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3 years of waiting...for nothing


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Old 21st December 2017, 1:32 AM   #31
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@ Looking for Closure, my heart hurts for you. I hope for this upcoming year you can find strength and move on for yourself. We wait so long for them because we do love them. I heard the same words ... the I love you, I want you to be part of m put life....

What we need to listen to is their other words and watch their actions. I waited more than 3 years. One day as we were talking on the phone and he said something that made me ask "So, you would be just fine without me in your life and you would go on happily?" He replied, "No, but like a shelf of encyclopedias, you would become like one, part of my history and at times I would remember fondly. Men think differently, I guess." I cannot describe how I felt hanging up that phone.

Please don't wait or hold out for him. Time marches on, and fast. He will toy with you, but likely never come to you for a real relationship. Don't be me. Walk way with dignity and on your terms. Sending you hugs.

PS Someone on here posted a pod cast link entitled "Let it go" in the thread on this page entitled "Addicted to Love, Part 2 Recovery." It is pure gold. Listen to it.
Aren't they wonderful....xMM compared to to book he loved and kept picking up again.Bloody lovely.
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:00 AM   #32
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What a complete A hole he is!

He doesn't even have the decency to blame himself for his own part in his crappy behavior!

He's condescending and treats you like he's teaching a school girl! What a douche!

Be glad you didn't end up with him!

And ya - his wife was never aware of any of this either. He's been equally as cruel to her.

Be relieved he found a new victim. Good riddance!
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:24 AM   #33
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I was on here in 2015 after I was dumped by my MM after a 2 year affair. He claimed to want to do the right thing and try to make the marriage work for his children. I was devastated
He popped in and out of my life for the last 3 years..every couple months. He still cared and loved me, but was trying for the kids.
He contacted me in June stating the counseling had stopped because it wasn't going anywhere and the wife wasn't making any effort to reconcile..she has been living separate from him since 7/2015.

So in August after a couple of months of silence my Mom was sick, almost died in the hospital and he popped up again. So i asked him straight out what the deal was...why did he keep doing this to me. He said he still loved me and cared about me and didn't want me out of his life. To have faith that we had a future together

Well he has decided to finally file for divorce and take off that wedding band...unfortunately his feelings must have drastically changed over the last 4 months. He wouldn't answer any texts or calls from me. And he even told my best friend that he was letting the wife go, but he didn't know what to say to me...he didn't want me to think we would get back together right away...

Well he went on a date with another woman whom he "like a lot" according to my friend. He told her this after talking about me on Thursday. I don't understand. He knew I was waiting for him...yet he chose to take that ring off for someone else

I feel sick
It's time for you to let go and grieve the loss. For THREE years you waited for him, wasted your precious heart and love on someone who didn't choose you, and still isn't choosing you.

Please don't let him in your life, not even as a friend. he has no respect nor genuine care for you, his actions have shown you who he is.

take care of you now, rely on good friends and family to help you through this painful time and CUT the mutual friend out of your life. Hearing about ex MM isn't healthy and it'll prevent you from moving on.
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Old 21st December 2017, 2:29 AM   #34
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He decided to text me even though I told him there was no need to contact me at all period

