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well here we are again..


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 28th December 2017, 2:57 PM   #1
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well here we are again..

Ugh. The last time I posted here I was in NC with AP,
Fast forward 10 months and we are more involved than before.
The duality of the situation is starting to wear on me, and his leaving to go home for the holidays has put me back in "what are you doing , this needs to end" mode. This is going nowhere and I need to retry NC , which I know will be a shock given the way we said good bye before he left and that he expects to see me upon his return but a part of me is saying "get out now this is going nowhere good for you". I should have just stayed strong the first time.
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Old 28th December 2017, 3:31 PM   #2
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As difficult as it will be, your best course of action is to resume no contact and rebuild you life. Your AP is a cake eater and living a double life. If he wanted to make a future with you he wouldn't be handling things this way. You will continue to lose years of your life to this dead end relationship unless you end it. You have all the information that you need to make a smart decision. Now its on you to do it.
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Old 28th December 2017, 4:14 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by Underthepink View Post
The last time I posted here I was in NC

This is going nowhere and I need to retry NC ,

I should have just stayed strong the first time.
The truth is, most of us (xOW) who suggest time and time again "go NC" to the ones who are still active in the affairs, do so because we have learned the hard way what staying in the affair does to us.

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

For most of us, we knew cognitively that we had to stop MONTHS, often years before the actual end of the affair; but we usually get pulled back in by the woo of the MMs and we lack the power to put a complete stop ourselves by any will power.

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.
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Old 28th December 2017, 7:14 PM   #4
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The truth is, most of us (xOW) who suggest time and time again "go NC" to the ones who are still active in the affairs, do so because we have learned the hard way what staying in the affair does to us.

The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

For most of us, we knew cognitively that we had to stop MONTHS, often years before the actual end of the affair; but we usually get pulled back in by the woo of the MMs and we lack the power to put a complete stop ourselves by any will power.

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.
I am hearing this whole heartedly.. I know I should end this now, but I'm struggling , it's worse now because we have become much closer and I know if I say I am ending it now he will be thrown for a total loop because everything was fantastic consistently for the last almost year but , I just guess having the space where I asked him not to contact me while he is spending Christmas with his family has really gotten me thinking but when he comes back on New Year's Day I don't know where I am going to be mentally .. how can I spend another year in this affair only growing more attached. There are so many people involved here who can get hurt, I need to put my feelings aside but I don't know if I am strong enough yet .. I mean what would I do .. would I say. Listen I'm ending it , for both of us. Or do I say nothing and then if I break again I would lose all respect for myself
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:12 PM   #5
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You're not alone

Underthepink I have the same experience, over and over. The holidays are the worst, knowing he's with her and won't risk contacting me. My MM actually did text me on Christmas morning, I guess BW was otherwise occupied so he wouldn't be caught. I'm starting to get to the point that I almost hate seeing his name and picture pop up on my phone (while at the same time still feeling pathetically happy he is thinking about me) because after a few days without contact I start feeling stronger and think "maybe this is it", but then he reaches out and once again I'm back to "when will he contact me again". I'm smart and independent, but I act like a total fool when it comes to him.

Burnt - I was very interested in your comment that the depth of the pain of the affair eventually stops OW. Maybe that really is what will have to happen to me and Underthepink and others still in the grasp of the addiction. But it seems most of us have a huge tolerance for that pain.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:42 PM   #6
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Underthepink I have the same experience, over and over. The holidays are the worst, knowing he's with her and won't risk contacting me. My MM actually did text me on Christmas morning, I guess BW was otherwise occupied so he wouldn't be caught. I'm starting to get to the point that I almost hate seeing his name and picture pop up on my phone (while at the same time still feeling pathetically happy he is thinking about me) because after a few days without contact I start feeling stronger and think "maybe this is it", but then he reaches out and once again I'm back to "when will he contact me again". I'm smart and independent, but I act like a total fool when it comes to him.

Burnt - I was very interested in your comment that the depth of the pain of the affair eventually stops OW. Maybe that really is what will have to happen to me and Underthepink and others still in the grasp of the addiction. But it seems most of us have a huge tolerance for that pain.
The holidays are the worst. He sent me a msg Christmas Eve and Boxing Day and I didn't answer. I just was so ANGRY that after the whole year and everything that I risk , he couldn't risk it. It just burst my Affair bubble , which honestly I was becoming very comfortable in again. February will make year 3 ..we've become so close I don't know how to move forward from here and not talking to him for the last few days is breaking my heart..I am so angry I just want to slap him and myself. I honestly don't know what I am going to say when he returns but I knew this was the way it was... I'm not an idiot but I am feeling like one.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:55 PM   #7
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Maybe it's best not to let him return?

I can imagine that it is all too easy to fall into believing you are in a meaningful relationship with the guy, only to find the illusion falls down as he goes to spend important festive days with his wife. Yes, that would hurt.

You don't have to continue to be the 'hidden half'. You could give him an ultimatum: "If you want to be with me, then finish it with your wife." I don't think there is any point in that though as your withdrawing from him will be a way of getting that message across without having to verbalise it. You could also withdraw from this relationship. He cannot force you to stay in it can he?

Because a MM will go to a lot of trouble to get time with his mistress, it is easy to feel desired and wanted. It's a bit like a sugar high. You have the chocolate and it's wonderful for a while but then there is the crash and the realisation you have probably gained weight.

This guy has no reason to change what he is doing, none whatsoever. If he is forced into making a decision, he will probably go with what is comfortable and reliable, where he gets his food and shelter and where his children are take care of. Yes, he may agonise before making that choice, but not as much as you will when he makes it.
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Old 28th December 2017, 9:56 PM   #8
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I feel your pain

April will be three years for my A with MM. He's told me things he says he's never told other people, at times I've felt closer to him than any other person before. But he keeps choosing BW and their marriage, and NOT choosing me.

