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Well, she moved out and is getting a divorce


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Now what!? Lol

 

Ive known this girl for almost 10 years now. We used to live together. We were in a long relationship, etc. We were younger and stupid and it did not work out. Very hard on both of us. But she is the love of my life. We are different people now. Though she ended up getting married a couple years ago and I thought that was it. But a year after her getting married she found me and immediately we started an affair. Never took myself for that guy, but I guess I was wrong. Hot n heavy, love talk, and she was miserable in her marriage to which she rushed into. She talked about divorce in Jan and about us starting a family together.

 

Back up a bit he found out about us after 10 months in. He stuck around. We tried to stop but couldnt. The last few months have been hard on me. The sex was fewer and far between than before after a year of newness wearing off and he found out and as we all know as the other person after a while the notion of your love in a nothers persons bed is rough. Its been a bit messy as of late and i can sense a bit less attraction towards me lately.

 

Anyway, her husband caught us sitting next to each other at a ball game last week. The next day she told him she is moving out and wants a divorce. Immediately per her request i set her up with my best friend to start a job making triple what she made before. Something we always talked about but couldnt execute because of the closeness it would bring her into my circle while being married and he knew of me. Now its happening. Would she take this job knowing we werent going to work out? Its my best bud she will be working for. So she moved out within a week and is now on her own. Divorce ongoing last we spoke. We hung out a few times since everything was progressing had a great dinner on Monday w my bro n law. She is close w my friends and fam. Ii called her next morning. Then i called again on Wed but now she didnt answer and never called back. I can tell she is being distant. Again, I havent been a great source of attraction the last few months again as its been hard on me. Not being myself, etc.

 

So im hooking her up with a great job and that process is ongoing. Has her own place now. But I havent heard from her in a couple days which is unlike us. And I can see she isnt looking at my snaps like before. Is this to be expected? Hot n cold?

 

My worry is now that she is free that she will end up with someone else after me being in an affair restricted relationship for so long and will now have a great job working for my best bud but sleeping with somone else. She is a 10 in my eyes on the attraction scale. But i dont know how well i would take her ****ing others while working so close w my bud.

 

I dont want to pressure her in any way. I told her i will be here for her as much or as little as she needs me. Do we have a talk about our plans or just go light and lovey and fun when things happen naturally?

 

Just trying to get out of my own head and not hurt the situation any further. But I love her and want to move forward and the unknown now from change is going to be rough.

 

Perhaps im overthinking and need to expect the bumps in the road at this time. And let her come to me? End rant.

Edited by OMSich
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I'm going to say some things to you that you're not going to want to hear. If you don't want to read stuff that's going to hurt, skip right over this.

 

Very few relationships that start as an A go anywhere. The stats are out there, but, if you read them, starting from an A, getting to "happily married" and staying there (not divorcing) is exceptionally rare. Happens so rarely that you might as well not even consider it as a possibility (I know that's hard, but the stats are what they are) when you enter into one; think to yourself, this will not end in marriage.

 

Your AP ended her primary relationship. To you, it seems totally normal that you'd pick things up and keep going. To her, she just lost something very important to her (her husband) and everything he provided. Yeah, I know, she probably told you he was worthless/mean/etc. Fact is, he very likely wasn't, and he also very likely gave her a lot of things that she needed in a relationship. Just not all the things she needed (hence, you, and the affair). So now she sits, preparing to lose all the things her husband provided, and looking not for someone to ADD to her primary relationship, someone to REPLACE what her husband brought to the table. And that person, sadly, very well might not be you. Let me reverse the genders to not offend, it's a lot of fun for guys to carry on an A with a 20 year old college girl who's entire relationship experience comes down to drunken sex. It's another thing entirely for that same guy to marry that 20 year old because there's a whole lot his wife has that she doesn't. He's in the A with her to have more sex, more fun to be a different person. But, if his W finds out and leaves? Chance of him getting serious with that 20 year old? Almost 0. And this is nearly always the case (not always though, and others here have the other side of the story that I'm sure they will share).

