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How to get married woman out of my head?


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Old 14th November 2017, 7:40 PM   #1
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Unhappy How to get married woman out of my head?

I am 40 years old male having an affair with a married woman(37 yrs old) for the last 3 years(known her since 5 years as family friends). Affair started 3 years ago after my separation with my ex-wife. It was a very difficult time for me and AP started to take an interest in me, ringing me every day to discuss about my divorce and giving me comfort.

Long story short we had a full blown 2 years EA & PA, We saw each other pretty much everyday except when her husband has a day off. She told me that she was not happy with her husband and he does not treat her well. She said she had a crush on me since we met and she wanted to get married and spend her life with me. I was dealing with my divorce so I said until I will not get divorced we canít get married so wait until I will sort my financial matters with my ex wife. (My divorce was very messy and still financial matters are pending)

This was my biggest mistake as I thought she truly loves me and will leave her husband whenever I will ask her so I decided to sort other matters in my life before we will get married.

Last year in August we were chatting at night and her husband had a doubt and it was a like a mild DDay, she told him that she was chatting with her female friends. He figured something is not right so he took her to 3 weeks holidays which I strongly objected but she said there is nothing to worry as she loves me and will be mine ultimately. I gone crazy in that time while they were on holidays. We were in touch while they were on holidays and I told her that as soon as she will be back, we are making a decision and I donít care about my financial matters.

After they came back from holidays, I said now you have to make a decision but she gave me common excuses that her son got exams in few months so I will have to wait, if she will leave now his son life will be destroyed. I did wait for few months and then another story from her that we will have to wait to start his son Uni etc.,

Anyway at that point I figured that she is just using me for money and sex, she wants me to order her expensive stuff, paying for her and her friends dinner parties etc., I started NC and completely blocked her and very next day she was at my home crying and beggingÖ.she promised me that she will leave him just need some time.

After a few months had passed and still the same, so I blocked her and completely went to NC. I started seeing some other single girls who were interested in me, one of them was very serious about me but I never felt anything towards any of them. I spent time with them, going out, slept but my mind and heart was into this married woman.

AP contacted one of our mutual friend and asked her that she cannot live without me and need another chance. She promised me in front of our mutual friend that after 2 months she will leave her husband and gave me an exact date.

Again nothing happened, I was physically sick from her drama and again I blocked her and went to NC but this time she went to my Uncle for an advise and told everything about our affair. I was very angry and ring her that how dare you have spoken to my uncle, she said she will never leave me. I said next time you contact me or anyone I know, I will tell your husband. She said do whatever you want to do but she will not stop contacting me.

To be honest, I was also very much attached/addicted to her so I decided that I am unable to live without her so I should continue the friendship but no PA. After few weeks it was started again, seeing each-other 2 to 3 times a week and having sex.

2 months ago her husband was checking their phone bills and my number was all over, she made calls to me everyday and it was for hours. He was very angry and according to her he hit her badly that night. Her husband also rang me on that night as he wanted to see me. I knew something was wrong, next morning I spoke to her and she said he knows everything now and she did not deny anything. I said why did not you leave when he was hurting you? we had a furious conversation and I said thats it I cannot do this anymore.

Next day her husband phoned me and after talking to him, I guessed that she made some promises or asked his forgiveness and will never contact me again because he was very surprised when I warned him not to touch her again or I will go to Police. Anyway it was not a nice conversation but I felt that she sold me completely in front of her husband.

NC started again but she keeps ringing me from different numbers, ultimately I picked the phone and she said she has decided that she is coming to me by the end of November. Our affair started again, 2 weeks ago one day we met and had sex in the morning. When she reached to her work place, her husband was there waiting. I was on the phone and he said what happened to your makeup? You left this morning with full makeup on. Her husband took her phone and then after an hour she called me from her colleague phone to tell me that he thinks that I went to see you and she said I should be ready that she might come to me today. I said why donít you come now, she said she does not know. I was really angry at this stage but there is nothing I could do.

Since then I have blocked her, after last DDay she did not ring me for 4 days but then she started ringing me again everyday at certain time, I even blocked that number and now she ring me from private number. When she rings me my heart melt and I start to think that she might loves me but everyone including my close friends told me she is just using me, her husband will never leave her and she will use me until I will allow her.

At the moment financially I am very stable and earning a good amount of money but cannot do this anymore. I have to struggle everyday to leave my bed. When I go to my office I just sit there and do nothing. I got private clients as well but since last 6 months I could not do anything for them. I always make excuses to them and I know this will not go for a long and ultimately I will loose all my clients.

I can see that I am loosing myself but donít have energy to save myself. Before this affair I was very energetic and loved my work, I really enjoy my work and I always thought that I can live happily alone for my whole life if I will have my work but now I feel looser. My divorce did not hurt me this much the way this woman messed with me. I had to pay a big amount of Money to my ex-wife and I have managed but this affair is killing me and destroying me completely.

