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My EA has transitioned to PA plus I've asked for divorce


The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 1st December 2017, 7:17 AM   #346
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I'll try one more time,just because in spite of your words, op, I really do feel you can and do empathize with his wife, but you are pushing that way down because, in your heart, you really don't want to hurt anyone.

I can only speak for myself, but one of the most troubling aspects of all of this is how you are completely willing to help destroy the lives of a woman and some kids who have done absolutely nothing to you, just so you can live out some fantasy?

Is that really who you are? Are you really that cruel? I don't really believe you are. I think that, deep down you have been hurt in your life and you are trying to protect yourself. You also grew up in an environment where affairs were the norm, but what you may not have ever seen is how painful it can be, especially for someone for whom affairs are not the norm at all.

Whether or not his guy you are crushing on would have cheated with someone else isn't relevant, as he didn't try to cheat with someone else. He chose you, and you fell right into step.

btw, the fact that his first move after he decided he wants a divorce is to tell his mom just shows that those apron strings are as tight as ever. He's like a little boy. and if you think his obsessiveness is flattering, just wait until you really get down that path. Obsession can very easily turn into abuse. You may well find yourself in a place that's far worse than where you are now.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 1:19 AM   #347
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Nite

With your recent post about females in your family being the OW...will you be happy for your daughter to be an OW?

I think this should be a reminder to mums and dads who cheat...that it can normalise it for your children.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:13 AM   #348
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Niteandfog,

I'm sorry, but I'm confused as to where this stands now. Are you both separated? Are you both still living at home? You have posts about him being in your kitchen and you being at his house, so I wasn't sure if your spouses were still at home? Have you and your husband told your daughter? Is she doing okay?

If you are both still at home with your spouses, do they really truly know that you are separating? Will you be moving out? Is he moving out as well? Did you find apartments? Or will you be living together? Do each of your extended families know? (You said he was telling his own mother yesterday.)

And, I'm sorry that this seems like an overly rude question, but how do you manage being in each others' homes during the workday? I get that both of your spouses probably work, but don't both of you? Believe me, I get job flexibility where you can come and go quite a bit, but what you're posting of seems a bit over the top and that it would get noticed? Also, these date nights out - three times a week after running club. Are your soon-to-be ex-spouses taking care of the kids? If so, what would both of your feelings be about allowing your ex-spouses to be primary custodians? It would give you the freedom to explore your new relationship (which is a win for you) and the children the stability of home and a primary caregiver focused on them.

If this came across as judgmental, I'm sorry. I'm actually curious as to how all of this is working and the quasi-secretive nature of the relationship.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 9:47 AM   #349
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Originally Posted by sandylee1 View Post
Nite

With your recent post about females in your family being the OW...will you be happy for your daughter to be an OW?

I think this should be a reminder to mums and dads who cheat...that it can normalise it for your children.
The recent post about all of the infidelity in her family made it all make sense to me.....her attitude/affect about it all, I mean. It's sad, though, that she doesn't have the desire to break the cycle.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 2:58 PM   #350
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Niteandfog,

I'm sorry, but I'm confused as to where this stands now. Are you both separated? Are you both still living at home? You have posts about him being in your kitchen and you being at his house, so I wasn't sure if your spouses were still at home? Have you and your husband told your daughter? Is she doing okay?

If you are both still at home with your spouses, do they really truly know that you are separating? Will you be moving out? Is he moving out as well? Did you find apartments? Or will you be living together? Do each of your extended families know? (You said he was telling his own mother yesterday.)

And, I'm sorry that this seems like an overly rude question, but how do you manage being in each others' homes during the workday? I get that both of your spouses probably work, but don't both of you? Believe me, I get job flexibility where you can come and go quite a bit, but what you're posting of seems a bit over the top and that it would get noticed? Also, these date nights out - three times a week after running club. Are your soon-to-be ex-spouses taking care of the kids? If so, what would both of your feelings be about allowing your ex-spouses to be primary custodians? It would give you the freedom to explore your new relationship (which is a win for you) and the children the stability of home and a primary caregiver focused on them.

If this came across as judgmental, I'm sorry. I'm actually curious as to how all of this is working and the quasi-secretive nature of the relationship.

Every time I've been at his place or the times he's been at mine, neither of our spouses have been there. I fully work from home, so that's how I've been able to spend full.mornings with him at his place. The first time he was waiting for s delivery and the second one he was sick.


