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Being the other woman? He is not leaving his wife for you..


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th December 2017, 5:24 PM   #1
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Exclamation Being the other woman? He is not leaving his wife for you..

Being in a relationship with a married partner, I know how bad/evil/pathetic that might sound. Only someone with low self esteem would do that, people say. But maybe if we look at it close enough, we are victims, victims of a manipulative liar and ourselves. Because let's be honest, we follow our hearts and let ourselves in this trauma.


I, myself, was a victim of my own choices. I met a man, got to know him and spent hours with him talking about life. It was all sparks, and i fell in love. He didn't hide it from me, once we started to get really close he faced me with it: he was a separated man (14 months) -with a young child- getting a divorce, he said.

I don't really know what made me ignore this major red flag back then, but we live to do mistakes, and learn from them. I was too blind to see the black future waiting for this kind of relationship.

He seemed really sweet, caring, passionate and so into me. He would do everything to make me happy, to make me love him. Those days were my heaven people. Because let's be honest, what does a woman want from a man more than passion, attention and time?

It was all there. The first 3 months were pure magic. But it doesn't last, does it? That time came when he started to pull back, call less, visit less and care less. I panicked. What did I do wrong? Is it me? My anxiety caused me insomnia and stress. And I was desperate begging him for answers. He said that it's not about me, it's him. That he can't stop thinking about the child he is leaving behind and having fun living his life to the fullest with me.

I was devastated. I asked him if he thinks about going back to his wife, and as always, he told me in a very serious tone that it is never going to happen. That he can't live with that woman. And that a future with her is just out of the question. He asked me to bare these tough times with him, and that he only needs time. That he loves me. And that he really can't control these feelings of guilt and depression.

And me being the good partner, I did. I stayed with him and tried my best for him. In the end, that's all I can do, I love this man. I would bare his bad moods that can last days and days. I would bare him pushing me away, and asking me for some days of space, and then comes back saying he misses me A LOT. I would bare his cold looks and cold words, and the way he sometimes pushes me away when I try to hug him or kiss him because he seems so depressed and lost. It was ALOT for me.
I used so much emotion and physical energy just to help him out. But what I didn't see coming, is him breaking up with me while on a trip via email. He just broke up with me.

No explanations. No closure. No 'sorry'. He said in these words " I need space. Where we don't keep in touch. We need to break up. "

It was too much for me to handle. I spent weeks of pain just to support this man, and he leaves me via email? It's that easy to him? I spents days and days crying alone in my appartment.

For about a week after the break up, he kept sending msgs everyday. But I kept my answers short everytime ( I was hurt). Then he emailed me saying that he broke up with me because he couldn't take it no more. That he can't bare his guilt. And it's only causing us pain. He said he'll be working on himself. And that the day he will be able to work things out. He will come back to me. And do whatever it takes so that I take him back.
I was broken. I said that if this man really loved me, he would work things out , he would find a way. He wouldn't leave me. It didn't take long for him to delete me from EVERYWHERE on social media. It did put more salt on the wound. I felt like I lost this man forever.


I spent weeks broken and depressed. But after some time, I decided to contact him again. He seemed happy to hear my voice. He said that he misses me and dreams of me all the time. I was sooo happy to hear those words. So I contacted him 2 days later. But this time was different. He said he is busy with work and that we can't talk. I asked him to call me for 5 mn later that night and he said he can't. He will sleep as soon as he finishes. It was awful to hear that. Why can't someone give you 5 mn of their day if you mean to them and if they miss you?!


And again, I did put myself in his dirt. I kept contacting him and he kept playing this cold and hot behavior on me. He would one day tell me he misses me and that he would make love to me for one more time even if it was the last thing to do in his life, but the next day be mean to me and when I ask him why he says we shouldn't even be taking at the first place. Till the day he did hit me in the face with it : " I'm going back to my wife, my child needs this".


It didn't make sense to me. I told him he would never be happy. And that he deserves a life filled with love not problems and anger. I said everything that I thought might stop him. How silly of me. But again. He was mean to me. Saying we shouldn't talk in the first place. And that we are complicating what shouldn't be complicated. I told him he is hurting me but he said he is doing nothing. That night, I knew it. I finally saw the truth clearly: I'm a young beautiful wanted woman, that can have any man she wants, why do I keep doing this to myself, for someone who played me?


He contacted me after that, apologizing ( for the first time after we broke up) for treating me in a bad way. And that he is only trying to do what makes him happy. And said " I'll be more than happy to be your friend and casually hang out or talk". BULLSH**. I mean the major wound he did cause me wasn't enough for him, now he pushes me in the friendzone as a bonus. I didn't reply. And I took my decision. That would be the last time to ever have a conversation with this man. I'm moving on.


This is not going to be easy. It might take weeks if not months. I still love him. The pain won't ease any sooner. And I already miss him and his voice, I must admit. But I won't take an other step in that path. I deserve more that someone who thinks people's lives are a hotel.


