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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 6th February 2018, 7:36 AM   #226
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And you're right. I can't fix him. And I can't be enough for him to want to fix himself. Even his own kids aren't enough. He has to want to change on his own. I know.
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Old 6th February 2018, 8:17 AM   #227
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So is the weight of the delusion you're struggling with. I don't know if "delusion" is the right word, but I can't think of a better word at the moment. There is a freedom in letting go. I don't know, I was an OW when I was young, and when I finally ended it, I felt mostly relief. I felt I had returned to a world where things made sense, and I didn't have to lie to myself or rationalize the affair. That was a tremendous relief. I think the split may have been easier because we lived in different cities.
I think the idea of returning to a world that makes sense is something I need to focus on. This world with him has been so confusing. And where a lot of people would quickly see that as toxic and move on, I felt a strong desire to get to the bottom of it and make sense of it all. And that somehow when I was finally able to do that, I would have him. The "prize". But I have found out the secret now and I still don't have him and he's not a prize. Life with him would not be a good one. It would just be more of what I have struggled with over the last two years, not less.
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Old 6th February 2018, 11:19 AM   #228
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This job is just a stepping stone. It's a very entry level position in the gov't and I literally have ONE task that I do over and over. It's glorified data entry and not at all what I was led to believe it would be. However, I'm transitioning into the gov't and know i have to start at the bottom. They know how quickly people move out of this position and it's not frowned upon to look for other roles in the hours of down time. So, I've begun already. The team is small and my job has nothing to do with them so it's going to take an extra effort to be friends. But I know I have to try. I just feel so miserable that I don't even want to reach out.

I know in my heart that I have to let my ex go. I keep telling myself that he's not who I thought/wanted him to be. I keep trying and trying and trying to let it go but I keep coming back to him. I am feeling like I'm at the place I was before I went to NC last time and lasted for 4 months. I just know he won't answer any of my questions and continuing to reach out makes me look so pathetic. I hope to be able to stop now.

It just seems like nothing feels good anymore.

How do people deal with this kind of depression without medication?
I know you said you can't afford a therapist right now, but is it possible for you to see a general doctor right now to get antidepressants? They're usually pretty good about prescribing them. I went through NC/breakups with my xMM multiple times and I can tell you that the breakups on Zoloft were SO much easier to handle. It's not that you don't feel any sadness, but it takes the obsessive edge off; at least it did for me.
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Old 6th February 2018, 1:59 PM   #229
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I know you said you can't afford a therapist right now, but is it possible for you to see a general doctor right now to get antidepressants? They're usually pretty good about prescribing them. I went through NC/breakups with my xMM multiple times and I can tell you that the breakups on Zoloft were SO much easier to handle. It's not that you don't feel any sadness, but it takes the obsessive edge off; at least it did for me.
Hi LD, yeah I've thought about this a lot. I'm really nervous about the idea of trying meds. I've never been much of a pills person and the idea of it kind of scares me. I suppose, though, the idea of being like this any longer is also a fear.

I have managed to find some counselling services through my work that allows you up to 8 free sessions. If more is required then it's out of pocket but by then my work benefits may have kicked in. I'm going to make a call today to get my appointment. I can't go on feeling this way. I feel very controlled by this situation and living day to day in misery.
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Old 7th February 2018, 8:24 AM   #230
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I am struggling with NC. I'm committed to not texting and I have kept up with that for a couple of weeks. But I keep searching for things about him on social media even though he's not really on there much and had deleted his FB account a few months ago after being hacked.

Yesterday I looked his name up on FB for the first time in a while and saw that he had an account again.

I keep opening up this scab. It's really bad for me and I need to stop doing this. So I'm adding it to my NC rule and going to really try hard not to look. I haven't at all so far today and will take it hour by hour. I have to stop thinking that whatever I do can change anything on his end.

I'm writing here instead. I have to do this.
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Old 8th February 2018, 10:43 PM   #231
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I am struggling with NC. I'm committed to not texting and I have kept up with that for a couple of weeks. But I keep searching for things about him on social media even though he's not really on there much and had deleted his FB account a few months ago after being hacked.

Yesterday I looked his name up on FB for the first time in a while and saw that he had an account again.

