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Old 23rd August 2017, 10:39 PM   #16
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I'd urge a measure of caution here, given the volatility of the situation. You haven't said what your husband is like, but if there's any chance things could get violent it might be better to have a third party (not the MM) present while delivering this news.

This would be a lot for anyone to handle emotionally, IMO.
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Old 23rd August 2017, 11:29 PM   #17
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I think you should go see a psychotherapist to figure out why you'd act so selfishly to put your needs above those of so many that you allegedly claim to love.

Unborn baby included.

Then figure out where to go from there.

Good luck. I have a feeling you're going to need it.
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Old 24th August 2017, 7:51 AM   #18
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op,
what do you want to do ? do you want to be a mom or do you think it would be better to wait?

If you do decide you want to be a mom, please don't do it just because you think it will keep this guy in your life. That's an incredibly big burden to place on some very tiny shoulders.

Assume you are going to be a single parent. Do you have the financial resources to raise a child? Do you have the support of fmaily and friends? Do you feel like you are in a stable place both mentally and in the rest of your life? How will you handle your child possibly being around his bs, because if he stays with his wife, that could very well happen.

I'm not saying any of this to imply you'd be a bad mom, because there is every chance you could be a wonderful parent, but you have to get your head out of the clouds.

If you do plan on keeping the baby, your first call ( after a obgyn) should be to a lawyer. Find out what your rights and obligations are, especially as you are already married. that will at least give you some knowledge and peace of mind.

Next, spill the beans to his wife. It's going to happen sooner or later if you decide to keep the baby. at least this way, you can be emotionally prepared for it. I'm not sure where you live, but the laws around child support in your area will be very important.

For example, this is from a Georgia law firm's website:

"under Georgia law, any child born to the wife during marriage is presumed to be the husband’s child. DNA testing, by itself is irrelevant. This issue must be legally addressed immediately."

https://www.shawlaw.com/my-wife-had-...or-that-child/
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Old 24th August 2017, 12:29 PM   #19
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If he is going to leave his wife !

And you your husband !

And a child now is in this mix

Why wait?

There is never a good time like right now !

Wanting to leave his wife and actually leaving her /seperating/divorce etc...is a very long road
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Old 25th August 2017, 8:57 PM   #20
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If you haven't read my thread, it might be worth a read.

I got pregnant by my MM 4 months ago. It was planned - his idea. It was the way we were going to be together. He changed his mind - back and forth several times. I had an abortion. That decision has haunted us every day since, especially when the abortion pill didn't work all the way and I had to have a D&C at the hospital anyway, some weeks later.

Every day I think about that baby and my hearts breaks all over again. But I don't know that we would have survived it and I would have been on my own. Are you prepared to do that? Because if he has been supportive and adamant that you will be together, why wait another day? You have his baby growing inside of you. Until he takes action, and tells his wife, assume you will be raising this baby by yourself. Are you okay with that? Are you okay with your child growing up knowing he/she was the product of an affair? Can you imagine what that does to a person's psyche growing up? These are the questions others here at LS asked me that made me think.

Selfishly I wanted the baby. I wanted that connection with my MM, I wanted something that was ours. But it was the realization that I would be dooming this child to a complete mindf*** of a home life if I had it. That isn't right. I could handle the heat. I couldn't bear the thought of an innocent child having to take it on.

Please. For the sake of this baby. He needs to tell his wife TODAY. Only then will you know - and still not 100% - that he is truly going to be a family with you.
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Old 27th August 2017, 5:07 PM   #21
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I had a baby with a married man. I dated him for 6 and a half years unknowingly that he was married and we were even engaged. I got pregnant and he never gave me a cent for support. After the baby was born ,he helped out with very little money compared to what I'm spending and after the first two months he bailed out. I finally blocked him and have been raising my son on my own. He has kept the baby a secret and I doubt his wife even knows. But you know what? I don't think he loses sleep over it. Over abandoning a child ,his own flesh and blood. And all this while he doesn't have kids with his wife. This man promised me heaven and lied so much. I sometimes wonder if I ever knew him at all. This baby doesn't deserve to pay for your mistakes. I am grateful I had the strength to go through the pregnancy because this child is my blessing. Do not expect him to be around and they all say they are leaving their wives...they never do.YOU are all this child has,make the right decision.Damage is already done please do not punish the child.
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Old 27th August 2017, 6:07 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
So you met a guy, and three days later he was willing to stick a knife ( proverbial) into the back of his bs and children?

