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Head is melted


Confusedlady77

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Confusedlady77

Hi all,

 

First time poster. I am stuck in a very unhappy marriage. We are married 10 years and have 2 kids. We were kind of bumbling along until 4 months ago when I bumped into an old ex. My OH was out with me that night as well but went home early. I went out with my ex 15 years ago for 2 yrs. We were very young and broke up because he made no effort but there was never a fall out.

 

Anyway - that night it became apparent that we still had a huge connection but nothing happened. He messaged me a few days after and we are still messaging. That night has been the catalyst for me to tell my husband how I feel and we are in limbo at the moment.

 

I enjoy the texting with my ex but am so confused about what he wants. He has a girlfriend. At the beginning he texted and said he regretted a lot of stuff, that he was thinking about me all the time etc etc. He then propositioned me to meet up privately but I turned him down as it's not something I would ever do to my OH, no matter how tempted I was. So he knows where I stand on that. Ex still messages me quite a bit, some everyday stuff and also some more flirtacious stuff. I do enjoy a bit of banter but divert the conversation back to the subject of his girlfriend if it gets too risque.

 

I suppose I'm just wondering why he is still texting me? I do have feelings for him but would never act while I'm still married. Do you think he knows this and is just messing with my head? He was getting deep a few months ago but just really wants to discuss surface stuff now.

 

My head is melted :(

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Confusedlady77
The thrill of the chase.

 

It's looking like that. I've no idea why he is doing that though as if something did happen we have big family connections and a load of people could get hurt and involved. Don't know why he isn't off pursuing someone else less dangerous.

 

When we were together I would have said loyalty was the his biggest asset. He was so loyal. I am so disappointed that he would risk it when he has a lovely girlfriend. He also knows how unstable my marriage is so to play with my emotions as well is downright nasty. Feel like I don't know him anymore.

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A lot of water under the bridge in 15 years. Beware of connections based on past memories. BTDT.

 

If your M is done, that's OK. Happens. Agree to see others or divorce. I'd view the ex as a wake up call in the here and now. A similar situation certainly helped me move on from a draining M nearly a decade ago. So, so happy the call came when it did.

 

Look into your kids eyes and you'll know what to do. Good luck and welcome to LS.

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Confusedlady77
A lot of water under the bridge in 15 years. Beware of connections based on past memories. BTDT.

 

If your M is done, that's OK. Happens. Agree to see others or divorce. I'd view the ex as a wake up call in the here and now. A similar situation certainly helped me move on from a draining M nearly a decade ago. So, so happy the call came when it did.

 

Look into your kids eyes and you'll know what to do. Good luck and welcome to LS.

 

Thanks for the welcome Carhill. 15 years is definitely a lot of water under the bridge. Just generally struggling with his apparent personality transplant but am so glad I turned down his proposition. I am probably just focussing on him because I am unhappy elsewhere.

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He wants to get you in bed...

 

That is always the reason. And, even if you divert the risqué talk, you are having an emotional affair.

 

Further, if you keep this up, you will end up in bed with him.

 

So, is your marriage done? If it is, then file for divorce. It really is that simple.

 

If it is not done, you should know some things. There is a reason that they call it the 7 year itch! And it usually happens at between 7 and 10 years. Kids, everyone gets somewhat fat or just unattractive, life gets in the way and so on and so on.

 

I know that for a lot of woman this is when they have affairs.

 

So you need to decide if your marriage has anything left in it and if it does you need to stop this EA and focus on your marriage. But don't make some half hearted attempt at fixing the marriage, you need to be all in or all out.

 

And your husband has to do the same...

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Confusedlady77
He wants to get you in bed...

 

That is always the reason. And, even if you divert the risqué talk, you are having an emotional affair.

 

Further, if you keep this up, you will end up in bed with him.

 

So, is your marriage done? If it is, then file for divorce. It really is that simple.

 

If it is not done, you should know some things. There is a reason that they call it the 7 year itch! And it usually happens at between 7 and 10 years. Kids, everyone gets somewhat fat or just unattractive, life gets in the way and so on and so on.

 

I know that for a lot of woman this is when they have affairs.

