the whole family called him superdad because he was such a great dad. Things changes when he got with this woman. he started drinking and partying a lot....and has said he doesn't do that anymore but how could he not when they're all drinkers? i don't know what to believe. With me, he rarely drank. Maybe twice ever.
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Old 8th January 2018, 9:16 PM   #82
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He messaged this morning saying "I need to get my head on straight". I said "you're staying with her?" "I gave you so many chances to tell me that things were improving". He said "they are exactly the same as they were! I have to take some time. I have been consumed with this for so long. When I talk to you, my heart gets in the way and tells me to jump ship, but my brain can't make sense of any of this and keeps going in circles. I don't want to think anymore".

He then said "I'm a mess. I'm no good to anyone like this". I said "that sounds like something someone says to soften the blow that they don't want to be with you". He said "not at all. I know how amazing we are together. I assure you that's not the case".

Last year when he broke up with me to go back to her he said "I'm such a mess. I don't know what I'm doing or what I want"... so it sounds like that to me. He said it's not like that. He said it's been a year without me and all he does is think about me. Well, if that were true, why would he need this space from me?

I do feel less interested in this now all of a sudden. This whole "my head is a mess" thing is completely making me see that's just saying something that allows him to back off and do what he wants yet leaves me hanging.

I didn't respond to his last text and I won't initiate anymore texts. That's all I can really say at this point...

Last edited by CrushingHope; 8th January 2018 at 9:19 PM..
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Old 8th January 2018, 10:47 PM   #83
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I wish you strength.

keep posting. You will go through ups and downs... But, if you stay strong, keep some distance, and focus on you... It will get better.
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:04 PM   #84
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I wish you strength.

keep posting. You will go through ups and downs... But, if you stay strong, keep some distance, and focus on you... It will get better.
Thank you. I miss his texts so much already. I know it wasn't very long but I got used to having someone text me first thing in the morning and then throughout the day and before bed. How can he not miss that too?

sigh. Feeling so sad right now. I don't want to say goodbye again.
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:15 PM   #85
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Thank you. I miss his texts so much already. I know it wasn't very long but I got used to having someone text me first thing in the morning and then throughout the day and before bed. How can he not miss that too?

sigh. Feeling so sad right now. I don't want to say goodbye again.
Sadly, he is probably busy with his life and busy with his girlfriend.

I would suggest that you find something to distract you. Pick up a new hobby, sign up for a class, call an old friend instead of texting with him. And post here, every morning and every night. Put your feelings on paper and people will wish you well...
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Old 8th January 2018, 11:21 PM   #86
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Sadly, he is probably busy with his life and busy with his girlfriend.

I would suggest that you find something to distract you. Pick up a new hobby, sign up for a class, call an old friend instead of texting with him. And post here, every morning and every night. Put your feelings on paper and people will wish you well...
I don't see why he makes it sound so horrible there. Why does he tell me that his heart gets in the way with me ? Why say all these things that make it so hard to leave. Why does he want to leave me but not want me to let him go?

I tried to be strong today. I want to do what's right but this feels so wrong. I want to text but I know my best choice is not to. Unless he leaves her, I can't talk to him. It gives him no incentive to leave or change anything. I said "if you don't talk to me anymore i have to see that as a decision to not make any changes". He said "?????"

I'm afraid of coming here and writing how upset I am and having people judge me and not understand what i'm going through and think I should just get over this loser.
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Old 9th January 2018, 11:24 AM   #87
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[QUOTE=CrushingHope;7507005]I don't see why he makes it sound so horrible there. To make you feel bad for him. To make you want to do more/be more in order to make it up to him. Why does he tell me that his heart gets in the way with me ? Because it makes you feel special. And to keep you hanging on. Why say all these things that make it so hard to leave. Because he doesn't want you to leave. Why would he. He has 2 chicks. He is living the dream. Why does he want to leave me but not want me to let him go? Because you are an ego boost for him.

...

