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When xMM moves on to another OW


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Just wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how did you feel?

 

I know I did the right thing in ending it and going NC but knowing that he's going to move on or has moved on to someone else brings up a lot of feelings for me. Anxiety mainly. Jealousy, that the next one will be treated better. A sense of injustice, that he isn't getting what he deserves. A feeling of loss, maybe. Maybe I'm not over it yet and haven't quite gotten to the point where I think "good riddance and good luck to the next one".

 

How do you get beyond this?

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I ran into a number of serial/concurrent MW's in my 20's and got through it by accepting that they are who they are and letting it go. Easy? Nah, not easy. TBH, looking back on that period many years later I knew instinctively what was going on but was purposely rejecting those instincts because of infatuation and reproductive drives, steeped in socialization to believe in and trust women. Comical, actually.

 

Obviously, I've got the genders switched here but the dynamic IME is pretty equal opportunity. The specifics may vary by person or gender but the impact potentials are pretty similar IMO.

 

One glaring takeaway I processed much later was the understanding that, not having had marked incidents of betrayal at a young age, whether in family or during peer integration, I didn't have the sense for it or the tools to process it and 'get over it' the way someone with more varied life skills in that regard might. Nowadays, no biggie. Humans are nice but replaceable. Billions around. We all like to think we're important. Life goes on.

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I haven't been there with an xMM, but with my Ex's ... the new women invariably got the fruits of all that was good that they learned from me.

 

Best to keep NC.

Edited by a LoveShack.org Moderator
language ~T
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Is gratitude appropriate?

 

Be grateful that you were strong enough to leave an unhealthy relationship, grateful for all you have learned about yourself and all you want from a relationship from this experience, and grateful that he is not your problem anymore... You know the drama and pain that is in the future for this woman - better her than you?

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starswewillnavigate

I think it all comes down to how you feel about yourself. If you have low self esteem and self worth, you're always going to ask "why wasn't I good enough."

 

You obviously have self worth, you walked away. I think Bailey is right, feel gratitude.

 

On a slightly different note...

I sometimes wonder if any of my xMM's xOW have posted here as well. It makes me think he can only cause pain.

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Just wondering if anyone has experienced this, and how did you feel?

 

I know I did the right thing in ending it and going NC but knowing that he's going to move on or has moved on to someone else brings up a lot of feelings for me. Anxiety mainly. Jealousy, that the next one will be treated better. A sense of injustice, that he isn't getting what he deserves. A feeling of loss, maybe. Maybe I'm not over it yet and haven't quite gotten to the point where I think "good riddance and good luck to the next one".

 

How do you get beyond this?

 

Time and sometimes more importantly a desire to get over it and come out the other side.

Some will wallow and feel "happy" wallowing and waste good years of their life wallowing in misery. Usually over people who didn't even want them in the first place.

We can't force people to want us or treat us well or right, they do what they want to do.

No point in grieving for the man you wanted him to be, he was not that man, was he?

He was simply a man who walked along the path of life with you for a while, but you chose a different path and you will be fine.

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BourneWicked

Ugh sorry Jah. When I'm trying to move on, I find it easiest to focus on what's wrong. If you were together, would you really have the same ideas on what to do on a Saturday morning? Would you want to watch the same movies? Would he bring you coffee in bed, or would he be sleeping in, recovering from a night of trying to pick up coworkers at the bar? Think of all the bad that wouldn't make the relationship work. Like, say, his lax boundaries.

 

Also... while you may have reservations about telling his wife, I don't think you should have any reservations about telling his new gf about his situation. Probably she thinks she's 'special' to lure him away from his marriage. Although this is a work situation, and might be delicate, if MM in my situation had any former relationships (I think yes, but I don't think they moved past EA) I wish someone had said to me, "Oh have fun with MM, he's really funny and wonderful to talk to, and does a really sweet sort of stalking that you will find quite enjoyable." Perhaps that would have been enough to keep me away. Perhaps you have an opportunity to save this new woman a pile of pain.

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FoundMyStrength
You obviously have self worth, you walked away. I think Bailey is right, feel gratitude.

 

Exactly. That's how I try to feel, jah. Your xMM, my xMM, they are just sad little men who never figured out how to be real men. He didn't respect you, he doesn't respect his wife, he won't respect this woman. She's just his new play thing. He finally got bored enough to find a new toy because you refused to play ball. We should ALL feel grateful to have these MM out of our lives.

