I called him....now in worse pain

[What_Did_I_Do]

I know, I know. How much I've read here on how that's the worst thing to do...and I did it. Was at work, couldn't post my torment on LS, so I called him instead. Went to v/m and doubt he'll call me back.

 

I just want this pain to go away and it's not. Tried working out more, new hobbies, reading, self reflection, contacting old friends, EVERYTHING, and nothing is making this better.

 

How much longer will this last. I can't take it anymore.

[rumblefish12]

WDID -- Am I right that you've been NC since around July and it was a 7 year A? I'm NC since June and it was 4 years. It's weird that I've been feeling the pull. I don't know if it is the time of year or the amount of time since last contact, but really missing her. And while I felt like it got much better than the initial discomfort, it seems I'm in a trough. No matter -- I feel like I just need to keep going .... as do you. Don't beat yourself up about it. I know how hard and frustrating it is. I'm really glad you are posting here. You've got some good people in your corner here. You just have to keep trudging, okay? With the rest of us. I'm sorry you're going through this, but hang in there. You'll learn from all of it, including the call today. It's okay and you're okay.

[deadsoul]

I know, I know. How much I've read here on how that's the worst thing to do...and I did it. Was at work, couldn't post my torment on LS, so I called him instead. Went to v/m and doubt he'll call me back.

 

I just want this pain to go away and it's not. Tried working out more, new hobbies, reading, self reflection, contacting old friends, EVERYTHING, and nothing is making this better.

 

How much longer will this last. I can't take it anymore.

 

You know, just when you think you're at this frustrated point where you can't take it any more, something just happens... and you start to notice that you have all these moments you don't think of him 24/7. And you learn you really can get through this. The dark moments will come back, but you'll notice they aren't as intense. I honestly never thought I would get to the place I'm at now and it's been a long road to get here. It happens. I promise. Be patient with yourself and allow yourself that time to grieve. I also realized that as soon as I quit fighting the pain so much and just embraced it and let myself feel it, that I started feeling better. I had been fighting it for so long and it just kept coming around and kicking my butt again. Have that person you can call instead of him on your weak moments. Or go take a walk. Read the Power of Now. Listen to Noah Elkrief (sp) on youtube. All of these things help. But the biggie is let yourself feel it. Tell yourself it is okay to sit in it for awhile.

 

Yeah, you had a little setback and now you know not to do that again. Huge hugs. You can do this.

[BluEyeL]

Generalizing a bit but i will guess that the worst of it will take 6 months. And then until you find someone else to love might still flare up now and then.

[MidnightBlue1980]

7 years is a long time. I had many steps backwards, so don't beat yourself up. It took me about 18 months to stop thinking obsessively and mine was only a 5 month A. Do you have to see him? I had to see him. With complete NC it takes about 6 months to a year to start to feel better.

 

Are you married or single?

[jenkins95]

(((WDID)))

 

I'm so sorry to read how low you are feeling WDID.

 

I concur strongly with the other posters. It's all about time (and what you do with the time), patience and resolve and determination.

 

I was an MM in an affair. At two years out I am just about starting to feel like my old self again (although a new version - you are never 100% the same after an A). These things take time. Don't give up hope - you will get there. Trust your biology - your brain will re-wire itself, but it is a very complex organ and it takes a lot of time. Your hormone balance will also re-normalise. Like rumblefish, I went through periods of missing my xOW terribly, even though I was glad to be out of the affair and knew it was the right thing to recommit to my marriage. I could still miss her now if I chose to, but the desperate longing, the pain, the addiction - that's long gone.

 

I believe that BluEyeL is about right. When coming out of a long term affair, it will probably take six months until you notice even a slight improvement. Midnight obsessed over her other guy for 18 months...but look at her now. She wouldn't touch him now if he was the last guy on earth (right Midnight?). And, as ever, deadsoul is VERY wise. These things go in cycles. You can feel terrible for weeks, then wake up one day, feel better...for several days, think you are over the worst of it...and than wake up under a black cloud again. It goes in cycles, but gradually, very gradually, the cycles themselves move in a more positive direction. Where the early cycles may be two devastating weeks followed by a bearable day, a year later the cycles may have evolved to two good weeks followed by one bad week. Just stay the course...you will get there.