This is what I received

Well, hello to you too. Iíve made some conscious decisions to change some things in my life lately and meeting someone else was not even in the cards. You know full well how people just pop into your life sometimes with no effort other than chance. When A asked me how my week was going, as she often does, I told her some things in confidence and now know that was betrayed, though donít know why she felt the need to run and immediately tell you anything. Hereís the thing. We once had something that was special and could have been long-lasting. I still care how your life turns out and that you ultimately find contentment, joy, and the long-lasting love you deserve. Whether thatís with a man or no one but yourself, up to you. The timing for us was bad (obviously) and you held out hope, knowing full well, for several years now that I believed the right thing to do was to repair my marriage and restore my family. Iíve tried and is the reason I couldnít rightfully have any relationship with you or any effort I was making along the way with my marriage would have never worked with you in the picture. You knew that and took that risk in stride. I never would have waited this long thinking my marriage was salvageable if I had a crystal ball. Iíve put my life on hold in a number of areas and am DONE doing that. 2018 is going to be a much different year for me. I hope it is for you too. You may never forgive me....but honestly, what if you never heard anything from me for another 6 months, a year, two years? Were you really going to keep holding out for me for much longer had you not heard a peep from others about my life or if I had gotten back with K? Thereís no reason you couldnít have at least dated someone here or there to see if there was someone else right out there for you. I feel guilty, yet you have always been fully in control of your life and feelings. I feel sure youíve had that opportunity on more than one occasion the last 3 years and it was always your choice to pursue that or not. YOU have chosen to not accept the invitations to date other guys, if that is in fact the case which Iím almost certain has happened. Thereís no way I have had any kind of hold on you preventing you to at least explore other options. I will never take for granted what we had. It was special despite the bad timing as I said previously, however I donít see how we could ever get back what weíve lost. Donít hate me for that. I havenít worked out details of how Iím going to resolve my old life at this time and while I will be navigating things carefully, certainly donít want you to get your hopes up that we can ever be a thing. Iíve prayed for you to find someone and that you would forget about me. You are an independent girl and have long since been on your feet after the Eric disaster. Please....never be beholden to me or another man for your contentment and joy. We constantly disappoint.
Okay after reading this, I really hope you see him for who he is and never see/speak to him ever again.

This is a gift of your freedom now, you chose to hang onto him (though I'm sure his on/off pop ins in your life prevented you from letting go) for 3 years, now you KNOW he isn't interested in pursuing anything with you in the future.

Get therapy if need be so you can heal in a healthy way and not let him ruin your life or any other future relationships.
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Old 21st December 2017, 3:25 AM   #35
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And please allow your friend that keeps updating you on him that you don't want to hear anything more about him, ever again!
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Old 21st December 2017, 7:13 AM   #36
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And please allow your friend that keeps updating you on him that you don't want to hear anything more about him, ever again!
I agree.
This is part of complete No Contact, Essential for your healing.

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Old 21st December 2017, 8:47 AM   #37
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I have asked her NOT to share anything about him going further...he's kissing her tail because he's worried he looks like a jerk

She can be friendly with him all she wants...she kinda doesn't have much choice but to be cordial, and I have told her NOT to share anything about MY life with him period.
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Old 21st December 2017, 9:30 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by lookingforclosure View Post
He wrote:
"Well, hello to you too.
Iíve made some conscious decisions to change some things in my life lately and meeting someone else was not even in the cards.

You know full well how people just pop into your life sometimes with no effort other than chance. When A asked me how my week was going, as she often does, I told her some things in confidence and now know that was betrayed, though donít know why she felt the need to run and immediately tell you anything.

Hereís the thing.
We once had something that was special and could have been long-lasting. I still care how your life turns out and that you ultimately find contentment, joy, and the long-lasting love you deserve. Whether thatís with a man or no one but yourself, up to you.

The timing for us was bad (obviously) and you held out hope, knowing full well, for several years now that I believed the right thing to do was to repair my marriage and restore my family.

Iíve tried and is the reason I couldnít rightfully have any relationship with you or any effort I was making along the way with my marriage would have never worked with you in the picture. You knew that and took that risk in stride.

I never would have waited this long thinking my marriage was salvageable if I had a crystal ball.

Iíve put my life on hold in a number of areas and am DONE doing that. 2018 is going to be a much different year for me.

I hope it is for you too. You may never forgive me....but honestly, what if you never heard anything from me for another 6 months, a year, two years?

Were you really going to keep holding out for me for much longer had you not heard a peep from others about my life or if I had gotten back with K?

Thereís no reason you couldnít have at least dated someone here or there to see if there was someone else right out there for you. I feel guilty, yet you have always been fully in control of your life and feelings. I feel sure youíve had that opportunity on more than one occasion the last 3 years and it was always your choice to pursue that or not.
YOU have chosen to not accept the invitations to date other guys, if that is in fact the case which Iím almost certain has happened.

Thereís no way I have had any kind of hold on you preventing you to at least explore other options.

I will never take for granted what we had. It was special despite the bad timing as I said previously, however I donít see how we could ever get back what weíve lost. Donít hate me for that.