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TBH, I was at the point a few months ago where I was ready to give up and give in to whatever he wanted from me. And then he did something so hurtful that I knew if I continued that it would be my complete and total abasement, and then I would be discarded. So I am grateful I got out before it got to that point. And I am grateful for all the good people on this board who have helped me tremendously over the past (nearly) year.

 

As a side note, I have decided to restart therapy again. I'm hoping it helps me be stronger.

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TBH, I was at the point a few months ago where I was ready to give up and give in to whatever he wanted from me. And then he did something so hurtful that I knew if I continued that it would be my complete and total abasement, and then I would be discarded. So I am grateful I got out before it got to that point. And I am grateful for all the good people on this board who have helped me tremendously over the past (nearly) year.

 

As a side note, I have decided to restart therapy again. I'm hoping it helps me be stronger.

 

Great idea on the therapy. It has helped me a lot. Someday, not today or even tomorrow, but someday, you will look back and know that he did you a huge favor by setting his sights on someone else. Know that. I believe that if you get yourself to a healthy place, this will happen. Right now you might feel rejected, like, why wasn't I good enough? But if you do, know that YOU are putting your self-worth into someone who just frankly does not deserve to have that much power. He's a jerk and all he did was hurt you. Know that a lot of your feelings are part of the addiction and ride them out.

 

You got out. You are getting stronger. He won't like that and will try to do things to hurt you because he's a sad, pathetic excuse for a human being. Wish him happiness (in your mind, of course because NO CONTACT) and also thank him for the lessons (also in your mind). I believe I've said this to you before and I know I have to say it to myself CONSTANTLY, but you know what? I'm believing it now.

 

This is a case where I will be proud to say I told you so. A year from now, if you keep growing and working on yourself, you will get there. I believe it. Just take a day at a time, though. Don't think about that year from now. Just think about getting through each day and loving yourself. Take care. You've come so far. Sometimes it isn't going to be easy, but YOU'VE got this! You've come a long way from where you were last year, so it's happening.

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MidnightBlue1980

I experienced this and it hurt a lot. It took him about 2 weeks after it ended to move on to someone else. It ended abruptly as my H called his W and he told his W I was crazy, etc, so it ended in a nanosecond. His wife believed him, so he was able to freely move on. I got to experience it in real time as I had the pleasure of watching him do the exact same things that he did with me. I was dealing with the aftermath in my personal life of the fallout plus getting to see exactly how little I meant literally right in front of my face.

 

I would get angry with him, which made me seem very sad and pathetic to him. He would get irritated with me as he had clearly moved on, why couldn't I? "Let's just be friends" was his line but I hated his guts more than I can convey here. The whole "I love you" thing is just a line and a game to these guys, something they use to basically get in women's pants.

 

You need to trust that karma gets these guys. You don't have to do anything. What you reap, you sow. You need to just move on with your own life, be thankful it is not you as his wife or his latest OW. You are free to create your own destiny.

 

For me, his wife busted into his phone, not sure what she saw but she did see him harassing me out of pure cockiness, thinking he was a god, and she made him go away. Poof. His freedom ended that day and the shackles went on him. I happened to see him once months later and he was a shadow of a man. Not arrogant or cocky at all. They all get theirs in the end.

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In my case, xMM would simply tell me about all of the women who threw themselves at him. Often, they were the women all of the other men wanted and he would ignore. He would tell me that these women wanted him, but he wanted me (this was supposed to make me realize my mistake in trying to push him out of my life). When I would remind him that he was married, he would respond as if his actual wife was an afterthought!

 

In having dealt with the experience and aftermath of being an OW, jealousy is there, but it is far down on my list when I think of him with another OW (though I will admit that it is VERY high on the list when I think of his wife! Which is crazy considering...).

 

I just think that 1) these women have NO IDEA what they are getting themselves into (they are in for some serious pain) and 2) he is setting himself up for failure if he thinks these women are not going to try to ruin him when he tires of them. I honestly feel he got lucky as I walked away quietly.

 

He was supposed to have learned his lesson and returned to being a faithful husband. I hope that all of that future OW talk was just talk and that he hasn't gone down that road... but if he has... oh well. He is his wife's problem.

 

As for how to get beyond this... well. I really appreciate the replies you've already received, but I want to share with you a blog post you've probably already read. It served to make me feel a TON better, and I remember it often.