 

If it were me, I'd move on. You might be able to negotiate a FWB situation with her, which, frankly, might be better for you anyway because this woman has already shown herself to be a cheater, and even if you do marry her, chances are very good you'll be the guy she has "no love for" sitting at home while she's having an A with a new guy.

 

If you really want to pursue her, stop what you're doing. Read some books on attraction and pick up. What you're doing is dead wrong; you don't wait around for her, go get busy living your life. If she wants to come back to you, let her, if not, too bad. Outcome independence is about the sexiest thing in the world to many women. And what you're doing is the female equivalent of not shaving your legs or brushing your teeth for a month. Your actions, no matter how she felt during the A will push her away.

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somanymistakes

I'm more optimistic, but I'm going to say that she needs time.

 

She's been married to this guy for a while, right? Even if it wasn't a great marriage, even if she wanted out, even if she chose to leave, even if she was 100% certain it was the right thing to do, it's STILL a shock. It's a big change. She needs time to recover and take stock of what she just did and the changes she's going through.

 

Don't try to move her straight from her old life into your perfect future. She needs to figure a lot of things out. She needs to not JUST choose to leave him, but SEPARATELY needs to choose to be with you.

 

Back off. Look after yourself. Don't count on her, don't follow her around with puppy eyes, don't excitedly proclaim that now at last you can be together. She's in the danger zone right now, not all divorces are completed, she may panic and change her mind.

 

Do something else for a bit, keep yourself busy, let her know that you'll be busy doing this other thing and you'll catch up with her again in a bit. Give her some breathing space.

 

Don't fret about the stats (a lot of them are fake anyway) but do look at the situation as it is. This is a big stressful transition for her, and it can be awfully stressful for you, too, if you tangle yourself up in the process.

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I'm going to say some things to you that you're not going to want to hear. If you don't want to read stuff that's going to hurt, skip right over this.

 

 

If you really want to pursue her, stop what you're doing. Read some books on attraction and pick up. What you're doing is dead wrong; you don't wait around for her, go get busy living your life. If she wants to come back to you, let her, if not, too bad. Outcome independence is about the sexiest thing in the world to many women. And what you're doing is the female equivalent of not shaving your legs or brushing your teeth for a month. Your actions, no matter how she felt during the A will push her away.

 

Thank you. I do need to hear this. Facing my fears of what most likely will happen (according to odds) is why I am here. We don't always get what we want. But just wasnt expecting this cold shoulder out of nowhere. I was reaching out too much initiating i think. But i was doing it to show support was my "justification"

 

I know the rules of attraction. I know the game. I know women. But execution has been lacking lately and No excuses but this has been a rough ride for me after the initial 10 months where so glorious and ive slipped. So that changes today, is my goal.. Im headed to Cabo w buds and work is busy, and I am going to do all the things I need to do to be a man and let her come to me if she decides to. We have sooooo much history. I doubt it ends here. Ill keep posted as i move forward as a man pursuing my purpose and see how she comes or goes. But Im not waiting.

 

Reminds me, her friend says to me the other day... shes NOT going to date you if you are pursuing other women. Ive always been mysterious with my other ongoings w other girls. I know it bothers her. But this sounds like waiting to me.

Edited by OMSich
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I'm more optimistic, but I'm going to say that she needs time.

 

She's been married to this guy for a while, right? Even if it wasn't a great marriage, even if she wanted out, even if she chose to leave, even if she was 100% certain it was the right thing to do, it's STILL a shock. It's a big change. She needs time to recover and take stock of what she just did and the changes she's going through.

 

Don't try to move her straight from her old life into your perfect future. She needs to figure a lot of things out. She needs to not JUST choose to leave him, but SEPARATELY needs to choose to be with you.