I havenít worked out details of how Iím going to resolve my old life at this time and while I will be navigating things carefully, certainly donít want you to get your hopes up that we can ever be a thing. Iíve prayed for you to find someone and that you would forget about me. You are an independent girl and have long since been on your feet after the Eric disaster.

Please....never be beholden to me or another man for your contentment and joy. We constantly disappoint."
Hard though it is for you, he makes some very valid points.
YOU chose to stick around when the odds were very much against you.

As soon as he mentioned reconciliation that was your cue to leave.
When a man actively chooses his wife and marriage over you, you get out.

There are no Brownie points for being essentially a doormat.

You entered his life when it was all up in the air, confused, messy, chaotic...
He decided to explore the "wife" option up until its conclusion and he has now decided to sort his head out and you are no longer seen as part of his future.
You need to respect that and let him finally go.

As Sandylee says
Quote:
You wasted years in hope that his marriage would fail.... because that's the only way he could legitimately be your man.
Was that ever really a very sensible course of action?
He was never choosing you, you just hoped to get him by default and he had other plans, unfortunately for you.

Yes, you can wallow in distress, pain and agony for years, and you can forever whine about it being "not fair" and how he is a total [insert derogatory term of choice] and you can let this ruin your life, but I suggest you instead use this as a springboard to reassess your life and turn it all around.

Grieve, heal and move on.
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:35 AM   #39
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Op,
while I never believe "once a cheater, always a cheater", there is one point about a married/man woman that you ave to understand. It might help you figure out why this man has treated you this way.

When a spouse is having an affair, they have to come home at some point and see their husband or wife. They have to be able to lie to them,even if just by omission, otherwise, it will all blow up in their face.

Some people can't do that over the long term, the guilt eats away at them, and no matter what they may or not feel towards their spouse, they don't want to lie and hurt them. They end up either confessing or ending the affair.

A person who can engage in a long term affair, without any guilt, may well have some sort of personality issue, or, at best, they are comfortable with lying over an extended period of time. They are also adept at rationalizing their poor behavior. Some may blame that on the situation, but really, put yourself in their shoes. Could you continue to lie to someone like that. over and over, and not feel bad? Even if you didn't love them, wouldn't your integrity eventually cause the situation to come to a head?

If someone is capable of doing that to one person, they can do it to another just as easily. It's like a shady used car salesman who will lie to one customer just as easily as the next.

In a way, he gave you this insight into his personality without even realizing it.

I now it hurts terribly right now, but in time, it will get better. That doesn't mean you didn't love him or your feelings were for nothing or had no worth It just means that, sometimes, love isn't enough.
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Old 21st December 2017, 11:48 AM   #40
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Not sure what exactly...but I do know the wife contacted the new woman, doesn't sound to me the wife knew that the reconciliation process wasn't working for him.
You do know his wife is a person, not just "the wife". She has feelings, thoughts, hopes, dreams for her future, just like you did/do. Just like you, she is trying to pick up the pieces of her life, only she also has children who she also has to protect and help navigate through this.

Right now, she might well be sitting somewhere wondering what she did that was so wrong that he left her, why he can't love her the way she loves him, what mistakes she made to deserve to be treated like this. Him, being the chickensh@t coward he sounds like, would rather let her sit and think this was all her fault. If you could see her now, you might well see a woman who has crumbled, but she still has to be strong and keep a smile on her face for the kids and family, even though she may well cry herself to sleep every night.

I'm saying that because, maybe if you see her as a person he really has treated very poorly, you will begin to understand how he can do the same to you. You might understand that it's not about you, not really. His actions are all about him. Don't allow him to turn it around and make his choices a reflection of you, when they are anything but. You could well be the perfect woman, and he still wouldn't have chosen you.

If he won't choose you, how about YOU choose you? Give yourself the love he seems to be incapable of. Let him lie in the muck he's created in his life, and you, and hopefully his wife too, can both move on to better days. My hope for both of you is that one day, you and his wife can both look back and wonder what the frick it was you ever aw in this guy, but it won't really matter, as you will both be happy in your lives, whether you are with someone new or not.
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Old 21st December 2017, 12:53 PM   #41
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Hard though it is for you, he makes some very valid points.
YOU chose to stick around when the odds were very much against you.

