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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 4th January 2018, 11:14 PM   #46
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Of course you feel that way. I would feel the same in that situation, desperately lonely and very sad. Perhaps, a good step would be to try and make some new friends. Volunteer, join a social group, or my goodness... go on a date. Even getting out to volunteer would help you to make new social connections and ease your lonliness and depression.

I would also really suggest looking for a good counsellor, when you have the opportunity. Perhaps, even talking to your doctor to get a referral and/or some medication (if needed).

I wish you well, my dear. Tomorrow is another day, just try to do one thing that will bring you joy. The rest will follow. Best wishes.
Thank you Bailey. Your words tonight have helped me immensely to feel less alone. Once I start working again I will seek the counselling. I know it's necessary.

I did actually go on a date about a month before my ex came back into my life. The date was fine, but not anyone that I was really interested in. He even kissed me but it felt so wrong and uncomfortable. I cried the whole uber ride home thinking of my ex and just wishing it was him I had spent the evening with. A year later and I was still pining for him. It made me think there was something more to that than just being lonely.

Anyway...i've blabbed enough. Thank you so very much for your kind and helpful words. I promise I will reread these posts many times and hope that the valuable advice soaks in...
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:18 PM   #47
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I knew he didn't pay rent because he told me and his ex-wife told me. I found many of the things he did and choices he made to be unattractive but my memories with him had already occurred and it was/is those things that I tend to focus on because they were amazing. I was alone in a small town with no friends except for a few I had made at school. I was lonely and he whirled into my life and was exciting and interesting, took me all over to do fun things together...things that only small towns can offer...fairs, swimming in the local holes, fishing etc and just made me feel amazing in a way that I hadn't in so long.

And that feeling seemed to overpower all of the negatives that I was seeing. And because of the things I was hearing about the woman he was with, it was easy for me to see him as the victim or making bad choices because he was in a miserable situation.

I wanted to see the best in him...and we tend to see what we want to see. I know I'm wrong.
Gently, CrushingHope, some do and some don't only see what they want to see.

It seems to me that you're saying that you're with someone who abuses others, but that you're able to put up a wall (close off feelings of compassion for the suffering of others) between his treatment of you and his treatment of others in order to have a good time with him.

In your place I would want to see a counselor to find out why I was able to enjoy spending time with someone whom I knew was hurting others. And why I could put a wall up so as not to feel compassion for those he was hurting.

I believe if you can learn to face your own feelings and emotions and empathize with the feelings and emotions of others, you may be able to learn to treat yourself better. It seems to me you have learned ways of dealing with yourself and others that are now hurting you and that you are wanting to learn to do better. That's a wonderful goal!

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 4th January 2018 at 11:21 PM..
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Old 4th January 2018, 11:31 PM   #48
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Gently, CrushingHope, some do and some don't only see what they want to see.

It seems to me that you're saying that you're with someone who abuses others, but that you're able to put up a wall (close off feelings of compassion for the suffering of others) between his treatment of you and his treatment of others in order to have a good time with him.

In your place I would want to see a counselor to find out why I was able to enjoy spending time with someone whom I knew was hurting others. And why I could put a wall up so as not to feel compassion for those he was hurting.

I believe if you can learn to face your own feelings and emotions and empathize with the feelings and emotions of others, you may be able to learn to treat yourself better. It seems to me you have learned ways of dealing with yourself and others that are now hurting you and that you are wanting to learn to do better. That's a wonderful goal!
I do believe you're right on some level..the fact that for some reason I am able to put up this wall. But I am actually a very compassionate and empathetic person. I went back to school to be a Nurse because of my ability (normally) to be compassionate and empathetic. So it's hurts a little for someone to say that I am not. However, I will consider these thoughts and ideas and try to understand why I'm allowing myself to be any part of his life.
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Old 5th January 2018, 12:37 AM   #49
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I knew he didn't pay rent because he told me and his ex-wife told me. I found many of the things he did and choices he made to be unattractive but my memories with him had already occurred and it was/is those things that I tend to focus on because they were amazing. I was alone in a small town with no friends except for a few I had made at school. I was lonely and he whirled into my life and was exciting and interesting, took me all over to do fun things together...things that only small towns can offer...fairs, swimming in the local holes, fishing etc and just made me feel amazing in a way that I hadn't in so long.

