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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 29th December 2017, 10:06 AM   #16
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Keeping Yourself from Picking Your Scab
  1. Cover it. Bandage it well. ...
  2. Distract yourself. Keep your hands busy so they aren't picking at your scab. ...
  3. Remind yourself not to pick at it. ...
  4. Reward yourself for not picking your scab. ...
  5. Make sure you don't have skin picking disease.
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:17 AM   #17
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It's almost like punishment,

I put myself in this position and for so long and future fantazing, thinking we had something special , and the scenario is so typical it is nauseating but for the last 3 days I have been obsessing.

I need to stop she's his wife, ..she I am sure thinks they are happy. I have been playing house with him while he is here and he is cake eating . I need to stop seeing him as this person who is in love with me and shares everything with me and as this woman who loves him and has a whole other life with him ..husband

I won't look anymore. I just felt like **** it, your down here in the gutter just roll in your filth.
What you have isn't special. It's a relationship thats foundation are lies and deceit.

The pity party ends now. Start your New Year's resolution 3 days early. By Monday, you'll have momentum. Don't contact, don't tell him it's over, just ghost him. Don't return calls, get off social media. Disappear. If you really want it to be over, this is what you have to do.

Sure, it's cold. But isn't it cold having sex with another woman's husband?
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Old 29th December 2017, 12:51 PM   #18
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I hope this doesn't sound harsh, it's just what I'm telling myself right now about my own situation, so maybe it will be helpful to you.

Underthepink, I do the same, but I'm starting to see it as working on my way out of this situation. If it's true what Burnt wrote, that the pain will eventually be what puts an end to it, then this is a way of speeding up that process and being able to move on.

I've been at times obsessively reading the posts here, paying special attention to the harsh brutal ones. I think driving that knife in is helping me distance myself. Avoiding the reality of MM's life with BW only helps you hang on to hope. Seeing the proof of their life together can help you accept the reality. No matter how much he loves you, he loves his life with her more. Otherwise he would be with you full time. That's what I keep telling myself. I'm not ready to end it yet but I hope that forcing myself to look at the brutal reality will get me there a little quicker. I want more, and as long as I hang on to him I won't get it.

Yes, he loves you. But what are his actions showing you? You deserve to be happy with someone for whom you are a priority and you won't find him while holding on to MM.
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:04 PM   #19
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Its very clear that you know what you have to do...

Now, you just have to do it.
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Old 29th December 2017, 1:06 PM   #20
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Being an OW is like being a doll in a box that only gets to come out for special occasions. When MM is done with you, he puts you back in your box on your shelf until he’s ready to play again. His wife doesn’t have a box or a shelf. Your time is spent thinking and obsessing when you’re going to get to come out of your box again.
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Old 29th December 2017, 2:23 PM   #21
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So here are my thoughts/suggestions about your next steps:

I would advise you against ghosting him.
If you ghost him right now, then you are almost guaranteeing that he will be back. As you put it, things have been very pleasant, which means he will do absolutely everything to lure you back; all it will take is him sending a very 'caring', 'loving', and 'concerned' message like "I have been so worried about you that I cannot sleep. Are you ok? Talk to me.".

You will be back at his feet again--you know it. Even if he says something like "If you want to end things--I will respect that; I will always care about you and will wish you the best. I will continue to think of you."--The ugly thing about affairs is that it's words like these that actually will make you go back to him. Reading words like these will make your disoriented brain think that "he really does care about me and he is hurting."

The words that MMs use are almost universal--it's so painfully sad and horrifying.

So my suggestions to you are:
(1) Make a list of all the horrible pains YOU have been experiencing since the start of the affair. Do not make a list of the horrible things HE has done to you--your mind will want to fight you on that; you are still in love with him, so your own mind will defend him at any cost.
Read that list again and again to yourself. "Train" your brain to create an association between his name and the pain you are in. Over time, thought of the pain will make your brain want to detach yourself from him.