As soon as he mentioned reconciliation that was your cue to leave.
When a man actively chooses his wife and marriage over you, you get out.

There are no Brownie points for being essentially a doormat.

You entered his life when it was all up in the air, confused, messy, chaotic...
He decided to explore the "wife" option up until its conclusion and he has now decided to sort his head out and you are no longer seen as part of his future.
You need to respect that and let him finally go.

As Sandylee says
Was that ever really a very sensible course of action?
He was never choosing you, you just hoped to get him by default and he had other plans, unfortunately for you.

Yes, you can wallow in distress, pain and agony for years, and you can forever whine about it being "not fair" and how he is a total [insert derogatory term of choice] and you can let this ruin your life, but I suggest you instead use this as a springboard to reassess your life and turn it all around.

Grieve, heal and move on.
I come back to what he said and I think he's really articulated the situation perfectly.

I think many MM wonder why the he'll single attractive women hang around and wait for them...but few would ever express it quite so clearly.

Did you never date anyone on those 3 years?

That's very sad that you essentially handed him the power over your emotions....by waiting.

You were waiting for a man who was cheating on his wife and mother of his children.

You believed him when he said he wanted to work it out for the kids that he didn't love his wife.

It's all well and good him being called names here....but you also need to reflect on why you had no issue being in a relationship with a married man.

Which by all accounts you would still have been ...if he never ended it in 2015.


He's not great by his actions...but take stock of your actions.

And really if he was popping back into your life every 2 months...he really wasn't fully commiting to reconciling with his wife. She probably felt that...but he'd rather blame her.

His words are wise ones, unlike himself as a person. I totally get the arrogance in his tone.
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Old 21st December 2017, 12:56 PM   #42
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Op,
while I never believe "once a cheater, always a cheater", there is one point about a married/man woman that you ave to understand. It might help you figure out why this man has treated you this way.

When a spouse is having an affair, they have to come home at some point and see their husband or wife. They have to be able to lie to them,even if just by omission, otherwise, it will all blow up in their face.

Some people can't do that over the long term, the guilt eats away at them, and no matter what they may or not feel towards their spouse, they don't want to lie and hurt them. They end up either confessing or ending the affair.

A person who can engage in a long term affair, without any guilt, may well have some sort of personality issue, or, at best, they are comfortable with lying over an extended period of time. They are also adept at rationalizing their poor behavior. Some may blame that on the situation, but really, put yourself in their shoes. Could you continue to lie to someone like that. over and over, and not feel bad? Even if you didn't love them, wouldn't your integrity eventually cause the situation to come to a head?

If someone is capable of doing that to one person, they can do it to another just as easily. It's like a shady used car salesman who will lie to one customer just as easily as the next.

In a way, he gave you this insight into his personality without even realizing it.

I now it hurts terribly right now, but in time, it will get better. That doesn't mean you didn't love him or your feelings were for nothing or had no worth It just means that, sometimes, love isn't enough.
This is an excellent illustration of the type of man you are dealing with - and will hopefully help you see him for what he is and move on.

I was an MM in an affair and that makes me (or made me) a complete POS. But after several months of cheating and lies, I began to break down. I couldn't handle it - the stress, the duplicity, the cheating, the lies. I became unhinged, depressed, desperate. I couldn't sleep at nights, I ended up losing my job because my performance levels dropped so low....the thought of ending it all even crossed my mind (but I never seriously entertained that idea).

Getting myself in that kind of mess meant that my A was quickly discovered, confession followed and the A ended. My wife and myself are now two years into reconcilliation - it's very tough, but we are doing much better than I could have hoped two years ago.

So, having been through this, I am always amazed when I hear of people maintaining affairs for 3, 4, 5 - even 10+ year, leading that double life. I was falling apart just after a few months. Equally, I don't understand people who have an affair, end it, reconcile...and then have another affair! I just can't belive that having made that mistake once, people get themselves intot hat situation again. I can officially say that there's more chance of me landing on Mars than having another affair - and I don't own a spacesuit!

The MM in this case fits into this category. He is able to lead double lives for years without it affecting his ability to appear and behave normally, and rpesumably without feeling too much stress or guilt. This takes a very special type of person (and not in the complimentary sense). He is a very angerous person to be in a relationship with and could probably never be trusted. Just try to be glad that you can see this clearly now and try to release yourself from his spell.

