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I posted a while ago about my affair with MM whose family was also family friends (of course, not anymore). I'm MW with 2 kids in dead marriage that was an arranged marriage. If you followed my story ,you know MM walked away from the affair stating he plans on making it work with the wife (while I was dealing with cancer and treatments). So, I let it be to focus on my health. The past 11 months of NC helped me stabilize and put for focus back on my kids.

 

However over NYE, I felt a serious pang of hurt and pain again and contacted MM. He responded wondering what happened that I reached after these months. He never gave me a chance to say anything but he mentioned he and his wife were filing for divorce in match 18. And he asked me to close the chapter and move on and focus on my family. I asked him if he was seeing anyone else (which I sort of suspected he was based on his social media), he denied it saying I never really knew him if I was asking these questions. And lo behold, few hours after the conversation, he deletes this woman from his FB and the lady removes her FB profile next. Dead give away isn't it ?

 

So, I pinged him next day to have an honest conversation about us ( because I wasn't able to get over him in the past year and was considering if k should leave the marriage) and he messages me saying if I can't get over him to divorce or else there is nothing to talk about and blames me for telling his wife about the affair( long story , I told his wife a few months after she contacted my husband to spill beans about her knowing the affair). And he went on to block me.

 

I wanted to take time out nd think clearly before making any moves because my kids lives are involved here. But this guy is just wow !! He leads me into a passionate affair, then dumped me over and over to keep his marriage intact. Now the wife wants divorce and he immediately starts joining a divorce group fishing for new prospects, all the while never reaching out to me. And when I reached out , he didn't even bother to ask me about my health or why I contacted him year of NC. And he goes onto see new women.

 

Is there anything to salvage here ? Or he is just an unhealthy guy over all. I've been conflicted all along because I've loved him deeply. I do not know if my husband and I can make it work. I've been contemplating divorce ,just needed the courage to make it happen given both sides of families will be devastated , kids lives disrupted. What is the right thing to do. Is the MM a lost cause and a flawed man? Should I leave my marriage for him or leave my marriage regardless? My DH has no energy to work on the dead marriage and he basically told me if I cannot stay put for the kids and suck it up, he will be ok if I file for divorce. Sigh. Life is so hard, decisions 're so hard . But I do not want to divorce and end up with a man who makes my life full of drama. I want to make the right choice and the best choice for my kids. Help me out here folks.

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somanymistakes
He responded wondering what happened that I reached after these months. He never gave me a chance to say anything but he mentioned he and his wife were filing for divorce in match 18. And he asked me to close the chapter and move on and focus on my family.

 

That sure doesn't sound like he's hoping to get back together with you... or even interested.

 

He could have said "I realised I've loved you all along! I'm going to be free! Are you?" but he didn't.

 

He could have said "My wife and I couldn't make it work. I don't know if you and I can make it work either. How are things going with you?" but he didn't.

 

Instead he was like "Yeah, we're splitting up, but you should focus on your own family. Go away."

 

He told you to get over him, close the chapter, move on, and when you kept asking, he blocked you. How much more of an "it's over" message do you need him to say?

 

There are no moves for you to make here. He wants nothing to do with you. He doesn't care about you, and he's not worth your time. This is not a good man.

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I couldn't edit the post , so posting a reply with more info which didn't go through first time .

 

Before he blocked he , he said he would be happy to return the favor and tell my husband the juicy details of the affair since I told his wife about the affair. He was so angry and bitter and blames me for his pending divorce. He hasn't taken personal responsibility for his actions and instead thinks me telling his wife it wasn't just an emotional affair but a physical affair caused the divorce. I was NC a whole year , instead of fixing his marriage or making an effort , he accepts his marriage is a lost cause, he joins divorce groups and starts seeing new prospects! Wow. All this while still living with his wife , house isn't on sale yet, divorce isn't filed yet! Unbelievable. My head is spinning . He was in love with me and said he couldn't live without me. Then why when the wife is divorcing , he hasn't reached out to me to see if we could work it out? I think he has a solid new prospect in place. I'm really sad and feel hurt for wasting my 3 years of life on him and now he BLOCKS me. I'm just horrified , I feel numb. What is left for me to Do?

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Listen, You need to get out of this...

