feeling sick

[lily14]

So after a really long time , me and MM made love at his place. It just happened. And what happened after It was horrible. I saw their pics at home. And I felt weird. I had gone to his place a lot.of times but I always avoided looking over where the photos had been kept. And this time by mistake it happened and I saw it. I felt weirdbut somehow I curbed that Feeling. I just couldn't do it for long and after around 4-5 hours I bursted. I told him I was jealous. And he yelled at me that I was playing with his feelings. That I was acting weird when he had just made love a few hours before. All I wanted him to do was convince me or soothe me down like he used to before. But he said I'm a player and I play with his feelings and I don't respect his feelings. That I purposely fight all the time. That I do drama even after knowing Everything. That I exhibit my feelings even after telling that I won't disturb u. I know I shouldn't have done that. But I felt what I felt. And now he is gone. And I'm back to square one feeling pathetic. He hasn't called or texted. I guess he will move on. Its easy for him. He has a wife an all. Its not like me, lonely and stuff.

[anika99]

So what is attractive about this terrible man who has a temper tantrum every time you express a feeling? Who is so low as to have sex with his mistress in his marital home? He sounds like a total creep.

[lily14]

We did have sex there a few times but I ALWAYS made sure I don't look at that corner of the house where the picswere kept. And unfortunately I did it by mistake this time when I turned towards that corner and that pain just came like a boom. I did try to curb it. And after 4-5 hours I bursted out. I know what I have gotten into. But even then it hurts.

[pheonixrisen]

So after a really long time , me and MM made love at his place. It just happened. And what happened after It was horrible. I saw their pics at home. And I felt weird. I had gone to his place a lot.of times but I always avoided looking over where the photos had been kept. And this time by mistake it happened and I saw it. I felt weirdbut somehow I curbed that Feeling. I just couldn't do it for long and after around 4-5 hours I bursted. I told him I was jealous. And he yelled at me that I was playing with his feelings. That I was acting weird when he had just made love a few hours before. All I wanted him to do was convince me or soothe me down like he used to before. But he said I'm a player and I play with his feelings and I don't respect his feelings. That I purposely fight all the time. That I do drama even after knowing Everything. That I exhibit my feelings even after telling that I won't disturb u. I know I shouldn't have done that. But I felt what I felt. And now he is gone. And I'm back to square one feeling pathetic. He hasn't called or texted. I guess he will move on. Its easy for him. He has a wife an all. Its not like me, lonely and stuff.

 

Are you playing a victim

 

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Edited July 23, 2017 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[lily14]

No. I'm not playing any victim. But all I wanted was him to be nice to me about it for 5 mins. In sure u would understand if u were in my place. So don't judge.

[ClassyTaste]

Honestly, you tell a man like that to go ..... himself! Do it will a little jazz and some spirit.

[lily14]

Hahaha...I'm trying to do that!!!!

[QuestioningSoul]

Dissect everything you're saying and really figure it out.

 

You went to their home. On purpose. Specifically. If it wasn't to have sex, then why go there? It didn't just happen. You can talk on the phone. Do you enjoy having the upper hand on his wife, and fall low when he takes it away from you?

 

You are saying what you want. You want him to soothe you, comfort you. A man married to another woman will never be fully available to give you the things you want. What do you want him to convince you of? That it's you he loves? That the house and photos and life he lives with his wife is meaningless and he longs for you instead? Don't let hollow words comfort you. Actions are what matters and he's showing you where he thinks you belong in his life.

 

Do you actually want to be his #1? Do you want to create a home with this man so that he can sneak another woman in and she can look at your pictures after she makes love to your man? That makes me physically ill and it should you too.

 

I have to say, just so maybe you can see another side to this, I was helping my friend and his fiancé at a home they just bought together. They are starting their life and full of hope. I was thinking how heinous a crime it would be for another person to come into their home, that they created together, and betray the other inside of it's walls. It's such a crime against someone's safety and security. It physically hurt me to know that my husband had one of his OW in MY home. The place I'm safe. The place I was safe. the place my children sleep. I wouldn't care if it burned to the ground.

 

He is showing you so clearly who he is. Do you really want that type of man? A man who will bring his mistress into his wife's home and sleep with her under the pictures of their life? It doesn't mean he really wants you and is willing to risk his life for you, it means he's a d**k.

 

Wait til it's your home....you'll see how it feels.