 

So you need to decide if your marriage has anything left in it and if it does you need to stop this EA and focus on your marriage. But don't make some half hearted attempt at fixing the marriage, you need to be all in or all out.

 

And your husband has to do the same...

 

Thanks for the reply.

 

My marriage is definitely over and has been for some time. I don't love my husband anymore. The meeting was just the catalyst because it reminded me of what it was like to laugh with someone and to be treated well. Ex always treated me very well and we always laughed. Life has just been one big struggle for myself and my OH for a very long time.

 

I agree that I do have a dependance on the texts and contact but I don't initiate them. I don't consider it an EA as we don't exchange any feelings. It is mainly light hearted banter and a bit of flirting but nothing too heavy. Obviously though, he is hoping that I will be jumping into bed with him. Which I won't, we live a good distance away from each other and have no plans to be in or near his company.

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First of all it is a known psychological fact that we tend to remember the good things and forget the bad about past relationships. There was a reason why you did not last and no matter what is said, that reason is still there or lurking.

 

It is natural for a person in a bad marriage to seek the comfort of another. Every girlfriend that cheated on me did so with someone she knew. It is rare for a girl to meet a stranger and start a relationship when married. Also know that men are genetically designed to view women as potential mates, even if they already have one. He can be thinking about having sex with you again figuring you are safe because you are married and it can be just FWB type of thing. It can also be because men like the attention of women even if they are not thinking of taking it further at that time. I have done that myself. I got flattered and encouraged the girl's attention but when it came down to sex, I backed off, most times anyway. The thrill of the hunt was sometimes better than the kill. I did that when I was married. Just wanted to know that I could most times. I did give in once and regret that to this day.

 

Best thing to do is to separate. So many say they want to stay married due to sake of children but that is mostly just not wanting to put them through the divorce process. These days half of all kids are from divorvced parents and adjust well. I think the short term upheaval is better than providing your children with an example of married life when no love or even like exists. Where do you think they will get their idea of how to treat a spouse, if not from your and your husband.

 

My sister stayed together for the sake of her kids. One is 35, been engaged 3 times, has a kid and not married or engage anymore. She got her idea of how to be a wife from my sister who treated her husband as a money machine showing no love towards him and so does her daughter. Her son married a very controlling women. He works full time, does all the cooking and cleaning as well as takes care of their two kids. Why? His dad meekly put up with my sister dominating him and putting him down because she no longer loved him and in fact did not even like him so she resented that she had to live the lie.

 

She did not do her kids any favors by staying together. Now they are divorced and both are the happiest I ever saw them with new spouses. Your life, your choice but you are only making things more difficult by seeing your ex. If you think taking up with an ex who has moved on with another women is better than a legal separation or divorce, you are digging yourself a deeper hole.

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First of all, you absolutely are having an emotional affair. Does your husband know about the communication? Do you show him the texts? Divorce your husband so you both can just move on

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MidnightBlue1980
First of all, you absolutely are having an emotional affair. Does your husband know about the communication? Do you show him the texts? Divorce your husband so you both can just move on

 

This is ridiculous advice. People do not just get divorced like that. I take it you are not married.

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My MM was single and I was married when we started the emotional affair. Then he got a gf and guess what? Now he's married and I'm single.

 

Did you ever hear that expression "I pissed on him/her first"

 

It's like marking territory. He thinks because he had you years ago, and before you were married that he can have you again.

 

Doesn't mean he wants to be with you, he wants sex and thinks because of your history he can get it easier.

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This is ridiculous advice. People do not just get divorced like that. I take it you are not married.

 

Well, she did say her marriage was over and she didn't love her husband. So divorce is in order.

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Thanks for the reply.

 

My marriage is definitely over and has been for some time. I don't love my husband anymore. The meeting was just the catalyst because it reminded me of what it was like to laugh with someone and to be treated well. Ex always treated me very well and we always laughed. Life has just been one big struggle for myself and my OH for a very long time.

 

I agree that I do have a dependance on the texts and contact but I don't initiate them. I don't consider it an EA as we don't exchange any feelings. It is mainly light hearted banter and a bit of flirting but nothing too heavy. Obviously though, he is hoping that I will be jumping into bed with him. Which I won't, we live a good distance away from each other and have no plans to be in or near his company.