(2) Don't fight yourself when you want to check his wife's FB. The more you fight, the more you are deluding yourself in "keeping" him to yourself. He is and never was yours and will never be. Allow yourself to "see" that reality that he is actually so "happy" with his wife. It is ok that you feel the sting before you let go of him.

(3) Compose a "goodbye" message to send to him before the end of the year. After writing it, have a break and reread it a few times, do your crying, but make sure it says all it needs to say to cut the chord for good. Then send it to him, TELLING him it's THE end---not A end.

I would suggest that you do that before the end of the year--so that at least you can fake your mind to think the 2018, from Jan 1st is going to be a new start without your MM.

My suggestion for one thing you should include is:
Keep your focus on how much damage this affair has done to you.
How much pain it causes you to see him or hear from him every time. That each time when he comes back it only digs the knife deeper needs to be the focal point of your reason for a complete goodbye.

Request two things from him: (Make it sound that you are asking him for a favor):

(a) That he never ever, ever, ever contacts you again--no matter what happens, because it is YOU who suffers. So ask him to do it for YOU if he has any care for you. Ask him not even to reply to this last letter.

(b) Ask him that even if you become weak to make a contact to him at some point, that he doesn't respond--for YOUR sake so that you can heal.

The point is: while it will sound like you are begging to him, the truth is, put the responsibility on HIM to stay away. Don't worry about humiliating yourself at this point--you already have and will have to live with it for a while anyway.

• If he respects your request, then you will finally have the distance you need to start to heal.

• If he doesn't respect your request, then you will see first-hand how indifferent he really is to your welfare -- which by itself hopefully will help you emotionally detach from him.
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:25 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by burnt View Post
So here are my thoughts/suggestions about your next steps:

I would advise you against ghosting him.
If you ghost him right now, then you are almost guaranteeing that he will be back. As you put it, things have been very pleasant, which means he will do absolutely everything to lure you back; all it will take is him sending a very 'caring', 'loving', and 'concerned' message like "I have been so worried about you that I cannot sleep. Are you ok? Talk to me.".

You will be back at his feet again--you know it. Even if he says something like "If you want to end things--I will respect that; I will always care about you and will wish you the best. I will continue to think of you."--The ugly thing about affairs is that it's words like these that actually will make you go back to him. Reading words like these will make your disoriented brain think that "he really does care about me and he is hurting."

The words that MMs use are almost universal--it's so painfully sad and horrifying.

So my suggestions to you are:
(1) Make a list of all the horrible pains YOU have been experiencing since the start of the affair. Do not make a list of the horrible things HE has done to you--your mind will want to fight you on that; you are still in love with him, so your own mind will defend him at any cost.
Read that list again and again to yourself. "Train" your brain to create an association between his name and the pain you are in. Over time, thought of the pain will make your brain want to detach yourself from him.

(2) Don't fight yourself when you want to check his wife's FB. The more you fight, the more you are deluding yourself in "keeping" him to yourself. He is and never was yours and will never be. Allow yourself to "see" that reality that he is actually so "happy" with his wife. It is ok that you feel the sting before you let go of him.

(3) Compose a "goodbye" message to send to him before the end of the year. After writing it, have a break and reread it a few times, do your crying, but make sure it says all it needs to say to cut the chord for good. Then send it to him, TELLING him it's THE end---not A end.

I would suggest that you do that before the end of the year--so that at least you can fake your mind to think the 2018, from Jan 1st is going to be a new start without your MM.

My suggestion for one thing you should include is:
Keep your focus on how much damage this affair has done to you.
How much pain it causes you to see him or hear from him every time. That each time when he comes back it only digs the knife deeper needs to be the focal point of your reason for a complete goodbye.

Request two things from him: (Make it sound that you are asking him for a favor):

(a) That he never ever, ever, ever contacts you again--no matter what happens, because it is YOU who suffers. So ask him to do it for YOU if he has any care for you. Ask him not even to reply to this last letter.