[Sampson]

With respect,

 

So you have engaged in a relationship with a man who is married. Who is hiding, lying, and betraying a woman whom he has promised in front of friends and family to be a faithful husband. Why is he cheating on her then? What is his gain? I'm sure the usual excuses have been used, we are like roommates, don't have sex much, no longer love her but staying for kids, I could go on and on. These are selfish reasons to commit the most horrendous acts of betrayal upon another person. This selfish act of lying, manipulating, and betrayal doesn't stop at his wife. He has and will lie, manipulate, and betray you his affair partner as well to keep the "gravy train rolling". How terrible it must be to have a real life and have a fantasy life all at once where he gets to keep the real life drama, responsibilities, and everyday grind compartmentalized to his wife and family and act out and live a fantasy with another woman. All the while both women share him intimately, personally, and pine over his every word.

 

So lets look, you felt bad, after having sex in his home so you wanted to have a discussion about your feelings. OOOOPS you crossed a line he didn't want reality to enter his fantasy life. So he made you feel responsible for hurting his feelings, not caring about how he felt, crossing that line of his and now your going to be punished with abandonment breaking down your self worth and self esteem so he can control you and you will stay behind that line and think twice about crossing it again. Just like I would say anytime his wife suspects or ask questions about his whereabouts he lies and then acts out to get her back behind her line so he can control her also.

 

Sounds like a winner to me. You should definitely waste your time dating this guy in the hopes he leaves his wife (or she leaves when she finds out his true nature) only to be possibly controlled and cheated on in the future.

 

Find a real man you will thank everyone here later. Find out what allowed you to become an OW, why you think you are not worthy of a single guys attention that you have to settle for a married man and his bread crumbs.

 

You have feelings, you deserve so much better.

 

Please I hope this has helped, I typed it while busy so it may not be complete or make sense.

 

Regards

S

[lily14]

I will definitely think about all of this. Thanks

[lily14]

I thought this was supposed to be a non judgemental support group.

[Sampson]

I thought this was supposed to be a non judgemental support group.

 

I hope you read more into judging his actions, and saw how you are being manipulated and controlled.

[whichwayisup]

So after a really long time , me and MM made love at his place. It just happened. And what happened after It was horrible. I saw their pics at home. And I felt weird. I had gone to his place a lot.of times but I always avoided looking over where the photos had been kept. And this time by mistake it happened and I saw it. I felt weirdbut somehow I curbed that Feeling. I just couldn't do it for long and after around 4-5 hours I bursted. I told him I was jealous. And he yelled at me that I was playing with his feelings. That I was acting weird when he had just made love a few hours before. All I wanted him to do was convince me or soothe me down like he used to before. But he said I'm a player and I play with his feelings and I don't respect his feelings. That I purposely fight all the time. That I do drama even after knowing Everything. That I exhibit my feelings even after telling that I won't disturb u. I know I shouldn't have done that. But I felt what I felt. And now he is gone. And I'm back to square one feeling pathetic. He hasn't called or texted. I guess he will move on. Its easy for him. He has a wife an all. Its not like me, lonely and stuff.

 

Easier said than done but dump him. He's making you feel crappy and he's blaming you for everything. HE IS the player here, he's married and bringing you to their marital home! Though with that said, you shouldn't have been in their house and had sex with him (was it in their bed?), though it seems like being there didn't bother you until you saw pictures. Makes me wonder if you've just pretended his wife doesn't exist...

 

Anyway, he's playing you for a fool as well as his wife. I hope you can gain the strength to stay in NC mode and not let him back in when he decides "your punishment" is over. And he will call you when he feels like an ego feed.

[lily14]

Nopes. Didn't have sex in their bed. Never did have before.

[whichwayisup]

We did have sex there a few times but I ALWAYS made sure I don't look at that corner of the house where the picswere kept. And unfortunately I did it by mistake this time when I turned towards that corner and that pain just came like a boom. I did try to curb it. And after 4-5 hours I bursted out. I know what I have gotten into. But even then it hurts.

 

So it never hurt you going into their house, seeing their stuff, knowing that he lives life with his wife? Seeing pictures is what upset you but being in their house didn't? Just trying to understand your rational on this.

[lily14]

Maybe yes. Maybe I have made my brain believe that things don't exist. Maybe I pretend to myself. I'm confused .

[whichwayisup]

No. I'm not playing any victim. But all I wanted was him to be nice to me about it for 5 mins. In sure u would understand if u were in my place. So don't judge.

 

He doesn't want to be nice to you when you're feeling insecure. He likes it when you're happy and not doubting him or feeling jealous. He'd prefer not to hear about your pain. He's a jerk! I hope you see this? He is lying to his wife, bringing you to their home, making love to you (hopefully NOT in there marital bed) yet is angry at you when you question him... Does he make you happy? If so how much of the time? Is he worth this pain?