 

Your ex is not treating you well at all. He is disrespecting your marriage.

 

Flirting when you are married is testing your boundaries. I know you are Long Distance. You will be s urprised how close up he will get if you let him.

 

Poppy.

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Thanks for the reply.

 

My marriage is definitely over and has been for some time. I don't love my husband anymore. The meeting was just the catalyst because it reminded me of what it was like to laugh with someone and to be treated well. Ex always treated me very well and we always laughed. Life has just been one big struggle for myself and my OH for a very long time.

 

I agree that I do have a dependance on the texts and contact but I don't initiate them. I don't consider it an EA as we don't exchange any feelings. It is mainly light hearted banter and a bit of flirting but nothing too heavy. Obviously though, he is hoping that I will be jumping into bed with him. Which I won't, we live a good distance away from each other and have no plans to be in or near his company.

 

But it IS an emotional affair because you admittedly depend on those texts/communication - even though you know he's not the man you thought he was.

 

Yet, you are willing to risk your reputation for his texts...?

 

You are what you do - so do things that you are proud of - not embarrassed about.

 

File for divorce since you say your M is over... then you can date available men.

 

What is OH? H is for husband...does the O stand for old?

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Confusedlady77
First of all it is a known psychological fact that we tend to remember the good things and forget the bad about past relationships. There was a reason why you did not last and no matter what is said, that reason is still there or lurking.

 

It is natural for a person in a bad marriage to seek the comfort of another. Every girlfriend that cheated on me did so with someone she knew. It is rare for a girl to meet a stranger and start a relationship when married. Also know that men are genetically designed to view women as potential mates, even if they already have one. He can be thinking about having sex with you again figuring you are safe because you are married and it can be just FWB type of thing. It can also be because men like the attention of women even if they are not thinking of taking it further at that time. I have done that myself. I got flattered and encouraged the girl's attention but when it came down to sex, I backed off, most times anyway. The thrill of the hunt was sometimes better than the kill. I did that when I was married. Just wanted to know that I could most times. I did give in once and regret that to this day.

 

Best thing to do is to separate. So many say they want to stay married due to sake of children but that is mostly just not wanting to put them through the divorce process. These days half of all kids are from divorvced parents and adjust well. I think the short term upheaval is better than providing your children with an example of married life when no love or even like exists. Where do you think they will get their idea of how to treat a spouse, if not from your and your husband.

 

My sister stayed together for the sake of her kids. One is 35, been engaged 3 times, has a kid and not married or engage anymore. She got her idea of how to be a wife from my sister who treated her husband as a money machine showing no love towards him and so does her daughter. Her son married a very controlling women. He works full time, does all the cooking and cleaning as well as takes care of their two kids. Why? His dad meekly put up with my sister dominating him and putting him down because she no longer loved him and in fact did not even like him so she resented that she had to live the lie.

 

She did not do her kids any favors by staying together. Now they are divorced and both are the happiest I ever saw them with new spouses. Your life, your choice but you are only making things more difficult by seeing your ex. If you think taking up with an ex who has moved on with another women is better than a legal separation or divorce, you are digging yourself a deeper hole.

 

Thanks for the reply Steve. The break up really because we were both young and he wasn't making enough effort. I was ready to become more committed and he wasn't. He did try to win me back a year later and a couple of occasions after that but I was with my now husband and rebuked all attempts. I believe his regrets are sincere as he is saying now what he had said all them years ago.A lot of our old mutual friends told him at the time and through the years that he messed up letting me go.

 

What has confused me is that the tone at the beginning was of a regretful one, then turned suggestive. I went nuts when he suggested meeting up and told him in no uncertain terms that it wouldn't be happening while I am married and he is with someone. He toned the messages back then and while they are still flirty at times, there is also just general banter and no suggestion of meeting again (that was suggested a month ago).

 

He knows that I won't change my mind so I wonder why he is still bothering with me. He told me someone else was pursuing him and he's not interested but I didn't even react to this aside from saying it looks like he has a lovely girlfriend so he shouldn't go there.

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Confusedlady77
Your ex is not treating you well at all. He is disrespecting your marriage.

