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3 years of waiting...for nothing


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 21st December 2017, 3:02 PM   #46
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He used you. Move on. Find a real man who is not using you as his sex toy. You deserve better. Tell him to eff off.
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Old 21st December 2017, 3:16 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by Daisy2013 View Post
PS Someone on here posted a pod cast link entitled "Let it go" in the thread on this page entitled "Addicted to Love, Part 2 Recovery." It is pure gold. Listen to it.
Hi. On what page is that or if you can tell me who is narrating that so I can locate it on podcast.

OP I will reply to your thread later once I get home. Keep posting, it will be ok.
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:14 PM   #48
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What? He wrote that yesterday after 4 years NC? Or am I missing something?
The beginning sounds like he wants to have the A back, or a R with you.
But towards the end, it sounds more vague. How old are you guys? That’s so weird.
Yes after 4 years no contact. Who the heck knows what it all is supposed to mean and who cares. Here’s what I got out of it:

In 4 years he’s done NOTHING to fix his life. Nothing to be truthful. He’s physically there with his wife going through the motions but still fixated on me. If that was my H (I am not married) and I believed we were in reconciliation because he was there, present and acting as if he was being my H but constantly wishing, fantasising and dreaming about the exAP even if he wasn’t acting on it, that somehow seems just as bad as actually having an A.

He references Hamlet because I am a Shakespeare freak. He is wanting me to remember the quote from “As you like it”

All the world’s a stage,
And all the men and women merely players;
They have their exits and their entrances;
And one man in his time plays many parts,


In other words, he’s living a fake life instead of the life he wants with me
(And is too cowardly to man up and be real)
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:23 PM   #49
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Elaine


I agree and disagree.

He was coming back with all these promises. It’s not like she was waiting around with full NC from him. He gave her hope (hope is a 4 letter word) and strung her along. Obviously OP fell for it hook Line and sinker, and she need lsnto be more careful, and adopt a policy of do no harm.

In this case the BW exhibits some odd behaviour as well.

ExMM DIDNT chose his wife. He faked her out too. If he choose his wife and was a sincere and contrite remorseful man he never would have contacted OP again.

OP needs to shut the door on this MM and I pray the BS dumps him too because fake reconciliation is the final insult.


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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
Hard though it is for you, he makes some very valid points.
YOU chose to stick around when the odds were very much against you.

As soon as he mentioned reconciliation that was your cue to leave.
When a man actively chooses his wife and marriage over you, you get out.

There are no Brownie points for being essentially a doormat.

You entered his life when it was all up in the air, confused, messy, chaotic...
He decided to explore the "wife" option up until its conclusion and he has now decided to sort his head out and you are no longer seen as part of his future.
You need to respect that and let him finally go.

As Sandylee says
Was that ever really a very sensible course of action?
He was never choosing you, you just hoped to get him by default and he had other plans, unfortunately for you.

Yes, you can wallow in distress, pain and agony for years, and you can forever whine about it being "not fair" and how he is a total [insert derogatory term of choice] and you can let this ruin your life, but I suggest you instead use this as a springboard to reassess your life and turn it all around.

Grieve, heal and move on.
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Old 21st December 2017, 4:30 PM   #50
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Lookingforclosure thanks for allowing me to thread jack!
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:04 PM   #51
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Originally Posted by PhillyLibertyBelle View Post
Yes after 4 years no contact. Who the heck knows what it all is supposed to mean and who cares. Here’s what I got out of it:

In 4 years he’s done NOTHING to fix his life. Nothing to be truthful. He’s physically there with his wife going through the motions but still fixated on me. If that was my H (I am not married) and I believed we were in reconciliation because he was there, present and acting as if he was being my H but constantly wishing, fantasising and dreaming about the exAP even if he wasn’t acting on it, that somehow seems just as bad as actually having an A)
I agree 100%. Worse, even, than an A.
I wonder how many MM - during reconciliation - actually keep “dreaming” of a different life with a different partner, while they don’t have the guts to act on it.... Sad.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:09 PM   #52
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I agree 100%. Worse, even, than an A.
I wonder how many MM - during reconciliation - actually keep “dreaming” of a different life with a different partner, while they don’t have the guts to act on it.... Sad.
I mean who even knows what he is saying? He’s going to change so I can have and receive better? Or he’s never going to change so I can have and receive better?

