I want to be me again… Are all men like this?

[SSE]

Some background information: I’m 25 F, never had boyfriend. I used to be overweight, lost a lot of weight, but my self-esteem did not improve. Everyone around me has found love (getting married and having babies) and I’m terrified of never finding it. Nobody knows this, to the outer world I look happy and shiny. I am a friendly, open and warm person (so my friends and family say), but when it comes to love, I feel like I’m a loser.

 

I met this co-worker (40 M) whom I didn’t know he was married. I knew he had a girlfriend and a baby. They are also very rich which is very important to him. He talks about it a lot. We became friends, nothing more from my side. After a while, he made sexual comments. It didn’t seem an issue to me, because it’s in his nature. He also makes such comments to other co-workers (male and female). But after a while he started calling me after work, almost every day. I didn’t mind it, but thought it was not normal.

 

The phone calls stopped after a while, and although I missed them, I was okay with that. Last year in October he confessed that he would like to kiss me. I wasn’t really surprised, and although I knew it was wrong, we decided to meet in November. I just wanted to know how it would be to kiss someone. We kissed, but I said nothing more than that could happen because I knew it would mean trouble for me (then he confessed that he’s actually married). After our meeting, he wouldn’t leave me alone. He begged to meet again, saying I was the woman of his dreams and that he wanted to make me happy. He wanted that I gave him a chance. He would leave his wife (they were fighting a lot at the time apparently ), marry me and have more kids with me. It was not just about sex. I found all of this very strange!

 

After the begging, I agreed to meet him again and it was great. Nothing more than some kissing happened (because I wanted that, he wanted to go all the way without a condom and I was not on birth control. He would get me a morning after pill, so what’s the problem, wright?!?). I had developed feelings and we decided to meet a third time. This time his behavior was different. He said he would be poor if he divorced and what about the baby? He also said some mean things to me: “I wouldn’t mind if you would find someone else”, “if this stops you will be hurting more than I” and “I don’t want you to feel used”. We did kiss but I had to express again I didn’t want to go all the way with a married man.

 

After our last meeting, he went on a holiday with his wife. I also knew that she wanted a second child. I was afraid that this would happen, so I called him and said I would miss him. He liked that I would miss him, but did not say that he would miss me too. Instead, he said he wanted some space. I didn’t hear from him for two weeks, but before his holiday I was the woman of his dreams and I heard him every single day. WTF?!? I was extremely hurt.

 

I have little experience with men and had no idea some people would treat others like that. I did have my pride and promised myself that I would not contact him again. He wanted space? He could get his space! After he was back from his vacation, he contacted me again. He wanted to meet. I declined (was really hard to do for me) and afterwards got a text from him “hoping we could be friends”. I did not reply that text. Since then, he contacts me every week through the work telephone, not my private cell like he used to do. Just wanting to chat up. I would do normal and laugh with his jokes, because I didn’t want my colleagues to suspect anything, but it is extremely hard for me to act normal. The feelings don’t go away. He wanted to meet again.

 

I declined again saying I had met someone. His reaction was: “Oh, that’s not a problem. Have a lot of sex with your boyfriend, so you’ll know what you like when we have sex.” WTF?!? I said I won’t have sex with him. Why not he asked? Because you’re married I replied. “Oh right, that” was his response. “But do you want to give me a chance when I’m alone? It can take a while because we have a lot of properties.” I said I would give him a chance when he would be alone and only then we would have sex. But after that conversation (three months ago), he didn’t mention it again. I also didn’t ask about it. He has returned from another holiday and wants to meet again, as friends. I haven’t replied, because I don’t know what to do. Yesterday I got a text from him saying “he’s horny”… I also discovered that he was married for only two weeks when we kissed the first time! They have been together for 8 years, but just got recently married (because of the finances he states).

 

I’m scared of being hurt more than I am already. I could not take that amount of pain. I imagine the perfect happy rich family and then me hurting. But on the other hand, he keeps pushing to meet, knowing I don’t want sex with a married man. I have declined his request to meet already four times, but he keeps asking. Does this mean anything? He is the first one that gave me that “special feeling”.

