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Ex AP got in touch with me


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Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.

This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

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I’m confused. Are the affairs his fault? Or are they the wife’s fault because he wasn’t feeling loved & adored and she wasn’t giving him the time, attention, and affection that he needs?

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Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.

This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

 

 

Don't pretend you didn't see his dark side. You knew it was there, as he was cheating on his wife with you. You were willing to look the other way.

 

Just like he can't blame you for the affair, you can't blame him. Accepting responsibility for your role doesn't equate to you being a bad person who enjoyed hurting his wife- it just means you made some pretty big mistakes- and that makes you human.

 

I can really empathize with wanting to understand why he made the choices he did, but in all likelihood, you never will Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward, as a wiser person. You have a whole lot going for you that you can offer to a relationship partner, and there are lots of men out there who would be thrilled to be with you and who won't hurt you like he did. Just use better judgement next time.

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I’m confused. Are the affairs his fault? Or are they the wife’s fault because he wasn’t feeling loved & adored and she wasn’t giving him the time, attention, and affection that he needs?

 

I'm saying don't blame a specific person. If it wasn't him or it wasn't her, it would have been someone else. He will always cheat. I know that I never will. My exhusband was gay. It was a completely different situation for me as there was no deception between my exhusband and I. My exhusband knew about my exMM and he even helped me with the relationship. I did learn that MM are off limits even if they tell you they are leaving their marriage.

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No, they don't cause the affair....but they have no problem partaking in it.

 

It's like saying, "I'm not the one who broke the window and started looting TV's....but hey, since the window is already broken, I'll steal one too."

 

I mean, it's not like this makes them paragons of virtue. Let's be real.

 

And as for blaming the BS...well, your character has to be scraping the underside of the bottom of the barrel to spew that shtick.

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Don't pretend you didn't see his dark side. You knew it was there, as he was cheating on his wife with you. You were willing to look the other way.

 

Just like he can't blame you for the affair, you can't blame him. Accepting responsibility for your role doesn't equate to you being a bad person who enjoyed hurting his wife- it just means you made some pretty big mistakes- and that makes you human.

 

I can really empathize with wanting to understand why he made the choices he did, but in all likelihood, you never will Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and move forward, as a wiser person. You have a whole lot going for you that you can offer to a relationship partner, and there are lots of men out there who would be thrilled to be with you and who won't hurt you like he did. Just use better judgement next time.

 

Not pretending. I really didn't see it. His wife is having the wool pulled over her eyes too. You haven't met someone like him and you haven't been in this type of situation if you think it's as simple as you feel it is.

 

I did learn that if he's currently married, even if he tells you the marriage is basically over, that is a lie. I won't get involved with another married man.

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Not pretending. I really didn't see it. His wife is having the wool pulled over her eyes too. You haven't met someone like him and you haven't been in this type of situation if you think it's as simple as you feel it is.

 

I did learn that if he's currently married, even if he tells you the marriage is basically over, that is a lie. I won't get involved with another married man.

 

Oh, I've met cads, I assure you. I've met cads that were wooing several women at the same time - women who KNEW each other! I've wasted time with boys like that.

 

It IS simple, unless they hide the fact that they are married. If they are married, the aren't free to date. So don't.

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I am really not quite sure what your really trying to say. If he lied to you and cheated on her its his fault. The moment you learned it was a lie you should have backed away. This is what decent people do. If you stayed involved with him once you learned he was lying to you about his situation then the blame now falls on you as well.

 

I hope you will reach out to his wife and let her know.

 

C

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I'm staying out of his life 100%. Reaching out to his wife would just add drama to my life and I am done with their drama. I also think it's possible she has accepted he is a cheater and has decided to be okay with that flaw in his nature.

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I am really not quite sure what your really trying to say. If he lied to you and cheated on her its his fault. The moment you learned it was a lie you should have backed away. This is what decent people do. If you stayed involved with him once you learned he was lying to you about his situation then the blame now falls on you as well.

 

I hope you will reach out to his wife and let her know.

 

C

 

I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.

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I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.

 

So is this your way of trying to alleviate guilt on your part? You are right he probably would have just went on to the next woman that would give him what he wanted. If you finally got away from him why would you accept his call? Why would you open yourself to him like that again?

 

What will you do with this new information now that you have it?

 

 

C

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I'm staying out of his life 100%. Reaching out to his wife would just add drama to my life and I am done with their drama. I also think it's possible she has accepted he is a cheater and has decided to be okay with that flaw in his nature.

 

Not if he still has access to speak with you about anything. A purely legal discussion would not involve anything regarding his personal life. Anonymous notification is possible.

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I also think it's possible she has accepted he is a cheater and has decided to be okay with that flaw in his nature.

 

OK, then if that is the case then no damage done if you tell her what she already knows.

The fact he is bragging about his new OW and slyly laughing about it to you, makes you complicit in the deceit.

 

I get you want to shirk away from the drama but try not to justify it by the usual OW/MM/AP excuse that the spouse knows but she is OK with it, or she just doesn't want to know...

Yeah right!

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The title of your thread implies that this is proof that you didn't start the affair. Who are you trying to prove this to? Yourself?? I don't get it. This is about your 4th thread here with you telling us how bad this guy is. You have no control over him. You only have control over yourself. Forget about him. Worry about yourself. Only then will you start to heal.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I am really not quite sure what your really trying to say.

 

The title of this thread is misleading, which is why I think people are having trouble understanding her point.

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CautiouslyOptimistic
I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.

 

You've finally realized you were nothing special, that there was nothing "special/magical/once-in-a-lifetime" about your connections. He didn't cheat on his wife because you were the angel on earth he couldn't keep away from. He's just a cheater. Period. This is what you're saying if I understand correctly.