I've been miserable and it's taking an emotional and physical toll on me so I'm planning to start therapy in the next few weeks to find out what is keeping me in this. There's got to be something psychologically binding us to these men.
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Old 28th December 2017, 10:06 PM   #9
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It's all about the addiction. When one's an addict and has to break the cycle, the thought of going through with it is worse than the actual event itself. After a month, your brain quiets down and you feel like you're moving on a little.

The problem is, when you break it, you're more addicted than before. You and your lover tell each other how it's never been better as you're both in dual limerence.

It's your brain fooling yourself. Make up your mind that it's over. You're killing yourself by stressing yourself out emotionally.

I feel you, I've been there, and years later, there are days I want to sneak a peek and see what's gong on. I then get busy and tell myself, I've come way TOO far for a cheap thrill.
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Old 29th December 2017, 3:55 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Finding my way View Post
He's told me things he says he's never told other people, at times I've felt closer to him than any other person before. But he keeps choosing BW and their marriage, and NOT choosing me.

I've been miserable and it's taking an emotional and physical toll on me...
Quite insightful, Finding my way. I agree wholeheartedly. Each day that he goes to their home, his actions say that he is choosing his betrayed wife and his marriage to her, that he is unwilling to give either of those up or change anything in a significant way.

And if you try to take you away from him, he will feel that he is being done wrong by you, like you can't change your mind about being an extra or want a better relationship... like you can't put an end to being repeatedly rejected... Be ready for that.

Reading here on LoveShack helped me to finally come to terms with the fact that HE was rejecting me by repeatedly leaving me to go home to her. I thought his many calls and long (though often trivial) conversations really meant something. Of course, these meant very little - in fact, they were likely designed as hooks to keep me interested and involved, considering... that every day he went home to someone else for whom he obviously wanted to keep happy (by keeping her in the dark) and share his life with.

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Originally Posted by burnt View Post
The truth is most of us went through the cycle of push/pull and contact/no contact so many times that it was the damage from repetition that finally stopped us from continuing farther.

It's only a small fraction of the OWs who are strong enough to stop the affair mid-way. Most of us don't stop it ourselves--rather the affair stops us completely, making us so drained and fatigued after a while that we no longer have the strength to run through one more cycle.

Like most of us, you too, I suppose, will get to a point where you won't have to try to stop the affair--rather the depth of pain will stop you from going on any longer.
I really love these words^ by burnt. I wish I could fully describe the weariness I began to feel for not being strong enough to end the affair, yet desperate for the dynamic to change. Eventually, this got to be so bad that I had been wearing my despair and other people began to see it on me. Things came to a head when his employment was terminated. The termination forced a separation. He hunkered down and focused on what were his actual priorities, and I did not fit anywhere on that list. I felt a type of survivor's guilt since I wasn't terminated (his termination had nothing at all to do with the affair, btw), and fell into an even deeper depression. But by the time he called me some 30 days later, I had become OK with the fact that it was finally over and we wouldn't be talking at all. When I told him that, he was quite shocked and none too pleased.

Last edited by Vivir; 29th December 2017 at 4:02 AM..
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Old 29th December 2017, 6:09 AM   #11
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How about saying "I'm fed up of sharing you with another woman"

Or that rather than waste your time..you want to be free to date and see/sleep with other men...the same way he is free to do with his wife.
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Old 29th December 2017, 7:21 AM   #12
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April will be three years for my A with MM. He's told me things he says he's never told other people, at times I've felt closer to him than any other person before. But he keeps choosing BW and their marriage, and NOT choosing me.
Confiding "secrets", finding commonalities, creating links, mirroring can all be signs of closeness, but are all also easily faked by manipulators, con artists, PUAs, players and dare I say it, MM.
Classic manipulation technique
All that "closeness" is designed to get what they want.
Women love all that emotional stuff, so is it any surprise that some men will use it to their advantage?

"Oh woe is me, my mother never really loved me, I have never told anyone that before but she didn't, she neglected me..."
"Oh dear, you poor thing..."
"I am sure a hug and a bit of fun would make me feel way better..."

So despite your MM apparently "choosing" YOU as being his special person, the one he is supposedly closest to, once back in the real world he forgets you and it is his wife who is then the really special one.
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:02 AM   #13
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All the way down the rabbit hole

And then this morning I decided to log on to Facebook and stalk her page.. brilliant.. 8 months of not looking and now this downward spiral isn't going very well.
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Old 29th December 2017, 9:45 AM   #14
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And then this morning I decided to log on to Facebook and stalk her page.. brilliant.. 8 months of not looking and now this downward spiral isn't going very well.
Why? Why are you being so self destructive? Do you think this is going to make you feel any better? Why are you beating yourself up?

If you were watching of film of someone forcing you to go on her website, you'd be disgusted and look away.

Stop doing this to yourself
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Old 29th December 2017, 10:02 AM   #15
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Why? Why are you being so self destructive? Do you think this is going to make you feel any better? Why are you beating yourself up?

If you were watching of film of someone forcing you to go on her website, you'd be disgusted and look away.

Stop doing this to yourself
It's almost like punishment,

I put myself in this position and for so long and future fantazing, thinking we had something special , and the scenario is so typical it is nauseating but for the last 3 days I have been obsessing.

I need to stop she's his wife, ..she I am sure thinks they are happy. I have been playing house with him while he is here and he is cake eating . I need to stop seeing him as this person who is in love with me and shares everything with me and as this woman who loves him and has a whole other life with him ..husband

I won't look anymore. I just felt like **** it, your down here in the gutter just roll in your filth.
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