 

I don’t find him a bad man (he loves his kid very much and claims I’m the first one that he cheated with), but the way he treats me is not okay and I know that. But what if he’s serious about leaving? Although, they are going on another holiday (without the baby) in October… What if I don’t meet someone else that can give me that “special” feeling? I am so scared and confused… I just want the pain in my heart to go away and to be loved… I want to be me again… Are all men like this?

Edited October 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[BaileyB]

No, dear girl, not all men are like this...

 

This man is a terrible man. I'm sad to say that he sees your insecurity, inexperience, and vulnerability and he is trying to take advantage of that for his own selfish, personal gain. He is trying to wear you down such that you will allow him to use you for sex, but that's all he is doing. He is married, he has a child, and it is unlikely that he will leave his wife. And, even if he did... Would you want to have a relationship with a man who has demonstrated to you that he is a liar and a cheater? He clearly has no respect for his wife or their marriage if he is chasing another women two weeks after their wedding... he is engaging in behavior that would be devastating to the people who love him (his family).

 

You are a strong woman, you have (for the most part) resisted him and kept some boundaries. But, you are on the slippery slope... He knows it, that's why he keeps pushing... Best for you to tell him that you don't want to talk to him anymore and ignore this man in the future. NOTHING good will come from this relationship.

 

As to you, you are so young. You have struggled, as I struggled, with self esteem and finding your place in this world. I would encourage you to continue working on finding making yourself the best, strongest, happiest person that you can be. It doesn't feel like it, when you are watching all your friends get married and have babies, but you have time... You will find another man who will make you feel special and loved again. You will enjoy all these things in your life - but certainly not, if you get involved with this married man!

 

You will feel special and loved again, but it starts by finding that for yourself. Best wishes on your journey.

Edited July 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[zanwalk]

No, dear girl, not all men are like this...

 

This man is a terrible man. I'm sad to say that he sees your insecurity, inexperience, and vulnerability and he is trying to take advantage of that for his own selfish, personal gain. He is trying to wear you down such that you will allow him to use you for sex, but that's all he is doing. He is married, he has a child, and it is unlikely that he will leave his wife. And, even if he did... Would you want to have a relationship with a man who has demonstrated to you that he is a liar and a cheater? He clearly has no respect for his wife or their marriage if he is chasing another women two weeks after their wedding... he is engaging in behavior that would be devastating to the people who love him (his family). <snip>

 

Good post! You have hit the nail on the head with that.

 

SSE, you need to pay careful attention to the above post, this man sees your vulnerability and is seeking to prey on you. You will find only heartbreak with this man, he just wants to exploit you for his own selfish needs. Don't believe that he will leave his wife, because even if he did you can be sure it wouldn't be long before he was looking elsewhere for a bit of fun, having probably got you pregnant and tied down with a baby.

 

You have to regard him as poison, he's already willing to cheat, and you will be strung along with empty promises and left with a broken heart. You deserve a good man, single and willing to fully commit to you without all the pain that this man will bring.

 

Sorry to sound rather blunt about this, but all the usual warning signs are there, please take heed.

Edited October 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[LivingWaterPlease]

SSE, you are a very smart lady not to have gotten further involved with this person who is treating you so disrespectfully, even for a cheater. And he started cheating on his wife two weeks after their wedding! If you'd gotten involved with him you'd be in a world of hurt that would only get worse. And it wouldn't mean a flip to him.

 

In your place I wouldn't even have a phone conversation with him or give him the time of day. Just had to post as the way you write that he's been treating you is disgusting! You can do far better. Sometimes it takes time before a person meets the right one but remember, all it takes is one!

 

I'm praying that you'll meet a wonderful man who will be perfect for YOU!

[sandylee1]

Block his number on your private phone and ignore his non work related messages.

 

He's a sleaze bag. Cheating after 2 weeks of marriage. His poor wife.

[BaileyB]

If I may, it is probably fair to assume if a man is chasing another woman two weeks after the wedding that it isn't the first time he strayed... This is not normal behavior. It shows absolutely no respect for his wife or responsibility toward anyone but himself. He is flirtatious and makes sexually inappropriate comments to other women at the office. He may in fact be a serial cheater so consider the fact that you may not be the only other woman he is chasing and/or had sex.