 

One day at a time, jah526, one day at a time.

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In my case, xMM would simply tell me about all of the women who threw themselves at him. Often, they were the women all of the other men wanted and he would ignore. He would tell me that these women wanted him, but he wanted me (this was supposed to make me realize my mistake in trying to push him out of my life). When I would remind him that he was married, he would respond as if his actual wife was an afterthought!

 

I got the same thing too - "I could hook up with any of these beautiful women but I chose you". This kind of stuff really screws with your head, because you want to believe it.

 

As for how to get beyond this... well. I really appreciate the replies you've already received, but I want to share with you a blog post you've probably already read. It served to make me feel a TON better, and I remember it often.

 

Natalie from Baggage Reclaim is awesome. I frequent that site often but haven't seen that particular post.

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Bittersweetie

My MM actually dumped me for another OW. Because I "deserved more than he could give" and we would always stay "special friends." I was incredibly angry and upset because we were soul mates, how could he do this? I could understand if he went back to his wife, but another OW?

 

And stupidly instead of seeing him for what he was, I kept in contact because of course we had a connection that was special. And sure enough, after his OW and his wife dumped him (though I didn't know that until later) he came back. And I was so excited. Ugh, because then even more damage was done.

 

Be glad you are free from this man and don't allow him to do more damage to you. Therapy helped me a lot too, along with a lot of self reflection. GL.

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FoundMyStrength
The whole "I love you" thing is just a line and a game to these guys, something they use to basically get in women's pants.

 

You need to trust that karma gets these guys. You don't have to do anything. What you reap, you sow.

 

Yes on both counts. One of the more enlightening things about this was the response of my male friends. "Of course he told you he loved you. You wouldn't have done what he wanted otherwise." Men know what men do.

 

And yeah, I believe in karma. Both ways. I think I got some of it myself and I sure as h*ll hope some goes his way too.

 

And jah, your xMM deserves a sh*t ton of karma.

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Well mine told me he had one before me and he had to let go her even if both were ready to marry ( tell me more about how he was ready) because of his daughter.

 

.. after all of the things he went thru that women, he and her are still ‘friends’.. she is seperated, he stands married.

 

(She was still there)Next it was me...

 

I am sure there willbe someone after me but thankfully I am at a point where I say to myself ‘ he is what he is, his life’ I basically refuse to be a fallback for these kind of people ( men or women).. they respect no one but themselves. They fallback because they can bleed us dry not because they need help.

 

I was only there for 8 months...That previous women’s been and still is.. gosh, some serious self esteem issues because all he uses OWs is for his ego boosting. Poor exOW of his, and.. poor wife of his and poor future OWs of his. I feel bad for them but I am thankfull I aint part of the circus anymore.

 

Good Luck you are there.. just hold on... the light is near :)

Edited by freengreen
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Thanks for asking, Bourne. It's the hardest question for me to answer. Been up and down. Trying to keep myself busy, and that helps.

 

I am so confused about everything, wish I had answers. Maybe therapy will help some.

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try to think to your self your luck its not you now, i found affairs wasnt good for my mental heath. in time you will heal and move on but the ow will have deal with the same as what you are now.

 

hope thinks work out for you

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I guess what I'm struggling with the most is how people can hurt others, only think of themselves, and be able to sleep soundly at night. And not only that - have others think highly of them. This isn't the only area of my life where this is happening, and it's making me crazy.

 

I think it's hard to try to live a life of integrity when as the MM used to say, "everyone else is doing it".

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BourneWicked

I hear you. I had some similar thoughts... I might as well, because everyone else.

 

Thing is, everyone isn't. There are a lot of people who have good, strong monogamous relationships. There are others who follow a swinger lifestyle or something similar to incorporate the fact that they don't feel like being sexually "stuck" with the same person for the next fifty years.

 

Does the affair make you feel good? Does it make you a better person? Does it make you happy?

 

I guess I reached a point where it was feeling bad more than it felt good. Where I felt like I was only important when it was convenient. Did you relapse? I'm capable of a relapse at this point, but what I've realized from this is that I want someone who wants all of me, the good and the bad, nights and weekends. It's unfortunate because a little late, I've realized I probably didn't pick the right person to settle down with. But I picked a good person, a faithful person. The issues that MM has would not make him a great long term partner anyway, until he works those out.