 

Know that you are not alone. Millions have gone through what you are going through....and nearly all of them came out the other side. LS members, whether BS, WS, other person or whatever, we understand your pain.

 

A lapse in NC, calling him in a moment of weakness...this is very common. It hurt you (breaking NC - whatever the outcome - very rarely leads to anything other than further pain...it happened in my A too) and I'm sure this will deter you from doing it again. Get back on your horse and brush yourself down - you will be OK!

 

Take care and keep posting. Deep breath - you can do this girl. Get through the pain barrier and reclaim your life back. Imagine how much more you will appreciate life once you get all this behind you.

Edited October 27, 2017 by jenkins95

[deadsoul]

Op how are you today?

 

Jenkins!!! How I love to read your posts. You lift me up dude. Seriously. Please don’t take long hiatuses again. And MB? Everything you write helps me too. I guess one day I will get to that point where I don’t need the board so much anymore.

[BigBlueSky]

Op how are you today?

 

Jenkins!!! How I love to read your posts. You lift me up dude. Seriously. Please don’t take long hiatuses again. And MB? Everything you write helps me too. I guess one day I will get to that point where I don’t need the board so much anymore.

 

And when you do get to that point, PLEASE make sure you keep checking in once in awhile. Your insight is needed around here and so appreciated!! (As are the ones that are further along in their healing... Jenkins, mb, etc. So thankful that you all continue to contribute to those of us that are making our way out of the messes that we have made)

[Vivir]

Hugs to you:

(((What_Did_I_Do)))

 

It happens to the best of us, you know. Just this week was the first time in a while that I even considered dialing his number.

 

Ultimately, I didn't call. I just thought about it. I focused on the phone number and just saw it in my mind's eye... I even remembered when he jotted it down and handed it to me. I can see this action happening; it is a memory. And then I thought to myself, What has changed?

 

I could feel my resolve slipping a bit, so I wrote to him in my journal. And the next day, I wrote about my feelings... twice... so that was three days this week. But I have been patient with myself. And I am showing myself some much needed compassion. And that is all I can do. These things take time. We all have setbacks.

 

You have some excellent advice and support here and that makes me so happy for you, because I genuinely feel that you are going to be OK. It might hurt, you might feel terrible, but you're going to make it! We're all rooting for you.

 

But I really, really, really loved this:

 

But the biggie is let yourself feel it. Tell yourself it is okay to sit in it for awhile.

 

Yeah, you had a little setback and now you know not to do that again.

 

Some time ago, I visualized myself being flushed down the toilet and then floating face-down in the sewer. That is how bad I felt. A dear friend asked me what I was going to do, and I told her, "I think I am just gonna be here for a while."

 

I felt terrible. But the feeling passed.

 

Hugs to you WDID.

[Poppy47]

All the best WDID. My A was 9 years long.

 

When I get the urge just to lay eyes on him again, I come on the board and read and read. It reminds me that he did not have my best interests at heart and was a danger to my future happiness.

 

One slip up is not the end of the world. You have lived to tell the tale.

 

Poppy.

[What_Did_I_Do]

It was a difficult week. HUGE work issue that prompted an out of town meeting yesterday. All the pressure was on me. I buckled. Felt I had nowhere to go and he used to be my support system. Hence the call.

 

Well, surprisingly he called me back. He was cold, hard and pointedly asked the question: what did you call me for. I didn't have an answer. Felt scolded (again) by the meanie school teacher. I hate him. Loooong way to go to indifference but better than the helpless 'in love' feelings from before.

 

MB, I'm D and have no RL or significant other to redirect my focus. Kids are older and independent.

 

Just didn't expect the severity of that pull to reach out to him. Nothing good came from that call except more shame and embarrassment. 7 years is a long time and it will be a while before I see some light.