(b) Ask him that even if you become weak to make a contact to him at some point, that he doesn't respond--for YOUR sake so that you can heal.

The point is: while it will sound like you are begging to him, the truth is, put the responsibility on HIM to stay away. Don't worry about humiliating yourself at this point--you already have and will have to live with it for a while anyway.

• If he respects your request, then you will finally have the distance you need to start to heal.

• If he doesn't respect your request, then you will see first-hand how indifferent he really is to your welfare -- which by itself hopefully will help you emotionally detach from him.
Burnt : I am going to say this is the best course of action for me. If I ghost he's going to come looking for me at my restaurant. He's going to persist because he was Really happy before he left and we spent an intense month together, he was nervous to leave because he knows historically what being out of contact does it gives me a chance to think.

I really like the idea of putting some of the responsibilities to stay out of contact on him. The distance allows me to see it for what it is, it's his closeness and the chemistry that makes my judgment cloudy.

The bubble is very very strong when he's here because he's not going home to her every night and I have him to myself when he's here, I have a key and we spend pretty much 3 nights a week together. But the holidays slapped me back to reality in a big way. And I can't do this NC more than twice this HAS to be it.

I'm over the duplicity and the cake eating it's enough
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Old 29th December 2017, 4:40 PM   #23
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Confiding "secrets", finding commonalities, creating links, mirroring can all be signs of closeness, but are all also easily faked by manipulators, con artists, PUAs, players and dare I say it, MM.
Classic manipulation technique
All that "closeness" is designed to get what they want.
Women love all that emotional stuff, so is it any surprise that some men will use it to their advantage?

"Oh woe is me, my mother never really loved me, I have never told anyone that before but she didn't, she neglected me..."
"Oh dear, you poor thing..."
"I am sure a hug and a bit of fun would make me feel way better..."

So despite your MM apparently "choosing" YOU as being his special person, the one he is supposedly closest to, once back in the real world he forgets you and it is his wife who is then the really special one.
Oh yes , a thousand times YES Elaine. xMM told me some outrageous secrets about himself. I will never know if they were true.

The most valuable thing I have learned from the A, is that a MM will go to any lengths to obtain and secure his outlet/supply.

xMM always arrived at my house with flowers, sent thousands of mushy emails, always sweet and loving. He was too good to be true.

I don't believe he was any closer to his wife than to me. I no longer believe he had the capacity to be close to anybody. He told me he would do anything his wife asked to earn BROWNIE POINTS. If he did everything her way, she would be happy for him to have some time out alone.

Narcissism comes to mind.... I have no expertise in that area but there was certainly a personality disorder going on.

I fell for all the mushy emotional stuff and he knew that it had been missing from my life for many years.

What is a PUA?
Poppy
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:08 PM   #24
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PUA = Pick Up Artist
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Old 29th December 2017, 5:36 PM   #25
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Pink, my MM lived with me 5 days a week. We went on dates in public. We were a couple. Still didn't change things. When he moved and asked for a divorce, she said no and then moved in with him. Our plans, our routines, us....all gone. He chose her. Why doesn't matter in the least.


I know why. He tried explaining why. I even understand his reasons. But they don't matter. The only thing that matters is he chose to walk away from me.


Keep that in mind. He has not and will not choose you. Why doesn't matter.


The only thing that does matter is what are you choosing.


On a side note, I don't recommend you start dating for a bit. No human can compete with the fantasy you have built in your mind. And if you try, when they all fail to live up, you will use that as a reason to go back to him. Speaking from hard won experience on this one.
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:00 PM   #26
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Pink, my MM lived with me 5 days a week. We went on dates in public. We were a couple. Still didn't change things. When he moved and asked for a divorce, she said no and then moved in with him. Our plans, our routines, us....all gone. He chose her. Why doesn't matter in the least.