 

He is not the one, I know you think you love him, but let's be real. It is an affair.

 

If you do not want your husband, then divorce him. But this guy is just playing you and he has been for a while.

 

Trust me, I know what I am talking about...

 

Just end it...

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CautiouslyOptimistic
Listen, You need to get out of this...

 

He is not the one, I know you think you love him, but let's be real. It is an affair.

 

If you do not want your husband, then divorce him. But this guy is just playing you and he has been for a while.

 

Trust me, I know what I am talking about...

 

Just end it...

 

Agree.

 

And, you actually don't have any choices here with regard to this man. He's made that clear. The only choices within your control are those involving your own marriage.

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eye of the storm

You are hanging onto a rock. Let go. Fix or end your marriage.

 

 

Do not make any decisions based on what you hope this guy is going to do/not do.

 

 

But he has been very clear with you. He is done. And if you keep trying to hang onto him he is going to go nuclear on your family.

 

 

All the stuff about him dating and surfing divorce groups is not the problem. You need to let go. You two had an A. Your relationship ended when the A ended. It doesn't matter what he said or all the professions of love. What matters is now he wants nothing to do with you.

 

 

Let go, heal, and move on.

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OP your situation is actually typical of what happens when the MM finally divorces, he no longer wants the OW but someone new. I think the OW usually reminds them of the breakup of their marriage. In your case you definitely did but I'm glad for his wife that she found out and dropped him. You seem to be blaming your affair partner for you entering the affair but that decision was yours and yours only so own it and take responsibility. You are still not over him because you are contacting him. He has moved on to a new life. If your marriage is dead, your husband doesn't care if you divorce and leave, so do it. I know you say you have to think about your kids and then you go on to say your focus is now back on your kids. So the kids apparently weren't a priority when you were in the affair. The best thing for the kids is to have happy parents and be in a happy home. BTW, when you were telling MM's wife about the affair did you also inform your husband? What made you tell?

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Sorry, I didn't post all the details of the backstory. Yes, we had 2 D-days and my husband is fully aware of the affair. And he wanted me to stay and try. Which we have been unable to make headway. He committed to seeing a counselor but never followed through with it.

 

Here is link to my original post. Sorry don't know how to link. Subject : Reached the end of sanity. Hurt in marriage and in affair (It is on page 2 of OM/OW forum.

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Sorry, I didn't post all the details of the backstory. Yes, we had 2 D-days and my husband is fully aware of the affair. And he wanted me to stay and try. Which we have been unable to make headway. He committed to seeing a counselor but never followed through with it.

 

Here is link to my original post. Sorry don't know how to link. Subject : Reached the end of sanity. Hurt in marriage and in affair (It is on page 2 of OM/OW forum.

 

Well... From your post, frankly dear, you sound totally entitled and blame everyone in the world, but you, for your affair.

 

I bet you expected your H to fix all the problems in your marriage instead of helping him heal from your affair, which is the order that you should have gone in.

 

You actually seem to take no responsibility at all for the affair. I am not sure what H would be able to do that any how.

 

Besides you probably don't respect him because he did not kick you to the curb which is what you deserve.

 

Why don't you divorce him and move on. I really don't think you are cut out for reconciling a marriage...

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Sorry, I didn't post all the details of the backstory. Yes, we had 2 D-days and my husband is fully aware of the affair. And he wanted me to stay and try. Which we have been unable to make headway. He committed to seeing a counselor but never followed through with it.

 

 

I'm sure you promised not to contact MM again but here you are still pinning for him. It wasn't up to your husband to make this right it was up to you as you were the one involved in an affair that blew up 2 marriages. You need to start taking responsibility for what you have done.

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Well... From your post, frankly dear, you sound totally entitled and blame everyone in the world, but you, for your affair.

 

I bet you expected your H to fix all the problems in your marriage instead of helping him heal from your affair, which is the order that you should have gone in.

 

You actually seem to take no responsibility at all for the affair. I am not sure what H would be able to do that any how.

 

Besides you probably don't respect him because he did not kick you to the curb which is what you deserve.

 

Why don't you divorce him and move on. I really don't think you are cut out for reconciling a marriage...

 

I do know the part I played in the affair. Which is why I stayed in the marriage to give it chance and make it work. I think it will really make sense if you read my old post, it has all the details of how everything happened.