I'm sorry if this thread is so long, but I'm just trying to send a wake up call to all the ladies out there, struggling with any step of a similar story. This is not a story made to last. This is a ticket to pain land my dear. Do yourself a favor, and leave now if you're still in a relationship with a married man ( separated or not, I figured out it makes not difference). He won't divorce for you. And if you broke up with a married man who asked you to wait for him. Don't. He is never coming back.
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:33 PM   #2
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Thanks for sharing your experience.

IME, over many iterations, mixed bag. Ironically the one which most illustrates a contrarian POV was the most painful but I guess also illustrates the power that some females wield. The example was successful in not only gathering my interest in the waning years of my M, reinvigorating feelings I'd had for her decades ago as a single guy, but she also got a quite wealthy married guy to leave his wife and kids and, the best part was, she used me to get him. Competition! Ha!

Personally I've seen nearly as many iterations of 'leave the wife' as not. The one sample I used here was actually two, both of us got divorced and the one she wanted had two kids and he still got divorced and apparently got hammered for some pretty spectacular child support as well. All that for a former rancher's wife and grandmother. Interesting world!
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:44 PM   #3
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A lot of married men use the "I can't leave my children" excuse to go back into the marriage when in fact they miss their wife and want her back. He wouldn't lose his child if he left the marriage so you know that is a lie. If he cared so much about his child's welfare he wouldn't have an affair in the first place. He's lying to you.
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Old 30th December 2017, 6:50 PM   #4
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Totally true! Although he always told me that he never loved her/it was not meant to be bla bla bla... I knew , deep down, that he was lying. Now fate proved that to me the hard way.
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Old 30th December 2017, 7:33 PM   #5
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Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
A lot of married men use the "I can't leave my children" excuse to go back into the marriage when in fact they miss their wife and want her back. He wouldn't lose his child if he left the marriage so you know that is a lie. If he cared so much about his child's welfare he wouldn't have an affair in the first place. He's lying to you.
This isn't true, actually. A lot of men really are very afraid about losing their children if they leave the marriage, even if no adultery is involved. They've been told that mothers always get full custody (it's not true but a lot of men believe it), that she'll take the kids and vanish and he'll never see them again, that she'll make up abuse, that she'll deny them more than 20% visitation so she can get maximum child support funds. Read the sort of thing they post on divorce forums when their wives are leaving them. These are sincere beliefs, even if they're factually wrong.

"If they cared so much about their children they wouldn't have an affair" and yet you say it's because they really don't want to lose their wife? Surely the same logic applies, if they cared so much about their wife they wouldn't have an affair?

From hanging out on forums of people actually requesting and going through divorces, it feels like about half the cases represented involve one spouse running off to be with their AP. Usually it's an AP that the other spouse didn't know even existed until the bomb was dropped. A story I see a lot is "He swore there was no one else, we both agreed that neither of us would dating during the separation, and then a week later he showed up with his 'new' girlfriend and has already introduced the kids to her and then I found out they'd been having an affair...."

It does happen, just not all the time. The one thing you can be sure of is that however it works out there's going to be a lot of pain and drama.
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:11 PM   #6
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Hi Clueless and welcome

Sounds like the typical push-pull, toxic cycle of an affair. He has all of this *stuff* going on in the background, then... he treats you like crap --> blames the fact that you all aren't even supposed to be together for his bad behavior --> lets you stew in it for a minute --> apologizes for the mistreatment --> you love him and forgive him, letting him back in... rinse, repeat... until he unceremoniously ended it.

No take backs! Good for you!

Seems to me like you have learned some painful truths and are owning your power! So glad you didn't allow yourself to be friendzoned. This person does not deserve your friendship.

Don't let him back in, because if you do, you can expect more of the same - married or not!
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Old 30th December 2017, 9:35 PM   #7
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Good for you! Some women (and men) waste years and years hanging on to NOTHING that the married person offers except empty promises.

You deserve so much better. Never settle!
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Old 31st December 2017, 7:05 AM   #8
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Unhappy

OP - I hope I'm not gatecrashing your thread. I can totally relate to/sympathise with you:

I'm feeling so devastated at the moment (hence my last thread), as am now battling admittedly to keep contact with my now ex MM, in the hope it will lead to more again admittedly. This is because I desperately fear that his new relationship will deepen, whilst I'm off the scene.

In a nutshell, he left his wife in August and got together/committed with a married work colleague instead, after a few years of being in an affair with him.

He denied we were in a relationship though and said it was just dates! Also, accused me of giving him ED before (we sometimes had difficulty sexually), which I assume has now been sorted. Yet, WE didn't get to benefit from the treatment!

I feel like I'm putting on a front at the moment i.e that I'm not expecting anything from him, which is very painful.

It would appear he blames me that we never had a 'proper' relationship, yet he seemed to do everything in his power to stop us having one! Yet, it seems he accidentally caught strong feelings for this MW earlier this year.