And that feeling seemed to overpower all of the negatives that I was seeing. And because of the things I was hearing about the woman he was with, it was easy for me to see him as the victim or making bad choices because he was in a miserable situation.

I wanted to see the best in him...and we tend to see what we want to see. I know I'm wrong.

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I do believe you're right on some level..the fact that for some reason I am able to put up this wall. But I am actually a very compassionate and empathetic person. I went back to school to be a Nurse because of my ability (normally) to be compassionate and empathetic. So it's hurts a little for someone to say that I am not. However, I will consider these thoughts and ideas and try to understand why I'm allowing myself to be any part of his life.
In the bolded text of your top quote it seemed to me you were saying that you were able to not see what you didn't want to see about what he was doing to others because you wanted to enjoy good times with him. Perhaps I misunderstood what you were trying to say about how you felt and what you did with those feelings when you learned he had hurt his in laws so drastically?

Could it be that you're a very compassionate person but that your needs are so intense that somehow a switch, so to speak, flips in you without you even realizing it and you are blinded to your compassion (compassion you normally would have felt for this guy's inlaws whom he had abused in such an extreme way)?

These are things a counselor will explore with you and for all of us when we go into counseling we are going to experience some pain, but it will be worth it for you because in the long run you will end up saving yourself from a lot of pain in future relationships.

Many times there are red flags with guys you (or anyone else) may date. Those red flags often include that he's mistreating someone else in some way. In many people this causes them to lose attraction for the person who's hurting others, so then it's easy to detach from them, there's no other choice because they are repulsed and no longer desire the person whom they now realize is an abuser. So, in feeling empathy for those who are being abused and acting on it, a side effect is that you end up protecting yourself from the abuser by no longer making yourself available to him. Because anytime you are dating someone who is hurting someone else, you can be sure that he'll think nothing of mistreating you, too.

You seem to be a very sweet and sensitive young lady. I'm so sorry for all you've gone through but truly believe this could be such a time of growth for you in getting with a counselor and taking some time to learn what's really important to you for your present and future both!

Last edited by LivingWaterPlease; 5th January 2018 at 12:41 AM..
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:09 AM   #50
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I really related to this story and your feelings remind me of my own. Think my similar sordid sad story is in my history. I cut the guy off, but it wasn’t easy.

One thing that helped me get away was keeping the focus on the fact that I did not feel like myself while engaging in the subterfuge and underhandedness necessary in these situations. It did not feel right for me. That was easier to figure out than how he felt.

Anyway, I really sympathize. These situations are hard to deal with, and you do have to be strong.
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:26 AM   #51
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This guy is not confused. He is a player.

He's got you dangling off the proverbial string. Of course he's lovely when you are together.

He is toxic also.

If you continue, you will find this man is extremely dangerous to be involved with .
He will rob you of your self respect, dignity and sanity. Already you can't see what's in front of your nose.

What is so very special about a man who runs from one woman to anther and back again???? Does he do great sex, what is it that has you looking at him with cow eyes and thinking he is a miracle.

I can see myself in you, a long time ago thank goodness. The good folk here tried to tell me too. I hung on for almost 10 years, back and forth and here I am today totally NO CONTACT and feeling much happier than before.

Please let me slap you around a bit and wake you up,

BEst wishes,

Poppy.
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:19 AM   #52
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In the bolded text of your top quote it seemed to me you were saying that you were able to not see what you didn't want to see about what he was doing to others because you wanted to enjoy good times with him. Perhaps I misunderstood what you were trying to say about how you felt and what you did with those feelings when you learned he had hurt his in laws so drastically?