I keep opening up this scab. It's really bad for me and I need to stop doing this. So I'm adding it to my NC rule and going to really try hard not to look. I haven't at all so far today and will take it hour by hour. I have to stop thinking that whatever I do can change anything on his end.

I'm writing here instead. I have to do this.
The social media thing has been really tough for me. No in person contact with MM in nearly 8 months, but only a week NC with social media. Someone told me looking at that stuff is like dosing yourself with poison. Iím trying to keep that in mind. Hang in there CH.
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Old 9th February 2018, 9:13 AM   #232
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The social media thing has been really tough for me. No in person contact with MM in nearly 8 months, but only a week NC with social media. Someone told me looking at that stuff is like dosing yourself with poison. Iím trying to keep that in mind. Hang in there CH.
I hear you. I think it's especially hard because we make up our own stories behind what we see on social media and that's detrimental in the best of times. I'm either looking for some sort of confirmation that he's as miserable as he's said he is in order to make myself feel better or I'm looking for something that will make me move on. Neither have the outcome I want. And I always feel worse afterwards.

Seeing him or his words keep me us connected to them on some level. And keeps us pining. It's so unhealthy. I don't want to live an unhealthy life anymore.

We don't get this time back. I'm trying to focus on that.

I've started to take baby steps out of this. I've made a counselling appointment for next week, I've been reading You Are a Badass (amazing self help book) and I've begun doing some things again that I used to enjoy. I'm not fully enjoying them yet but I'm proud of my efforts so far.

Above all I know I can't help him. He has to want to change.
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Old 9th February 2018, 10:05 PM   #233
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I hear you. I think it's especially hard because we make up our own stories behind what we see on social media and that's detrimental in the best of times. I'm either looking for some sort of confirmation that he's as miserable as he's said he is in order to make myself feel better or I'm looking for something that will make me move on. Neither have the outcome I want. And I always feel worse afterwards.
I think thatís a really good point about making up stories. Mine are always worst case scenario because, well, I know what he was doing with me during his lunch hour. Anyway, it really doesnít matter and I kind of feel sorry for him that heís so empty inside that he tries to fill the void with meaningless sex.

Iím trying to address my own addictive tendencies too.
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Old 10th February 2018, 10:19 AM   #234
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I think thatís a really good point about making up stories. Mine are always worst case scenario because, well, I know what he was doing with me during his lunch hour. Anyway, it really doesnít matter and I kind of feel sorry for him that heís so empty inside that he tries to fill the void with meaningless sex.

Iím trying to address my own addictive tendencies too.
He's actually the one who mentioned the "stories" thing...not based on social media but based on certain things he was doing with her. Like, he would tell me they went to the casino the night before and because we had gone to the casino together when we were dating and had such a good time, I assume that's exactly what they're doing. He said the stories in my head aren't the truth of what's going on. And although he was a jerk for not giving me more answers about things, he was right about that in the sense that no matter what I think, it's not very likely the truth, so it's pointless to think about.

I have blocked him from fb. Not that I was friends with him, but I could still look at certain aspects of his profile. So I blocked him so I wouldn't be able to go look so easily. I blocked his gf and some other people too. It has helped a little.

I'm really trying to move on. I can't say that I don't miss him obviously or would have liked things to be different. I just keep reminding myself that even if he came back to me, he is no good to me as he is. If he changed his life, who knows. But as it stands, he's not, so it's not good for me.

I have definitely had some brighter moments over the last few days. I'm feeling more hopeful that things will shift.
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Old 14th February 2018, 8:42 AM   #235
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Obviously a tough day when your heart still aches for someone.

I know I won't hear from him and I won't text him either. But it's so hard not to think about him today and what could have been if things were different...

Going to my first therapy session tonight. I guess it's probably the right day for it.

I just want to forget I ever met him.
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Old 14th February 2018, 9:22 PM   #236
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Hang in there and stay strong! I hope therapy helps you move forward with the focus on you.