 

Back off. Look after yourself. Don't count on her, don't follow her around with puppy eyes, don't excitedly proclaim that now at last you can be together. She's in the danger zone right now, not all divorces are completed, she may panic and change her mind.

 

Do something else for a bit, keep yourself busy, let her know that you'll be busy doing this other thing and you'll catch up with her again in a bit. Give her some breathing space.

 

Don't fret about the stats (a lot of them are fake anyway) but do look at the situation as it is. This is a big stressful transition for her, and it can be awfully stressful for you, too, if you tangle yourself up in the process.

 

I appreciate your optimistic outlook. I do need to be more positive just in general. Power of positive thought in this crazy life we live. Im too hard on myself at times.

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pheonixrisen

Don't want to rain on your parade

 

Have you considered this

 

A woman who is unhappy and sees an affair as a way out ..needs to first get her self right by seeking counselling/ therapy to sort out all the things that were making her unhappy .

 

Because when instead of tackling that first you choose the wrong route ..you are going to end up in a endless cycle of that behaviour.

 

What happens when a few years with you something you do is making her unhappy ..she is going to go the affair route ..you could easily be the husband then .it would not be funny

 

Let her fix herself first .her situation may have changed .but she has not.

 

Or have you thought the reason why she is distant because she is also going out with her h ...moving out on your h and actually applying to seeing a divorce through is a long road ...people change their minds all the time

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Don't want to rain on your parade

 

Have you considered this

 

A woman who is unhappy and sees an affair as a way out ..needs to first get her self right by seeking counselling/ therapy to sort out all the things that were making her unhappy .

 

Because when instead of tackling that first you choose the wrong route ..you are going to end up in a endless cycle of that behaviour.

 

What happens when a few years with you something you do is making her unhappy ..she is going to go the affair route ..you could easily be the husband then .it would not be funny

 

Let her fix herself first .her situation may have changed .but she has not.

 

Or have you thought the reason why she is distant because she is also going out with her h ...moving out on your h and actually applying to seeing a divorce through is a long road ...people change their minds all the time

 

Worst parade ever haha. I appreciate your thoughts. Ive often wondered if I could trust her long term no doubt. Is she truly ready? But I believe there would have to be a clean slate of trust, and if something happens then deal with it.

 

Something has certainly changed the past few days. Could be she just needs a little space. Is it because im going on a trip to Cabo w buddies and she is paying games? Could be the H? Dont know. But i do know her and my sister were texting yesterday and she was claiming how happy she is to be doing this so she can shine again.

 

Just weird. She was coming out to my friends pool party last Sat. Talking about us all taking trips together. We talked about her being fertile, kids, etc. She called to go out on Monday w my bro n law who was in town and we hit a bunch of places up. Talked to her the next morning and she was stating how amazing the night was before. But was pretty short cuz movers were arriving, and i could tell a bit not interested in conver. Then called two days later and nothing. And its unusual for her not to look at my snaps. She said last week thats the only reason she gets on. I just dont know whats up. And if she doesnt end up taking the job w my buddy then i think we would know if H is back in plans. Either way, this has all taken place over the last week.

 

Im also trying to process it all. But know I need to be a man and do what i need to do and let her come to me. I wrestle w checking in on her in a week or two if i dont hear from her, etc. or if that appears weak amd weakems attraction..

Edited by OMSich
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Did she say I'm out I want a divorce OR did her husband throw her out? Same outcome but very different mindset. For most people rejection make them work harder. The fact that you say you haven't heard from her and it being uncommon, I betting her husband tossed her and she has redirected her energy there.

 

Listen, cheaters lie, they lie to the spouse, to the affair partner to family to themselves. Why the other person refuses to grasp that astonishes me.

 

I'm affraid her behavior doesn't match her story

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Whether she left of her own accord or had a push, who knows?

But as she is deliberately ignoring you, she is either reconciling and has promised not to contact you or she is regretting her decision to leave and is backpedalling frantically, or she is just revelling in her new found freedom...

