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girl I'm in love with is most likely pregnant with her fiance's baby


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About 5 months ago I met this girl at my work. She is 19 and engaged to her boyfriend she has had since she was 16. She had a somewhat bad family life and moved out with him when she was 17. I'm 25. We started off as friends and it grew and grew and eventually we kissed one day. Over time we fell in love and we are positive we are perfect for each other. I know she's a lot younger but she seems to be on the same wavelength as me more than anyone I've ever met. I know it was wrong to get involved because she was engaged. We really just couldn't help it. Anyways she broke up with the guy, but they are still living in the same apartment. Its been 3 weeks or so. I'm not so sure she's made it completly clear to him that its over. I"m pretty sure he thinks everything will be ok. She tells me she's going to be with me. She's always talking to me or coming to see me and she's never with him.

Here's where it turns really bad. She missed a birth control pill right before me and her started being more than friends. One day she comes to work and tells me she knows she's pregnant. Her period was very brief only 2 days. She pretty much as all the symptoms of being pregnant (headaches, frequent urination, cramps). That day she told me that she would have to get back with him if she was pregnant. Since then she has acted just like normal kissing me and telling me she will be with me. The baby is not mine it would be his we haven't had sex. It seems she's in denial. If she is pregnant and goes back to him her life is ruined. She's supposed to be with me. I dont know whats going to happen. The only way out would be an abortion and I'm pretty sure thats not an option with her. What do I do? Do I just spend our last week together and be happy while I have her until she has the pregnancy test? This is so hard. I'm pretty much positive this wont end well. I Love her so much. If she is pregnant though I would have to cut ties because its clear we can not just be friends. We've said several times we were stopping and we didn't. Could god give me a miracle and have her not be pregant? She is I know she is. This sux. :(

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What is keeping her from going to the store and buying a pregnancy test?

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when you are pregnant your homones are going beserk and your emotions are all over the place, it can be a very confusing time and if you are not in a stable situation it can be a bit of a nightmare really.

definetly do not try to pressure her in any way. the most important thing at this moment is that she has support. i understand that you want to be with her, but this is very important.

she is still extremely young, whether you are on the same wavelength or not, she is young to be pregnant and confused. she may well be in denial, it is a scary thing to face. to you this pregnancy may just be an obstacle to your love, but to her it is a lifelong commitment, not to any man, but to her child.

therefore i suggest you put your feelings aside for a while and encourage her to get a test so that she can face up to what is actually happening. then if the outcome is that she is pregnant you will have to stand back and allow her to make her decision, no pressure.

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WithOrWithoutYou
Originally posted by seagirl

What is keeping her from going to the store and buying a pregnancy test?

 

Exactly what I was thinking. They don't have drug stores where she lives? Why the uncertainty about whether she is pregrant?

 

Even if she is pregnant, that does not necessarily have to mean she has to be with the other guy. That is up to her, and if she truly loves you, she will be with you anyway - if you love her enough to accept her including the situation she has gotten herself into. If you do, you need to let her know that, but be sure you mean it before you say it.

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She came over today. It was supposed to be our special saturday a whole day together. She came early and woke me up. I knew something was different when I saw her. She didn't kiss me. I just ignored it. We had planned to go to the pool and we did. Then we rented a movie and watched it. Then she wanted to watch another movie so we did. Then she wanted to watch another movie and I knew now she was avoiding talking to me.

She told me she took the test this morning. Thats all she said I didn't need to hear anymore I could see it in her eyes. So now after professing her love to me and having already decided she was going to be with me she is going back to him. I mean yeah I wanted her to get an abortion and be with me but I guess I'm just being selfish. She said she's going to tell him about us. I"m sure that will go over well. NOw I just look like a piece of crap. I know it was wrong to get involved and I"m going to have to face the fact that I deserve this. I'm pretty sure that will be the last time I ever talk to her. Its proven that me and her cannot be just friends. I can't be her friend and I can't know her anymore. Just thinking of her being pregnant with that guy makes me want to puke. She even told me the last time she had sex with him she was imagining it was me and I'm pretty sure thats when the baby was conceived. Sick. I know it looks like I'm a terrible person for allowing her to cheat on her fiance. The truth is I"m a good person and she is too. I"m sure everyone is looking at her like she seduced me and is a slut but thats not the case. We really were supposed to be together. She knows it and I know it. She blew it. She simply could have taken that ONE pill and she would be with me. Now we will always wonder what would/should have been. She will not make it with her fiance. She threw away a wonderful life. Well I guess I will go wollow in my sorrow now and pray to God for forgiveness.