[whichwayisup]

Maybe yes. Maybe I have made my brain believe that things don't exist. Maybe I pretend to myself. I'm confused .

 

Lily, you've set yourself up with a big fall by lying to yourself and pretending his wife doesn't exist. She does and you two are lucky she didn't come home and walk in on you two.

 

This guy is ruining you and manipulating you, knows your weaknesses ans is using them against you. He makes you doubt, makes you feel pain, makes your jealously come out - AND HE LOVES how much power he has over you.

 

GET mad and tell him to shove it up his a@@ and be the one to tell him NOT to contact you ever again.

[lily14]

He is like my best friend. Yes he makes me happy. Yes he would understand me before. But I don't know what happened to him now. Maybe he is tried of trying to be nice to me

[whichwayisup]

He is like my best friend. Yes he makes me happy. Yes he would understand me before. But I don't know what happened to him now. Maybe he is tried of trying to be nice to me

 

You're attached, very attached to him and needy and he doesn't like that. He wants things simple and no problems/drama. Most men don't like drama (ironic since he's creating it by having an affair with you) and because you opened up to him expecting him to respect you and be kind, he did a 180 and was a jerk to you.

 

Instead of being upset, get mad. Take a step back and detach. think about things and if you truly are happy. (Btw, a man can enhance your life but shouldn't be the only source of your happiness). It doesn't seem like you're too happy and he ruins your self worth.

[somanymistakes]

I thought this was supposed to be a non judgemental support group.

 

It is, in the sense that this forum doesn't throw OW/OM out completely and tell them never to come back, like a lot of other forums about relationships will. At least here there are a lot of people who understand.

 

The message is still going to be 100% that affairs are bad and we should stop doing them. What else can anyone say? Cheating isn't right. Even those of us doing it know that. And while there's plenty of posters here who have been in your shoes, there are others who have been in the shoes of being the spouse who's been cheated on.

 

But because there are many people here who've been in situations like yours, there's also a lot of experience in how badly this sort of thing tends to work out, and how much you are probably being used by someone who really doesn't care about your feelings.

 

He wants you to be a convenient package of pleasure for him. He doesn't want to deal with any complications. That doesn't really sound balanced, does it?

[sophinla]

No. I'm not playing any victim. But all I wanted was him to be nice to me about it for 5 mins.

 

You get that by asking for it honey. You ask him to give it to you, and you make it a non negotiable. You don't offer free stuff and later on ask people to pay for it. They know you'll give it out for free, why should they pay for it?

 

State your worth and respect your own worth, and people will too. If they don't, you walk away. That's how you get everything in life.

[misspalmy]

big hugs. block him, hes treat u so wrong, he will come running back they always do. when he does i hope you show him the door, let the wife have the cheater, lots of fish in the sea for you and the same goes for me. we can do much better

[Midwestmissy]

Seems like your role is to make him feel good. You brought reality into the affair and he only wants fantasy. How dare you make him feel bad, right? How dare you remind him that he's a liar and a cheater!

 

Some of these men just want a play thing. When the play isn't fun, they throw a tantrum, stomp off and project the guilt on you. What a catch. Yet he has 2 women believing his lies. He deserves neither of you, so stop feeding this mess.

 

You deserve better than this. So much better.

[ConInLA]

Lily14,

 

I've been there. The point of an affair is NOT to deal with emotions. Women forget this point, even though I'm more than sure you signed up for exactly that in the beginning. Women and men handle their emotions completely different. More than likely, he can have sex with you and not develop as many feelings as you do. Does he care about you? I'm sure somewhere but why would you want his type of caring? He's cheating on his family with you. He sounds just as broken as you are.

 

This man is clearly showing you where you stand in his life. He doesn't want your emotions. All he wants is your body and a good time. He has wife to deal with "emotions" and he doesn't need yours too. Hell, he doesn't even want hers! If you're fine with accepting his bread crumbs, then by all means continue. I'm not here to judge you or tell you what to do.

 

I will tell you from my own personal experience, this kind of relationship will mentally destroy you. When this ends (which it will), you will be left mentally and emotionally destroyed. Is that what you want? I can tell by this post that it isn't and this is already becoming to much for you.

 

You aren't some MM's plaything. You are so much more than that. You are a beautiful soul who deserves to be loved. That love starts with you though, Lily14. What you are doing, is not respectful. It never will be and you can't make something that is so wrong, right. You need to really dig deep and figure out why you're so willing to degrade yourself for SEX. That's mainly all it is for your MM. You already know this but you are determined to make it more. You have already shown him your "cards", so you've already lost. Move on and take back your power. All you can do is wish him well because he only did what you allowed him to.