 

As things were cooling off with you before she left her H, is it possible there is another guy in the mix?

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Did she say I'm out I want a divorce OR did her husband throw her out? Same outcome but very different mindset. For most people rejection make them work harder. The fact that you say you haven't heard from her and it being uncommon, I betting her husband tossed her and she has redirected her energy there.

 

Listen, cheaters lie, they lie to the spouse, to the affair partner to family to themselves. Why the other person refuses to grasp that astonishes me.

 

I'm affraid her behavior doesn't match her story

 

She told him she was moving out and did so right after. And he still wanted to work things out. Hes been really and honestly very great about everything despite busting us again. She is way out of his league and i know he wants to keep her no matter. Shes been contemplating leaving for some time. Perhaps she is making it all up and reversed the story but I honestly dont think so. Her distance only happened just recently. She immediately would have redirected her energy to him in this sceraio I would think.

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Whether she left of her own accord or had a push, who knows?

But as she is deliberately ignoring you, she is either reconciling and has promised not to contact you or she is regretting her decision to leave and is backpedalling frantically, or she is just revelling in her new found freedom...

 

As things were cooling off with you before she left her H, is it possible there is another guy in the mix?

 

That last part I honestly do not know. She is extremely beautiful and has suitors everywhere she goes.

 

Its been since Tuesday morning suince we spoke last.

 

Am I an ******* for not wanting her to have this job w my best friend if indeed there is nother man?

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pheonixrisen
That last part I honestly do not know. She is extremely beautiful and has suitors everywhere she goes.

 

Its been since Tuesday morning suince we spoke last.

 

Am I an ******* for not wanting her to have this job w my best friend if indeed there is nother man?

 

No you are not ...you are just another guy looking after your own interest ;)

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Am I an ******* for not wanting her to have this job w my best friend if indeed there is nother man?

 

Not at all.

If this is indeed over then you are well within your rights to not want her to work with your best friend, that would just be too awkward not only for you but for him too.

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Well.. she still has to file for divorce and go thru the legal process.. that could take years depending on the parties involved and having a BF while going thru a divorce, especially right now wouldn't look good in court.

 

all that being said... I'd bet 100-1 she is reconciling with her husband or at least letting him think that while she builds a new life... without you...

 

I would go about your life without her and if she wants you to be part of her life she will bring you in.

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I wouldn't setup her up any further with the job and honestly if you can throw water on that you might do that..

 

It sounds like you reacted too quickly setting her up.. don't let her use you in that way.

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She has just made a major life change.

 

Before I would start setting her up in a job or making future pans with her I woudl insist that she attend some counseling so she can learn better ways of coping than having an affair.

 

She may well be a wonderful person who will never cheat again, but it best to do what you can to CYA.

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No you are not ...you are just another guy looking after your own interest ;)

 

Hahaha... touche.

 

Perhaps I did act too quick on the jobby job deal. But we were at happy hour, she asked, and I acted. Oh well. As my buddy said... her job is contigent on how happy my penis is. :D He was only half serious Im sure but a good friend none the less.

 

Good news is im in Cabo and its time to stir up some sh*t :)

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Hahaha... touche.

 

Perhaps I did act too quick on the jobby job deal. But we were at happy hour, she asked, and I acted. Oh well. As my buddy said... her job is contigent on how happy my penis is. :D He was only half serious Im sure but a good friend none the less.

 

Good news is im in Cabo and its time to stir up some sh*t :)

 

Or.......or how happy your best friend penis is!! Your best friend is a guy, and if your girlfriend(?) is as hot as you claim, he going to try to tap it! You see, now that she's moved out and divorcing......every swinging dick is fair game!!!! Your just gonna have to wait your turn.

