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The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 9th December 2017, 10:30 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by minimariah View Post
true BUT - one important detail - when there isn’t any physical attraction between them. where there is sexual attraction + interesting personality... that cannot be ONLY friendship. you mention all those other people, they most likely aren’t attracted to him. that is why they are able to mantain friendship with him.

that being said, i don’t think you could be just friends with him - there would always be this attraction between the two of you. i think that’s just you wanting to keep him in your life, in ANY FORM so you wish you’d have him as a friend... at least. but i don’t think you could ever mantain just friendship with this man, especially because there is obviously tons of chemistry between the two of you - from the beginning. there was attraction, no way would you ever be able to stop at just friendship. the A most likely couldn’t be stopped.
And back to this one more time - yeah this one I don't think I ever could have stayed friends with. This is the closest thing to love at first sight I've ever had. In fact - when I came back to work in his department I thought "oh I'll see him again!" and shooed that nonsense because I hadn't seen or talked to him in years (and even prior had conversations with him just a handful of times).

So yeah, not a snowball's chance in hell for he and I to be friends. But, I could have listened when my gut said, "run. this one can hurt you."

Valid thought here - instead of denying you're attracted to someone just because you're in a relationship, listen to that and decide what you're going to do to guard yourself and protect your relationship.
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Old 1st January 2018, 4:26 PM   #32
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Update and Happy New Year

Hi all,

I just typed a long update, but somehow I lost it so I will try to recreate it.

Anyway, for those of you who might remember me, I am a MW who got involved with a MM after a work event. I was drinking, not thinking too clearly and wound up sleeping with him. I thought that was it, but he started texting me, “love bombing” me, etc. Over the course of two years we broke up and got back “together” three times. This last time over the summer he texted me from vacation to break up with me, saying he had to focus on work and home life but he was up for having coffee next time he was in my city. We did wind up having coffee, just coffee. I wanted to tell him so many things, but never did. We were sporadically in touch over the past several months. He would say some weird things trying to pull me back in, and I admit, it did have that effect.

The last time I text him was in early December. Said I had some things to talk to him about. I didn’t really pour out my heart, but I did tell him some things that were important to me and that I thought affected our relationship. I got no response. At first I was sad, then angry. But then something interesting happened. I felt like if he doesn’t care enough to respond to some deep feelings, then he really doesn’t care about me at all. Why am I doing this dance of walking on egg shells if he just doesn’t care. I have always thought he had narcissistic tendencies. But this kind of sealed the deal for me. Now I know he just used me for “fuel” as HG Tudor says on his blog “Knowing the Narcissist.” (www.narcsite.com).

It will be one month of NC on Jan. 4. I had texted him a work question about a job and his response was so short it kind of snapped me out of this fog of putting him on a pedestal. I was tempted to text him during the holidays, but then I thought “What if he’s blocked me?” or “What if I don’t get the response I want?.” I really had to force myself to ask “Will I feel better or worse if I text him?” I can’t think of one time where I thought I’d feel better. I know it’s been said hundreds of times, but NC really is the best way.

Happy New Year to all. Thank you for the support. I am feeling great right now, but, I realize I am a bit of an addict (drama addict maybe). I can’t say I’ll stay on the wagon, but I am going to try!
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Old 1st January 2018, 6:27 PM   #33
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Hey Scout, good job! You and I also have a similar story with the work event and big fat mistake... heck without further details your MM could be mine (would not shock me ). Similar thing - I think he likes the idea of keeping me interested and available next time he's in town.

I think in my case he's also a narcissist, though a covert one as he's said things about not even liking himself, but clearly chases supply from wherever he can get it.

Cheers to a fresh start in 2018! Because I am also an addict, I'm going to focus very hard on getting back into my other addictions - running, reading, writing, home renovations... just have to get that switch flipped back the other direction when it comes to him. I'm glad you're feeling good. I like the days when I go almost the entirety without even thinking about him.
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Old 1st January 2018, 9:55 PM   #34
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Yes, here's to healthy addictions!!! I sent you a message bournewicked.
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Old 1st January 2018, 10:28 PM   #35
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I tried to respond but don't know if it went... anyway it's nice to hear from others in a similar situation.

I've got a busy week ahead, started a workout regimen with my workout buddy and have a couple activities during the week.

However, tomorrow is back to work and back to contact. Not looking forward to it... if I cannot resolve my internal struggle, I do think the ultimate solution is for me to look for work at a different company.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 2:45 AM   #36
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Quote:
of putting him on a pedestal.
Don't put any man on a pedestal!

Good that you see reality and the fog has lifted. Make 2018 the year of healing and putting yourself first, making healthy choices that lead to better things in your life.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 12:17 PM   #37
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Hi BourneWicked,

I didn’t get your message, thanks for trying! I’m glad you have a busy week coming up. I find that keeping busy definitely helps.

I don’t know how I’d feel if I worked with Ex-mm. Our relationship was long distance and I never really saw him outside of our bubble. Maybe it wasn’t a relationship at all.

Yes, it definitely helps to talk to others. I’m here if you need me!
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