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3 years of waiting...for nothing


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 19th December 2017, 12:24 PM   #16
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@Vivir

When I found out about the date I was livid...He had told my friend only the day before how he had been an ass and had ignored me, and that he just didn't know what to say to me. I was a good woman and deserved better than him and He didn't want me to think we could get back together "right now" (yes he actually said that 24 hours before he announced his date with someone he really likes I might add) and that he's went out with before...I guess while he was ghosting me these past 4 months. I called him and he didn't answer so I sent him a text...and this is what I had written him

"I tried to call you yet again no answer...you've made me feel like an idiot...I believed you still cared and loved me yet was trying to make your marriage work for your children. Telling me to have faith that we had the possibility of something. Knowing full and well I've held on to that, waiting for you. You've popped in and out of my life for 2 years and you don't know what to say to me? How about manning up and being honest instead of taking the cowards way out and using my friend as your delivery service. There's no need to apologize to me because it wouldn't be coming from a sincere place.It's obvious I didn't mean to you what you meant to me, so there's no need to contact me at all period"

He went ahead and blocked me on Instagram last night, yet apparently doesn't realize I have twitter...or he's keeping it open for mind games, who knows...I deactivated mine now
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:31 PM   #17
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I am so sorry, Looking for Closure. You said what you said; he said what he said... so, let it be finished. It is my opinion that he cannot deal with you, because you conjure up guilty feelings in him. He KNOWS for a fact that what he did to you and with you is so very sub par. He knows FOR A FACT that he would never have let it get this far if the shoe had been on the other foot... and if he had... he would NEVER forgive you if you had done to him what he has done to you.

Imagine yourself cutting those ties. And then bury the frayed ends in cement.
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Old 19th December 2017, 12:45 PM   #18
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(((lookingforclosure)))

This thread is heartbreaking to read. You have cleary suffered so much over the past years due to MM...and of course, partly down to yourself (but mainly him).

The recent updates, after all the waiting and all you've been through, potentially have the power to crush you completely. But I encourage you to turn this on its head - he has shown his true colours. Even when he decides to end his marriage, he still does not choose you and his words smack of narcissism and selfishness. You have dodged a bullet. You are so much better off without him.

Use this to see him for what he is and put him behind you. Then head into 2018 with a world of possibilities ahead of you. Obviously, you have a lot of recovery to face first, but you will get through it. You really will. Many here have walked, or are walking, that path.

Don't give him any more power. Never give him the time of day again and show him that you are not waiting on his every word as he so clearly thinks. He's blown it and lost you now - 100% immediate NC will give you the power and dent his ego as he clearly expects you to come running after him again.

Good luck. We are here for you. x
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Old 19th December 2017, 1:29 PM   #19
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He will never admit to what he did was wrong. As a matter of fact he is throwing this around and turning it against you, like youíre the problem. Thatís deflecting and heís good at it. He would have never told you had he not have found out that you know about the new girl.

I like how he leaves out the part that he kept coming back into your life every few months to keep you wishing and hoping....

It doesnít matter now. Know that no amount of reasoning or arguing will help you win or help him see what he did was wrong.

Best advice is to let go of hope and move on. Win the mental battle and find somebody else. This guy, even if he ends up with you somehow. Few months down the road he will surely leave you and cause you more heartache.

Delete the email, block everything, donít respond, read and watch videos, post on here, get healthy and get better.
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Old 19th December 2017, 2:26 PM   #20
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He decided to make it work with his wife and kids so he dumped you originally.
Then when things were not going exactly well with his wife he decided to keep you around as plan B, so he kept tabs on you every 2 months or so, I guess you had sex then too. He needed the crutch, the ego boost, nothing better for the ego than being in the presence of a besotted other.

Finally he plucks up the courage to divorce, but no doubt with his new found bravery, he decides he can do without you.
He is a free man, he doesn't need some woman who was happy sneaking around behind his wife's back, he wants a proper gf, he can do better.
Someone he can show off, someone who has a clean slate, someone he can be honest about.
No guilt, no hiding, he's just moving cleanly on.

What were you really thinking here?
What were you going to do had his reconciliation worked?
YOU took a massive gamble and you lost.
YOU wasted years of your life
NEVER accept such teeny tiny crumbs from a man ever again.
Men who want you, want YOU, no excuses, no waiting around, they want no-one else.
JUST YOU.
Accept no less.
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Old 19th December 2017, 2:32 PM   #21
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Quote:
Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He decided to make it work with his wife and kids so he dumped you originally.
Then when things were not going exactly well with his wife he decided to keep you around as plan B, so he kept tabs on you every 2 months or so, I guess you had sex then too.
@elaine567
the last year and a half there were no meetings, no sex..
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Old 19th December 2017, 2:39 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by lookingforclosure View Post
@elaine567
the last year and a half there were no meetings, no sex..
So why were you still waiting for him?
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Old 19th December 2017, 2:59 PM   #23
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So why were you still waiting for him?
I believed he still cared about me...and truly meant the words he said
He was someone I trusted since we were friends for years prior...
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Old 19th December 2017, 3:18 PM   #24
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I'm sorry for your pain.
I find his text pathetic and immature, but what I think is he is scared. He is scared you're going to ruin it for him with his new girlfriend, hence all his parayers of you finding a wonderful man.
I am guessing, she knows nothing of his infidelity and has bought the story he sold her about the divorce being his wife's fault.
I think he doesn't want you because he has no plans to be faithful, ever.
You know he cheated and you know how he cheated, so he will be easily caught. His new gf probably doesn't so he will face no trust issues with her.
You can't change the past. Learn all you can from this situation and move forward.
His text is low and mean, but at least I hope it shocked you out of any lasting hope you held out for this loser.
There is a better life out there for you.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:14 PM   #25
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I am guessing, she knows nothing of his infidelity and has bought the story he sold her about the divorce being his wife's fault.
.
Not sure what exactly...but I do know the wife contacted the new woman, doesn't sound to me the wife knew that the reconciliation process wasn't working for him.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:37 PM   #26
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He decided to text me even though I told him there was no need to contact me at all period