My daughter doesn't know yet, she'll know once I love out. I've found a house I really love but the mortgage process looks like it's going to be lengthy but I do want to leave ASAP so maybe I'll have to compromise somehow.

Yes, when we go on our "running dates" our ex / spouses look after our children, but for the most part we do run...the kissing is probably no more than 10-15 mins out of 2 hrs.

My family knows I'm getting divorced. Only my sister knows about the A. On his side , in theory his mom should know by now,but I don't ask.. so it's whatever he tells me.

The custody thing we've thought that we should try to arrange so we have the kids on the same days, so we each of us focuses on their respective children those days, and we explore our relationship on the free days.

I've filed for divorce. In theory he breaks up with his wife tonight, but only time will tell.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 3:02 PM   #351
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Train Wreck

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Originally Posted by niteandfog View Post
I'm actually not.... I know things won't always be this way. But I'm enjoying while it lasts. My Stbxh doesnt need to know anything... He's so insecure it will definitely break him. He's already started saying once I'm out of the house I'll start dating a runner :/
This is the first time I've read a story whereby two trains are on the same track and the engineer (niteandfog) of one train and train traffic controllers (posters) can foresee a deadly head on collision coming. But, despite the forewarning of destruction impacting the lives of many, the engineer (niteandfog) refuses to use instruments to alter the course of the train and avoid destroyinga train full of innocent passengers (AP, AP's wife, kids and extended family).

The engineer who admits to having little experience, nonetheless ignores the advice given to her by main terminal officials (posters) and makes a singular decision to continue onward because the speed and power of the train feels so good she selfishly decides to stay the course. Same speed, same track.

For me, although the train is approaching speeds similar to the high speed trains in Japan and China, it's like they're going in slow motion and there's not a damn thing I can do about the destruction and collateral damage that is about to happen. Cars will be mangled, emotional remains will be scattered, and hearts will be broken of people you will never meet.

Niteandfog. I get it that you are lonely, hungry for a relationship, and feel uniquely compatible with a married man. Replace yourself and your inexperience with dignity and love for others and you may be able to walk away from this certain trainwreck. If you care for him, do for him what he can't do for himself and get on a dating site and replace him, so that he doesn't have to endure discovery day for his wife, kids and extended family. So that he and his wife and children don't have to spend time and money going through IC and MC, or worse separation and divorce. You have the power to make it stop. Please. Please do so, before many people get hurt.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 3:14 PM   #352
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This is the first time I've read a story whereby two trains are on the same track and the engineer (niteandfog) of one train and train traffic controllers (posters) can foresee a deadly head on collision coming. But, despite the forewarning of destruction impacting the lives of many, the engineer (niteandfog) refuses to use instruments to alter the course of the train and avoid destroyinga train full of innocent passengers (AP, AP's wife, kids and extended family).

The engineer who admits to having little experience, nonetheless ignores the advice given to her by main terminal officials (posters) and makes a singular decision to continue onward because the speed and power of the train feels so good she selfishly decides to stay the course. Same speed, same track.

For me, although the train is approaching speeds similar to the high speed trains in Japan and China, it's like they're going in slow motion and there's not a damn thing I can do about the destruction and collateral damage that is about to happen. Cars will be mangled, emotional remains will be scattered, and hearts will be broken of people you will never meet.

Niteandfog. I get it that you are lonely, hungry for a relationship, and feel uniquely compatible with a married man. Replace yourself and your inexperience with dignity and love for others and you may be able to walk away from this certain trainwreck. If you care for him, do for him what he can't do for himself and get on a dating site and replace him, so that he doesn't have to endure discovery day for his wife, kids and extended family. So that he and his wife and children don't have to spend time and money going through IC and MC, or worse separation and divorce. You have the power to make it stop. Please. Please do so, before many people get hurt.
Good advice, but with all due respect... I think OP is committed to stay the course. The only thing left to do now is to wait for the crash and see how she is able to pick up the pieces.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 3:34 PM   #353
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I don't mean to sound vindictive, but didn't we BOTH get into this mess? He's the one who looked for me and chased me. Not the other way around.

I'm actually not that lonely... I'm not the type that's always longing to be with someone. I actually like being on my own. I'm looking forward to spending evenings just by myself with my dog , that I never had the chance before.

So if things don't work out with this dude, if he doesn't leave her by the time I move out, he's out of the picture. I do care for him, and he does care for me I don't think our feelings are fake in that way.