Really think about that for a minute.

You can never ever EVER depend n this guy. Never. I say that because as soon as he's bored with you ( and I can assure, he told his wife the same-words he's not telling you).

Now you're pregnant. Your first step is to TELL YOUR HUSBAND. I mean no offense to you when I say this, but right ow, your feelings will have to take a back seat. Not to mention the fact that if you are still married when the baby's born,it could lead to a whole lot more heartache.

Next, sort out what you want to do Your decision should be based on what's best for the new baby, not your m and not you either. Normally, I would say that you should take all the time you need to grieve, but one of the first lessons you are going to learn as a parent is that you have to put your child first.

As for him not sleeping with his wife anymore? That is one of the oldest line in the cheater's handbook. He's likely telling her everyday how much he loves her. Do no believe him and don't think that just because you aren't still sleeping with your husband,he's not sleeping with is wife.

Right now, you have enough to worry abut without adding him to the pile. Rest, take care of yourself, eat well and move on.

My husband and I separated in November and he stayed in the same bed with me until he moved out (because I forced him to and he wasn't happy about having to move out)on 8/1...and yes, we slept together the whole time...snuggled and were intimate... the OW thought he slept in another room. So, don't believe that crap
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Old 27th August 2017, 6:10 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Tiana09 View Post
I had a baby with a married man. I dated him for 6 and a half years unknowingly that he was married and we were even engaged. I got pregnant and he never gave me a cent for support. After the baby was born ,he helped out with very little money compared to what I'm spending and after the first two months he bailed out. I finally blocked him and have been raising my son on my own. He has kept the baby a secret and I doubt his wife even knows. But you know what? I don't think he loses sleep over it. Over abandoning a child ,his own flesh and blood. And all this while he doesn't have kids with his wife. This man promised me heaven and lied so much. I sometimes wonder if I ever knew him at all. This baby doesn't deserve to pay for your mistakes. I am grateful I had the strength to go through the pregnancy because this child is my blessing. Do not expect him to be around and they all say they are leaving their wives...they never do.YOU are all this child has,make the right decision.Damage is already done please do not punish the child.
The baby is the one I feel sorry for in this while equation. The same holds true for the bs and any kids they have together. Married or not, this new little life needs a dad who actually cares, not a heel like him.

It sounds to me like, while you may be struggling emotionally, you are in a far better place to be a parent than he is. Build a support network for yourself and keep on being the best mom you can be. Your child will inherit your strength and thrive.

As for him...meh. Your child is probably better off with him far away.
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Old 28th August 2017, 4:02 AM   #24
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wow... it has been 5 days since i posted and **** has hit the fan in every single way possible.

I did not have a chance to come back here to read all the replies after I first posted.. but i very much appreciate every single one of you who took time to reply, be it the "hard truth" or the really nice and understanding well wishes.

so.

both of us exposed to our respective spouses over the weekend. my world has overturned overnight.

when writing my first post i was emotionally shaken.. at the uncertainty of our future. trust me all the doubts pointed out here, i went through it 10x in my head. previously i read all the other threads.. where MMs backtracked and lied and basically throw the ow in front of the bus. and i never forgot that this could very well happen to me too.

last thursday we went for my obgyn visit again, there is some problems with my blood test..my health requires close monitoring and medication throughout the pregnancy(about this point mentioned by some, MM or not, there is no way i will not keep the baby. I am financially capable of raising a child..).

after coming out from obgyn with news that its too early to see how im responding to meds...that it could possibly need further intervention in future. i was very worried if the pregnancy could be affected. MM first's response was telling me that at the moment first priority is me, and it might sound heartless but the unborn child definitely comes second place at the moment if its at the expense of my health. and his main concern now is to make sure that i am well.

i started crying.. frankly i was trying to hold it back for the longest time. This whole situation was making me very sad, humiliated... and helpless. I couldnt stop feeling like I was a huge sinner walking into a disaster.
so i told him that.. that we should not drag this any longer. to my surprise, he agreed. that there's no point waiting for first trimester if we were gonna leave sooner or later anyway. we discussed the how to do it. and decided to do it alone separately. He started tearing a bit when he mentioned his child. i truly do know how sad it is, i am not a mother yet, but i cant even imagine this. my heart was so weak just thinking of the backlash.. im a coward i know. we decided to do it over the weekend.

