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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 30th December 2017, 6:57 AM   #31
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[QUOTE=Cali408;7496918]It's all about the addiction. When one's an addict and has to break the cycle, the thought of going through with it is worse than the actual event itself. After a month, your brain quiets down and you feel like you're moving on a little.

Yes it is all about the addiction. A drug addict doesn't really want to be on the horrible drugs and we don't really want to be in a dead end relationship.
You have to go through the pain. It is horrible but trust me its worth it.

I have gone NC for 30 days (I called him at work) and it has been 2 months since he answered a text. My brain has quieted and it is beginning to feel good to not have the double life. I have reconnected with my H.

One thing that really helped was to focus my energy on other things than the A. I joined a recovery group and also reconnected with God. I am trying to forgive myself.

It can be done!
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Old 30th December 2017, 12:36 PM   #32
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The day will come where you simply can't take the pain and even more the DISTRESS anymore of not knowing when he's going to discard you again.

My A with xMM began in 2008 and over the years he devalued and discarded me so many times, that I've lost count. I always knew that he was going to end it again, I could FEEL it. It were the simple things that told me, like for example the xMM taking his time with responding, or writing curt messages, or maybe not signing off with the usual rows of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Yes, even just 3 'xxx' told me that he was no longer that interested. (Sounds childish but believe me, it was true)

About a year ago, I moved (after he gave me silent treatment again for several months >> he was my neighbor) yet he continued to email me - discard me - email me again after a few months.......

Last September I had enough. I had kept my distance by not letting my emails sound too loving (more like 'just friends') but even that caused me lots of distress. I couldn't breathe anymore and then one day I was just so fed up & even panicking, that I decided to not ever write him back again. In the month before I took that decision I could tell that he was losing his interest again because I wouldn't dance to his music anymore....

Anyway, I simply stopped writing back (and this goes against who I am as a person because I would NEVER treat someone like this. It's cruel but it was the only thing I could do. After all, he never seemed to care much about saying 'goodbye' to me, he always just disappeared so I kept telling myself that he apparently doesn't care much about the politeness and respectfulness of saying goodbye).

In the month after I went NC, he sent me several emails.
* "Where are you?"
* "I'm worried."
* "Fine, maybe I'll hear from you again some day."
* "hello????"
etc
etc.

But like I said, I couldn't take the distress anymore and I stayed silent.

Three months later (this Christmas) he sent me 3 sad songs but I didn't respond to that either.

And it breaks my heart that it has to be like this. I miss him so much because I do love that man and I hate doing this to him but I couldn't take the pain anymore of not knowing when he was going to discard me again.

Also, I believe that if I would have sent him a 'goodbye' email, that he would have found a way to punish me somehow.

This article helped me a LOT: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/rel...-explaination/

It helps of course that he (probably) won't come to my house because he was so disinterested in me that he never wrote down the address. He knows in what part of this town I live, so if he really wanted to find me, he could (I told him about this one landmark one day) , but I don't think he will come .
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Old 30th December 2017, 3:36 PM   #33
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
PUA = Pick Up Artist
Hahah. No wonder I got sucked in. Fancy not even knowing that.

Poppy
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Old 30th December 2017, 5:37 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Adoraxx View Post
The day will come where you simply can't take the pain and even more the DISTRESS anymore of not knowing when he's going to discard you again.

My A with xMM began in 2008 and over the years he devalued and discarded me so many times, that I've lost count. I always knew that he was going to end it again, I could FEEL it. It were the simple things that told me, like for example the xMM taking his time with responding, or writing curt messages, or maybe not signing off with the usual rows of xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx. Yes, even just 3 'xxx' told me that he was no longer that interested. (Sounds childish but believe me, it was true)

About a year ago, I moved (after he gave me silent treatment again for several months >> he was my neighbor) yet he continued to email me - discard me - email me again after a few months.......

Last September I had enough. I had kept my distance by not letting my emails sound too loving (more like 'just friends') but even that caused me lots of distress. I couldn't breathe anymore and then one day I was just so fed up & even panicking, that I decided to not ever write him back again. In the month before I took that decision I could tell that he was losing his interest again because I wouldn't dance to his music anymore....

Anyway, I simply stopped writing back (and this goes against who I am as a person because I would NEVER treat someone like this. It's cruel but it was the only thing I could do. After all, he never seemed to care much about saying 'goodbye' to me, he always just disappeared so I kept telling myself that he apparently doesn't care much about the politeness and respectfulness of saying goodbye).

In the month after I went NC, he sent me several emails.
* "Where are you?"
* "I'm worried."
* "Fine, maybe I'll hear from you again some day."
* "hello????"
etc
etc.

But like I said, I couldn't take the distress anymore and I stayed silent.