 

Ugh.. anyway best of luck to you and keep posting on your journey.

 

And did he truly move on, or do you think you were overreacting? part of what happened to help me say no was believing similar, that he has a new start to an EA with a different OW. And then realizing, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter if he spends more time with another female coworker due to meetings, etc, than me, because it just doesn't matter. I shouldn't be worried if I'm fifth rather than fourth on his list of priorities, after wife, kids, and everything else he actually cares about. It doesn't f***ng matter

 

I'm having a bit of a rough time because it's losing a friendship too, to someone who's generally kind and funny and thoughtful. But - I'm clinging to certain things he did and said that bothered me, that showed lack of follow through, that showed how unimportant I really am in his life until I can get through the haze to the other side. I'm hoping to make it through, and when I am that it's like every other bad relationship decision I've had in the past, and I just don't care (beyond generally wishing him well) about what's going on in his life.

 

How does it go - experience is the best teacher? Boy do you learn... :)

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BourneWicked

Oh! And one other thing...

 

Maybe you spoke to this before, but I think it's important to identify why you crave this feeling. Why do you want to feel second best? Why does this painful longing feel like love to you?

 

Some people are love addicts, and like the unhealthy roller coast (I guess that's me). It took me some time to realize that MM seemed perfect compared to some more emotionally healthy people I've met in the past because he reminds me very much of my father in many ways. And, just like my father, he will never choose me.

 

Despite the bad of the affair, strangely I did work through some of my childhood issues with... enough that I have a stronger sense of self and self-esteem than I did prior. I'm hoping to translate that to stronger boundaries as well...

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Hi Bourne,

 

Thanks for your replies. No, I haven't relapsed. That addictive pull feeling has passed, and I no longer feel any desire to run and talk to him when I'm feeling low. I can pass him in the hallway and not acknowledge him at all. Without saying too much, I told my manager I don't want to be on a project with him and she reassured me that I wouldn't have to. Thankfully she didn't try to pry.

 

So, at least behavior patterns are changing and I'm adapting to a new normal. But internally I am still struggling. Someone in my family has recently screwed me over in a big way, and it seems like in various areas of my life I'm dealing with people like this - low-conscience, low-empathy people who run over others every chance they get and never seem to feel the effects.

 

I am learning from it though. Learning to stay away from toxic people, or at least minimize my interaction. I just need to do it sooner, rather than waiting for the 999th red flag to appear.

 

I know what you mean about missing the friendship. I was talking with someone about this the other day, and he said it's like this - someone gives you a piece of cake, and then punches you in the face. Do you think they're a good person? I'm keeping that analogy in mind, and it's helping.

 

I'm doing okay I guess, but I think I'm at the stage where I'm "feeling the feelings", and it's a little rough. Good luck to you also, Bourne.

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And did he truly move on, or do you think you were overreacting?

 

TBH, I don't know if he has. And honestly, if it were anyone else but this one person, I think I'd be ok with it. But I think the fact that he used her to triangulate with me makes me dread that outcome more. It must be dredging up FOO issues...

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BourneWicked

Jah I'm glad you're adapting. I'm kind of clinging to your story at the moment because I'm at the beginning of the separating part. The NC/LC at work truly is awful.

 

Sorry to hear about the bad family situation. Us sensitive types tend to take care of people who continue to disappoint and let us down. I agree you have to cut ties, but also agree that it's difficult. Especially when you see these people, and they call you or are entangled in your social network. It sucks too... I find that I'm drawn to the red flag/dramatic type. Like the "normals" are just boring. I'm trying to get away from that, and stop inviting the drama into my life. It's hard to go black and white when you're used to color. Never mind that the technicolor is featuring a horror movie...

 

Ironically re: the potential replacement OW, I think I'm feeling similar. I feel like she was a replacement for me, a new shiny toy who hasn't made the mistakes I have (or, I really hate to say, hasn't been 'easy' like me). The triangulation thing...! It makes me sick but I feel like I may have washed my hands of it. If only because I've said no, I'm not going to fight for your affections. In fact, I'm going to avoid you at all costs, thanks. A little curious about your FOO issues but feel free to elaborate, or not :) However, if I get stuck in a meeting with the two of them, I might just "pull the fire alarm" style find an excuse to leave. Because right now I'm feeling strong - but not that strong.

 

Glad you are hanging in there. Stay strong. You give me hope for me! Take care

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