Good luck x
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Old 21st December 2017, 1:31 PM   #43
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I shared this with looking for closure yesterday so she could see they are all the same. ExMM dumped me 4 years ago, no explanation, blocked everywhere, treated me as a discarded piece of trash. Huge DDay. People here always said they come back, I never believed it and yesterday i got this bit of word salad trash. Iím happy to say I 1. Have no idea what it means and 2. Have no desire to respond. Whatís making me strong is that he is still the same pathetic liar he always was, mediocre at best, and still deceiving his BW who thinks they are in mega reconciliation. Itís almost like he was set a challenge to write something as if he has BPD. Clearly itís a textbook case. I want Looking for Closure to get where i am after 4 years, at a point of realisation that heís so beneath me itís unbelievable. Donít try to interpret it, as it makes NO Sense!



You know me better than anyone. I have shared my deepest desires, hopes, passions, fears, and anxieties with you. I have cried with you, from the heart cried with you. You have said that I need to sort myself out and you are absolutely correct. My actions and my decisions do not align with what I want most and therefore I am in turmoil.

An apology can only begin the mending and to truly heal completely I will need to sincerely and with integrity align my every action with what I truly want for me and for my life. Your gift of friendship after my appalling behavior is very meaningful to me however we are more than friends. I am unable to separate my intense emotions of desire, romantic and intellectual, from my feelings of connection and friendship. Our shared experiences elucidate my true wants and desires and the intoxicating rush of love is truly overwhelming. I am wholeheartedly distraught and utterly apologize for disrespecting your time, your feelings, your emotions, and your open arms. You deserve a whole person response.

I am bent, not broken. I am a problem that I can solve.

You deserve better and you will receive and enjoy better.

Yours,
Anthony dressed as Hamlet


(Side note, the last message I sent to him 4 years ago was that Iíd never stop being his friend. Apparently I lied Iím not his friend!
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Old 21st December 2017, 1:33 PM   #44
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Afterthought.. an apology to me is his healing? Holy narcissism!
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Old 21st December 2017, 1:57 PM   #45
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I shared this with looking for closure yesterday so she could see they are all the same. ExMM dumped me 4 years ago, no explanation, blocked everywhere, treated me as a discarded piece of trash. Huge DDay. People here always said they come back, I never believed it and yesterday i got this bit of word salad trash. Iím happy to say I 1. Have no idea what it means and 2. Have no desire to respond. Whatís making me strong is that he is still the same pathetic liar he always was, mediocre at best, and still deceiving his BW who thinks they are in mega reconciliation. Itís almost like he was set a challenge to write something as if he has BPD. Clearly itís a textbook case. I want Looking for Closure to get where i am after 4 years, at a point of realisation that heís so beneath me itís unbelievable. Donít try to interpret it, as it makes NO Sense!



You know me better than anyone. I have shared my deepest desires, hopes, passions, fears, and anxieties with you. I have cried with you, from the heart cried with you. You have said that I need to sort myself out and you are absolutely correct. My actions and my decisions do not align with what I want most and therefore I am in turmoil.

An apology can only begin the mending and to truly heal completely I will need to sincerely and with integrity align my every action with what I truly want for me and for my life. Your gift of friendship after my appalling behavior is very meaningful to me however we are more than friends. I am unable to separate my intense emotions of desire, romantic and intellectual, from my feelings of connection and friendship. Our shared experiences elucidate my true wants and desires and the intoxicating rush of love is truly overwhelming. I am wholeheartedly distraught and utterly apologize for disrespecting your time, your feelings, your emotions, and your open arms. You deserve a whole person response.

I am bent, not broken. I am a problem that I can solve.

You deserve better and you will receive and enjoy better.

Yours,
Anthony dressed as Hamlet


(Side note, the last message I sent to him 4 years ago was that Iíd never stop being his friend. Apparently I lied Iím not his friend!
What? He wrote that yesterday after 4 years NC? Or am I missing something?
The beginning sounds like he wants to have the A back, or a R with you.
But towards the end, it sounds more vague. How old are you guys? Thatís so weird.
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