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RecentChange

It takes two to tango.

 

If both are married, who is the "OW" or "OM"?

 

I was married, he was married. We started flirting, he was the first to make a proposition, and I accepted.

 

I had never cheated before, he claims he never had (and I years of knowing him, I have never seen any evidence to the contrary).

 

It's both of our faults. I can't blame him, and he can't blame me.

 

Equally culpable, equally guilty.

 

If I went on to cheat again, does that then remove his guilt? If he were to cheat again - does that mean my participation didn't count?

 

Come on' we are all adults making our own choices - own them.

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Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.

This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

 

Maybe in this case, sure. He seems like a serial cheater who will take the opportunity, not the person. But not all affairs are created equal.

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Yep they are the accomplice ;) and in my eyes just as guilty by association.

Not "just as guilty" b/c the OW or OM does not owe a single thing to the betrayed spouse. Is it wrong to date a married person? Of course. but the blame is NOT equal b/c the spouse made vows...the other person did not.

 

An accomplice is not the same as the principal.

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Not "just as guilty" b/c the OW or OM does not owe a single thing to the betrayed spouse. Is it wrong to date a married person? Of course. but the blame is NOT equal b/c the spouse made vows...the other person did not.

 

An accomplice is not the same as the principal.

 

OK but you are seeing this from the biased perspective of an OW. It is a popular view. "HE is the one breaking the vows, I am doing nothing wrong..."

 

BUT many people and not only BSs see it in a completely different way.

The MM/MW is married sure, but the OW/OM knew he/she was married and got involved anyway, so he/she has to shoulder an equal part of the blame.

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It takes two to tango.

 

If both are married, who is the "OW" or "OM"?

 

I was married, he was married. We started flirting, he was the first to make a proposition, and I accepted.

 

I had never cheated before, he claims he never had (and I years of knowing him, I have never seen any evidence to the contrary).

 

It's both of our faults. I can't blame him, and he can't blame me.

 

Equally culpable, equally guilty.

 

If I went on to cheat again, does that then remove his guilt? If he were to cheat again - does that mean my participation didn't count?

 

Come on' we are all adults making our own choices - own them.

 

Haha, personal accountability, something that should be common sense seems to be just an idealistic fantasy around here.

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whichwayisup
Ex AP got in touch with me due to a legal reason. Gave him the info he needed. Talked a couple minutes where he told me that he was continuing to work at winning back his wife and had also found another OW (which I had figured out previously). He laughed sarcastically about how his wife continues to monitor his phone and asks if him and I have made contact. He said how great it is that she is so obsessed about me, my phone number, etc., that she is clueless to the newer OW being present in his life. So very sad. I didn't say much. No need to.

This man turned out to be a completely different person than who I thought he was. How I missed all the red flags and patterns for 5 years is very disheartening and how his wife is being cheated on again but doesn't know is even more distressing. However, I'm not contacting her - he gets to keep his new secret. She never knew about his AP before me so why should she find out about the one after me. This guy comes across as a stand up citizen, great kids coach, attends faith services, hard worker and successful, volunteers, etc. You would never guess the dark side he has, and it's not just his temper.

 

As a woman, as a human being who can help another fellow human being, a woman, his wife you SHOULD tell her everything. Instead of harping some resentment towards her and inflicting your own pain on her, try helping. It's like you want her to suffer more because you suffered.

 

Maybe it'll bring you some peace. Reach out to her. You have nothing to lose.

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It is the WS who is responsible for the hurt to the BS. I agree with you there. Even if their AP threw themselves at them the onus was on the WS and them alone to say no!

 

It doesn't say much for the integrity of the AP for getting involved with the WS however - regardless of what he/she says about their marriage. If the AP can say 'not my marriage, not my responsibility' they presumably can't be hurt when the BS regards them poorly after the event.

 

If the WS simply moves along to a new AP after dday that must make both the BS and the AP feel pretty bad I would have thought - all it proves is that WS is a snake. It does not reflect either on the AP or the BS.

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I definitely take part of the blame but what I am saying is that if he had never met me, he would have found someone else to cheat with. At the time I met him, I wasn't looking to meet anyone. Hard to explain.

 

None of that matters, because he didn't ask someone else instead of you, he asked you, and you accepted.

 

Look, I get it makes you feel better to think of this as some sort of unique situation no one else could ever understand, but it's not. Pretty much any woman, and lots of men, will tell you they have been hit on by someone who was married. Many will also be able to relate stories of someone who was married but pretending to not be.

 

It happens. That doesn't make it special, unique or anything else. Thinking of it that way is actually harmful, as does seeing the affair as not being your responsibility.

 

 

He cheated n his wife. With you, you helped to hurt her, and it doesn't matter if it could have been someone else. It wasn't. It was you.

 

What that means is that you messed up, which makes you a human being. Better to learn from your experiences instead of trying to make it everyone elses fault, as you can only change your own behavior. You're not evil, you're not a terrible person and you stand every chance of moving ahead and, if it's what you want to do, finding a great person to love and who will love you back.

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Just because you don't 'owe' the BS anything doesn't mean you aren't responsible for your part in the affair or make it ok to hurt them. I mean, seriously? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes:

 

It's like I see a man screaming obscenities at his wife, using every hurtful word he can think of. He sees me there, tells me she's a horrible person who is so mean to him and asks me to join in. I look at her, think maybe she really is a bad as he says, so I start screaming at her too.

 

I didn't start it, I owe her nothing and shouting at someone isn't illegal.

 

None of that changes that I am hurting her, all by my own choice and hand. He is responsible for his share, and I am responsible for my decision to take part.

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