I intend to seek therapy shortly, to at least try and get my old self back.

Happy New Year everyone!

Last edited by goldengirl11; 31st December 2017 at 7:25 AM..
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Old 31st December 2017, 7:25 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by goldengirl11 View Post
I'm feeling so devastated at the moment (hence my last thread), as am now battling admittedly to keep contact with my now ex MM, in the hope it will lead to more again admittedly. This is because I desperately fear that his new relationship will deepen, whilst I'm off the scene. In a nutshell, he left his wife in August and got together/committed with a married work colleague instead, after a few years of being in an affair with him.
^^^This is very skewed thinking.
When a man (married or not) tells you it is over and he moves to someone else, it is best to concede it is over and you move on to someone else too.
It is the way of the world.
You cannot spend your life hankering after a man who doesn't want you.

Yes, you were in an affair for years, but so what?
Relationships end all the time and affairs are just relationships after all, nothing special, nothing magical, no guarantees, they often either crash and burn on Dday or they run their course and they come to an end at some point.
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Old 31st December 2017, 7:39 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by goldengirl11 View Post
OP - I hope I'm not gatecrashing your thread. I can totally relate to/sympathise with you:

I'm feeling so devastated at the moment (hence my last thread), as am now battling admittedly to keep contact with my now ex MM, in the hope it will lead to more again admittedly. This is because I desperately fear that his new relationship will deepen, whilst I'm off the scene.

In a nutshell, he left his wife in August and got together/committed with a married work colleague instead, after a few years of being in an affair with him.

He denied we were in a relationship though and said it was just dates! Also, accused me of giving him ED before (we sometimes had difficulty sexually), which I assume has now been sorted. Yet, WE didn't get to benefit from the treatment!

I feel like I'm putting on a front at the moment i.e that I'm not expecting anything from him, which is very painful.

It would appear he blames me that we never had a 'proper' relationship, yet he seemed to do everything in his power to stop us having one! Yet, it seems he accidentally caught strong feelings for this MW earlier this year.

I intend to seek therapy shortly, to at least try and get my old self back.

Happy New Year everyone!


I feel you, Goldengirl! It is so hard for us to accept that all the love and energy we did put in a relationship just vanished. Worse, it was in the favor of someone else!

And it's hard to accept the fact of being replaced. It's not our fault that the men we trusted and loved turned out to be liars who played us ( we should have known tho, they did play their own wives..).

I can imagine how raw your heart can be at the moment after years and years of being with that man were in vein. Our time is precious my dear, we've lost enough. If I can take a decision to move on, you can too! I'm sure many single better men are over there, who make you happy not crying your eyes out at night.
I know how hard it is to believe it. I was there not so long ago thinking this man is my life and I'll never be happy with anyone else. But here I'm, preparing for a date tonight with a single handsome man who, I'm sure, is going to treat me way better.
Never settle for anything less than your worth. And never chase a man who replaced you. I wish you happiness and love for the coming year!

Happy new year everyone!
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Old 31st December 2017, 2:33 PM   #11
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I guess he was confused and there was some going back and forth with him, but honestly, right after he said - We need to break up - you should've turned around, leave and never talk to him again.

You kept contacting him, and all that happened after, is on you. When men tells you openly that he made his choice, you never beg him or try to convince him - you leave and build happy life for yourself. Without him in it, because he didn't choose to be part of it.

Take time for yourself, rebuild your self-esteem, do activities that make you happy, spend time with people who care about you. And never get yourself in the situation where you have to beg for love, ever again.

Best wishes.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 11:39 PM   #12
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I have been the "other woman" on more than one occasion and from my experience the married person will lie and do all they can to keep you around. It's up to us to empower ourselves to walk away and love ourselves because our married partners most certainly don't. Even if they tell us they do. Love is action not words. And whilst it's hard and painful to see the truth when we are in the situation, the truth is he is sleeping with his wife, even if he says he is not, he is lying to both you and her, even if he doesn't want to admit it!
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Old 5th January 2018, 9:47 PM   #13
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The only crime the ow did was fall for the wrong man. the cheater the one doing the crime to the wife
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Old 5th January 2018, 11:11 PM   #14
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Originally Posted by whattodo77 View Post
I have been the "other woman" on more than one occasion and from my experience the married person will lie and do all they can to keep you around. It's up to us to empower ourselves to walk away and love ourselves because our married partners most certainly don't. Even if they tell us they do. Love is action not words. And whilst it's hard and painful to see the truth when we are in the situation, the truth is he is sleeping with his wife, even if he says he is not, he is lying to both you and her, even if he doesn't want to admit it!
I really like this post. It is a simple message from somebody with experience.

Whattodo woke up, just as I did, that MM are adept and ruthless at lying to Ow and the wife.

If you hang around you will waste precious time for nothing.

Poppy
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