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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:09 PM   #61
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Originally Posted by jjgitties View Post
OP, your back story and the "creepy" thing you picked up on. It could be you are in an affair with a psychopath. If you can't control yourself you should do everything you can not to let your child near this person. Because it's not his child, he may very well do something that a parent would never do. just my 2 cents.

Psychopath Definition May Be Different Than You Thought: 7 Facts About Psychopaths

There are many that are not violent in the way mass media portray them.
JJ
I agree with you. I have read that a great number of MM who cheat are narcissists or psychopaths. The personality disorder robs them of any conscience.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 9:58 PM   #62
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Hmm I wonder if this poster has ever been overtaken by an experience that took every part of the life he/she knew before and was left totally alone in the world???

Poppy.
A cardiologist doesn't have to experience a heart defect to understand what it is and how to fix it. I'm not saying I'm Dr Infidelity, but the bottom line is people get themselves into situation by making decisions. Of course you can blame others and other things but at the end of the day YOU made the decision and could have just as easily not made those choices.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 10:30 PM   #63
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A cardiologist doesn't have to experience a heart defect to understand what it is and how to fix it. I'm not saying I'm Dr Infidelity, but the bottom line is people get themselves into situation by making decisions. Of course you can blame others and other things but at the end of the day YOU made the decision and could have just as easily not made those choices.
True. However... these guys dangle friendship and empathy and a shoulder to cry on as bait, and if you are in a vulnerable position it's hard to resist. Then once they've got you hooked they start putting the pressure on. These guys are extremely good at manipulation. They are con men. Everyone has been conned at some point in their lives, and you look back and you say, wow, what an idiot I was. The important thing is that you got away from it and whether or not you learned from it.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:54 PM   #64
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True. However... these guys dangle friendship and empathy and a shoulder to cry on as bait, and if you are in a vulnerable position it's hard to resist. Then once they've got you hooked they start putting the pressure on. These guys are extremely good at manipulation. They are con men. Everyone has been conned at some point in their lives, and you look back and you say, wow, what an idiot I was. The important thing is that you got away from it and whether or not you learned from it.
Grief and difficult circumstances do not allow for perfection in judgement. That is being human Jah. It is all very well for others to rabbit on about making decisions. At some points in life, we just F... U because the decision making process is temporarily broken.

I am the first to say Mea Culpa and I messed up.

Did I get away? You bet I have. Complete NC forever.

Did I learn? You bet I did. I learned about Narcissism and how it can destroy lives and people. Con people are everywhere, always on the prowl, looking for a small weakness that can be of benefit to them.

Poppy.
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Old 24th December 2017, 12:55 AM   #65
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True. However... these guys dangle friendship and empathy and a shoulder to cry on as bait, and if you are in a vulnerable position it's hard to resist. Then once they've got you hooked they start putting the pressure on. These guys are extremely good at manipulation. They are con men. Everyone has been conned at some point in their lives, and you look back and you say, wow, what an idiot I was. The important thing is that you got away from it and whether or not you learned from it.
That feeling you got when you knew things weren't right we're feelings you should have listened to. Con men or not, you were equipped to handle it but choose to ignore and stay. OP is at that point herself, NOW she is ignoring it, as do all OW/MW who continue down that path. Yes, women, in general are more likely to be emotionally driven, but never a slave to those emotions..

Sure, these guys aren't world class, but doesn't the fact that they are willing to cheat with you kinda clue you in to that fact? Women always have options, too many just aren't open to or willing to see them.
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Old 24th December 2017, 1:16 AM   #66
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JJ
I agree with you. I have read that a great number of MM who cheat are narcissists or psychopaths. The personality disorder robs them of any conscience.
POppy.
I think that's quite an extreme view, and likley not the case.

Most mm are not psychopaths or narcissists. While a few may be, most are just like the rest of us, flawed humans being that tend to screw up from time to time.

Those that can keep an affair going for years are another story.
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Old 24th December 2017, 1:27 AM   #67
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I think that's quite an extreme view, and likley not the case.

Most mm are not psychopaths or narcissists. While a few may be, most are just like the rest of us, flawed humans being that tend to screw up from time to time.

Those that can keep an affair going for years are another story.
I don't think the guy is a psychopath because he is a MM. He's a psychopath for intentionally targeting an emotionally vulnerable woman to get some pussy on the side. A normal mind in a male would show some sort of human empathy and understanding and, if he actually cared or loved or found the woman attractive as a human, would step back and realize this is not a good time in this persons life to put moves on her and come on to them.

It's kind of like being with a very drunk woman and taking advantage. A normal mind would step back and say this is obviously not consensual given the fact that she is **** faced drunk. I should not try to stick my dick in her.

but anyways, the point of my post is. i cant pass judgement on OP and her choice of mate. but it sounds like OP has a kid. so, if the back story of what she posted is true, then this guy does not sound like he has a healthy brain IMO and she might want to find ways to keep her child aware from him. a person that has no empathy towards a woman he is in an affair with probably has no empathy towards the child.