Edited July 22, 2017 by BaileyB

[jah526]

The others above have it right - this guy sounds like a predator. Mine was the same way, preying on my vulnerabilities and low self-esteem. He was also very pushy like the guy you describe. Be careful and never be alone with him. The first time I was alone with mine he sexually assaulted me. This is someone who only has his own self-interest in mind.

[misspalmy]

Run as fast as you can. I was 27 when i met my mm man. 4 years later its over hes still with the wife and im the bad person in his wife eyes, your still young there lots of guys out there for you. dont waste being young on him.

[TunaInTheBrine]

You say you don't "find him to be a bad man," but would a good man cheat on his wife and kid with someone and with whom he has no intention of becoming exclusive with?

 

This guy is not a man; he is a boy. If he decides to grow up and become a man, he will leave his wife and then pursue you if he really feels something for you. I hate to say it, but judging from the way you describe his relationship with you, I think he is just looking for some easy sex on the side. I don't detect any sincere feelings in him...at least none that stick around after an orgasm.

 

No, not all men are like this. There are A LOT of great MEN out there who are loyal to their woman, want a family, are stable, and are waiting to meet a sincere woman who wants the same.

 

My suggestion to you is to not bother with this guy again. Don't meet up with him, not even as friends. Additionally, I would start putting yourself out there and go out on dates with guys who have their act together and are single. Date around, increase your confidence by taking good care of yourself, and eventually you should meet someone you really click with. It might not be the first, second, or tenth guy, but if you stay open and keep putting yourself out there, I believe you will find somebody.

 

One last time...ditch this jerk.

[Ahurtgirl]

Not all men are like him. He is using you. Remember that prince charming is only charming to get sex from you. You need to walk away from this guy as quickly as possible before you develop even deeper feelings. He will never leave his marriage. I was the naive minded woman as yourself and spent 4.5 years thinking he was going to marry me due to all his promises that he made without me asking. It has taken me over a year to even start to recover since his wife found out.

 

He dropped me the day I talked to his wife. I now realize what a God send that was. If you really want to know if he actually loves you, tell his wife he is pursuing you. Be very clear to her what he has all told you and shared with you. You will see his true intentions show immediately. (However, be very careful in how you do this. Anonymously is best for your safety. He or she may come unhinged and threaten to hurt you or those you love... that's what happened to me. Turns out the married guy I was with was a phychopath.

 

He came off as such a caring, loving sweet man, who loved his kids, successful business man, coached his sons baseball team that literally always won every game all four years, and took his family on amazing vacations, etc.)

He will pursue you hardcover until you do something that he feels could hurt his image or tell his wife. I normally advise against telling the wife because of the real dangers involved in doing so, but if you have very strong feelings for him, it may be the only way to show you his true intentions.

Edited October 31, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[SSE]

Thank you all for your advice. I know what to do, but it's so hard when you have feelings and are scared of never finding anyone else. I had no idea men could be so persistent. Why playing with the feelings of someone innocent if you know you're not going to leave? Just for some sex? That's just so... low. I'm hurting and in the meantime his "perfect" life just goed on... Unfair.

 

I'm not the only one in a similar situation. Many of us here, but also my best friend. She had a boyfriend who "forgot" to mention he already had a girlfriend. The same thing happened to my brother, so both men and women play these games. What I wonder, is monogamy then an outdated concept in the 21st century? Sometimes it feels like everyone's a cheater...

[skywriter]

Thank you all for your advice. I know what to do, but it's so hard when you have feelings and are scared of never finding anyone else. I had no idea men could be so persistent. Why playing with the feelings of someone innocent if you know you're not going to leave? Just for some sex? That's just so... low. I'm hurting and in the meantime his "perfect" life just goed on... Unfair.

 

I'm not the only one in a similar situation. Many of us here, but also my best friend. She had a boyfriend who "forgot" to mention he already had a girlfriend. The same thing happened to my brother, so both men and women play these games. What I wonder, is monogamy then an outdated concept in the 21st century? Sometimes it feels like everyone's a cheater...