When I think that she used me and living a happy life with her husband made me feel depressed and then my body freeze. I am trying my best to take her out of my mind but she always come back to me. Since last 2 weeks I have also blocked all of our mutual friends so no one could contact me to discuss anything about her. She lives and work near to my other property which I rent out and I need to be there once a week to collect the rent. I donít know how to handle the situation because when I go to my other property it reminds me of her and then I become paralysed.

There is a girl I saw few times, she is quite interested in me to start a life and rings me pretty much everyday. All my friends pushing me that I should put my efforts towards this girl. I know she is a very good girl, having a solid family background and will be a good wife but I donít feel anything towards her, I have tried but I am unable to feel the same spark as I feel when I talk to AP.

Please if you guys can give me some of your thoughts/advise that how can I overcome this and live a happy life? I have read enough on this forum that I should maintain NC and thats the only way to heal but when I hit with withdrawals I feel that I will never be able to live happily without her.


Thanks in advance.
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Old 14th November 2017, 7:55 PM   #2
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I apologise, I only made it to where her husband found out and she promised no contact with you....

But way before that.... I already could tell she has NO RESPECT FOR YOU.

She lies to you. She manipulates you. She uses you for your money. She will drag your name through the mud to get what she wants.

You wanted no contact, and she didn't give a damn about you, she only cared about what SHE wants - and went to lengths to get what she wants.... Does care if telling your uncle hurts you, this is all about HER.

Perhaps seeing her raging selfishness will help you let go. She can't be a friend, she certainly can't be a lover. She doesn't have your best interest at heart, only hers.

Ever hear if you love someone set them free? She demonstrates the opposite of that - all ego.

How do move on? No contact, and counseling so you can understand why you allowed yourself to be treated this way.
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Old 14th November 2017, 8:37 PM   #3
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Originally Posted by RecentChange View Post
I apologise, I only made it to where her husband found out and she promised no contact with you....

But way before that.... I already could tell she has NO RESPECT FOR YOU.

She lies to you. She manipulates you. She uses you for your money. She will drag your name through the mud to get what she wants.

You wanted no contact, and she didn't give a damn about you, she only cared about what SHE wants - and went to lengths to get what she wants.... Does care if telling your uncle hurts you, this is all about HER.

Perhaps seeing her raging selfishness will help you let go. She can't be a friend, she certainly can't be a lover. She doesn't have your best interest at heart, only hers.

Ever hear if you love someone set them free? She demonstrates the opposite of that - all ego.

How do move on? No contact, and counseling so you can understand why you allowed yourself to be treated this way.
Thank you so much for your input.

I never thought about this before and yes you are right its all about her selfishness. Because every time she contacts me always looking something from me.

I just want to remove these sad feelings from my body, I have strongly made a promise that I will never answer her calls.
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Old 14th November 2017, 8:44 PM   #4
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Like they say, time heals...

But you said this is affecting your business etc - you can't have that.

When we break and arm, and it makes it so you can't work, you go to a doctor and get it treated.

When your mental health is affecting your life like this - time to get it treated.

Now I am not a fan of "happy pills" but I am a fan of counseling.

First, this will give you an impartial third person, who has your best interest at heart to talk to.

And they will give you TOOLS. Ways to redirect feelings, ways to stop negative thoughts and redirect to healthy ones.

Tools to manage your anxiety. A game plan for moving forward.

Start shopping for a counselor. Do know, they are not all the same, and kinda like a relationship you need to find a good match. If you feel that they don't understand you, or that you don't click with them - don't hesitate to try someone else.

You WILL get through this - and with the right tools, some hard work, you will come out the other side a better, and wiser man.

Last edited by RecentChange; 14th November 2017 at 8:46 PM..
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Old 14th November 2017, 9:14 PM   #5
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Thanks RecentChange!

I went to my GP and discussed about my situation, she wants me to take antidepressants and go for counselling.

I will never take antidepressants, I am also not a fan of this. I had couple of telephonic counselling sessions and they wanted me to visit their office to put me on a proper program.

I always think and still believe that I am a very strong person emotionally. I had many breakups in my life including my messy divorce but it never affects my mental condition.

I am like a problem solver among my family and friends but at the moment I cannot figure this mess. I just need clarity to see AP real face so I will be able to move on with my life.

I always put my work first and I don't know what happened to me so AP has taken so much space in my life and now I am like her puppet.
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Old 14th November 2017, 10:29 PM   #6
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From reading your post, londonlondon, you have, with help from friends, figured the situation out quite well.

The only thing to do is bite the bullet and go NC for good. This woman will never change. Even if she left her husband for you, in her selfishness she would be seeking attention from other men.

Until you're away from her for awhile you won't be able to form an attachment to other women so don't even try. Just concentrate on your business, friends and family until you get over this person.

It will be tough to totally let her go but it will be tough to stay with her, the way she's treating you. Seems to me your only chance for happiness is to let her go and get over her however long it takes.

