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From Boy Friend To The Other Man

The Other Man / Woman The other side of the story: Support and discussion for those who find themselves involved with a committed partner.

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Old 17th October 2017, 9:09 PM   #16
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In reality the only one who can disrespect you is you.

You should block her and move on.

Being a doormat in this situation will just get you more of the same.
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Old 17th October 2017, 9:21 PM   #17
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I would say it is best to move on. Not only for you, but for her. I can understand her desire to want to be officially married if that was her original gameplan, especially after 10 years. In past relationships, I have quickly moved on in an attempt to mask my pains from the last relationship. I imagine she has moved on so quickly in an attempt to get you to wake up and do what she wants. It's really a sad attempt but it's from pain. Probably not as much "detachment" as she is trying to feign (especially if she still sleeps with you). If the marriage card was the dealbreaker and that is still something you don't want... do yourself a favor and walk away while you still can.

- somebody else who is deeper in the OW hole and wish I got out sooner.
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Old 17th October 2017, 9:59 PM   #18
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If you had a daughter, a little girl who turned into a woman and watched her stay with a man for 10 years without any hope of marriage, what would YOU advise her to do?

If a woman came to this site and said, she stayed with a man for a decade and asked for marriage repeatedly, asked for a committed relationship, but all he did was stay together and spend money on her, but never gave her that promise of being her husband, what would YOU advise her to do? Stay with him or leave him before she spends another decade in a relationship with a man who doesn't want to commit?

For most women, two things are typical:

(1) Marriage is more than just a legal document. It's a way for her feel "safe" in a relationship and find dignity and respect in her position. There is a difference in being a "girlfriend" and "wife". The position of wife comes with a lot of respect and emotional security and sense of permanence. "Girlfriend" is more like a temporary state, hopefully leading to something more committed. Very few women want to stay in the status of "girlfriend" forever. The second thing is most women also have a biological clock that men don't have to worry about as much. Biologically, there is limit to how long a woman can stay in a relationship without the prospect of marriage and possibly children. There is a difference between having an illegitimate child with a "boyfriend" and having a child with a "husband".

(2) For most women, out of genuine care, they tend to scream and shout about things that are concerning for a long time; but eventually when nothing changes, the letting go happens rather quickly. Please look up "wake away wife syndrome". I am getting the feeling that that's what your ex-girlfriend did--after trying for a decade, she finally gave up on you.

For her sake, I hope she finds someone who can give her what she wants--a committed relationship and the promise of marriage. It's clear that that's what she needs in her life. It sounds to me that she is having a hard time detaching herself from you because of the history. She did spend a decade hoping, dreaming and begging for a future with you. It is no surprise to me that she is mourning for the loss of her dream life and yet is forcing herself to move on because she had no other choice. I hope she stops seeing you completely, so that she can fully commit to the new relationship and I hope the new man can give her the happiness she has been searching for so long.

For your sake, it is also best for you to completely cut all contact, so that you can heal from the breakup. But to be perfectly blunt, you should also do some self examination, not just focus on building you up physically and emotionally.

(1) What made you stay in a relationship for 10 years, despite of seeing red flags? What will you do differently in your future relationships? You need to ask yourself what you need to learn from this mistake. That is, in the future, if you notice red flags, walk away, instead of sitting on the fence for that long lingering.

(2) Listen to the women you date in the future; they will usually tell you what they want and need. If you are not ready to give them what they need/want, they walk way before you both end up spending years heading on a dead-end road.

I hope my post doesn't come across as a criticism of you.
It's meant to suggest that you BOTH made mistakes by staying in a relationship, when clearly both should have recognized it should have ended long time ago. Now, sadly I think you both are hurting as a result.

It's not a "she's the bad one and you are good one". You both are loving, but just so unfortunately, not compatible.

I would suggest that instead of gradually ignoring her or playing mind games, ask her to meet in person one last time. Say all that you have to say; let her say all that she needs to say out loud. Peacefully end the relationship that needs to end for good. Do not stay as friends. It will do no good to either of you. You both need to move on.

I wish you the best.

I found this link to be very helpful: hope this helps you, as well, as you move forward:
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Old 18th October 2017, 4:32 AM   #19
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I want to thank all of you for taking time out of your day and to put your problems on the side to help a total stranger. I forgot to mention 2 things. 1. This exact situation has happened before 6 years ago, and 2. We still work in the same office for the same company.
When things like this happen both parties have made mistakes, but where this is different is that I wanted to work on them. Years back I suggested couples counseling, well that didn't go over to well. She said its was not a couple problem it was a problem with me and she also said that her depression is because of me. (I got blamed for everything that was wrong with us). I mentioned we should go talk to someone as individuals, not a couple, to work on our issues so we can be better for each other. Well I went for some time, but to my knowledge she didn't (things were messed up because of me). I believe people are a product of there up bringing. Where my up bringing with good communication but lacked the push for standing up for myself, which is why today I have low self esteem and let myself be a door mat. This is surprising due to my profession. She had a verbal abusive father and learned to keep all her feeling bottled up. Such a sad situation for us.
I truly loved this woman and still do. I always wanted this relationship to work because I could see past her faults and knew there was so much more of a person, but the only person I can fix is myself. I have never went through such great lengths to work on relationship problems, but in the end it is what it is. We are 2 total different people, I like to communicate and work on things and she will play the blame game. It hurts when I know she is with another man, makes me sick. I am not ready to get back out there. Im working on my physical, mental and emotion health because this can't and won't happen again.
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Old 18th October 2017, 2:39 PM   #20
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return the tickets.