 

Yes, it's "just" for sex. I believe that my exMM could sense the vulnerabilities in myself when I got involved with him. Playing with your feelings is the way to get sex.

 

Please, don't distract yourself with this dead end, MM. It may cause you to miss out on the "one" that is available to you and will love and respect you.

[somanymistakes]

What I wonder, is monogamy then an outdated concept in the 21st century? Sometimes it feels like everyone's a cheater...

 

 

These are separate things.

 

There are people who think they are the new enlightened progressive evolution of relationships and that monogamy is so last century.

 

Those people do not FORGET to mention that they already have a girlfriend. Those people are very eager to tell you about their existing girlfriend and boyfriend and polyklatches and play parties (If you don't know what I just said, don't worry about it). They are not trying to hide anything, they're busy trying to tell everyone how great their new lifestyle is. And for some of them it does actually work out.

 

And then there are lying cheaters, who don't think the rules apply to them and just want to get what they can when they can.

 

That's not new. That's not a 21st century thing. There were cheaters in the 1950s and there's cheaters now. There have always been men who slipped off their wedding rings before going to bars to pick up girls. Some people are just plain jerks.

 

But in this case while you didn't know he was married you did know he had a girlfriend, right?

[SSE]

You're right, I get the difference.

 

Yep, I did know he had a girlfriend, no excuse there. I was curious. But when I didn't want anything more, all the bull**** came. Things like "I love you", "I want to marry you", "Don't leave me, you're the woman of my dreams". Really hard to say no then if you don't have any experience with these kind of games.

 

True, he's not the jerk that lied over his relationship status, but he's still the jerk that played with my feelings and lied to me to get what he wanted.

[skywriter]

You're right, I get the difference.

 

Yep, I did know he had a girlfriend, no excuse there. I was curious. But when I didn't want anything more, all the bull**** came. Things like "I love you", "I want to marry you", "Don't leave me, you're the woman of my dreams". Really hard to say no then if you don't have any experience with these kind of games.

 

True, he's not the jerk that lied over his relationship status, but he's still the jerk that played with my feelings and lied to me to get what he wanted.

 

SSE, what are you going to do? Knowing , he's an opportunist, with a girlfriend?

[stillafool]

You're right, I get the difference.

 

Yep, I did know he had a girlfriend, no excuse there. I was curious. But when I didn't want anything more, all the bull**** came. Things like "I love you", "I want to marry you", "Don't leave me, you're the woman of my dreams". Really hard to say no then if you don't have any experience with these kind of games.

 

True, he's not the jerk that lied over his relationship status, but he's still the jerk that played with my feelings and lied to me to get what he wanted.

 

But what did you want when you got involved with him knowing he had a gf? If he was playing around with you while with her he was also playing with her feelings so why did you think you would get better treatment? It's wise to pay attention to your own actions in these situations so they don't happen again.

[pheonixrisen]

Not all men are like this..

 

He is .

 

Please dont let your first exp with a man be an affair .

 

Men like him sense insecurity/ desperacy/loneliness.

Men who love you are thier dream girl do not say go have sex with a lot of men so you get experienced .

 

He is a pig .block him .and let him know you will inform HR etc...if he contacts you again .

 

Don't let your first relationship be a 20 minute kissing /sex session in alleys /cars after which he goes back to his wife .

 

Want better for your self.

[SSE]

So I met him again last week. Told me things aren't going great with the wife. She's overprotecting their child (2 years old), she's still breastfeeding and sleeping with their child instead of their bed. She doesn't do much in the household etc. He seemed sincere, but it also sounds like the usual stuff they say when I read LS. Nothing physical happened because I wanted that. He did again mention stuff like "I think I would be great friends with your friends" and "Do you want to do fun things with my child later?". My response was "We'll see when we get there".

 

It was not the same feeling I had when I previously met him in private (months ago), but I still like him. However, my female intuition tells me he would dump me as soon as she'll be her old self again. Then I no longer will be necassary to fill the void. I feel like the back-up plan. I don't feel so infatuated anymore, but instead I'm scared. Scared how this will turn out. I hear him every week. If it stops (I have another job soon), I will miss it. I think I'm not ready to let him go. I'm scared that I'll lose him. Is this a normal feeling? Will it pass? He's the first one to give me that special feeling and who knows I'll meet someone like that again...