[elaine567]

7 years is a long time and it will be a while before I see some light.

 

Yes 7 years is a long time but you need to get past the mindset of " it will be a while before I see some light"

If you decide to let it take a long time, it probably will.

 

You now know he is not pining for you, or regretting his decision so use that to move forward.

Do not let him dictate the further course of your life.

He, with your help, already wasted a big chunk of it.

[What_Did_I_Do]

All the best WDID. My A was 9 years long.

 

When I get the urge just to lay eyes on him again, I come on the board and read and read. It reminds me that he did not have my best interests at heart and was a danger to my future happiness.

 

One slip up is not the end of the world. You have lived to tell the tale.

 

Poppy.

 

Poppy, do you now feel some peace post long term A? I'm not chasing the elusive "happiness" rainbow, just want peace.

 

I wouldn't have called him if I had the opportunity to cry but couldn't go into that meeting with red and swollen eyes. Held that emotion in and then channeled it in a bad direction. NOTHING good comes from affairs. If we could only turn back time.

[HiCrunchy]

7 years is a long time. I had many steps backwards, so don't beat yourself up. It took me about 18 months to stop thinking obsessively and mine was only a 5 month A. Do you have to see him? I had to see him. With complete NC it takes about 6 months to a year to start to feel better.

 

Are you married or single?

 

From my own experience different people take different lengths of time to heal.

There is no right or wrong way to move on as long as your taking a small step everyday to move on with NC.

 

As this poster mentioned, sometimes even short relationships may take a long time to get over because of the feelings that are involved and that is okay. Your relationship was 7 years! Just time wise it can be difficult. Just keep moving forward and you will get there.

 

You're strong. I know you can do this!

[deadsoul]

It was a difficult week. HUGE work issue that prompted an out of town meeting yesterday. All the pressure was on me. I buckled. Felt I had nowhere to go and he used to be my support system. Hence the call.

 

Well, surprisingly he called me back. He was cold, hard and pointedly asked the question: what did you call me for. I didn't have an answer. Felt scolded (again) by the meanie school teacher. I hate him. Loooong way to go to indifference but better than the helpless 'in love' feelings from before.

 

MB, I'm D and have no RL or significant other to redirect my focus. Kids are older and independent.

 

Just didn't expect the severity of that pull to reach out to him. Nothing good came from that call except more shame and embarrassment. 7 years is a long time and it will be a while before I see some light.

 

Use his coldness to move yourself forward. This part is the hardest because your ego is taking a beating over how someone could be so cold after 7 years. You might feel like you don't matter. It is a horrible feeling.

 

One day, you realize you put your self-worth into someone else's hands, when they should've been in yours all along. And you realize their actions are a reflection of who they are, just as yours are a reflection of you. When you start focusing on you, you start to get that self-worth back. You get stronger.

 

You have setbacks. I still do. I still will.

 

I have my dignity now. I have self-worth now.

 

It may be awhile before you see the light, it may now. Have the mindset that you will just get through today. You won't think about yesterday or tomorrow, but just today. It helps. I promise. Do good things for others. Do good things for you...

 

Believe it or not, something that helps me is to write on this message board. I don't know if my posts are helpful or just full of ****. If I can just reach someone and show them I empathize and that it's okay and I survived this and so will they, it heals something inside of me. I know the pain. I know everyone's is different.

 

Affairs are ugly addictions. As a wayward, I'm judged way more than a drug addict or alcoholic would be. And that's fine. It's part of my growth. It will be yours as well.

[FoundMyStrength]

He was cold, hard and pointedly asked the question: what did you call me for. I didn't have an answer. Felt scolded (again) by the meanie school teacher. I hate him.

 

My affair was nowhere near as long as yours, so I always hesitate to weigh in on threads like these.

 

But what helped me move on was to remember times like this. Remember the sound of his cold, hard voice. Remember how, when you reached out at a vulnerable point, his reaction was to be cold and cruel. *That's* who he really is, and probably always was. You deserve better, WDID. So does his wife.