Many times there are red flags with guys you (or anyone else) may date. Those red flags often include that he's mistreating someone else in some way. In many people this causes them to lose attraction for the person who's hurting others, so then it's easy to detach from them, there's no other choice because they are repulsed and no longer desire the person whom they now realize is an abuser. So, in feeling empathy for those who are being abused and acting on it, a side effect is that you end up protecting yourself from the abuser by no longer making yourself available to him. Because anytime you are dating someone who is hurting someone else, you can be sure that he'll think nothing of mistreating you, too.
I haven't been with him since the issues with the apartment/in-laws etc. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been after all of that, but I know that the way he has treated other people is something that I think about a lot and I know that it would cause a huge problem for me. I tried to talk to him about the issues he was having with his ex-in-laws. And because I cared for him, I tried to see things from his perspective (before the rent/apartment stuff even happened, and when we were still together). He told me some things that they have said/done to him and I just saw the whole thing as a very messy situation and one that I really didn't know the details of. I guess that's why I was able to look past it. That's what I meant when i said we see what we want to see. I wanted to see that he had his own issues with the way he had been treated by them in the past and that somehow that brought out the worst in him.

I don't think it would be "easy" for anyone to detach from someone who made them feel amazing and loved and all the things they've been craving from someone when they found out they had treated other people poorly. Yes it can be done, but I would doubt it would be easy. But I would say that yes, my desire to be with someone who made me feel as special as he did when we were together, definitely caused me to turn everything else off.

I know the issues here are all with me. I accept that. I know the right thing for myself but I'm not doing it and I know that's what I have to figure out more than anything. Deep down, I know I don't deserve this treatment but somehow I must believe that I do or I wouldn't be in this situation.

I'm so beyond disappointed and ashamed of myself. I haven't even told most people in my life that I'm talking to him again because I'm so deeply ashamed.

Last edited by CrushingHope; 5th January 2018 at 9:23 AM..
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Old 5th January 2018, 12:39 PM   #53
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I don't think it would be "easy" for anyone to detach from someone who made them feel amazing and loved and all the things they've been craving from someone when they found out they had treated other people poorly. Yes it can be done, but I would doubt it would be easy. But I would say that yes, my desire to be with someone who made me feel as special as he did when we were together, definitely caused me to turn everything else off.
Crushing, you're romanticizing him. You dated him for two months and soon after he left you for another woman. And it all went downhill from there.

You've magnified and idealized the little that he's given you in that short span of time into the love story of your lifetime. That is also indicative of how little you believe you deserve and how warped your sense of being loved and cared for means in your mind. You need to figure out why you've placed someone like him on a pedestal.

I don't even think you love him. I think you're so desperate to be loved that you're hungry for just about anything to fill your soul. I've been where you are -- until you fill that void on your own, you'll be seeking attention and love in all the wrong places.
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Old 5th January 2018, 1:36 PM   #54
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I haven't been with him since the issues with the apartment/in-laws etc. I'm not saying that I wouldn't have been after all of that, but I know that the way he has treated other people is something that I think about a lot and I know that it would cause a huge problem for me.
This is good to read, CH! Seems you're on a pathway to extricating yourself from this situation. Also, have noticed you have the ability to accept criticism and weigh it honestly and objectively! Imo, that takes courage and humility both. You're going to be so much better off after you've put this behind you! Don't beat yourself up, just move on. I can imagine you've learned a lot from all of this that will help you in the future! But, still would be great and most likely growth producing to get into IC. Just wishing you the very best and I believe chances are great that you'll have it!
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Old 5th January 2018, 1:56 PM   #55
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The thing that has finally gotten me to the point of maybe (just being honest) letting go of my MM now is working on myself, feeling better about myself and realizing I really do deserve better, as we all do. I found a lot of the free articles available on Jane Garapick's "Getting to true love" website very helpful.
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:41 PM   #56
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Crushing, you're romanticizing him. You dated him for two months and soon after he left you for another woman. And it all went downhill from there.

You've magnified and idealized the little that he's given you in that short span of time into the love story of your lifetime. That is also indicative of how little you believe you deserve and how warped your sense of being loved and cared for means in your mind. You need to figure out why you've placed someone like him on a pedestal.