[BaileyB]

You are the back up plan... The side chick - there to provide the good times and not much more...

 

He is attempting to use the whole... "My wife won't have sex with me" line... And that's all it is, a bid to get you to feel sympathy and offer yourself to ease his pain. It's textbook!

 

There is something really, truly disturbing about a man who wants his OW to meet his child. That is a line that should never be crossed. It shows that he has absolutely no respect for boundaries. Can you imagine, if you were his wife and he offered to take your child to meet another woman - potentially another woman with whom he is sleeping? How would you feel about that?

 

Stay away from him or you will get sucked in... And yes, there are good men out there who will make you feel special. You just need to find them and you will never find them if you are engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a married man.

Edited August 13, 2017 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

This man does not want anything from you but a temporary fix for the frustration he is feeling from not getting enough attention from his wife. She is bonding with their child, which she should be doing and you're right that when she weens the child she will be back to her old self. That's when you will find out that you are just a side chick to him. Why don't you have enough self esteem to go after men who aren't married. Do you get attention from single men?

[Southwardbound]

You are the back up plan... The side chick - there to provide the good times and not much more...

 

He is attempting to use the whole... "My wife won't have sex with me" line... And that's all it is, a bid to get you to feel sympathy and offer yourself to ease his pain. It's textbook!

 

There is something really, truly disturbing about a man who wants his OW to meet his child. That is a line that should never be crossed. It shows that he has absolutely no respect for boundaries. Can you imagine, if you were his wife and he offered to take your child to meet another woman - potentially another woman with whom he is sleeping? How would you feel about that?

 

Stay away from him or you will get sucked in... And yes, there are good men out there who will make you feel special. You just need to find them and you will never find them if you are engaged in an inappropriate relationship with a married man.

 

 

The comments above are absolutely correct.

 

I've also read what you've said this man has said to you, and this man is grooming you. He senses your vulnerability, and is using that to meet HIS NEEDS. And if you let him, it may turn into a long-term affair. Which in the end will not be good for you. But, at this stage in your life - you don't need this. Be brave, & give him a big boot.

[SSE]

Hi all,

 

It has been a while for me. However, I kept checking LS occasionally.

 

I would like to give an update of what happened between the last time I posted and now. I am not proud to admit that I eventually caved and had sex with MM. This continued for a while with each time the same pattern. We met for sex, I started expressing I wanted more (like he also said before we had sex), he was vague about him making steps towards divorce, then he left me alone for a week or two and came back pretending with some nice words as if everything was just fine. As if my feelings didn’t matter, although I expressed them. As if he left me alone for a little while, my feelings maybe would have changed. And I let him. Because I loved him. I loved a man for the first time in my life. I loved being in love. Because I wanted a relationship so badly and didn’t want to lose him. Because I’m scared of never finding love. Because I had no respect or love for myself. Because I was really stupid and naïve. Trust me, I know all of these things. I know why I caved and why I let it go on for almost one year.

 

In June he was talking about his upcoming vacation with his wife and child. And that we couldn’t meet for several weeks. I again confronted him with my feelings. I told him I loved him and that this situation was killing me. Told him that I was trying to date other men but that this was difficult for me with him coming in and out of my life (He told me frequently that I’m “allowed” to date other men because he also has a wife. So I did, with little success. The heart wants what it wants I guess). But what does he want? I demanded some honest answers. He told me that I should not wait for him. He first wants to sell every company they own because otherwise he could lose a lot of money. And what if HE meets someone else along the way? Then I will be all alone… Additionally, I got the advice to live my life and to have sex with a lot of different men so I will experience some other good sex. He suggested we should leave each other alone during the summer. Three months should be enough time for me to find a new boyfriend. And once I did, the three of us can go out for drinks as friends and he would leave me alone. But I should definitely tell him if I had a boyfriend and not ghost him. And, if I want to have my ‘holes’ filled in the meantime, I can always give him a call…Wow.