 

I had every opportunity to leave the marriage and end up with MM throughout the affair but I didn't mainly because I didn't want to put the kids and husband though the divorce, knowing it would cause huge mess in everyone's lives. I worked hard to fix the marriage. But I was unable to get over the affair.

 

DH isn't interested in working out the issues(It's been this was since) and the affair and my cancer didn't change any of it. We are farther than we were. However I do care a lot for him as a father of my kids and I definitely want to err on the right side than divorce in haste.

 

In order for me to heal ,I need to close the MM chapter , though the affair ended , he still occupies my heart and I held out hope that he would realize how he recklessly hurt me, when all I did was confide in him as a family friend and he saw an opportunity and pushed for the romantic angle, which I agree I was starving for.

 

I'm trying to see what true colors of MM are ,so I can finally close that door and work on fixing the marriage or ending it.

 

I want to do it for the right reasons and not because someone is forcing my hand to make a decision . I've asked DH to divorce because I wasn't loyal to him. But he agreed he pushed me to the breaking point of having an affair ( see my original thread).

 

Again, I accept my part. I've been weak to leave the marriage, I if kids with DH because I wanted kids and things got uglier. I accept i have mental illness mad BPD nd unresolved sexual abuse issues from childhood and the abuse DH netted out during the course or marriage didn't help

 

I'm stuck in a rut. I know I have to make a decision. Making a marriage work is unfortunately not in my hands alone . I cannot make DH feel for me or make him work on himself. I cannot make MM love me truly if he was only playing me when it suited him. May be my answer is in walking away from both men. End the love i have for him in my heart as he was ever the only man who got so close to my heart . And end it with DH who I feel duty and responsibility as a wife and that I need to be on his side because he cares for me during my cancer episodes. I'm seriously torn nd lost .

 

I do not need judgment from you guys. I'm already paying for what I've done . Please keep in mond, we are arent the same, samw culture or bckground . So whts so obvious for you, may kot be for me. And my situtions may be veru unoque to me. All I need is a way to get out of this mess and make my life peaceful again with or without a man. I want to be happy and peaceful again , the way I always used to be despite the baggage I've been carrying all along.

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CautiouslyOptimistic

In order for me to heal ,I need to close the MM chapter , though the affair ended , he still occupies my heart and I held out hope that he would realize how he recklessly hurt me, when all I did was confide in him as a family friend and he saw an opportunity and pushed for the romantic angle, which I agree I was starving for.

 

 

Sounds like you're blaming MM for the affair as if he tricked you into it. You still had a choice, though.

 

I think you can feel sure about closing the MM chapter since he has already taken the book from you and burned it.

 

Best of luck in your marriage. I'm sure it is difficult to feel like you're the only one trying to fix it.

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Hurt,

 

You are fifty percent responsible for what has happened. Why are you blaming xMM. You are a grown woman.

 

It sounds to me like you have been doing a lot of snooping on his social media.

You know a lot of details. That is not NC. Block him.

 

One day you might come back and read how unstable you sound at this time.

What gives you the idea that there is anything to be gained from pursuing him?

 

He has told you very clearly he is done with you. He could have bitter feelings against you told his wife. Move on from him and stop stalking him. Have a little dignity and stop begging.

 

Poppy.

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Hurt,

 

You are fifty percent responsible for what has happened. Why are you blaming xMM. You are a grown woman.

 

It sounds to me like you have been doing a lot of snooping on his social media.

You know a lot of details. That is not NC. Block him.

 

One day you might come back and read how unstable you sound at this time.

What gives you the idea that there is anything to be gained from pursuing him?

 

He has told you very clearly he is done with you. He could have bitter feelings against you told his wife. Move on from him and stop stalking him. Have a little dignity and stop begging.

 

Poppy.

 

You're right . I'm totally unstable. Yes, I've been stalking his social media constantly. He was the one who ended the affair , I respected his decision but I held out hope that one day he will reach out nd treat me with dignity and respect and ask me if I wanted a respectable future with him. Not as a trade in he wanted during the affair.

