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Does it ever work out?


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 31st December 2017, 12:41 PM   #16
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It can work out. It has for many couples. I’ve seen it myself.

However, in your particular case, I’d be cautious, based on 1) how you guys met (thanks for being honest about that, btw); and 2) the fact that you haven’t known him long enough. You’ll get a better feel about how “serious” your relationship is, and how seriously your AP takes the R, as soon as you’ve known him a little longer. It could also happen further down the road, that you yourself figure out that it has no long term potential. Three months is nothing.
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Old 31st December 2017, 1:41 PM   #17
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You have also got to remember that this is not the world of single dating, this is the world of extramarital sex and the rules are a lot different.
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:27 PM   #18
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Men who want to leave, don't go on hook up websites, looking for extramarital affair to supplement their sexless marriage.
He wants to stay married.

With not only one, but two handicapped kids, you are playing with fire here.
Would you be able to support and take care of your kids yourself if you husband finds out and leave? You can't count on married guy for anything, and right now he is in heady stage of the affair when everything is so exiting and rosy, he will say and promise you anything to keep it going - this will change soon.

Best wishes. Please read on this boards and reconsider the path you are on.
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Old 31st December 2017, 3:35 PM   #19
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As others have said. I think there is probably no "us" in your relationship with the MM for anything to be untangled. You met.on a site for people that want to have affairs. That's what you are doing isn't it. Just having an affair.

I am not this guy and am not the type of guy that would intentionally go on an affair site to have an affair.. but am trying to put myself in his shoes.

A woman with two special needs children ... I think it would take a lot bigger and better and braver a man than me to be willing to allow myself to get emotionally attached and fall for woman like that who has that sort of commitment attached to her. I mean I would really really really have to be madly in.love with her to be willing to take that on. Given that I am not a teenager.. I would also be probably very capable.of putting on the brakes and not allowing myself to fall for a woman like that just because I have some idea of that huge commitment and responsibility required.
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Old 31st December 2017, 4:04 PM   #20
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You are in a tangle, but very different than the one you think you're in.
Can it ever work out? Yeah, but more often than not, it does not. It is not a very good way to begin a life together.
My AP and I left our marriages to be together, and it happened quite quickly.
Few months of EA(no sex until we were both separated and our spouses aware of upcoming divorce).
A year of NC to see if we could not break 2 homes and work on our marriages.
Resumed contact when he informed me he already moved out. Weeks later, we both filed for divorces and were officially separated.
We began dating and are still not living together on account of my 4 children.
I will not marry him any time soon for the same reason-my kids. I have no intention of moving him in with us. We live a few minutes away from each other and see each other on the days his and my children are with my ex spouses. I do not involve him in my time with my children. It is *their* time and they don't need Mom's boyfriend around.
I am telling you all this so you have an idea of what it's really like.
The things that made it 'work out' for us imo:
1. He really was done with his marriage.He would have divorced anyway, even if I weren't' coming. Few people and virtually no men leave an ok marriage for any person on the planet. If there is still something there, there is reason to stay.
2. We were not involved sexually during the A. It matters. Boundaries were not completely overstepped. I felt I in some way kept my dignity and I know he feels the same. We could respect each other better than we could had we had sex.
3. The affair didn't drag on. It was 4 months before I told him, we do this for real or not at all.
The downside-I now think that while I tried hard to be level headed and stay grounded, I did not fight hard enough for my marriage. I did not give it a real chance because I did not confess the affair and entered counselling. I thought I could sweep it under the rug. I regret not giving my M a 100% chance. Unless the marriage is awful, it is the right thing to do by everybody.
I agree with what all the previous posters told you-he sounds like a player, you are not his first, he is not leaving his wife and this will blow up in your face.
Best advice I can offer is to tell MM that it is either 100% or nothing at all.
Tell him to contact you after he's filed for a divorce.
Don't hold your breath.
Tell your husband everything and enter counselling. Both MC and IC.
Maybe this earthquake will shake your marriage back to life. If not, counselling can contribute to an amicable divorce.
Do not rely on this MM to be your Prince Charming who will rescue you from the quicksand of every day. You will need to do this one yourself.
Good luck.
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Old 31st December 2017, 5:11 PM   #21
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I apologize for being behind the gate on leaving some of the replies open and wanted to address a couple of things.

I am well aware I'm in fantasy land and there is a strong, almost probable possibility that he will jump ship once he fully gets the baggage I hold. I guess I asked that sarcastically. I also know the phase we are in and that part will leave.

I also wanted to clear up the level of care my kids require. It's not 24/7 in a wheelchair type of care (which one shouldn't assume they are cognitively impaired to nonfunctionality either- be careful with those assumptions). They are teens and I fully hope they will live independently, at least at some level as adults. That aside, I do, and have done, the majority of the caretaking and also hold a full time job, so I would not be financially devestated in a divorce (although will require at least some support from d after). The question is if, the little he does, makes a big enough difference to stay, and a part of that even feels cruel to do (keep him as a warm body). At this point, my d isn't home taking care of the kids while I screw around. (Not that that makes it much less ****ty) But, honestly, the question is not whether or not to stay, as I'm already halfway out the door. I'm just trying to do it in the best way I can (realizing this should have been before the af). The af was my catalyst.