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By getting into this sort of relationship you have to be aware that most likely it will not end well. You take your chances.

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Originally posted by Mr Spock

She'll end up on Maury Povich soon enough, consider yourself lucky.

 

 

That is too funny! I was thinking the same thing!

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The pain and guilt really hit me when I woke up this morning. I gathered up all our letters and notes and read them and cried. I hate this feeling. I know it seems like she's one of those trashy people that would end up on Maury Povich, but thats not how she is at all. She is a beautiful amazing person who made a mistake. I know one thing I will never trust the pill from this point on. I know it works if you take it properly, but it seems that so many girls just dont. Like I said she missed a pill and threw it away and took the next one. Why????????????? How could she not know that you simply double up the pills. I even knew that and I'm a man. It just kills me. One pill decided her life. She is stuck in a loveless relationship. Sure she will try and go back to him and make it work, but its doomed. NOw I have to start all over again. I thought when I was 25 I would have it all figured out. I thought I would be married. I'm not even in the realm. I was once such a positive person and now I'm questioning my faith and everything. This is the 3rd crushing thing thats happened in the last year. I shouldn't have let it happen. I feel so guilty. I know it was wrong to get involved. Anyways I cried this morning and got it all out. I think I will go run or something. I've been through breakups enough times to know that time will heal it, but damn it hurts. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and sometimes like I can't breathe. Anyways I'll talk to you guys later.

 

Fearfacmh

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whichwayisup
She is stuck in a loveless relationship. Sure she will try and go back to him and make it work, but its doomed. NOw I have to start all over again. I thought when I was 25 I would have it all figured out. I thought I would be married. I'm not even in the realm. I was once such a positive person and now I'm questioning my faith and everything. This is the 3rd crushing thing thats happened in the last year. I shouldn't have let it happen. I feel so guilty. I know it was wrong to get involved. Anyways I cried this morning and got it all out. I think I will go run or something. I've been through breakups enough times to know that time will heal it, but damn it hurts. I feel like there is nothing to look forward to and sometimes like I can't breathe. Anyways I'll talk to you guys later.

Now you need to concentrate on yourself. She isn't your responsibility, not that she was before as she was engaged to somebody else. The life she has chosen doesn't include you and sadly for you, that hurts like hell. I really suggest that you do no contact with her - End it completely. She made her choice and now she has to live it, stick to it - BECAUSE of that child. Obviously they had something serious if she was going to marry him. You don't want to be anybody's second choice, that's not right or fair to you.

 

Start posting in the COPING section on LS, read No Foolin's thread, the long guided walk to No contact. (I will find the link and post it in here for you...) Also, read ConfusedINOC's posts and others on how they deal with the loss of relationships.

 

Stop the guilt and the blame, that is not going to help you through this now. Cry it out, don't hold it in. Your heart is hurting bad and the really the only way to cope through this is not to talk to her. She can't and shouldn't try to continue with you - Any sort of contact or friendship is going to damage to YOU. So try to be strong, stick to your guns and let her go...

 

Hugs to you.

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I can't find the no contact post. I'm still pondering whether I can sorta be her friend or if I should just cut ties. I've talked to her at work since I found out and we can still laugh and talk, but there are things I want to say to her that she probobly doesn't want to hear. She still calls me at work and she really just can't keep away from me. I went offsite on friday and she called me twice. I really think she has to leave the job because her being pregnant would start so much gossip you wouldn't believe. God she's only 19. She's made such a big mistake. I understand why she feels she needs to go back to her fiance, but deep inside I know thats not what she really wants. She just feels there's no other way. If she would just abort the baby and be with me her life would be so much better. I read about it. You just take some pills and basically the tissue comes out like a period. Obviously I'm a man so I dont know what the motherly feeling of knowing you are pregnant is like and I would never say anything about it to her. Now she wont finish school. She wont get to be a normal 19 year old and really she isn't. Her decision to move out at 17 with that guy has decided her whole life. He's the only guy she's ever been with and she is stuck. As for me I seem to be doing ok. I really was only seeing her for a month, but our relationship built over time and I did love her. I spend more time worrying about her than me. Its just so sad and wrong. I guess it just wasn't meant to be and one day I will look back and be glad I didn't end up with her. Right now though I sure as hell dont feel that way. I'm crushed.

 

Fred

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ishouldgiveup

First off, I don't believe she was really stupid enough to have realized she'd missed a birth control pill...."threw out" the one she missed and then took another. How much sense does that even make? It makes no sense. If she's been with her fiance for as long as she has, she likely has been on the Pill for all that time, too....and unless she's incredibly stunned, she'd know that when you're late taking a pill/miss it, you just take it when you remember and then take the same one for that day when it's time to take it. If she was so unhappy in that relationship, why was she still sleeping with him to begin with? Why was she taking such chances by not being responsible about the Pill - when being irresponsible could wind up with her being pregnant and connected to him? - which turned out to be the case?