I’m better all alone!
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:10 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by Minnie09 View Post
I agree 100%. Worse, even, than an A.
I wonder how many MM - during reconciliation - actually keep “dreaming” of a different life with a different partner, while they don’t have the guts to act on it.... Sad.
Lots. AP are all fantasy!

It’s like being a dry drunk and not sober!
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:16 PM   #54
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I mean who even knows what he is saying? He’s going to change so I can have and receive better? Or he’s never going to change so I can have and receive better?

I’m better all alone!
I think what he’s saying is that “he’s not quite there yet”, but he wants you to know that he knows what you expected from him way back when...... And now he’s “working out” some stuff, so please don’t forget about him, just in case he develops the guts to actually change things into what he wants them to be; and in the meantime, if you’re ready and willing, he’d like to stay in touch......that’s my take.
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:17 PM   #55
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I think what he’s saying is that “he’s not quite there yet”, but he wants you to know that he knows what you expected from him way back when...... And now he’s “working out” some stuff, so please don’t forget about him, just in case he develops the guts to actually change things into what he wants them to be; and in the meantime, if you’re ready and willing, he’d like to stay in touch......that’s my take.
Breadcrumbs. He had 4 years. Game over
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:26 PM   #56
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I think you summed it up pretty good Minnie09
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Old 21st December 2017, 6:32 PM   #57
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I think you summed it up pretty good Minnie09
He said that for years. Same old same old !
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Old 21st December 2017, 7:31 PM   #58
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Hi. On what page is that or if you can tell me who is narrating that so I can locate it on podcast.

OP I will reply to your thread later once I get home. Keep posting, it will be ok.

http://www.theonlineword.com/mp3/5246.mp3

In case the link doesn't work, it is located in this forum topic under the thread entitled above on one of the replies on the 1st page of that thread.
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Old 21st December 2017, 8:05 PM   #59
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Elaine
I agree and disagree.

He was coming back with all these promises. It’s not like she was waiting around with full NC from him. He gave her hope (hope is a 4 letter word) and strung her along. Obviously OP fell for it hook Line and sinker, and she need lsnto be more careful, and adopt a policy of do no harm.
Trouble with all these promises and believing them was the context.
This a not a single man telling her "We will be together always" and a week later showing up with a proposal and a ring, this was a married man trying to get back with his wife, telling his OW to basically wait around.

Is it not up to her to go "Wait a minute, something ain't quite right here."?
Is it not an unrealistic level of naivety to wait around for a man who had basically shut her down in favour of his wife and kids?
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Old 21st December 2017, 9:44 PM   #60
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What we need to listen to is their other words and watch their actions. I waited more than 3 years. One day as we were talking on the phone and he said something that made me ask "So, you would be just fine without me in your life and you would go on happily?" He replied, "No, but like a shelf of encyclopedias, you would become like one, part of my history and at times I would remember fondly. Men think differently, I guess." I cannot describe how I felt hanging up that phone.
Daisy is right on this one, LookingForClosure. These men think very differently than you or I. They can compartmentalize us and the affair as separate from their real lives (read: non-affair lives). My xMM said something similar. That he'd always keep what we had on a shelf and take it down every now and then to fondly remember it. I believe it was easier for him to let me go than vice versa. For me, he was a part of my real life. For him, I was just a box on a shelf separate from his non-affair life.

The text you received from your xMM has this flavor to it. It doesn't seem like he ever viewed you as a part of his real life. You were an add-on separate from it. And now that he has a chance to get a fresh start in his real life without his wife, it doesn't make sense to have you around anymore. It is selfish and cruel, but it is very consistent with how MM think. He was part of your life and heart. He probably never felt the same about you.

Your xMM's text is also consistent with one of my working theories on affairs: that once you help a man screw around on his wife, he will always put you in the OW/wh*re category and will never be able to remake you into the role of wife/Madonna. Society teaches men this awful dichotomy, and an OW can never reclaim her innocence enough to become his wife.
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