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Or.......or how happy your best friend penis is!! Your best friend is a guy, and if your girlfriend(?) is as hot as you claim, he going to try to tap it! You see, now that she's moved out and divorcing......every swinging dick is fair game!!!! Your just gonna have to wait your turn.

 

Well then, guess ill just have to start picking off her friends!

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pheonixrisen
Well then, guess ill just have to start picking off her friends!

 

And then you will be back to square one all those years ago this time older and still stupid :D

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Good news is im in Cabo and its time to stir up some sh*t :)

 

The big problem with the conversion of an affair to a real relationship is that the married person may not see the AP as actual relationship/marriage material.

I see time and again OMs and OWs feeling the need to "even the score". They do not like that the MW/MM has their spouse, so they date or sleep with others.

They are trying I am sure sometimes to force hands and induce jealousy, but that only serves to take them out of the "serious relationship" box in the eyes of the MM/MW.

They are then devastated when the married/attached person does leave their SO, and doesn't then choose the AP to go forward with.

 

I believe despite the affair many married people are actually pretty conservative/traditional in their thinking and so when looking for a new partner they want one they can trust. An AP who spent time in the affair dating others and generally fooling around, is NOT then someone they want to be involved long term with.

 

I am sure you want to blow off some steam in Cabo, but do not be surprised if it does you no good in trying to persuade your MW to give you a chance.

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The big problem with the conversion of an affair to a real relationship is that the married person may not see the AP as actual relationship/marriage material.

I see time and again OMs and OWs feeling the need to "even the score". They do not like that the MW/MM has their spouse, so they date or sleep with others.

They are trying I am sure sometimes to force hands and induce jealousy, but that only serves to take them out of the "serious relationship" box in the eyes of the MM/MW.

They are then devastated when the married/attached person does leave their SO, and doesn't then choose the AP to go forward with.

 

I believe despite the affair many married people are actually pretty conservative/traditional in their thinking and so when looking for a new partner they want one they can trust. An AP who spent time in the affair dating others and generally fooling around, is NOT then someone they want to be involved long term with.

 

I am sure you want to blow off some steam in Cabo, but do not be surprised if it does you no good in trying to persuade your MW to give you a chance.

 

For the record I havent slept with anyone else but her in a long while. I havent told her that, and I always was mysterious with my ongoings with other women and I knew she had a problem with that approach. As pathetic as it sounds I felt bad not being "loyal" to her and frankly didnt want anyone else. But I was always afraid of how that sounded so I gave vague answers when other girls would pop up on my phone. I wanted her to feel I was in demand and I am but I dont give them much of a chance. Perhaps a mistake on both fromts.

 

I do believe there is definitely truth to what you say. And though the appearance in this case is similar and perhaps to her she has trust issues with me but its not reality. Shes all Ive ever wanted.

 

Im struggling hard to not just check in at some point next week. But Im told thats not a strong move.

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And then you will be back to square one all those years ago this time older and still stupid :D

 

So in this scenario if you follow along she is banging my best friend according to tobyboy and Im the problem? And no, I would never pick her friends up but I thought that response I replied to was ridiculous snd deserved a ridiculous response. My best buddy who is married is not sleeping with her.

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So in this scenario if you follow along she is banging my best friend according to tobyboy and Im the problem? And no, I would never pick her friends up but I thought that response I replied to was ridiculous snd deserved a ridiculous response. My best buddy who is married is not sleeping with her.

 

Bros before hoes......right?

Here's a test, tell your best bud not to hire your girlfriend, he tells her now, but doesn't tell her why. Now let's see how long it takes for your girlfriend to start contacting you again. You see, you've been used!! She used you to exit her marriage and now you've been discarded. When the job doesn't pan out, she'll start contacting you again to find out why your friend didn't follow through.

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maybe just let her go, seems like shes move on, you never know if you stop trying she may try track you down.

 

ask yourself this if you got with her, could you ever trust her not to cheat? its the same think i think to myself with ex mm.

 

i hope you find some happiness,

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