Many people have had to let someone they love go for all different reasons. It hurts but sometimes there's no alternative.
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Old 14th November 2017, 11:10 PM   #7
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Thanks LivingWaterPlease!

This is exactly my best friend told me:

Quote:
This woman will never change. Even if she left her husband for you, in her selfishness she would be seeking attention from other men.
She said if she can't be loyal to her husband of 19 yrs of marriage, how come she will be yours?

I don't know whats wrong with me but this time I will try my level best to avoid her completely even It will hurt like hell.
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Old 14th November 2017, 11:15 PM   #8
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I'm 40 as well and have been through a very similar situation, for 6 years, the lies and decieit sucked, I also went through talking to single women and every time I'd find one, it pull away from her I probably missed out on a lot opportunities back then, I lost myself in that situation and no matter what anybody did or said to me I kept believing she'd leave him, she also gave me words like you mentioned but at the end of the day she still hasn't left him,
If she loved you she'd leave no matter what the case is. I know the pain you are going through, ive been through this and all I can say is you have to find the strength to get out of it, it'll only get worse. I'm going through a different situation now, but I wish the best of luck to you!
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:05 PM   #9
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I was married when my affair started and he was single and then started dating someone. I never promised him I would leave my husband and when he moved on and started dating someone I didn't stop him. I couldn't expect him to wait around for me. Did I want to be with him? Yes. Did it hurt? So bad. But I couldn't put his life on hold while I sorted out mine.

My point is she does not respect or love you. She knows you love her and will always give in. She will continue to take advantage of your love for her unless you show her owtherwise. Move on; if she was leaving she would have done it by now. I left after two years. I didn't end up with him but I left because I wanted to. She doesn't want to. She wants both a husband, and a boyfriend.
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:33 PM   #10
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Thanks Ronnie!

Quote:
She wants both a husband, and a boyfriend.
You are 100% right and this is what I thought about her. She told me once that there should be a miracle that her husband divorce her so she could come to me. I think she does not want to be the bad guy by leaving her husband??
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Old 15th November 2017, 6:12 PM   #11
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She doesn't want to be the bad guy and she doesn't want to deal with drama. She's also lazy and would rather stay, have her cake with you, without having to change her life.
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Old 16th November 2017, 8:35 AM   #12
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Please sort yourself out before getting involved with someone new. The new woman doesn't deserve this drama.

Lesson learned is to stop letting your feelings get away from you. Your emotional attachments in life determine the quality of life you have. You have created a situation that has caused a lot of pain. Stay away from this woman because only time and distance is gonna heal your pain.

Married people LIE.
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True power is having the ability to walk away from what I desire, to protect that which I love.
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Old 16th November 2017, 2:13 PM   #13
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Thanks travelbug1996 for your wise input.

I am having a lot of pressure from my family and friends to get married as soon as possible because its been 3 years since my divorce.

I know I am not ready and none of the girls I dated clicked me even they are way better(in all fields) than my AP.

I was going to take a lady out on this Sunday but I am going to cancel now because I am feeling miserable and hopeless that I will ever be able to feel the same connection.

Could you please advise that for how long do I have to wait or any other tips which I should do right now to reset me to my old happy life where I loved my work and I treated my work as my GF?

Thanks in advance.
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Old 16th November 2017, 3:03 PM   #14
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First you have to heal. Who cares what your family thinks, you are a grown man. Second you have to accept that you will never find another connection like you had with AP. Why? Because you were addicted to her. It wasn't healthy love. It was lust and emotion. Also known as limerance. Limerance is the feeling and drug that we get addicted to. It's what keeps you in the Honeymoon stage of the affair. i was with my AP for 4 years. The sex was always amazing and intense. We always wanted eachother. One look from him and I was ready to go. In a regular relationship it does not stay like that after 4 years. You become more comfortable and secure in the relationship and even though the sex can stay good, it's not that insane, passionate, can't live without you sex that you have in the beginning. Limerance will keep you locked in that state forever.

Accept and realize that a normal relationship isn't like that. Because a normal relationship progresses, becomes comfortable and secure. That's what you want your end game to be. The connection with someone new might not be as intense As it was with your AP, but you will come to realize that intensity was more the drugs of lust and drama, then love.
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Old 17th November 2017, 8:37 PM   #15
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Hi Guys!!

Today I was at work and got a phone call with "No Caller ID" and I thought its work related but it was her on the other end.

I suddenly hang up but then for next few hours I was like thinking about her constantly. My brain and body were frozen and could not do anything for several hours.

After getting inputs from you guys, finally I truly realised that she never loved me and she just used me. Now when I think about her I take her as a liar, cheater and selfish monster.

Tomorrow I have to see one of my clients and his office is near to her work place and I am so terrified to go there and I don't know when I will be able to recover from this?

I want to live a life where her existence and phone calls should not bother me?

Do you think I will ever be able to reach to a point where she will not mess with my head?
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