long story cut short. On saturday, I told my husband that there is someone else and we need to end our marriage. i am in the wrong and i shouldnt lie to him anymore. he took it hard, obviously. i was freaking out because it was so hard to confess. we dont live together so it was easier afterwards in a sense, I went home after telling him- basically he was very very shocked, my heart broke. i cried and cried. he's not a bad guy. i am. and he deserves someone who truly loves him. but anyway. i did it. i DID NOT tell him I am pregnant. it is impossible that baby is his, because we havent had sex in a long time. I think it would have been a huge blow if he know right now.

as for MM.. he told the wife on sunday. they were separated once before, so the legal process was not unfamilliar for them. she asked if there is someone else and he said yes. maybe he downplayed everything to me. but the gist is we both told. and things are definitely proceeding- at least definitely on my side. I got an attorney too- just to do the annulment process. (its complicated, but i can get an annulment because we were married for relatively short time, not living together.. and marriage not consumated etc etc.. my attorney is sorting it out for me).

mm has another property, an apartment that he owns. and he is making plans to move there as the current tenants lease is expiring soon. he needs to tell his child and it is killing him, but i leave that to him.

i told my family (mom, dad and sibling).. and i was so damn scared of the disappointment. reactions wasnt approving but it wasnt discouraging. they were concerned about how others are gonna see me.. mom was crying.. i was crying. and about my health.. and mixed feelings about the pregnancy. all i know is that no matter what they are by my side. (i stay with my family instead of husband throughout our short marriage.. )

Im still in a mess, but amidst all, i feel much better that things are processing. i dont know whats the "right thing" to do at this moment. but i hope maybe years down the road we can safely say we tried our best.

still freaking out. and having bad morning sickness nausea all day long.

thanks all again for the kind responses.....
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Old 28th August 2017, 6:13 AM   #25
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Originally Posted by gonnabeflamed View Post
thanks all again for the kind responses.....
You did not mention that you and your husband did not live together and the marriage was never consummated. That is a big omission. I definitely think you did the right thing and you can move on with your life, especially if you qualify for an annulment.

I don't want to be the bearer of bad news and I hope things work out with the mm but I'd lean on my family, not him too much. Since he's far away, has a child and has already separated and gone back to his wife it is not unreasonable that his wife would ask him to work things out again. Are one of you planning to move to where the other is?

The right thing for now is to just focus on your health and the baby.
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Old 28th August 2017, 6:17 AM   #26
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Sorry, I mixed you up with another poster where she is pregnant and the mm is far away.

In any event though, I'd still lean on my family and just wait and see what the mm does.
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Old 28th August 2017, 7:12 AM   #27
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wow... it has been 5 days since i posted and **** has hit the fan in every single way possible.

I did not have a chance to come back here to read all the replies after I first posted.. but i very much appreciate every single one of you who took time to reply, be it the "hard truth" or the really nice and understanding well wishes.

so.

both of us exposed to our respective spouses over the weekend. my world has overturned overnight.

when writing my first post i was emotionally shaken.. at the uncertainty of our future. trust me all the doubts pointed out here, i went through it 10x in my head. previously i read all the other threads.. where MMs backtracked and lied and basically throw the ow in front of the bus. and i never forgot that this could very well happen to me too.

last thursday we went for my obgyn visit again, there is some problems with my blood test..my health requires close monitoring and medication throughout the pregnancy(about this point mentioned by some, MM or not, there is no way i will not keep the baby. I am financially capable of raising a child..).

after coming out from obgyn with news that its too early to see how im responding to meds...that it could possibly need further intervention in future. i was very worried if the pregnancy could be affected. MM first's response was telling me that at the moment first priority is me, and it might sound heartless but the unborn child definitely comes second place at the moment if its at the expense of my health. and his main concern now is to make sure that i am well.

i started crying.. frankly i was trying to hold it back for the longest time. This whole situation was making me very sad, humiliated... and helpless. I couldnt stop feeling like I was a huge sinner walking into a disaster.
so i told him that.. that we should not drag this any longer. to my surprise, he agreed. that there's no point waiting for first trimester if we were gonna leave sooner or later anyway. we discussed the how to do it. and decided to do it alone separately. He started tearing a bit when he mentioned his child. i truly do know how sad it is, i am not a mother yet, but i cant even imagine this. my heart was so weak just thinking of the backlash.. im a coward i know. we decided to do it over the weekend.