I don't even think you love him. I think you're so desperate to be loved that you're hungry for just about anything to fill your soul. I've been where you are -- until you fill that void on your own, you'll be seeking attention and love in all the wrong places.
I feel like I can see what I'm doing. I can tell, logically, that I am romanticizing him. I don't think I love him either. I have figured that out over the last year of trying to get over this...I love how he made me feel, and who I was when we were together. I did love certain things about him, but I know I didn't know him well enough to love him.

I just don't know why I can't let it go when I know these things logically. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll prove me wrong, that he'll choose me and that it was all worth waiting for.

But as I sit here today at almost 2pm without a word from him after almost 6 weeks of "good morning beautiful xo"s every day, I panic at the thought that he has decided to stop talking to me.

I know there has to be something seriously wrong with me. I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, actually.

I'm sorry to sound pathetic. I don't have anywhere to turn. I am struggling so hard with this. I went out for a few hours just to get out of the house. I don't want to burden friends with this anymore and I don't know what else to do. I'm just sitting here bawling my face off. It makes no sense. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:49 PM   #57
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The thing that has finally gotten me to the point of maybe (just being honest) letting go of my MM now is working on myself, feeling better about myself and realizing I really do deserve better, as we all do. I found a lot of the free articles available on Jane Garapick's "Getting to true love" website very helpful.
Thank you. I will look at that website. I know I could use all the help I can find. I know I don't have enough self-worth. I don't know why. I just don't believe I deserve love I guess and I accept far less than I deserve. This has to change but I don't know how.
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Old 5th January 2018, 2:50 PM   #58
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This is good to read, CH! Seems you're on a pathway to extricating yourself from this situation. Also, have noticed you have the ability to accept criticism and weigh it honestly and objectively! Imo, that takes courage and humility both. You're going to be so much better off after you've put this behind you! Don't beat yourself up, just move on. I can imagine you've learned a lot from all of this that will help you in the future! But, still would be great and most likely growth producing to get into IC. Just wishing you the very best and I believe chances are great that you'll have it!
I hope you're right. I'm a good person and I do know what's right for me. I just have to find the courage to walk away but I'm so pulled in by it that I can't seem to break free. I know I'm getting closer. I have to accept that that counts for something and just keep adding to it. Thank you for your kind words and advice. I am so grateful that people are taking the time to help a stranger in need.
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Old 5th January 2018, 3:26 PM   #59
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This is what you will continue to face...

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Originally Posted by CrushingHope View Post
I feel like I can see what I'm doing. I can tell, logically, that I am romanticizing him. I don't think I love him either. I have figured that out over the last year of trying to get over this...I love how he made me feel, and who I was when we were together. I did love certain things about him, but I know I didn't know him well enough to love him.

I just don't know why I can't let it go when I know these things logically. I guess I just keep hoping that he'll prove me wrong, that he'll choose me and that it was all worth waiting for.

But as I sit here today at almost 2pm without a word from him after almost 6 weeks of "good morning beautiful xo"s every day, I panic at the thought that he has decided to stop talking to me.

I know there has to be something seriously wrong with me. I can't take this feeling anymore. I feel like I'm going crazy. Like, actually.

I'm sorry to sound pathetic. I don't have anywhere to turn. I am struggling so hard with this. I went out for a few hours just to get out of the house. I don't want to burden friends with this anymore and I don't know what else to do. I'm just sitting here bawling my face off. It makes no sense. I don't want to feel like this anymore.
This is what you will continue to face... if you don't get out.

He will not leave her for you. That much should be clear.

I know it is hard, but you have to let go...
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Old 5th January 2018, 3:52 PM   #60
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This is what you will continue to face... if you don't get out.

He will not leave her for you. That much should be clear.

I know it is hard, but you have to let go...
I guess it doesn't feel clear because he's done it before...back and forth...so it always feels like there's a chance. But I shouldn't sit here and wait. He pulls me in to make me have believe in the chance....I just don't know why he does this.
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