Three months later (this Christmas) he sent me 3 sad songs but I didn't respond to that either.

And it breaks my heart that it has to be like this. I miss him so much because I do love that man and I hate doing this to him but I couldn't take the pain anymore of not knowing when he was going to discard me again.

Also, I believe that if I would have sent him a 'goodbye' email, that he would have found a way to punish me somehow.

This article helped me a LOT: https://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/rel...-explaination/

It helps of course that he (probably) won't come to my house because he was so disinterested in me that he never wrote down the address. He knows in what part of this town I live, so if he really wanted to find me, he could (I told him about this one landmark one day) , but I don't think he will come .
I can say that I read into his msgs a lot as well , so I understand the distress part, I can honestly say I have never paid so much attention to the subtle nuances of someone's communication, ( mine is if he doesn't sign off with a heart Becsause I always send a 100%)

my issue is that he is persistent and does not let up , in fact he only seems to be getting More attached, I went away with some friends the other weekend ( he wanted to be in communication the whole time) and he changed his plans so he could be away same time as me so we wouldn't miss a weekend together.

This morning he sent a msg and it unnerved me . I had ignored the others ones this one was harder to ignore, it's harder to let him go because he's being so persistent , he can't wait to come back , he knows he shouldn't msg now he apologizes but he couldn't take it any longer... these are hooks for me . I responded and tried to keep it brief but it was a Struggle.

My problem is I know this needs to end it's just harder to end it now because he's not being distant , he's consistent and doesn't want it to end. I am the one who KNOWS it needs to end but is to weak to do it.

When he msged this morning although I was intially mad. ( I told him not to msg while home, he wasn't in agreement) My very next emotion was happiness the whole day was better. I got my bit of my drug.

Last night my mind was a little quieter being here helps , I'm not going to disappear again just because I am not quite there yet. I am going to end this . It's just training my brain, and being firm with my heart. I am working hard to make it to shore
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:33 PM   #35
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Pattern

Underthepink if you notice, you will see a pattern. The less responsive you are to his texts and attempts at contact the more effort he makes, the more 'love" he throws your way. He doesn't want you to give up on him.

But he's not willing to give up BW and their life together for you. Focus on that if you're serious about getting off the rollercoaster.

Again, just sharing more from my current journey in case you might find it useful. It's helping me start to distance myself little by little.
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Old 30th December 2017, 8:53 PM   #36
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One could also argue that, if you weren't totally in love with him you would see, he is busting your boundaries by doing exactly the opposite of what you ask him to do...

You go away with friends - he wants to stay in communication the entire weekend

You tell him not to call at certain times - he does it because he couldn't wait any longer

Because you love him, you will see it as "proof" of his feelings for you. I am glad you recognize them as hooks.

But I would hate for you to find out the hard way that instances like these are less about proof of deep feelings but more about proof of control.

I could be wrong, but his actions match the latter.
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Old 31st December 2017, 5:42 AM   #37
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Hi Adoraxx!!

Proud of you for staying strong!

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 31st December 2017 at 9:21 AM..
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Old 31st December 2017, 6:11 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
being an ow is like being a doll in a box that only gets to come out for special occasions. When mm is done with you, he puts you back in your box on your shelf until heís ready to play again. His wife doesnít have a box or a shelf. Your time is spent thinking and obsessing when youíre going to get to come out of your box again.
^^^^^^^^^^^ this!
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Old 31st December 2017, 8:43 AM   #39
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Originally Posted by Underthepink View Post
I can say that I read into his msgs a lot as well , so I understand the distress part, I can honestly say I have never paid so much attention to the subtle nuances of someone's communication, ( mine is if he doesn't sign off with a heart Becsause I always send a 100%)
That is because in a normal relationship that is going well you can relax.
He says what he means and means what he says.
He is hiding nothing so no need to over-analyse anything.
He does not play push/pull, hot/cold games because he is not trying to juggle two separate lives at the same time, nor does he dole out the silent treatment or go MIA.
No need to spend hours looking at the one text he sent and wondering over and over what he really means, if he is now actually in your bed, cooking you breakfast, walking the dog or watching a movie...
Life can actually be that simple.

Last edited by elaine567; 31st December 2017 at 10:25 AM..
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Old 31st December 2017, 11:58 AM   #40
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It probably doesnít feel like you have all the power but you do.

You are free to walk away from this relationship with very little consequences. You are choosing to stick your hand on the stove over and over again to see if itís hot and you keep getting burned. He has to constantly live a lie and spin webs of deceit to cover his tracks. Why would you want to be a part of that? You are putting yourself next to the stove. Itís never not going to burn you.
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:50 AM   #41
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Originally Posted by Grey Cloud View Post
Hi Adoraxx!!

Proud of you for staying strong!
Thank you Grey!!!! Hope all is well with you
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