 

It's hard to imagine he has bitter feelings for me because he continued the affair with me chasing me down 2 years post me telling his wife. He never said he loved the wife or wanted to end affair. He only kept saying he loved me ane i was the onky sane thing in his life. All along asking me to divorce so he can divorce as well. I guess all of that changed now. But my sixth sense told me there's something unhealty and odd about this man. And each time I wanted to talk about the well being about my kids if I were to marry him, he would say "That's fine dear, let's just have the affair". He never addressed my concerns about my kids and how we would handle my concerns. He didn't seem like he is capable of being a good man to my kids though he knew them in very close quarters being family friend for 20 years already . I was hoping against hope he would have a proper sit down talk with me one day with respect and dignity And I would tell him why I didn't pursue a marriage with him and we would resolve the gaps. I guess now that it is final and he is bitter agaiant ME and his inability to really take time out for me, that's with it hurts.

 

Anyways , true. I'm unstable, stalking, messages him when he didn't want to talk. Ugly as hell. I hope the only way now is upwards from here. And true currently I have no clue how to make my marriage healthy and normal all by myself or end it. Need to get back on my medication to stabilize my moods. I need to get back on track and have a plan from having the extreme moods. I was doing fairly well for a year NC and now I don't know what gotten into me. At least I know where I stand. On the side of indignity , no love, no respect and no care on his part.

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He's not one bit interested in you. You were good enough for an affair, but nothing more.

 

He didn't want the hassle of your children. He was after the easy sex.

 

Should I leave my marriage for him

 

He doesnt want you. You broke the rules by telling his wife. He's done with you.

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I do know the part I played in the affair. Which is why I stayed in the marriage to give it chance and make it work. I think it will really make sense if you read my old post, it has all the details of how everything happened.

 

I had every opportunity to leave the marriage and end up with MM throughout the affair but I didn't mainly because I didn't want to put the kids and husband though the divorce, knowing it would cause huge mess in everyone's lives. I worked hard to fix the marriage. But I was unable to get over the affair.

 

DH isn't interested in working out the issues(It's been this was since) and the affair and my cancer didn't change any of it. We are farther than we were. However I do care a lot for him as a father of my kids and I definitely want to err on the right side than divorce in haste.

 

In order for me to heal ,I need to close the MM chapter , though the affair ended , he still occupies my heart and I held out hope that he would realize how he recklessly hurt me, when all I did was confide in him as a family friend and he saw an opportunity and pushed for the romantic angle, which I agree I was starving for.

 

I'm trying to see what true colors of MM are ,so I can finally close that door and work on fixing the marriage or ending it.

 

I want to do it for the right reasons and not because someone is forcing my hand to make a decision . I've asked DH to divorce because I wasn't loyal to him. But he agreed he pushed me to the breaking point of having an affair ( see my original thread).

 

Again, I accept my part. I've been weak to leave the marriage, I if kids with DH because I wanted kids and things got uglier. I accept i have mental illness mad BPD nd unresolved sexual abuse issues from childhood and the abuse DH netted out during the course or marriage didn't help

 

I'm stuck in a rut. I know I have to make a decision. Making a marriage work is unfortunately not in my hands alone . I cannot make DH feel for me or make him work on himself. I cannot make MM love me truly if he was only playing me when it suited him. May be my answer is in walking away from both men. End the love i have for him in my heart as he was ever the only man who got so close to my heart . And end it with DH who I feel duty and responsibility as a wife and that I need to be on his side because he cares for me during my cancer episodes. I'm seriously torn nd lost .

 

I do not need judgment from you guys. I'm already paying for what I've done . Please keep in mond, we are arent the same, samw culture or bckground . So whts so obvious for you, may kot be for me. And my situtions may be veru unoque to me. All I need is a way to get out of this mess and make my life peaceful again with or without a man. I want to be happy and peaceful again , the way I always used to be despite the baggage I've been carrying all along.

 

What you call judgment is simply the truth...

 

And your post just proved my point. You see, once you have an affair, the "Problems" in your marriage go to the wayside, YOU in fact are the problem, not your husband.

 

Even after three years you cannot see that, so I am guessing that you never will.

 

You would be doing your husband a favor by divorcing him. There are people that are simply to entitled and selfish to understand what they have done and why everyone (read your husband) won't do everything that you think they should. Your husband won't fix the problems is the marriage, so you are not happy. What have you fixed?: Because I can tell by your posts that you have done absolutely nothing to fix any of the damage that your affair has caused. Your husband is a fool to even want to stay with you.