It's normal to have down days, and yes today is probably a big one for many of us. Even though I'm very determined to move on I was thinking about the flowers he sent me last year. But then I reminded myself that he probably sent his BW a bigger better floral arrangement, in addition to taking her out for dinner!
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Old 17th February 2018, 1:46 PM   #237
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It really doesn't matter whether Woman #1 is a sinner or a saint. He's chosen to be with her, not you.
Don't look at what he says. Does he put you first? No. Lose his number and tell him you want a man who is 100% available. It may be your only hope of getting a better man.
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Old 17th February 2018, 2:04 PM   #238
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Originally Posted by CrushingHope View Post
I hear you. I think it's especially hard because we make up our own stories behind what we see on social media and that's detrimental in the best of times. I'm either looking for some sort of confirmation that he's as miserable as he's said he is in order to make myself feel better or I'm looking for something that will make me move on. Neither have the outcome I want. And I always feel worse afterwards.

Seeing him or his words keep me us connected to them on some level. And keeps us pining. It's so unhealthy. I don't want to live an unhealthy life anymore.

We don't get this time back. I'm trying to focus on that.

I've started to take baby steps out of this. I've made a counselling appointment for next week, I've been reading You Are a Badass (amazing self help book) and I've begun doing some things again that I used to enjoy. I'm not fully enjoying them yet but I'm proud of my efforts so far.

Above all I know I can't help him. He has to want to change.
Social media can be a great source of pointless torment. I'm an old lady, so my affairs predated the Internet. I would just block or unfollow him and anyone who might post pictures of him. I killed off my FB account months ago, but that was because it was such a huge time waster and I talk on the phone to the people I really care about.
You should be proud of your efforts. You are doing the necessary. Brava!
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Old 23rd February 2018, 10:29 AM   #239
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One step forward, two steps back

I am trying to move forward. I'm having a hard time not thinking of him with her on vacation. I know they won't be doing the things that we would do together... But still... That's who he's with. And not me.
I have put myself on a dating site again and it just feels so wrong in my heart. I go through the motions of talking to people and stuff but it just highlights the fact that I'm not ready and don't find myself wanting to be with anyone else. None of them are him so they don't feel good to me.

My best friend shared some good news with me. She's pregnant at 39 with her first child. Things are just working out so well for her now. And I'm so pleased for her. She is amazing and totally deserves it. When I got off the phone, I felt a jolt of wanting my life to be better. And I was finally going to make the changes I need to make and have a better outlook. I went to bed feeling that I could have a good life too. But when I woke up, it was back to my bitter, sad feelings of despair and that the universe hates me.

My counsellor double booked herself yesterday and I easily gave up my spot because the other client's sister committed suicide and clearly took precedent over my inability to get my life together. But I needed that appointment. And now it will be two weeks before I have the next one.

I'm so tired of just floating here.

Thanks for listening.
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Old 23rd February 2018, 11:06 AM   #240
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I am trying to move forward. I'm having a hard time not thinking of him with her on vacation. I know they won't be doing the things that we would do together... But still... That's who he's with. And not me.
Try to stop romanticizing. It doesn't help you to breed these type of thoughts in your head because the more you idealize him/the past, the more you cling to a fantasy. Stay in your reality. You don't even know what they're doing on their vacation so those type of thoughts are irrational.

How do you know they are on vacation?

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I have put myself on a dating site again and it just feels so wrong in my heart. I go through the motions of talking to people and stuff but it just highlights the fact that I'm not ready and don't find myself wanting to be with anyone else. None of them are him so they don't feel good to me.
Remove yourself from the dating site.
1) You are not healthy for anyone
2) Your man-picker is broken and you stand the chance of picking another bad apple since you are clouded and needing a man to make you whole
3) It's unfair to those who are coming to the table with emotional availability
4) You're going to keep comparing every man that crosses you and it will be a constant dig into the wound
5) Seeking an ego boost/attention on a dating site is counter productive to your healing and self-development. If you want to come out stronger and wiser -- you need to stand on your own two feet, weather the pain rather than lean on a crutch (dating site)

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I went to bed feeling that I could have a good life too. But when I woke up, it was back to my bitter, sad feelings of despair and that the universe hates me.
And that is normal. You are grieving and you'll go up and down with your emotions. Stop beating yourself up. Healing doesn't come overnight. It's going to take awhile -- you need to be diligent with your therapy and disciplined with managing your thoughts and what you do with your time.
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One regret, my dear world, that I am determined not to have when I am lying on my deathbed is that I did not kiss you enough ~ Hafiz

Last edited by Zahara; 23rd February 2018 at 11:14 AM..
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