long story cut short. On saturday, I told my husband that there is someone else and we need to end our marriage. i am in the wrong and i shouldnt lie to him anymore. he took it hard, obviously. i was freaking out because it was so hard to confess. we dont live together so it was easier afterwards in a sense, I went home after telling him- basically he was very very shocked, my heart broke. i cried and cried. he's not a bad guy. i am. and he deserves someone who truly loves him. but anyway. i did it. i DID NOT tell him I am pregnant. it is impossible that baby is his, because we havent had sex in a long time. I think it would have been a huge blow if he know right now.

as for MM.. he told the wife on sunday. they were separated once before, so the legal process was not unfamilliar for them. she asked if there is someone else and he said yes. maybe he downplayed everything to me. but the gist is we both told. and things are definitely proceeding- at least definitely on my side. I got an attorney too- just to do the annulment process. (its complicated, but i can get an annulment because we were married for relatively short time, not living together.. and marriage not consumated etc etc.. my attorney is sorting it out for me).

mm has another property, an apartment that he owns. and he is making plans to move there as the current tenants lease is expiring soon. he needs to tell his child and it is killing him, but i leave that to him.

i told my family (mom, dad and sibling).. and i was so damn scared of the disappointment. reactions wasnt approving but it wasnt discouraging. they were concerned about how others are gonna see me.. mom was crying.. i was crying. and about my health.. and mixed feelings about the pregnancy. all i know is that no matter what they are by my side. (i stay with my family instead of husband throughout our short marriage.. )

Im still in a mess, but amidst all, i feel much better that things are processing. i dont know whats the "right thing" to do at this moment. but i hope maybe years down the road we can safely say we tried our best.

still freaking out. and having bad morning sickness nausea all day long.

thanks all again for the kind responses.....
Telling your h was the right thing to do ...break up are hard but eventually people get over it .

Focus on you /Your health /and baby and have a happy and healthy 9 months .

Please do update us the mm has followed through on his side with the divorce .
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Old 28th August 2017, 7:33 AM   #28
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Just wanted to wish you good health. Take care of yourself and your baby.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 3:31 AM   #29
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update

Hi all, and to some who replied previously, thanks very much for the advice and for going easy on me.

Im still pregnant, and due in 3 more months (baby girl! scans were perfect and after initial misgivings, I now honestly cannot imagine not wanting my soon to be born child, despite all the drama and how we started. i think maternal instincts has officially kicked in full on mode.)

Anyway, MM went ahead with a speeded up divorce procedure (basically accepting all terms laid out by soon to be xw), their best interests is in their child. From where we are from, under the law- there is a 3 years separation needed for divorce to proceed, but both parties lawyers agreed to signing off that separation started more than 3 years ago (fact that they were sleeping different rooms for years, and communicating only with regards to needs of child). so the divorce should be finalized within this couple months as the final papers has been signed off by both parties and only pending a procedural approval and judgement by judge.

My annulment was done in 3 months. I didnt expect it to go so smoothly, honestly. but I had a lawyer friend who works at a big firm and got her family law boss to see me and after a thorough outline, annulment filed based on marriage unconsummated. Had a hard time with xh and I truly felt like ****, furthermore I was showing and had to tell him I was pregnant. I wish I can apologise to him a thousand times, but I never felt more "right" than I ever did in my life, when the annulment was finalised. At that time MM's divorce was in process and i was frankly prepared to be a single mom if he did not follow through like so many of you have 'warned' me about.

but he did. and i won't say we are gleeful or glad, under such circumstance. but with a child on the way and communication between us still always being so open, honest and unconditional, I can't help but be hopeful. He did what he should and could and I wish we can make it all up to the people we hurt but still have a shot at happiness ourselves too. Despite all the stress we both went through, I have never felt more loved and supported the past months. every little thing was discussed and done with me as priority, and he took steps to ensure I have family support and help for when the baby is born.

with all this out of the way I am largely focused on preparing being a first time mum and honestly im so nervous and scared about how the future will be like, but i really hope i can bring my child up the best I can.

thanks everyone once again..
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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:44 AM   #30
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Anyway, MM went ahead with a speeded up divorce procedure (basically accepting all terms laid out by soon to be xw), their best interests is in their child. From where we are from, under the law- there is a 3 years separation needed for divorce to proceed, but both parties lawyers agreed to signing off that separation started more than 3 years ago (fact that they were sleeping different rooms for years, and communicating only with regards to needs of child). so the divorce should be finalized within this couple months as the final papers has been signed off by both parties and only pending a procedural approval and judgement by judge.
So dad divorcing and breaking up his first child's family is
acting in the best interest of his child.

The way a dad treats his first child is an indication of how
he is going to treat his second child.
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