 

That should read, "if he was not such a DI**, then I would not have had an affair." You have no idea what you are talking about.

 

You betrayed your husband in the absolute worst way possible, and you blame him for it. How insane is that???

 

You also blame your OM because he hurt you and used you. Yes he did, he used you for sex and you used him for emotional support and attention.

 

Problem is you fell in love with the fantasy and he did not. If he really loved you he would have divorced his wife and married you, but he did not.

 

You were simply extra action, and believe me, that was all you were.

 

OP, you have go to wake up to the realities of this affair, realities about your immaturity and selfishness, and the realities of your marriage.

 

No matter how bad your husband was, He did not cause your affair, He is not responsible for your affair and above all, He did not deserve to be treated the way that you treated him.

 

I truly feel sorry for you, so let me tell you something. No matter how beautiful you are on the outside, you are now tainted. Any smart man will be leery of you when they find out who you really are.

 

Most of all I feel sorry for your husband and your children, because you have wrecked their lives and you are continuing to. And you simply cannot see what is going on around you...

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Appreciate everyone's responses. It's good to hear various angles of this mess I've gotten into. Some responses helped more than others but the message is pretty much the same. Move on and heal. I have a few concrete steps in place to start healing. Blocked the xMM on all apps. Need a proper plan in place for when I hit the blues and start wondering about the AP. This happens especially when I have PMS and I have asked the doctor to start me back on medications.

 

As for the marriage, I am fully aware of my DH and his personality and how he and I contributed to the death of the marriage. Do not want to wash my dirty laundry on here. But I do hope he walks into the marriage counselling sessions with an end goal of a resolution one way or another. But inaction will not help it in anyways. It will just cause us more resentment and pain. I'm tired of him sweeping the issues under the rug and him pretending that ignoring issues will cause them to go away. The 1000s of letters and emails I wrote to him expressing myself and asking for him to be an active partner in the marriage went unacknowledged till date!! All my cries for help and love went unnoticed. If he I gay or has someone else in his life, I am ready to accept it. But I need to know why he withdrew from the marriage from day 1. I suppose the affair at least helped him to start thinking! Or that is my hope!! It will be a long road to recovery, but it starts with a small step. I am willing to give this a 100% shot but only if he wants to work on the marriage. Just marrying me and leaving me to dust may have worked in my parents generation, back in those days where I originally come from . But it doesn't work anymore.

 

I will need all the luck in the world and I'm glad to have found people who actually understand what I'm going through. For that I'm thankful.

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Bittersweetie
I'm trying to see what true colors of MM are ,so I can finally close that door and work on fixing the marriage or ending it.

 

I have said this before and will say it again: there are some questions in life that you will never get the answer to.

 

It took me years...decades...to learn this lesson. Years I wasted wondering about why someone did what they did, said what they said. Years I could've spent focusing my mental energy on more positive stuff.

 

You will never see MM's true colors at this point, you will never know why he's done what he's done. Yes, it sucks and hurts and is not fair. But it is what it is.

 

Moving forward focus on yourself, why you did what you did. Actions you can take to improve your marriage, heal your husband. Look at your part, the things you had control over, and examine why you made the choices you did. Then think about what needs to change. It's not easy looking at oneself after cheating on a spouse...it's much easier to wonder about the AP. But your mental energy needs to be turned inward if you truly want to come out of this a better person.

 

Good luck.

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Hurtinlove, I sympathize with you, because you seem to be in a great deal of pain. But you're right: you are in a mess. Please don't become paralyzed by the fact that you're head deep in a nasty mess, start wading through it to find your way out. It will take a fantastic amount of time and effort and self-reflection. But it can be done. We're rooting for you to stop with the false starts and get underway, despite the feelings of anguish and despair.

 

I truly feel sorry for you, so let me tell you something. No matter how beautiful you are on the outside, you are now tainted. Any smart man will be leery of you when they find out who you really are.