I know why. He tried explaining why. I even understand his reasons. But they don't matter. The only thing that matters is he chose to walk away from me.


Keep that in mind. He has not and will not choose you. Why doesn't matter.


The only thing that does matter is what are you choosing.


On a side note, I don't recommend you start dating for a bit. No human can compete with the fantasy you have built in your mind. And if you try, when they all fail to live up, you will use that as a reason to go back to him. Speaking from hard won experience on this one.
I just don't understand why they are so much better at putting us in the box, why can't I do that. Why can't I just move on or accept that I'm just a fantasy game. Why must there be this limbo , why must this break up not be like EVERY other break up. ?!
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:20 PM   #27
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Burnt! There is so very much good in your post.

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all it will take is him sending a very 'caring', 'loving', and 'concerned' message like "I have been so worried about you that I cannot sleep. Are you ok? Talk to me."
'Oh my gosh yes! You've really missed me... I can just tell you about my feelings a little bit, just to get it off my chest, and then we'll go back to not speaking. Well... maybe we can just be friends. That ten seconds you spent texting me proves that you care.'

Quote:
Originally Posted by burnt View Post

(2) Don't fight yourself when you want to check his wife's FB. The more you fight, the more you are deluding yourself in "keeping" him to yourself. He is and never was yours and will never be. Allow yourself to "see" that reality that he is actually so "happy" with his wife. It is ok that you feel the sting before you let go of him.
People advise against pain shopping, but I've found pain shopping valuable. In the bubble of work, he is mine. In reality, he doesn't belong to me at all. It's important for me to knife that bubble, because otherwise I just see the attention and sweetness when he's available to me.
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:34 PM   #28
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Unless you work against it with all your heart and mind, you wont reach the shore...

If you leave it for its course, the ‘flow’ will royally direct you over the cliff.
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:58 PM   #29
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New Year, new you

The new Year is approaching in just a few days, you need to first decide what your going to do with your marriage, that needs to be your first priority, you owe that to your husband. Unless you already have? I read your first thread 2/17 so I’m guessing your still married?

Your MM is a player, you are his side dish, you will never be first in his life, you will only be 2nd or 3rd, depending on how many side dishes he has?? You deserve better for yourself to be happy and if your not getting that at home, don’t settle for this loser MM, get divorced or sit and talk with your husband and lay it all out on the table, maybe MC, decide if you want to move forward with your marriage, make it your first priority, not this other MM, he doesnt deserve all the energy your giving him, your husband does regardless the outcome, he deserves to know the truth. Start the new year right.
Good luck to you
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:08 PM   #30
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The truth is, most of us (xOW) who suggest time and time again "go NC" to the ones who are still active in the affairs, do so because we have learned the hard way what staying in the affair does to us.

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

For most of us, we knew cognitively that we had to stop MONTHS, often years before the actual end of the affair; but we usually get pulled back in by the woo of the MMs and we lack the power to put a complete stop ourselves by any will power.

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.
Thank you Burnt. This is so beautifully written. It's exactly what happened to me. It took me almost FOUR YEARS to get my head straight and see the situation for what it is. I guess the OP is still very much in affair fog and deep in the addiction. I'm now more than thrilled I finally reached the point where the pain is so deep I can't find the strength to start another cycle. Like most of the OWs here, I've done NC tons and tons of time over the past 4 years and he always reeled me back in with his sweet words and overly masterful manipulation tactics. I used to think in deep despair that I'd be the OW all my life. I still can't believe that now the spell has been finally broken. I truly feel like a prisoner being released.

To the OP, all I can say, from personal experience, is that never lose hope and belief in a better future for yourself. Though your mind may be tricked by the MM and the allure of the affair right now, if you're a normal person, one day you'll wake up from this nightmare. Don't beat up yourself. You're only human who makes mistakes. You'll reach a point, like me, where you'll naturally remove yourself from the sickness. No amount of will power or inner struggle needed. Everything will run its course if you let it. Good luck!
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