do not pay for her to go with the new dude with your tickets.

have some respect for yourself.

NC and 180.

Cant return them, she has them both.
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Old 23rd October 2017, 9:55 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by hotwheels View Post
I have posted here before and received a lot of insight from others and I hope some can shed some light on my current situation. In my past post I talked about my mutual split from my ex girlfriend, how quick she became involved with someone else, how upset I feel etc... It has been only a month now since this started and I am working physically and mentally to better myself, but its hard. In this short amount of time she has moved on to another relationship that she said is different, they connect on a different level and that she loves him. My question is this, then why are we still spending time together and she still sleeping with me? She has told me that (her and I) connect on a physical level that is very intense, our passion over the las month has been one for the record books and that she still loves me. I still love her too and this is a problem for me. I still am not emotional over the split and her being with someone else so soon is tearing me up. I still need time to heal. In my mind I am still romanticizing our past relationship thinking one day it will great again. My heart and mind are in a epic battle here. My mind tells me this is so wrong on so many different levels, but get what you can and move on. My heart is still in love and tells me it is broken.

She said she still loves me for many reasons including our long history and also loves him. Is she that mentally detached from me to move on so quick?

One of 2 things need to happen here. 1. I win her back, she can't be 100% into her new relationship if she is still with me and commit to her or 2. Stop romanticizing about something that isn't there, get away from her. If she is doing this now it can happen again, why would I want that back in my life. It is emotional damaging to me etc...

Any help or opinions will be greatly appreciated. Thank You!
You might have chosen a path here that feels like a better starting point to healing your pain than it would be to completely break it off with her, but the end point in which you will ultimately land from this will be far worse. It is likely that nothing we say or do will make it any easier on you, and you will continue to do what you really want to - which obviously you want to keep her in your life right now. You will have to go through it for yourself to experience it, and we'll be on the other side when you eventually get there.
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Old 24th October 2017, 8:52 PM   #22
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Thanks Tuna. I do know that I will not rekindle a relationship with her. Some people are better at this than others, but this is tough for me. I have been conditioned over the years and it is hard to break that cycle. I have tried the NC and it works till she calls me. It will be ok one day.
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Old 30th October 2017, 5:24 AM   #23
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Up Date. I wasn't ready for the relationship to end even though deep down I know it needed to. Even though she has a new boyfriend her and I are still doing boyfriend and girl friend things: dinner almost every night, sex almost every day, helping her with things she needs help with and she continues to tell me she loves me. She has been more affectionate towards me over the last month than ever before in our relationship. THIS IS HAPPENING BECAUSE I LET IT! It is because I am not over her, and she knows it.

We spent the last 3 days together going out, talking and making love. She told me that our "QT" time is like nothing else she has ever experienced, I told her a lot of it has to do with the love I have for her fuels the passion.

2 days ago I took her to dinner and a night cap at my place. Convo at dinner was light, fun and playful until I asked her how her schedule looked for the week. She told me that she was going to a event (which she talked about going with me months ago) with her new guy and that she feels bad that they don't spend time together. Well, it FINALY hit me like a brick wall. On the way back to my place I couldn't even say a word and when we got back to my place for "QT", I couldn't do it. While holding me so close and tight she asked me what was wrong and why I was so quiet. I told her that I would talk to her, but till then I needed time to compose my thoughts.

She left soon after and later that night I get the I love you, whats wrong text. I replied by saying I loved her too and I needed some time before I talk. She responded by saying that she was sad.

What am I thinking and feeling? Used, not a priority, the fall back guy, angry that she can move on so fast, She said that she probably wouldn't like if I moved on with someone new. I am upset with her, BUT I HAVE NOBODY ELSE TO BLAME BUT MYSELF for letting it get this far.

My question is should I tell her what Im thinking, feeling and tell her Im finished with this arrangement? or just walk away without saying a word?

Thanks for you thoughts during this difficult time.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:44 AM   #24
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Call her. Tell her that you cannot give her what she wants (marriage) and you respect yourself too much to be her secret affair. Tell her that you and she both deserve to find happiness and that it won't be found together. Then wish her well and end the call. Keep it short and to the point.
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