 

Flirting when you are married is testing your boundaries. I know you are Long Distance. You will be s urprised how close up he will get if you let him.

 

Poppy.

 

Oh he would meet up in a flash if I was up for it and has already suggested it but I shot him down and told no way was it happening. I am not even remotely tempted to meet up with him while I am married and while he is with someone else. It's all or nothing for me.

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Confusedlady77
But it IS an emotional affair because you admittedly depend on those texts/communication - even though you know he's not the man you thought he was.

 

Yet, you are willing to risk your reputation for his texts...?

 

You are what you do - so do things that you are proud of - not embarrassed about.

 

File for divorce since you say your M is over... then you can date available men.

 

What is OH? H is for husband...does the O stand for old?

 

OH stands for Other Half. I suppose I don't view it as an EA because it's not liek we are planning to meet up, or sharing feelings. It's mainly banter and some flirtacious messages (from him) but I don't really engage with it.

 

I suppose because I feel so lonely it feels good that someone is thinking about me and I know things won't go any further because I'm not tempted in the slightest.

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OH stands for Other Half. I suppose I don't view it as an EA because it's not liek we are planning to meet up, or sharing feelings. It's mainly banter and some flirtacious messages (from him) but I don't really engage with it.

 

I suppose because I feel so lonely it feels good that someone is thinking about me and I know things won't go any further because I'm not tempted in the slightest.

 

Well, if you'd be embarrassed by someone else reading the texts - consider it inappropriate.

 

Just by allowing him to text you - means you are engaging him.

 

You know he wants sex. Just because you won't doesn't mean it's appropriate - it only means that you're willing to tease him, yes?

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It's easy to get sucked in when your relationship isn't going well.

 

I suggest you stop the texting and once until you've filed for a divorce.

 

If he decides to break up with his GF...then you can consider something with him.

 

Does your husband realise the marriage is over ?

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Confusedlady77
Well, if you'd be embarrassed by someone else reading the texts - consider it inappropriate.

 

Just by allowing him to text you - means you are engaging him.

 

You know he wants sex. Just because you won't doesn't mean it's appropriate - it only means that you're willing to tease him, yes?

 

I enjoy the texting yes - but not the full on stuff so I do divert it. I made it very clear about a month ago that I was not and will not be up for a one night stand, an affair or a FWB situation. I don't think that can be called teasing if I am engaging in light hearted banter with him. I'm not suggesting that anything will happen to him and he knows my personality, that I won't change my mind.

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Confusedlady77
It's easy to get sucked in when your relationship isn't going well.

 

I suggest you stop the texting and once until you've filed for a divorce.

 

If he decides to break up with his GF...then you can consider something with him.

 

Does your husband realise the marriage is over ?

 

My husband does know that I don't love him. I live in a country where you need to be separated for a considerable number of years before you can even file for divorce. We also have debts that need to be sorted out before I go anywhere. I am starting counselling next week (my husband knows this) to deal with some stuff that has happened in the past. He has been physically abusive a few times and is emotionally abusive. He is trying to make amends but to be honest the love died a few years ago.

 

I suppose the messages do give me a lift in a way, they probably do for him too. I just feel very lonely and like a failure that I can't make my marriage work

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My husband does know that I don't love him. I live in a country where you need to be separated for a considerable number of years before you can even file for divorce. We also have debts that need to be sorted out before I go anywhere. I am starting counselling next week (my husband knows this) to deal with some stuff that has happened in the past. He has been physically abusive a few times and is emotionally abusive. He is trying to make amends but to be honest the love died a few years ago.

 

I suppose the messages do give me a lift in a way, they probably do for him too. I just feel very lonely and like a failure that I can't make my marriage work

 

YOu are in a very vulnerable dangerous place. You are looking for comfort and it is easy to find it in an A.

Poppy.

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Confusedlady77
YOu are in a very vulnerable dangerous place. You are looking for comfort and it is easy to find it in an A.

Poppy.

 

Hi Poppy,

 

Yes - you're right. I am in a vulnerable place and it's lonely. I started counselling yesterday and am on day 3 of NC with ex. It is tough. I feel like crap even though I know I am doing the right thing :(

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