 

BluesPower, I absolutely respect your viewpoint and enjoy reading your posts. Can you help me with what you stated here? You see, one of my biggest struggles as an xOW is one of being "tainted" and "unworthy" of love and a genuine relationship. I have written about it before in other threads. If it's not too much trouble, can you explain exactly what you meant when you wrote the above statements. I can assume why you wrote what you did to Hurtinlove, but I would like an explanation from the horse's mouth, as the saying goes... Furthermore, in your opinion, is there anything she can do to remove the stain from her person? Inquiring minds need to know. Thanks in advance.

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Appreciate everyone's responses. It's good to hear various angles of this mess I've gotten into. Some responses helped more than others but the message is pretty much the same. Move on and heal. I have a few concrete steps in place to start healing. Blocked the xMM on all apps. Need a proper plan in place for when I hit the blues and start wondering about the AP. This happens especially when I have PMS and I have asked the doctor to start me back on medications.

 

As for the marriage, I am fully aware of my DH and his personality and how he and I contributed to the death of the marriage. Do not want to wash my dirty laundry on here. But I do hope he walks into the marriage counselling sessions with an end goal of a resolution one way or another. But inaction will not help it in anyways. It will just cause us more resentment and pain. I'm tired of him sweeping the issues under the rug and him pretending that ignoring issues will cause them to go away. The 1000s of letters and emails I wrote to him expressing myself and asking for him to be an active partner in the marriage went unacknowledged till date!! All my cries for help and love went unnoticed. If he I gay or has someone else in his life, I am ready to accept it. But I need to know why he withdrew from the marriage from day 1. I suppose the affair at least helped him to start thinking! Or that is my hope!! It will be a long road to recovery, but it starts with a small step. I am willing to give this a 100% shot but only if he wants to work on the marriage. Just marrying me and leaving me to dust may have worked in my parents generation, back in those days where I originally come from . But it doesn't work anymore.

 

I will need all the luck in the world and I'm glad to have found people who actually understand what I'm going through. For that I'm thankful.

 

Why would you even think of staying with your husband when you are still in love with another man? That alone is sabotaging any hope of reconciliation because you feeling remorse for the affair, wanting to do whatever is possible to make it up to DH is not on the table. You simply love another man. Are you now only wanting to put your marriage back together because MM doesn't want you? That is the wrong reason to hang on to your husband. He deserves someone who chooses him because he is #1 in their heart. If MM had wanted you you would have moved out and be with him by now. At this point you should seek divorce, straighten yourself out and try again for love in the future.

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Why would you even think of staying with your husband when you are still in love with another man? That alone is sabotaging any hope of reconciliation because you feeling remorse for the affair, wanting to do whatever is possible to make it up to DH is not on the table. You simply love another man. Are you now only wanting to put your marriage back together because MM doesn't want you? That is the wrong reason to hang on to your husband. He deserves someone who chooses him because he is #1 in their heart. If MM had wanted you you would have moved out and be with him by now. At this point you should seek divorce, straighten yourself out and try again for love in the future.

 

It's complicated. Truth be told, I would never go on to marry xMM. I swear he had asked to divorce and marry him 10s of times during the affair. But I could never trust he was capable of handling a proper relationship with me.

 

I suppose that it's more of a cognitive dissonance issue when I see xMM divorcing and finding someone else that is bothering me. If at all what he told me about divorce is true! He is known to lie his way through tough situations pacing blame on others and getting away. His wife is probably still mad and isn't ready for a reconciliation and he is spinning his wheels . He is probably angry and bitter that after all this, I still didn't find the courage to break free from my marriage and end up with him.

 

I would HAVE attempted at having an honest relationship with any other man but xMM is all sorts of u healthy, never fixes his issues and goes from one thing to another top quickly. If I don't want to marry, he runs back to wife and if wife isn't ready for a good relation, he would run back to me. Flip flipping all the time . He never gave me confidence in any of his actions . I may have been too quick to give my heart away to him. But I'm not stupid enough to give away my marriage and my kids well being for someone like him. And it's the real truth.

 

xMM is bitter because the discovery didn't lead to my divorce but it has led to turmoil in his marriage. I know he has had other AP before me and the wife gave a blind eye. Only this time she couldn't handle it because it is a close friend of hers and it is too close to home. They both are all sorts of messes up and to an extent DH and I are too, but we aren't going around town looking for the next victim to prey on.