I'm afraid of coming here and writing how upset I am and having people judge me and not understand what i'm going through and think I should just get over this loser. You are not alone. Many of us have issues walking away. And all of us understand it isn't easy. /QUOTE]


Crushing, You have the ability and the power to walk away. You know you should. You don't want to. Trust me, I understand. Think of it as self preservation, he is damaging you.


You keep asking why he does/says what he does. That isn't the question you should ask. You should be asking why you allow it. His whys aren't for you to worry about. They are for him.


I know why my MM stays. Knowing doesn't help. You think it does. It doesn't because, to you, the reasons won't make sense.


If missing the morning texts are hard, try getting up early and working out.


I noticed I had put my entire life on hold because of my A. Get busy living your life. Get busy.
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Old 9th January 2018, 12:14 PM   #88
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I don't see why he makes it sound so horrible there. Why does he tell me that his heart gets in the way with me ? Why say all these things that make it so hard to leave. Why does he want to leave me but not want me to let him go?
He does that to tug at your heartstrings. Poor guy, he has it so bad there but I'll be his rock and support him through this because I love him.

It is also a way to keep you guessing and hopeful that it may get so bad at some point, he'll leave and come to you. It's a common tactic used by cheaters. He doesn't want you to let him go because why wouldn't anyone want the best of both worlds? He gets to have a full relationship with this woman and he gets an additional ego/attention boost from you.

She's the priority, you have become the option. Don't do that to yourself. Stop waiting for him to choose you. You're spending your years damaging your self-esteem and worth.

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I'm afraid of coming here and writing how upset I am and having people judge me and not understand what i'm going through and think I should just get over this loser.
I don't think anyone is judging you but trying to get you to realize your reality.
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Last edited by Zahara; 9th January 2018 at 12:16 PM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 5:16 PM   #89
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(((CrushingHope)))
Hugs to you, CrushingHope.

I cannot encourage you to use the "counter" strategy enough. Even if you cannot seem to keep yourself busy, you would do well to counter all of your thoughts - especially the positive ones - of this guy. Ask yourself a series of questions.

"I miss his texts so much."
Why? You have, in fact, already answered this one.
These crumbs of communication do something for you.
What can you do, in the moment that you miss them, to refocus your attention, to form a new habit? (OK, "habit" might not be the optimal word here...)
I began texting other people... maybe one in the morning and another in the evening... these were relationships with people I love (who love me back), and I had been neglecting those relationships while focusing on a MM who had much more attention (from multiple sources) than he needed...

You really should counter your positive thoughts of this man with evidence of his actions. Not what he says, but what he has been doing. Refocus - on YOU, on anything else, because it will help you break the habit of focusing on him. You might find that you're creating a healthier life for yourself that you prefer to waiting around for him....

And look. You intuit that he is dancing to this love-em-and-leave-em tune yet again... I once gave a guy a second chance, and he ghosted me. I am not saying some people don't deserve a second chance. I am saying, you have to know your limits. He wants to walk away from you after all that fancy talk and schmoozing you... please. If he walks, he keeps walking. If he comes back, he meets a closed door because you closed it. End of.

You'll grieve (you already are). And it's OK to do that! There are good and bad days and worse days... all normal. Of course, you can write about it here, because most of us have been there and understand. But if you want to break this cycle, you'll have to do the legwork...

Put your emotions on the back burner when you think of him or deal with him (I advocate that you no longer deal with him), use your logic. Actively be your guardian. You are guarding your sanity and emotional well-being.

Last edited by Vivir; 9th January 2018 at 5:18 PM..
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Old 9th January 2018, 5:52 PM   #90
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It sounds to me like he's trying to make you feel sorry for him. He wants to keep you hanging on.

One question...are you a "fixer"? A lot of women are. We love someone and want to help, but in the end, the person we want to help has to do it for themselves.


sadly, there are some people who instinctively know how to take advantage of a fixer's kind and caring nature. That sounds like just what he's doing to you.
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