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Old 24th December 2017, 3:25 AM   #68
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I think that's quite an extreme view, and likley not the case.

Most mm are not psychopaths or narcissists. While a few may be, most are just like the rest of us, flawed humans being that tend to screw up from time to time.

Those that can keep an affair going for years are another story.
They are the ones I was referring to.
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Old 24th December 2017, 7:41 AM   #69
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The big problem with all this "I was vulnerable", "He is a psychopath" is that defence falls down on one simple fact.
He is married.
That is not usually something that is withheld, all participants know from the start.
They also often know that he has no intention of leaving his wife either, so any pleas of "innocence" and being "manipulated", seem a bit disingenuous...

It is not rocket science.
Married, would be Lothario makes a play, woman shuts him down. End of.
But, no that doesn't happen and out come all the justifications for why it ended up the way it did.

It is not as if such married men are working under the radar, that no-one is aware of the games they play and that all are surprised, shocked and stunned to find out he is a cad and a rotter...
Is there not a old joke about "my wife doesn't understand me" whilst he chases anything in a skirt who is willing.
So I really do not get why women get so involved in the first place, unless they have an agenda of their own.

Serendipity has played for a long time at "getting rid", but it is never really successful as I guess she wants this man for herself, and I guess she is willing to play the long game.
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Old 24th December 2017, 8:24 AM   #70
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OP, I thought I'd add one more point.
You and MM are not together in this. Your expereinces are xompletely different.
For instance, while periods of NC are torture and heartbreak to you, they are part of the fun and drama for him.
He's not really scared he will lose you, so for him it's a cycle of contact/no contact. The periods of NC are just a build up for breaking it.
He is in this for the thrill, so all the things that make you miserable- the secrecy, the sneaking around, the instability, the tear filled conversations, the lack of commitment- are making him high.
NC is hard for you, but it's fun for him, because it's melodramatic. It's part of the thrill.
Please understand that while this is very real, meaningful,important and heartfelt for you, it is his fun and games.
Also, there is really no way he and his wife are not having sex because he feels committed to you.
Not happening.
Big, fat, manipulative lie.
Yes, I know there are sexless marriages, but this couple has a toddler and a baby, right? They're having sex, and as it seems she's doing most of the childcare and is probably exhausted, I'd go out on a limb and guess he's initiating most of it.
OP, you have suffered a terrible tragedy, but you have been married. You have a child. You have a carreer. You have an extended family and friends. You have yourself.
Is this married man, father of 2 small children, really standing between you and your happiness? Do you really need him to be happy?
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Old 24th December 2017, 8:40 AM   #71
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I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

I just wanted to share the update.
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Old 24th December 2017, 9:40 AM   #72
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I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

I just wanted to share the update.
Sorry my dear. I do not presume to speak for Jenkins, but he has stated many times that he keeps complete and permanent NC with the ex OW.
THAT is how a man who is truly trying to do right behaves.
It is, first and foremost, the most decent thing to do by a BS, but also by the Ex OW/OM. Hoping to stay in contact while pretending to commit to a marriage is lying to everyone involved.
Wake up, sister. It was not an innocent, friendly messaged. It was a hook, a manipulation to plant the idea in your head that this will continue.
You seem to have a very distorted view of him anf your relationship. We can't end this for you, it is only up to you.
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Old 24th December 2017, 9:45 AM   #73
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They are the ones I was referring to.
Poppy.
Ah,now I understand, and agree with you. How he can look at you in the face, look his wife in the face and feel okay lying to you both day after day I just can't get my head around. I can see how he was able to keep you off balance, not understanding how he could do it. It sounds like he knew just what t say to keep you hooked.

You now what though, maybe that's actually a good thing that you can't understand how he can be so cruel. That means you are nothing like him, you have empathy and also that you have the capacity to love someone so much.

Those are wonderful traits...please don't let him change that about you.
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Old 24th December 2017, 9:48 AM   #74
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I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

I just wanted to share the update.
op,
please DO NOT take these as signs he cares. In fact, they are actually signs he doesn't care.

If he cared, he would leave you alone and not keep planting seeds of hope in you heart. Look at how he is making you feel. He is being cruel...and the worst part? He seems to feel just fine about doing it.
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Old 24th December 2017, 9:51 AM   #75
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I do want to leave it behind now - I just don't like to feel that I meant nothing or was a bit of fun. It hasn't been fun for either of us.

He has messaged me again just now..."Merry Xmas Eve. I wish I could see you today and spend time with you. This year has been special, looking forward to next year too".

I know some posters will 'tell me off' for quoting him AGAIN but I wonder if this is a genuine "let's just be friends / do right thing message" or because he's not heard from me for 48 hours. I want to believe he's a Jenkins and is now doing the right thing / trying to be cordial.

I know it doesn't matter. I know he's a contradiction and bottom line is this: (a) he's never going to leave because his wife is his family; and (b) I wouldn't want him anyway given he'd do same to me.

I just wanted to share the update.
I/we have no right to judge you or your decision. You are an adult. Just keep your kid away from him. He is not the loving family centric husband father figure that he claim he believes he is.
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