This is what I received

Well, hello to you too. Iíve made some conscious decisions to change some things in my life lately and meeting someone else was not even in the cards. You know full well how people just pop into your life sometimes with no effort other than chance. When A asked me how my week was going, as she often does, I told her some things in confidence and now know that was betrayed, though donít know why she felt the need to run and immediately tell you anything. Hereís the thing. We once had something that was special and could have been long-lasting. I still care how your life turns out and that you ultimately find contentment, joy, and the long-lasting love you deserve. Whether thatís with a man or no one but yourself, up to you. The timing for us was bad (obviously) and you held out hope, knowing full well, for several years now that I believed the right thing to do was to repair my marriage and restore my family. Iíve tried and is the reason I couldnít rightfully have any relationship with you or any effort I was making along the way with my marriage would have never worked with you in the picture. You knew that and took that risk in stride. I never would have waited this long thinking my marriage was salvageable if I had a crystal ball. Iíve put my life on hold in a number of areas and am DONE doing that. 2018 is going to be a much different year for me. I hope it is for you too. You may never forgive me....but honestly, what if you never heard anything from me for another 6 months, a year, two years? Were you really going to keep holding out for me for much longer had you not heard a peep from others about my life or if I had gotten back with K? Thereís no reason you couldnít have at least dated someone here or there to see if there was someone else right out there for you. I feel guilty, yet you have always been fully in control of your life and feelings. I feel sure youíve had that opportunity on more than one occasion the last 3 years and it was always your choice to pursue that or not. YOU have chosen to not accept the invitations to date other guys, if that is in fact the case which Iím almost certain has happened. Thereís no way I have had any kind of hold on you preventing you to at least explore other options. I will never take for granted what we had. It was special despite the bad timing as I said previously, however I donít see how we could ever get back what weíve lost. Donít hate me for that. I havenít worked out details of how Iím going to resolve my old life at this time and while I will be navigating things carefully, certainly donít want you to get your hopes up that we can ever be a thing. Iíve prayed for you to find someone and that you would forget about me. You are an independent girl and have long since been on your feet after the Eric disaster. Please....never be beholden to me or another man for your contentment and joy. We constantly disappoint.
What a complete A-hole.
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Old 19th December 2017, 4:52 PM   #27
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@Taxed that pretty much sums it up.
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Old 20th December 2017, 5:39 PM   #28
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Having a down day..I feel like an idiot to have waited on such an jerk for 3 years...3 years I could've moved on, but no he kept checking in. His last message has almost made me feel as if i'm the crazy one, like I made it all up in my head. I'm slowly deleting all the messages he sent over the years, and they are my proof that I didn't fabricate any of this...but it doesn't make it any easier. I want to kick my own self in the rear..i'm back at 3 years ago and it feels so crappy

Sorry in advance but I will probably post a lot and you will get tired of me
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Old 20th December 2017, 10:00 PM   #29
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I have to be honest here...every word he said is true.

You put your life on hold.
You allowed him to keep popping in and out of your life.

You are a grown woman in control of your life.

He really is saying it like it is, even though it probably hurts to read.

You wasted years in hope that his marriage would fail.... because that's the only way he could legitimately be your man.

I think his message should be pinned up top for all single OW to read. It's really spot on.
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'Love is giving someone the power to destroy you, but trusting them not to'
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Old 20th December 2017, 11:00 PM   #30
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@ Looking for Closure, my heart hurts for you. I hope for this upcoming year you can find strength and move on for yourself. We wait so long for them because we do love them. I heard the same words ... the I love you, I want you to be part of m put life....

What we need to listen to is their other words and watch their actions. I waited more than 3 years. One day as we were talking on the phone and he said something that made me ask "So, you would be just fine without me in your life and you would go on happily?" He replied, "No, but like a shelf of encyclopedias, you would become like one, part of my history and at times I would remember fondly. Men think differently, I guess." I cannot describe how I felt hanging up that phone.

Please don't wait or hold out for him. Time marches on, and fast. He will toy with you, but likely never come to you for a real relationship. Don't be me. Walk way with dignity and on your terms. Sending you hugs.

PS Someone on here posted a pod cast link entitled "Let it go" in the thread on this page entitled "Addicted to Love, Part 2 Recovery." It is pure gold. Listen to it.
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