 

No matter how much I resent what DH has done to me, I like him as a man and as the father of my kids. My kids would not want anyone other than us both for parents and to live with. And the point is, I know my marriage has tremendous potential but unfortunately, it never took off. And I sort of got tired or waiting for it to take otf. All sorts of storms led me into the xMM arms but I would never marry him, the way he is. He has a lot of work on and I doubt he will ever.

 

I have a lot to work on as well. At least I'm aware or my issues. The constraints and challenges and I would never take someone's love flippantly just to mask my marital issues and when I get caught I don't blame others like xMM did .

 

I'm not perfect and I'm still learning and figuring out my marriage and challenges. But I would not bring in a 3rd person into it expecting him to bail me out of my mess. That much I'm sure of. I have the integrity to end something decently and start a new life on communication and care if I ever get there.

 

The point I'm telling all this is to say that marrying xMM could have happened long ago back in 2014 if that's what i wanted truly. Intact xMM says I played him and I dumped him when things got tough for him. Ironic. But I never ONCE led him to believe I was going to marry him or future faked with him. I always told him, it's too hard to imagine anyone other than my DH with the kids full time. I got caught in the love and desperation and fell for the MM. Never saw him as a husband for me, given all the things he has shown he is capable of over the years .

 

I know I sound conflicted and confused. But there are things I'm very rigid about and one thing I know is it will be very very hard for me to bring another man into my kids life.

 

Only when I met xMM, he opened the genie out of the bottle and I got carried away for a while until the reality hit me. I'd be actually be very happy eventually if xMM finds happiness. He deserves it. I'd also be happy if DH gives our marriage a shot at true potential and if it is not meant to be, if he happy if he finds his love too. Sometimes I wonder he already had someone front th3 get go and I'm not aware of it. These are the answers I need to find out. My challenge is this. Not xMM. Yes, I got upset and jealous he was seeing someone but even that wouldn't make me jump into marriage with him. Only if he ever worked on taking some time from everyone and arrive at clarity in this mess both th3 couples are in.

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MidnightBlue1980

I went back and read the thread you referred to. It changed what I was going to post. It's easy to now that this xMM is a really bad guy. He is a serial adulterer and is mad at you because you were the one who made it all come crumbling down. Not that you really created the problem, his wife had been ignoring his affairs for years but for some reason, she had had enough and is divorcing him. So he's mad. Now he's a grown man, probably eating peanut butter out of jar because he can't cook and it's all your fault.

 

What you are struggling with is nothing unusual or special. We all go through those emotions at the end of the affair, particularly if the guy drops us in a nanosecond and we see how little we meant and how we were played. There is no magic solution, you just need to get through it. Allow yourself to feel the bad feelings which you probably blocked since you were worried about your health. (I assume you are okay?) it will just take time but it does go away as long as you don't keep opening the scab. You got used and dumped. It happens to the best of us. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move on, head held high.

 

As for your marriage, I'm not really sure. There are some big cultural differences. You are normal to not want separate bedrooms, sex 2x a year, to want love and affection. Men don't really change so you need to figure out if you can change, accept your husband with what he can give or move on. I would not make any decisions yet, you need another year to get over this mm though. Take care of you.

 

Here is a poem for you. You didn't love this mm (though I know it burns). He was just the first guy to show you love and attention. So you fell hard.

 

After a while

you learn the subtle difference between holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn love doesn't mean leaning and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts and presents aren't always promises

and you begin to accept your defeats with your head up and and your eyes ahead with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.

And you learn to build all your roads on today because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn that even sunshine burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure, that you really are strong and you really do have worth and you learn and you learn

with every good-bye you learn.

 

Author: Veronica A. Shoffstall

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MidnightBlue1980

 

Only when I met xMM, he opened the genie out of the bottle and I got carried away for a while until the reality hit me. I'd be actually be very happy eventually if xMM finds happiness. He deserves it. .

 

This sentence here shows how deep in the fog you still are. I don't even know this guy and I want to take his spoon away so he has to eat the peanut butter with his hands. He is not a good guy and he does not deserve you wishing him happiness. You have just begun the process. Next will come the hatred where you wish nothing but the worst for him. Later comes acceptance where you realize you are so much better off, you dodged a huge bullet and you are not anything anymore about him.

 

It is always fun to see them lose their hair though. It's like Christmas.

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