 

I was heartbroken after this conversation. However, I know somewhere that this conversation was a good thing, because I needed to hear those hard words. To crush my hope. Too bad he could not express them sooner when I asked for it. It was a hard summer for me. I could not focus at work and I didn’t enjoy my vacation. And then September came. After three months of NC, he was back. Like nothing had happened. Asking how I have been doing, how my vacation went and then the big question: “How is your love life?”. I snapped. Told him I did not want to answer that question and that he should mind his own business. “Ok”, he replied. I haven’t heard from him since and don’t know if I ever will. Do you think I’m overreacting? Do you think I should have told him I don’t have a boyfriend? I don’t think I should have. But on the other hand, I still love him and somewhere I don’t want him to be mad at me. However, after all the things that have been said, I just can’t anymore… He surely didn’t care about my feelings. Or am I being too emotional (like he always said)?

 

I’m having a hard time. Almost two years have gone by since MM made his first move. During that entire time he has been living a happy, steady life with his wife and kid. I wouldn’t be surprised if she is pregnant again because she always wanted more children. I on the other hand am a mess. It is so unfair. I know I shouldn’t have been so naïve, but he has a part in me feeling this way as well, or doesn’t he? Is this all my fault? He thinks my pain is all my fault because I agreed with the sex every time.

 

I’m turning 28 and I’m still single. Never had a serious relationship before. As I mentioned in my previous post, I used to be overweight and had no self esteem. I managed to lose a lot of weight but my self esteem didn’t improve. This whole situation with MM has made me gain 30 pounds. I feel so ugly. My dad thinks I’m a loser for never having a boyfriend. And that I should hurry to find one because otherwise it will be too late for me. Then I will be alone forever. My younger brother (22) makes fun of me because he has a steady girlfriend and the only thing I can get is a married man who didn’t even want me but used me for sex (I told eveything to my family). I don’t go out much because most of my friends are in a relationship and/or have children and don’t want to go out anymore. I tried Tinder for a while with no good luck. I don’t know what to do. All I seem to be doing is crying. I don’t know how I will ever get over this. I miss him. He left a void inside of me that I didn’t even know was there. Trust me, I have no intention of going back to him, but I feel so alone and like I will be alone forever. Like it is my faith. While I would like to have a boyfriend and family of my own someday… I’m just so tired, so f*ucking tired.

 

Are there any positive stories of women/men who got their life back on track after their experience with MM/MW? And how long did it take you to get there?

[Artdeco]

I’m sorry you’re finding yourself in this situation. Already from the beginning, your MM has made it crystal clear what you are and aren’t to him. The main reason why you’re still hanging on is that you have nobody else. Distracting yourself with a new love interest will be the fastest healer, and other than that, it’ll take time. Time heals. There’s no way around it. Hugs!

[CloudyHead]

SSE - Block him. Look up "love bombing". I fell for a MM who did that to me when I was 40 and I was married and had children. There are people in this world who prey on other people's vulnerabilities. It is a game - the pull and push back to see how you react. I remember being with MM a few times and thinking that no one will ever make me feel the way he made me feel. Looking back, I realize it was all a farce. Now, I am 50 and in a relationship with a man who makes me feel better than MM ever did. I do not miss the roller coaster ride of emotions. I do not miss the fact that MM returned to his wife every night.

[HiCrunchy]

This man is a real piece of work. Creepy old MM praying on an inexperienced young 25 year old woman, clearly manipulated you into giving him sex.

 

A good guy would have been single and helped you ease into a relationship with comfort, especially knowing ur level of experience and knowing that you loved him.

 

You should hate him for taking advantage of u like this and stringing you along. He disregarded ur feelings and only wanted to use you for sex. You should be so angry at him! How dare he!

 

Plus girl, ur only 25! You have so much life to live, dont worry about marriage right now and this is coming from a 23 year old. I just mean you dont have to rush down the aisle right this second. I dont plan on marriage till I'm in my 30s if that gives you a better pic.

 

Block him and let him go. I am sure you can do better than a 40 year old married creeper.

 

Wish you the best on ur healing.

Edited September 23, 2018 by HiCrunchy