I really realized I was done after the termination due to the emotional void that was there after the fact. Even though it was a no brainer for us, it still was a painful thing to go through. D treated it as if I got a tooth pulled.

I'm not here to get answers on whether to stay or go really. I'm just curious on those 1% people that make it, and what worked, didn't.... I guess it's like buying a lottery ticket. You know you aren't going to win, but that payout just gives you the hope it might be you. I hope that clears up some of the questions.

Thanks for all the replies. I'm not looking for answers on whether I should have left pre affair, whether I'm a crappy person, whether I should stay.... I know those and you're just beating a dead horse.
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Old 31st December 2017, 5:30 PM   #22
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I thinks wise folks here were very gentle with you.
You sound like an intelligent and capable person.
Think of who and what will you win, if you make into that miraculous 1% that you are asking about - a man whom you met on a hook up site.

It may be your exit affair that will propel you out of dead marriage - but this man?
Don't you think you can do better?
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Old 31st December 2017, 5:34 PM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dreamwalker17 View Post

It may be your exit affair that will propel you out of dead marriage - but this man?
Don't you think you can do better?
This is a good question. One I plan to consider at length...
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Old 31st December 2017, 5:36 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by J1234 View Post
I'm not here to get answers on whether to stay or go really. I'm just curious on those 1% people that make it, and what worked, didn't.... I guess it's like buying a lottery ticket. You know you aren't going to win, but that payout just gives you the hope it might be you. I hope that clears up some of the questions.
What's so great about this dude that he deserves to be in your fantasy 1%? Other than the fact that you are banging him on the side, what else is there that's that amazing about him? The real test is to see what happens when he finds out what you are thinking and how he will react to the possibility of you bringing your kids into the picture with you.
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Old 31st December 2017, 7:10 PM   #25
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Did you tell your husband what support you needed after the abortion?

Did you let him know you needed more from him than he was giving you at that time?
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Old 31st December 2017, 8:47 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
What's so great about this dude that he deserves to be in your fantasy 1%? Other than the fact that you are banging him on the side, what else is there that's that amazing about him? The real test is to see what happens when he finds out what you are thinking and how he will react to the possibility of you bringing your kids into the picture with you.
I know this sounds narcissistic, and frankly we both are to some degree (me and ap), but we are both solid 10's, outside of being unfaithful. He is quite successful (not golddigging as I'm fine that way but a driven man is hot to me), great looking, and all the other qualities I find attractive in a partner. I used to model professionally, and still could, so there are no imbalance there. I'm sure there are a number of qualities that may make us incompatible in the future, I'm not naive in that way. My brother, who knows about us though does say I'm the type to get anyone and am settling, to divorce and find someone who isn't a cheater. That's something I am weighing heavily, but it's hard as I am not in any moral place to say that.

He knows my feelings, and they are mutual, from what he says. they are starting divorce talk already, or he could be lying for all I know.
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Old 31st December 2017, 8:57 PM   #27
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He was on his phone playing games the entire procedure while I cried. Yes, I told him and no, nothing changed.
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:08 PM   #28
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I can't comprehend how two stellar 10's would ever end up on a hook up site, sorry.
10's are people who they make solid and weighted decisions which are reflected in the overall quality of their life. Not because they are models or make incredible living - that's not being 10, that's being lucky.

Sleeping with some stranger and contemplating "if it will work out" after merely three months of secret relationship based of deception and betrayal is not it. He may be sleeping with other 10 women, for being rich and handsome, and if he really is in sexless marriage, obviously, for his wife he is not 10, but negative 27. So you really need to get realistic here.

Good luck with your decisions and best wishes for 2018.
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Old 31st December 2017, 9:36 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by J1234 View Post
He was on his phone playing games the entire procedure while I cried. Yes, I told him and no, nothing changed.
And is your H willing to go to counseling with you? If he's not he may become willing when he finds out you want to leave him.
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Old 31st December 2017, 10:03 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by Dreamwalker17 View Post
I can't comprehend how two stellar 10's would ever end up on a hook up site, sorry.
10's are people who they make solid and weighted decisions which are reflected in the overall quality of their life. Not because they are models or make incredible living - that's not being 10, that's being lucky.

Sleeping with some stranger and contemplating "if it will work out" after merely three months of secret relationship based of deception and betrayal is not it. He may be sleeping with other 10 women, for being rich and handsome, and if he really is in sexless marriage, obviously, for his wife he is not 10, but negative 27. So you really need to get realistic here.

Good luck with your decisions and best wishes for 2018.
Pretty typical talk, many "unfaithful" see themselves as superior to their spouses and think finding a superior partner will answer all the unhappiness. The truth is, unhappiness comes from within and you can change partners 100 times and happiness will still be hard to come by.

No matter what anyone says, bottom line is healthy emotionally balanced people don't have affairs no matter how bad the marriage is or their spouses are. Healthy finds a way to fix it or get out, not complain pass blame and look for quick easy solutions.

Last edited by DKT3; 31st December 2017 at 10:07 PM..
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