[burnt]

Nothing good came from that call except more shame and embarrassment.

 

Not true.

Something good did come from that call. But you will need some time to realize the blessing in disguise that came from that call.

In time, you will be thankful that you made the call.

 

In time, when the grief and the pain subside enough, you will gain another perspective; that is:

 

You made the call in a moment of utter helplessness and desperation with NO support system in your life.

 

He, on the other hand, is not only in a comfortable place, but actually in a much MUCH stronger place than ever before--because not only does he have his family by his side, but also YOUR help for SEVEN years to make himself stronger and happier and more connected to his wife--all at the cost of your pain for that many years.

 

BUT it is only now that you get the final proof--that in your worst moment of pain, he returns your call with COLD indifference, as if you are a sheer bother to his life of luxury and convenience.

 

So,

Remember This.

Remember This.

Remember This.

 

Remember how you felt hearing the sound of his cold voice at your moment of utter weakness.

Remember how you felt getting stabbed in the back by the man you loved for that many years.

Remember how you felt finally seeing his REAL face after so many years of pouring your heart to him.

 

In time,

it is this moment of brutal realization that will help you detach the last lingering attachments you still have to him.

 

You now know what he truly is under the superficial charm.

 

As another poster suggested,

despite the lack of support in your life, see if you can do some good and help out someone else in desperate need.

 

He creates pain in others who are already in pain.

So, you try to be someone who creates some touch of comfort in others who are already in pain.

Define yourself so that you are the exact opposite of him.

 

Hang in there.

It will take some time--but you will heal from this.

[Miss Clavel]

I know, I know. How much I've read here on how that's the worst thing to do...and I did it. Was at work, couldn't post my torment on LS, so I called him instead. .

 

you have an addiction. in order to prepare for these moments of weakness you have to learn some tools to get you thru. one tool i learned is to: H.A.L.T.

 

when you feel hungry,angry, lonely or tired you are vulnerable to having a "slip".

 

and you did.

 

and yes, you will have to start over but hopefully he will not call back and set your recovery back further.

 

the most important thing is to prepare ahead of time for those moments.

 

it's pretty basic when it comes to hungry, angry and tired. but feeling lonely...that's where you need a buddy or like you said the ability to get online, even during work and log in to LS.

 

if it were me, i'd have gone into the bathroom with my phone, put the seat down and sat there reading LS or texting someone who will listen until i felt stronger.

 

 

 

good luck

[wmacbride]

I hope this doesn't sound rite, but could you sign up to volunteer with a community group or other organization?

 

That way, you'll have something to keep your mind more occupied, you'll meet new " no tie to the affair" people and you may also find that you feel really good after helping others.

 

Another idea is to write him a letter every night. These are not to send, but to help you sort through all your feelings. Let everything out. All your hurt, anger and even the good stuff too. Once a week, review what you wrote and it will help you see that you are making progress, even if it seems really slow.

 

Also, make a plan for what you will do when you feel the urge to contact him, if he tries to get in touch with you. this way, you'll be able to feel a bit more in control of your situation. Don't forget to be kind to yourself and even reward yourself every time you reach another milestone, even if it's a small one.

[What_Did_I_Do]

Thank you all for your kind replies.

 

wmacbride - what a wonderful suggestion but I've volunteered so much in the past 15 years for so many great organizations, I'm simply burnt out and need a break. It was rewarding but came with severe consequences also (beginning of the end of my M as xH had no interest in joining me and really, really sadly is where I met xmm).

 

Reading here has become a way to bide time.

 

I'm out of the black hole...for today.

 

He's such an ***hole. I want to kick a pillow with his face on it!!

[Poppy47]

Poppy, do you now feel some peace post long term A? I'm not chasing the elusive "happiness" rainbow, just want peace.

 

I wouldn't have called him if I had the opportunity to cry but couldn't go into that meeting with red and swollen eyes. Held that emotion in and then channeled it in a bad direction. NOTHING good comes from affairs. If we could only turn back time.

 

I will PM you WDID

Poppy