If it turns out everything was a lie to get me to bed, well then and only then I might tell his wife. If he simply never has the courage to leave her even though "he's waited for me his whole life and would do anything in his power to make the rest of my life the happiest I could ever have" . Then no hard feelings, we'll just go separate ways.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 3:44 PM   #354
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Don't hide

...... behind the fact that he approached you. That's weak and it's called deflection. Integrity means doing the right thing regardless of extenuating circumstances. If you were married to him or someone you love and you caught your husband or he confessed to an affair, would it be acceptable to you if he said, "well she approached me first". Children say that when they're in a squabble. He hit me first, so I hit him back.

Don't hide behind this disgraceful pattern of deceit, justifications and rationalization. Too much blame shifting and not enough blame ownership. To say it's is his fault as much as anyone's is meaningless. That fact has NOTHING to do with you having the ability to stop what's wrong. You will have a more meaningful impact on his life if you force him to stand up for his family. He'll never forget it.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:19 PM   #355
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So if things don't work out with this dude, if he doesn't leave her by the time I move out, he's out of the picture. I do care for him, and he does care for me I don't think our feelings are fake in that way.

If it turns out everything was a lie to get me to bed, well then and only then I might tell his wife. If he simply never has the courage to leave her, then no hard feelings, we'll just go separate ways.
That sounds like it was worth breaking up his family, dividing his assets, and losing full custody of his children... Not.

I'm sure that you are just trying to protect your feelings, and I am glad to hear that you're not so love struck that you are willing to waste years of your life fauning over an unavailable man... But, it's just so weird to hear you say "if it doesn't work out with this dude, then no worries. I'll just spend some time with my dog until the next man comes along..."

For you, this was a classic exit affair. Your marriage was all but over and you probably would have divorced at some point anyway. You have entered into this relationship with not very much to lose. He however, stands to lose a lot. We'll see how committed he is and how much he is willing to gamble. Only time will tell.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:28 PM   #356
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That sounds like it was worth breaking up his family, dividing his assets, and losing full custody of his children... Not.

I'm sure that you are just trying to protect your feelings, and I am glad to hear that you're not so love struck that you are willing to waste years of your life fauning over an unavailable man... But, it's just so weird to hear you say "if it doesn't work out with this dude, then no worries. I'll just spend some time with my dog until the next man comes along..."

For you, this was a classic exit affair. Your marriage was all but over and you probably would have divorced at some point anyway. You have entered into this relationship with not very much to lose. He however, stands to lose a lot. We'll see how committed he is and how much he is willing to gamble. Only time will tell.
I think he's mostly worried about losing his kids. According to him his marriage was over even before he got married (they lived together and had children many years before getting married).

He told me today "it's time to move on with my life" . We'll see.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:40 PM   #357
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I think he's mostly worried about losing his kids. According to him his marriage was over even before he got married (they lived together and had children many years before getting married).

He told me today "it's time to move on with my life" . We'll see.
I hope things work out in a way that everyone in this situation is able to find happiness and peace. I still believe your focus should remain on you and your daughter. Good luck, OP and please keep us posted.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:55 PM   #358
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I hope things work out in a way that everyone in this situation is able to find happiness and peace. I still believe your focus should remain on you and your daughter. Good luck, OP and please keep us posted.
I know ive portrait him like this careless man, but in reality I think he actually has some clarity in his head.

He's said things like "we all deserve to be happy, that's why we have to do things as best as we can even though we're doing this behind everybody's backs".
On Thursday he told me (almost verbatim) "we have to do things right, for you, for me, for everyone involved".

And I'm truly committed to make this work, but I can only commit if both of us are free.

I have no idea of what were his original intentions , I know what mine were (yes typical exit affair)... But what took us completely by surprise is that as he put it once "I never expected that you would be YOU".
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Old 3rd December 2017, 12:18 AM   #359
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I'm looking forward to spending evenings just by myself with my dog , that I never had the chance before..
No mention of time with your child?
Sad
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Old 3rd December 2017, 1:30 AM   #360
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No mention of time with your child?
Sad
Just because I don't mention her doesn't mean I don't care about her. I'm already the main parent, so how is that going to change? Not much. But I do look forward to yea finally be able to have a piano and share my love for music with her. Or to finally get a dog and we can both go on walks with it... She can finally have a Bat Mitzvah if she wants one! My mom will be able to spend more time with her, in fact the same applies for my family in general. All of those things were impossible while married. She's going to see a happy mummy and for her that's going to be priceless
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