 

I think she's a player and she's played you. She "claims" she'd broken up with him but that she was still living in the same apartment. Puhlease. She was obviously still having sex with him - why? because even though she told you otherwise, she was still involved with him. You said yourself that you didn't feel she was upfront with him about not wanting to be with him any longer.

 

You think it would just solve all the problems if she was to merely take some pills and abort her baby..that it's no big deal, just passing some tissue into the toilet. It's a human life that she and her fiance created, not just something to be flushed down a toilet for convenience, all because someone was careless.

 

She had no business in the world being with you as she was (even if you weren't sleeping together) - if she didn't want to be with her fiance and she wanted to be with you, she should have moved out and been honest with everyone involved.

 

There's no point continuing to be friends with her, it will only continue to mess with your head. She is very young, obviously not very honest and not very responsible about preventing an unwanted pregnancy (or gee, maybe it was wanted???...) and she's engaged to someone else. Move on to someone who's not dragging the baggage of a fiance. Find someone who's single and mature and doesn't come with a bunch of drama. You'll be better off in the longrun. Trust me.

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whichwayisup

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t56954/15-1?highlight=

 

I bumped it up to the first page too, in the coping section!

 

How far along is she? It's not so simple just to take pills and poof! The baby is gone. She has to be in hospital or a clinic for an abortion and then they do a DnC afterwards. And not to mention the guilt she could feel by aborting her baby. If she decides that she wants you and wants to keep going with the pregnancy that is her right. Life isn't easy, some people are dealt cards which really test them. Good and bad. Sadly for you, this situation isn't good or healthy.

 

Read that thread and don't feel ashamed if you need one on one councilling to cope with your feelings.

 

Good luck and keep posting.

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Holy &*%%. She went to the doctor and she is no longer pregnant. She took a home test week ago and it was positive. Apparently the stress and not eating caused a miscarriage. She was only a few weeks pregnant. This is crazy. She tried to tell me this didn't change anything. Why can't I just walk away? Should I? I just know she will be happier with me and about a week ago she was certain of it. The only thing that made her go back was the baby. I can not believe this happened. I'm totally floored. During the past week even when he clearly knew she had to let go of me and shouldn't talk to me she did. This seems like its some wierd soap opera. Her emotions have to just be crazy. She feels like she lost a child. She had started repairing things with him because she had to for the baby's sake. Seriously what the heck is gods purpose behind all this? I couldn't help it I told her she can be with me now and to take some time to think. She initially said no, but I got real emotional and kept reminding her of what her heart tells her and not just what seems familiar. She's been with him since she was 16. Gold please make the right thing happen for us thats all I ask.

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I am not trying to be rude but did you ever SEE the pregnancy test? Are you sure she didn't fake this whole thing just for some drama?

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it could all just be lies and excuses to be able to keep up the dble life.

or it could all be genuine, it is possible to get pregnant on the pill, whether you miss one or not.

the thing is, that whilst you continue seeing her when she is still with the other guy, you are never going to know. a huge lack of trust is going to build up to the point that you become both drained but addicted to her, wondering if she is telling the truth or not.

the thing to do is tell her you cannot carry on, dont give her an ultimatum, thats too much pressure, just tell her you cannot do this anymore, dont mention him, there is no need. no need to talk about it either, she'll figure it out and she will make a decision.

think about it, either she was still sleeping with him and didnt seem to bothered about getting pregnant. OR- she invented the whole thing as an excuse to be able to stay with him, then realised she wanted the double life, which she STILL wants, (saying oh i got close to him again cos i thought i had to, sounds like a very big excuse.)

those are your two scenarios, and i hate to be blunt but it doesnt look too hopeful but the only way you will know is by just not carrying on, then giving her time to make her choice. she is still to young to be settling down at all imo, but it happens i guess.

there are loads of women and a few other men here who have fallen into the same mess

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Run as fast as you can. Being in a very similiar situation to your own, and having posted about it a couple of weeks ago, I know where you are coming from. The first several weeks were hard, and at times I miss her alot, but now I realize that why would I want to be with someone that plays games. She is doing the same thing to you, be with someone that wants to be soley with you. Realize that if you do end up with her, the first sign of trouble she will be running back to him. Just cut all ties with her, if it is meant to be, it will happen, but she needs to finish her relationship with him completely.

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